Colours
by Akari Kou
Summary: Four years after returning to Earth, Hitomi's life has become a mess. A suicide attempt lands her under Van's custody once more, but before she achieves happiness she has to regain his trust as well as clear away obstacles from her own past. VH
1. Blood

_hi everybody, this is akari again. this is 'colours' revisited, as i decided to have the first seven chapters checked and edited before continuing with chapter eight. for those who joined later: this is my first attempt at an 'escaflowne-fic as well as at a continuation. i planned twelve chapters in total. classic pairing included, perspective is going to be first person singular_

_please pay attention: this story starts on a very dark tone. i needed to work out the difference between light and darkness, happiness and despair. you'll see what i mean when you read on. this is why the first chapter is starting out very dark, but what happens in it is really impor-tant for the development of my heroine, this is why i had to add it. in the course of the story everything lightens up. i decided to write this because i wanted a soppy romance, so this is what it is going to be later on!_

_**anyway, a warning: people who are easily offended by the matters suicide, violence and depression, should NOT read on! i lifted the rating as high as i considered necessary, but the final decision is up to you. **_

_**i don't own any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. the plot, however, is my own idea, so please no plagiarism. if you find any mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.** _

_**three cheers for my beta reader, RyRy, who did an incredible job on this fic. there were a lot of mistakes to buff out. thank you!!!**_

_enjoy! cheers, akari_

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**Colours**

Chapter 1

**Blood**

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**T**he red blob in front of my eyes started to dissolve into whirls of bloody fog. At the same time I became kind of air-headed. "That's it," shot through my mind, "this is how it begins." I made a conscious effort to relax. Maybe it would be painful, but I didn't consider this prize too high for finally being able to find peace and tranquility.

Maybe I really was lunatic.

**M**y mother's face appeared in front of my inner eye. She looked like I had known her for the last couple of years. Her features were tense with suppressed rage in her eyes and a deep frown decorating her forehead, completely hiding the docile woman in whose care I grew up. I imagined her hoarse voice ringing in my head. _Pull yourself together, Hitomi. Stop chasing fancies and get a life!_ Fancies, daydreams and chimeras. That's what my experiences on Gaia from five years ago have been? In the beginning, when every experience was still fresh, I would have kept trying to convince her of the opposite. With missionary eagerness I had offered her proof, I had pleaded with her to listen to me, but to no avail. Her answers always ran along the lines of 'dreamer' and 'crazy', all accompanied by the threat of consulting a psychiartrist in case I didn't stop.

The surge of anger and impatience in me subsided as quickly as it had occurred. The floating feeling I experienced made me calm and forgiving. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to believe myself as well.

In addition, Mother had her own emotional load to carry. The man she was living with was a drinker. Whenever he was pissed he became violent and occasionally manhandled her. In spite of that she did not find it in her to leave him. It already hurt enough to see her suffer under her screwed up relationship. For months I had hoped to be able to stay with her and support her. I clung to my belief that I would finally make her see that she wasted her life, and I'd wanted to help her chuck the asshole out.

My hope was in vain. Instead, he started beating me, too. Still, I bore with it. Just a singular occurrence, his hand only 'slipped'; this is what he had assured us and had asked for forgiveness with tears in his eyes. He'd never attack anybody again; what's more, he'd stop drinking and everything would be fine again. Mother believed him. I decided to believe him as well. I even did when it happened once more; it happened on that memorable day when he smashed Mother's head against the kitchen table and beat the crap out of me so that I had sported bruises and cuts all over my body for days. Only when he hit me for the third time did I move out. G_et a life. _

**I**t's funny how exactly this is what Yukari kept telling me as well. Her face popped into my mind. Although ... that would be the face she used to have five years ago, before she moved to the United States with Amano. Shortly after I returned from my 'adventures' on the war-ridden planet, when I was off for a few days with my track team, she suddenly disappeared without properly saying goodbye. When I came back she was already gone. She left a note, though, explaining why exactly she needed to leave in such a hurry. It had something to do with a good opportunity to enroll in school as well as a favourable flight connection. As a postscript she had promised to write soon.

Later I found out that 'soon' meant a three month delay. The wedding picture was enclosed. W_e made a short-term decision to get married; thus it's much easier for me to obtain a visa. Sorry about not telling you earlier, we figured our friends would have a hard time attending the ceremony. Be sure I'll make it up to you by inviting you soon. _The announced invitation never came. Looking back, I'm not even sure I'd have accepted it. The disappointment was something I never really got over. _Er, by the way, did you know we got married? _

THAT used to be MY dream, marrying Amano, but I had been planning to have all my family, friends and relations come to our celebration. That had been my girlish dream for years. Look where it got me ...

**N**ow it was Gran's face that swam by in my imagination. _Hitomi, believe in your dreams. You can make them true, just try hard and don't stop believing._ The corners of my mouth started to twitch (whether from a mad urge to either laugh or cry, I couldn't figure) when I thought of the one person who would have believed my Gaian experiences. She would have given me the strength to carry on, as she had always done. She had died on me years ago, though, after a long and futile struggle against cancer. _Forgive me, Gran, I don't have any dreams left._

My inner eye kept becoming unfocussed and fading. I felt like sliding towards a lighted spot which was hovering in the distance. Slowly I closed my eyes while feeling my life seeping out of my body, along with my blood. There was no hurt; alcohol as well as painkillers made sure of that.

**T**he speck of light melted into a figurine form of a radiant, inhumanely beautiful being. The smile that appeared on my lips was true this time and fully directed at somebody who had been closest to my heart, but whom, ironically, I had never been able to reach all the time. My lips were moving, forming his name. Van.

He was walking, no, gliding, in my direction, smiling. _Oh, Van, I can see you did learn how to smile while I was away... are you happy? Are you... thinking of me, like I do about you? _He had assumed the form I had given him in my dreams: a scrawny, lanky man in his twenties, wearing his unavoidable red top, with unruly bangs falling into his face, almost covering half of it. Intense, wild eyes were glinting with the passion he applied to everything he did. The only difference to the "real" Van was probably, that the gaze of my dream lover was not sad at all, but sparkled with mirth, and a mischievous twinkle in the corners of his eyes addded to his charm.

He spread his arms invitingly, and I lost no time in running towards him, while every cell of my body was bent in his direction. It was high time I met him again, I'd missed him too much. How often had I tried to contact him? I had called out for him in my mind, I had even restarted tarot cards; I had actually stared at the Ace of Serpents for hours while thinking of him. Alas, nothing had happened, and gradually I had lost my faith. A_s long as we both share our feelings; as long as we sleep under the same stars, I'll find you and hold you in my dreams._

"I'm sorry, love," I murmured, "we can't meet again. Gods, how much I'd love to see you once more ..." For the first time this evening I felt pain, caused by my memories. _It's all my fault. I should have stayed with him._

More light poured out of the hazy ball which in the meantime had reached me. It enveloped my whole body and made me hover a few inches over the earth. This was it. I summoned my last shreds of strength and concentrated on Van's features; I wanted him to be the last thing I saw in this life. Finally I entrusted myself to the light.

**W**armth. Gravity. Darkness.

My consciousness was slowly kicking back into working mode. I was floating in perfect silence. My senses did not transmit impulses of any kind to my brain. I had to be dead.

They were supposed to find my body someday. I wondered whether they'd figure out what happened, or whether it would be in the newspaper like: _20 – year – old found dead in her apartment / circumstances of her death unclear / police are still investigating..._?

Either way was possible. I had been living alone. Mother rarely came to visit me since the day she had lost her ability to handle me. Apart from her, there was hardly anyone who was going to miss me.

All of a sudden I felt pity for whoever would find me lying in the tub. There was bound to be an awful lot of blood, and personally I don't think I would be able to stand the sight. Kanzaki Hitomi has never been able to do things properly, and on her own no less. I can't even die without making a mess for everybody! Maybe I should have stepped into the sea, so that my body should never have been found at all? But I knew this had been out of question. Until the very last moment I had still hoped for something to rescue me and prevent my death from actually happening.

I tried to move my fingers. At this point I should be a bodiless soul floating around in Nirvana or even Hell. After all I might even be reborn, and this time I would make sure to do everything right from my first day of existence! Curiously I decided to look around. Too bad I wouldn't have a chance of telling anybody what heaven is like. I bet some scientists would die to know (no pun intended!!).

**M**y arm hurt.

Hang on, I'm not supposed to feel anything when I'm dead, or am I?

At first I strained all of my non-existent muscles; secondly I ventured to open my heavy eyelids, waiting for my irises to adjust to the light flooding in on my senses. I seemed to be in a vast room with a high ceiling. The curtained windows dimmed the otherwise broad daylight. Dark wooden joists crisscrossed my view. Over my head I stared at an old-fashioned canopy on four polished posters.

A hospital?

I was... alive?

I didn't recognize either the furniture or the room, so I started to move my eyes to the left and right. A gigantic desk sat in one of the corners, one of the walls was lined with an ancient-looking chest, a couple of puffed-up chairs stood around – but still nothing familiar. I finally lifted my chin to catch a glimpse at my bed. Being adorned with intricate carvings it had the air of a very valuable piece of furniture. Something like a coat of arms seemed to be embedded in the middle of the headboard. It reminded me of something I had seen before, but before I could associate its shape with a certain memory, a dark cloud blinded me again into unconsciousness.

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**I **woke up from someone approaching my bed. This time I felt so exhausted I could barely stay awake. I decided not to open my eyes and settled for trying to speak. It was difficult to coordinate my lip movement, and I only managed: "Where ...?" Since it was barely as loud as a whisper, the person in this room would most probably not have perceived anything at all, so I started a second attempt. My mouth had hardly opened when I felt cool fingers touch my lips and forbid me to speak. I could tell from the gentleness of the touch that I didn't have to fear anything, this was not supposed to be an attack. Quite the contrary: the ligering presence enveloped me like a warm blanket, soothing and protective. It was a presence I have not felt for a very long time; someone whom I have wanted near me for ages and whom I haven't ever hoped of seeing again in person...

My eyes snapped open in a desperate attempt to have my presentiment comfirmed, but once again my vision was reduced to mere shadows and moving blurs. I drew a deep breath and attempted to force my vocal chords to work properly: "VAN!!!" Well, I should have known. There was no effect whatsoever. In my frustration and in order to prevent tears from forming in my eyes, I pinched my eyes shut. His cool fingers slid from my mouth to my forehead. I was able to define him from his every little movement. His aura was distinct from every other's: a unique mixture of ever-present sadness, warmth, tenderness, passion, power... and... anger? I wanted to speak to him, see him, feel him so badly, but my exhaustion was stronger and made me drift back to sleep.

A storm of questions would have to be answered, but the most urgent of questions was: What had happened? How did I get here? Because of one thing I was now positively convinced:

I was back on Gaia.

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_To Be Continued ..._

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_congrats! you've survived her darkest hour; from now on it'll get better steadily. stick with her, and you'll find out where she's headed now that she's back. there are hard times coming up, but although i like to put my heroes through their paces i'm not as evil as to deny them their hard-earned happy ending ... _

_next chapter might take some time, because i have to fix one of my stories on after i am finished with that you may expect chapter two of "colours". if you like, that is. _

_cheers, akari yes, i know these two paragraphs lack capitals ... ;-)_


	2. Debris

_hiya everybody, it's akari. chap 2 is up, and I hope you like it. thanks for the friendly reviews; individual replies are at the end of the chap.  
  
i don't own any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. the physician and yone, however, are mine, as well as the plot, so please no plagiarism. if you find any mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.  
  
also, i ask you not to get confused: depending on which language your adaptation of the series/movie is in, the names of the characters have a different spelling and/or pronounciation. especially "meruru" might also be known as merle, merelu or whatever. in any case, with "meruru" i have labelled the neko girl who is permanently trailing after van and who keeps bickering with hitomi. alright?  
  
so, on with the show! cheers, akari_

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**Colours**  
  
Chapter 2  
  
**Debris**

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**I** gave a deep sigh. For half an hour I have repeatedly been trying to get the girl to speak, and once again I had gloriously failed. She never said a word, nor did the other. Each and every day they came along, silently busied themselves and left again. I could tell that the redhead's task was tidying up the room, letting in some fresh air and straightening the bed, while the blonde seemed to be entrusted with my bodily care: She kept helping me dress and undress, changing the bandages on my wrists and bringing me something to eat. From the first day on neither of them spoke except bidding me good-day and goodnight.  
  
It had been two weeks since I finally woke up, finding that I had returned to Gaia. Since then I felt I had made a steady, but altogether slow, recovery. I had begun to be able to stay awake for a couple of hours in a row each day, but still I had to lie flat. The gashes on my wrists had started to heal off, but still they seemed to need constant attention as well as a treatment with a strangely smelling salve.  
  
True, considering that in the moment I'd arrived I had been as good as dead, my situation was supposed to be a remarkable improvement. Yes, I had nearly succeeded in trying to commit suicide due to the hopeless situation I had found myself in at home. And two weeks after the incident, I still couldn't believe what I had done. My whole situation seemed unbelievable and surreal to me, especially all those memories resulting from my near – death experience. Had that really been me?  
  
The answer was yes. My physical condition did not leave any room for doubts. I was marked by several cuts on my wrists, located where I had drawn an old carpet knife through my skin and my blood vessels. They would surely turn into scars, thus providing lasting evidence for what I had done.  
  
Other than these uncertainties, I was okay. As soon as the wounds had closed, I had been brought to a different room, smaller and less ornamented than the one I had woken up in and which had been revealed to be Van's own bedroom. Of course, the discovery that I had been actually lying in his bed for days had caused me to blush at least twenty shades of red! Luckily, Van had not been near at that moment, which saved me from dying of embarassment ... Well, I had moved to a different room, and since then I had devoted my time to recovering, while I was being pampered like a spoilt child with two chamber maids at my disposal, loads of delicious food and a luxurious bath once a day. I lacked nothing. Nothing at all.

.

**O**n the second glance I DID lack something. For a start, nobody seemed to give a damn about trying to explain some things to me. I was still wondering how I had been transported to this world. I needed to know under which circumstances Van had found me (dreaming of a knight in shiny armour ...) and what had happened before I woke up. However, my potential sources of information - either the maids or the doctor, a tall, stern man with pale eyes, who kept paying daily visits - quickly proved to be useless. Neither of them offered any help: the girls didn't talk at all, and the physician kept the topics of our our dialogue strictly related to my health condition.  
  
Aside from those three, I didn't see anybody. Neither Meruru, who seemed to have disappeared from the castle completely, as her general curiosity, combined with her possessiveness about Van, would otherwise have been sure to lure her into my room as soon as she'd heard about my arrival. Nor, and this was the point that worried me most, did I see Van. I was not allowed to get up – let alone quit my room! -, and this is a bad starting – point when you are looking for somebody particular. So going out to meet him was out of question. But since the moment I woke up, he had not come to see me either, although I could feel his presence lingering close to me. Naturally I was glad to see that I seemed to have regained the power of our - originally strong - mental bond! But the fact remained that Van didn't show up at all. Could it be that he was too busy to stop by? Not very likeable. My intuition had already provided a much more realistic, but at the same time painful, scenario: it seemed that he wished to avoid me for some reason.  
  
I scolded myself for being silly, but my mind remained fixated on that thought, causing me a great deal of discomfort. What worried me even more was the realization that his aura radiated the same sadness it had had five years ago. If possible, his despair seemed to have augmented. Now that I was confined to my bed, I had more than enough time to imagine a thousand possible reasons for his current state of mind. None of them pleased me at all.

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**A**fter several days of fruitless brooding I decided to finally confront the physician. I didn't like to admit it, but my yearning for Van had reached an extent I wasn't capable of coping with anymore. He was the only close person left from my previous life, and I missed him like crazy.  
  
It is bad to miss somebody who is far away. But it is far worse to miss somebody who is near and at the same time out of your reach for different reasons. Why? Because we are are only human. Most humans are bent on self – destruction by having the tendency to hope for even unrealistic things. Whenever we want something we can't have, our hope to finally reach it forbids us to put our wish aside for good. Seeing the thing you want badly being held up before your eyes never lets you forget that you want it, and you keep carrying along your unfulfilled need forever.  
  
Finally, the realization had hit me with the force of an explosion. It had been the same thing with me. The reason I had not gone crazy when I had returned to Earth was that I had tried to and finally managed to forget Van, deliberately pushing the memory of him out of my head. Thus, it had been ME who – by trying to forget him – had made it impossible to contact him. It had been MY subconscious that kept reminding me of him in my dreams, making me wake up dissatisfied and downtrodden without knowing why. It had been MY need for him that had caused me to become depressed and weak, and had finally forced me into suicide. It had been I who had made me sick and who, at the same time, had locked away my only cure, catching myself in a vicious circle with no hope of escaping.  
  
It was I who has been my worst enemy back on Earth.  
  
And again it was I who now had to suffer from having the thing that I wanted drifting away from me because of my own weakness ...  
  
Funny how it took me that long to realize what I had done wrong. I had to turn around, and I could only hope it was not too late.

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**T**ime to put my plan into action. If the physician kept up his usual routine, he had to be due any minute. I had decided to stop beating around the bush, instead I'd ask him directly what I wanted to know and corner him, if necessary, until I had my answers. Pricking my ears, I soon enough perceived shuffling footsteps approaching my room from the corridor. Sure enough, a knock on the door told me it was him. I asked him in, he entered with the same stern face he had been wearing for ever now and – after a blunt greeting - started to unwrap the bandages on my forearms.  
  
I took a deep breath and without warning started to rattle down my long list of questions. As usual, he ignored me. But this time I was resolved not to let go. I asked again, and as my second attempt, too, proved to be futile, I started pleading with him. His stubborn silence triggered my determination even further, and before I knew it I had called all hands to persuade him. With fake tears in my eyes and a wavering voice I told him how I felt like a traitor with nobody talking to me. I was ranting on how much I needed to know what had happened and – finally – how much I was concerned by Van's behaviour. As intent as I was about learning anything about Van I half got carried away with my show, and the tears started to turn into real ones.  
  
He stared at me with cold eyes, but surprisingly, this time he answered. The triumph I felt when he took to replying to my questions quickly subsided as he continued. With a dispassionate and distant voice he started to explain how the Royal escort had found me on their track, unconscious and covered in blood. "You were very lucky, Mylady", he continued soberly, "as it was only acidentally that King Van had decided to take this particular road. Had you been found only an hour later, you would have been beyond rescue." I smiled warmly. "That would be because I wanted to see him so badly. The beam that had trasported me here generates from strong feelings and wishes. Considering that, it's no miracle that Van found me."  
  
Instantly his eyes grew colder. "Well, I highly doubt that your wish to see his Majesty has been remotely strong, if I take your the condition into account." His words were like slap in my face. Numb with shock, I stared at him. Before I could comprehend the full extent of what he'd just said, before I could even even think of an answer, he went on: "You were dying when he found you. T'was his Majesty who managed to revive you twice by means of a technique he'd learned years ago during the Great War. It was him who saved your life when we found you in the gutter. And if he had not stayed permanently by your side while I tried to mend your cuts, your heart would have stopped beating once more. He has been near frantic for your safety. You can't imagine our surprise, when the nature of your injuries gave proof that you had obviously tried to harm yourself."  
  
His bitter voice filed into my ear, each word burning itself into my memory like a white hot wire. I was not able to react properly; all I could do was stare and listen. He didn't even look at me when he concluded his speech with these words: "Mylady, I am a medicin. I chose my profession after having sworn to do everything in my power so save innocent lives. But sometimes I find it hard not to question the justification of my unconditional promise. In cases like yours I keep asking myself whether I am right to save people who had thrown away their lives on purpose. These people, who have so little regard for their life as well as the responsibilities they have been given, should not be entitled to all the pains we take to rescue them, don't you think?  
  
What have you done to merit King Van's unselfish and generous aid? What have you done to claim the right to worry him like you did? If you had seen his face in the moment we attempted to get you back to life, you would not be able to look him into his eyes anymore. Think about it." He cast me another piercing glance, before he calmly resumed his examination of my wrists. It took me some time to get over the impact his words had on me. A dry and choked sob shook me. I lowered my head, unable to even look at him.

At first, I was enraged. What right did he have to scold me like that? What did he know about my depressing life on Earth? He was still diligently unwrapping the bandages, as if he didn't have a care in the world. White hot anger suddenly pounded in my chest, and I only just managed to restrain myself from yelling at him. However, my remaining shred of ratio told me that it would have been highly inappropriate to shout at the man who had saved my life, so I began to mentally count off from twenty.  
  
When I was finished, my anger had died down, so that I felt myself sufficiently capable of pondering cold-heartedly about what he'd said. Very soon, the feeling of shame threatened to swallow me. He was right, he was perfectly, absolutely, irritatingly right. Didn't I keep in mind that I could trust Van with my life? That he had saved my sorry ass from certain death for a rough million times? Was killing myself my way of thanking him? We had promised each other that we would meet again, and he had also told me he would be there for me, no matter what happened. This is how I valued his promise, and how I kept mine!  
  
It dawned on me that all my recent actions proved me to be the absolutely last person on this world, no, on both worlds, who was entitled to something as precious as his estimation, let alone his love. And exactly this, I concluded, was why he was keeping away from me. He was furious, hurt and disappointed! And he had every right to be.  
  
Trying to keep up a stony expression, I let the doctor carry on with his work. Tears, real, hopeless and bitter tears, had begun to spill out of my eyes; I had never felt so miserable in my whole life. Soon he was finished, turned around and reached for the doorknob. He hesitated for a moment, but spoke again, this time with a quiet, slightly exhausted voice: "It is possible that I got carried away by my anger. Please forgive me. It is not as rare as you think that young people like you believe their disappointment about life allows them to put an end to it. I am sick and tired of being forced to fill in desperate parents of the death of their child. You should never forget that whenever someone dies, there is always someone who mourns the dead. It is a bad way to repay affection by leaving the one you love for ever." With that, he opened the door and snuck out, leaving me alone with my dark thoughts.

.

After what seemed like hours, the physician's words still echoed in my head, whirling and twisting with my own thoughts on the subjct. One idea dominated: what if I had been walking in Van's shoes? What if HE'd tried to kill himself? The thought of him dead made my heart give an unpleasant lurch. I didn't think I could even stand the mere idea. Yes, I would be hurt, and I would be feeling betrayed by him, even more so, as he hadn't given me the chance to help him out of his misery. So this is how he had to be feeling by now. I had always caused Van a lot of pain and a full measure of difficulties. He'd always forgiven me, but this time I might well have pushed it too far.  
  
I had to act. I had to beg for his pardon, and I had to get it at all cost. I couldn't lose him now that he was my only stronghold left. Plus, I still owed him too much to be able to leave him like that. I wanted to make everything up to him.  
  
**T**his was the situation when I made my promise. I swore that I would become the strong person I had never been until now. I would talk to Van and tell him everything that had happened, and then I would prove to him that I had seen the error of my ways. Never ever would I let misfortune wear me down like it had done in the last years. For him, I'd never give up, I'd fight and keep my chin up, come what may. I would stay constantly by his side, for better, for worse, to be his strength and support; to console him when he was sad, to soothe him when he was mad and to rejoice with him when he was happy. And even if he decided to leave me – my guts did another uncomfortable flip – I'd bear with it, stay strong and learn my lesson.  
  
Of course, my oath was not as ceremonious as, say, a marriage proposal or a pledge of honor, nor did I have any witness to confirm it, but I took it as seriously as if all these circumstances had been given. And in order to confirm what I had pledged I took the bowl of medicine which was posed on my bedside and emptied it without hesitation in a single gulp. Kanzaki Hitomi, welcome to your brand-new you.

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**I**t seemed that my new life was off for a bad start. Another week had passed without any sign of Van. The good news was that at last I had got someone to talk to. Yone was an elderly woman with dark grey hair which was rigorously combed back and fixed in a bun at the nape of her neck. She was tiny – at least that was my impression, as I towered her by the length of my head – , she didn't seem to have the least bit of humour, and, on the contrary to myself, was extremely disciplined. By her introduction, she was the housekeeper of the Royal palace and thus a very important person. I have to admit that I felt uncomfortable in her presence, because she reminded me of all the virtues I didn't have. She had visited me two days after my conversation with the medecin and had – without even arguing – taken a strict regiment over my life.  
  
Thanks to her, I had been allowed to leave my room at appointed times in order to exercise. I had readily consented, as I needed to regain at least some of my strength to settle my matters with Van. It wouldn't be remotely impressive if I fainted while telling him that I wanted to be strong for his sake ...  
  
It was also her who had told me that I was entitled to attend a feast taking place at the castle in a few days. Due to the arrival of some diplomatic delegation from ... oh, shoot it ... somewhere else ... Van obviously had been obliged to honour their visit with a gala ball, and I – as his "guest" – would be invited as well. I was still feeling sort of weak and shaky, but there was no way I was going to miss a chance to meet my king. So I told Yone that I would be thrilled to be able to go, and she kindly arranged everything for me, providing me with an – as she put it – "acceptable" dress and making sure I would be escorted to the ballroom on time. Enjoying the feeling of thoroughly being taken care of, I consented. Really, she wasn't that bad, Yone ...  
  
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**T**he big evening drew nearer, and along with it came a wave of the worst stagefright I had yet had to suffer. My guardian angel had wrapped me in the most stunning dream of silk, gauze and velvet and had even condescended to doing my hair, although it was still short and hardly needed any attention. From the moment she closed the door I was left to my own devices, waiting impatiently for the beginning of the feast and counting down the minutes until I would see him again. I had only caught a short glimpse of him before falling unconscious, and right then I was wondering how much he had changed over the years. Would he still be as scrawny as he had been? Would he have changed into a real king, with crown and anything? And, most important of all, how would he react to my presence? Would he be glad, furious or would he ignore me? I kept pacing my room until one of the palace guards knocked at my door, signaling that it was time to go.  
  
He led me through what seemed like miles of vast, wrinkled corridors until I heard soft music, which was growing louder with each step we took. We reached a heavily guarded door which I was ushered through by my companion. I thanked him with a short curtsey – hope that was correct? – and entered the ballroom.  
  
A most splendid sight greeted me. Huge chandeliers cast a soft light on a beautifully decorated room the size of our school gym. Flowers were everywhere, but their colours seemed to be fading in comparison to the rich dresses of many guests who were either strutting about or standing huddled together while immersed in conversation. The music I'd heard from far was now considerably louder, but still unobstrusive and sweet.  
  
Filled with admiration, I allowed my gaze to wander freely for some time. The combined splendor around me quickly reduced my self – esteem to an approproiately lower level, which I considered a good thing. In contrary to how grand I had felt hours before when watching myself in that dress in the mirror, I now needed to be reminded that I was only a humble commoner who had made grave mistakes. Mistakes I wanted to apologize for ... Slowly and carefully – not yet used to walking around in a long dress with a sweeping skirt – I proceeded into the room, keeping myself close to the wall, because I didn't dare cross the dancefloor where everybody could see me. My eyes kept scanning the crowd for a glimpse of unruly black hair or crimson eyes. I shuffled around a pillar into the next room and all thoughts came slamming to a stop.

.  
  
**T**his was when I saw him. And he saw me. Our environment faded into nothingness and everything remaining was us. He looked magnificent. The regal attire gave him the air of authority and caused me to feel even lower than before. The look of the crown on his forehead was unfamiliar and made him look stern and ceremonious. I stared at him, unable to do anything else. For how long, I couldn't tell. Only when he moved in my direction did I snap out of my trance. He was nearly there, barely leaving time for me to feel nervous. Then he was stopping in front of me. Ruby eyes bore into mine. And I was lost for words.

...

He didn't say anything either. He just held out his gloved hand, and without hesitation I put mine into his. Maybe I should have known that he was not as easily forgiving as my imagination made him be ... that would have spared me the shock I felt at his sudden action. With a sharp tug he ripped off one of my long gloves. Fabric tore and shreds were falling to the ground, and I gasped in surprise. "Van, what are you ...?" His blazing glare made my words stuck in my throat. Never in my life had I seen him this furious! Slowly and accusingly he lifted my hand, until the broad scar was right in front of my eyes. He didn't need to say anything; I knew what he meant. What was I supposed to say? I didn't feel up to meeting his hard and unyielding gaze and had to lower my head in shame.  
  
For another moment nothing happened, until I heard him exhale sharply. Again, his sudden movement surprised me. He dropped my hand and whirled around, apparently intent on getting away from me. I only needed a fraction of a second to realize that I might lose him, and my reaction was as quick as his. I grabbed for him and caught a handful of his scarlet cloak. Yanking on the cloth in order to turn him around I sobbed out: "Don't leave me!", only to earn a snarl: "Let go, Hitomi." But I wouldn't let go, not until I had had my say, so I merely shook my head and tried to get him to look at me again. I succeeded.  
  
I drew a deep breath. Now I needed quick thinking, because if I didn't manage to convince him to talk to me now, I felt I wouldn't get another chance to do so. His enraged gaze had told me that much. So I began with a soft voice: "Please talk to me. I need you." "Really?", he spat with a bitter expression, "I wouldn't have supposed that. Unless you need someone to finish off what you already started. In that case, go ask somebody else, I'm not helping you this time, thank you very much!" His words hit home and I faltered under their impact, but I suppressed any feeling of weakness. This was more important.  
  
Once again he escaped and stalked away, and I scurried after him, desperate for getting him to listen. "Van, please let me explain. Just give me a minute. Van!" He stopped abruptly and I, surprised at his sudden halt, collided with his back. A wave of nausea ran through my system, undoubtedly caused by the heavy blow. I fought the urge to sink to the floor when he surprisingly agreed by saying: "Alright. I guess I owe you that much. Spill, you only have one minute. And I don't have to remind you that you need a damn good reason to explain why you did what you did." His voice was still harsh and cold, and the loss of its passionate vibrance nearly made me cry and clouded my vision. As quickly as possible I tried to summon my rapidly vanishing strength and gather my composure. This was the opportunity I had been waiting for, and I was not going to waste it. "Listen", I began, "when I came back to Earth, I ..."  
  
This was when my body decided to betray me. My heartbeat suddenly accelerated, causing me to stop with a gasp. My shaking knees suddenly gave way. I desperately tried to grab for a support, but to no avail. Mercilessly, gravity claimed me.  
  
Before my body slumped to the floor I could see his shocked expression. Then everything went black. I had fallen unconscious again. Before I could have told him anything.

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**M**y first impression through squinted eyes was the canopy of my bed. Obviously I was back in my room, and it seems like at least some of the unforgiving higher deities had taken pity on me by getting me away from the revealing stares of the Royal society. Other than that, there was not much consolation left for me. I had lost the only opportunity to make Van understand the reasons for my suicide attempt. The exertions I had taken to catch his attention had been too much for my recovering body, and just when I had finally been face – to – face with him, I had ruined it all. From now on, he would most probably contempt me even more for being so weak.  
  
I groaned and wondered whether my promise would allow me to cry just then when I perceived a dark figure sitting at my bed. His aura was flowing around me like warm water, instantaneously taking away all my worries. I forced my eyes to fully open, causing a blaze of light to singe my retinae. Well, I couldn't care less about this trifle; it was far more important to confirm with my senses what my heart already knew: It was Van.  
  
His features were serious, but his eyes were showing worry as he stooped down to look at me. "Van ...", I croaked. Like in my dream, his fingers touched my lips to silence me. "Don't speak", he whispered. "you'll have to rest for a while. I ..." a weak smile appeared on his face "I'll give you a timeout. Go back to sleep, and whatever you want to explain, do it later." He even gave a slight chuckle at my unbelieving stare: "It definitely makes more sense to yell at you when you are awake and able to understand what I am saying ..." I couldn't believe my senses. This was actually the same cold and distant king I had pleaded with in the ballroom?  
  
Fingertips still on my face, he continued in a quiet, somewhat dejected, voice: "I was so furious when I saw what you had done. I couldn't believe that YOU, above anyone else, would resort to desperate measures. I didn't even know something was wrong, because you didn't contact me once. I could have tried to help you, you know." His disappointed gaze caused my eyes to burn with held-back tears. I wanted to say something, but exhaustion had already taken its toll.  
  
His voice now was barely more than a breath: "I missed you so much, Hitomi, but my hope to see you again had kept me alive. You promised me to come back, do you remember?" I nodded, and he went on: "You promised me I'd see you again. So how do I account for this?" His fingers touched my scars, making me flinch. "You were close to leaving me, breaking your promise to me. How do I know you won't try that for a second time?" Silence, then: "Do you understand why I can't trust you anymore? Gods, Hitomi ... " His voice broke off, and he turned away, clearly hiding strong emotions from me.  
  
To hear his strained voice, to see his struggling face and feel the sadness he radiated was too much for me. And in his warm and comforting presence, I started to cry. I cried all the tears I had swallowed in the previous five years, and even more. I cried for him, because he couldn't, I cried for us, because our reunion shouldn't have been as painful as it now was. Finally, I cried because I was now aware that keeping my promise would be more painful than I'd've expected. But still, I would keep it. To me, it was sacred.

. .. ... .... ..... To be continued.

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_and now for something completely different. i proudly present my replies to reviewers (in the order of appearance; and by the way, i don't own monty python ...):  
  
**akai chou: **thank you! you'll find that there are some more authors who resort to the first person singular perspective. sometimes it is only used in a part of the story – f. e. as a flashback, or a short change of perspective in order to bamboozle the reader a bit – and sometimes the whole story is written like that. some authors, among them emilio who is one of my favourite writers– even switch between several narrators. i find that telling a story from the writer's own perspective often conveys much more atmosphere as well as feelings. the reader gets to suffer with the hero / heroine, and in my view, this is a much more enjoyable read. i spares you a lot of complicated explanation concerning you heroe's character, too. also, i consider it a more daring approach to my plot: in real life, i only have my own perspective to deal with as well. and as in real life, my narrator never knows what other people are thinking and feeling, which allows a lot more development as well as more interaction with other characters. i suggest you try that as well, it's loads of fun!  
  
**adora – chillwind: **cheers! i've got the whole plot worked out, sort of. so i guess you guys don't have to worry about me stopping in mid-story. Sadly enough, I've experienced too many cases in which some talented author suddenly stops writing a great stoy. Whatever their reasons are (and some have good reasons!), for the reader it often proves to be downright frustrating not to know how the story continues. i promised myself that i would finish all the stories that i started, even if it took me years (which i hope won't be the case here). so, if you liked my story, i'd be glad if you read on to the end ...  
  
**lil-saturn-goddess: **as you wish ... there you are ;-). sometimes it may take me some time to get each chapter finished. i often find myself dissatisfied with some of my expressions, and i always proof – read each chapter several times to make sure i still like what i have written. every story (as well as every drawing) of mine needs a lot of time to ripen. i need to leave them alone for at least a day to check i'm still content. so please bear with me ...  
  
**Darkness-of-the-fallen: **thanks for taking interest in my story! i hereby promise that you as well as hitomi will still have a lot to endure ... it takes some pain to earn a happy ending (hehe!). don't you love the suspension of being kept waiting ;-) ?  
  
**Icy Discordia: **whoa, was that supposed to be a threat?! anyway, i'll do my best to satisfy you ... so please tell me how i am doing. and puhleeze don't hurt me if i don't, it's my first attempt at a continuation !!! so if you like the dark stuff, you should love the esca series ... at least i think it is kinda dark, don't you? of course it isn't that gloomy compared to ... say ... cowboy bebop or something, but it still has some obscure episodes, and a lot of blood as well. so, until next chapter?  
  
cheers, akari _


	3. Foliage

_uuuuuurgh, that took AGES to write. look, i'm really sorry about having made you wait for so long. there was a lot of work crashing down on my poor head. i definitely will have to re-do this, because i have the feeling that there i'll find quite a few bumps. alright, i'll stop fussing, just read ...  
  
i don't own any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. runa, however, is mine, as well as the plot, so please no plagiarism. if you find any mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.  
  
and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

  
  
Colours  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Foliage

* * *

Clip – clop, clippe – di – clop, clop ... The steady rhythym of the horses' hooves was as even as it was narcotic. We have not been traveling for long - about one and a half hours - but I was already bored to tears. My travel companion didn't do much to distract me, too. For the whole period of time we'd been continually proceeding into the woods, he had not directed a single word at me. True, Van has never been the prototype of what I understood by "entertaining", but back when we had been on speaking terms, at least we would have done serious talking. He would have told me about his life, his world or at least Gaian politics. Heck, I'd even settle for a discussion on combat tactics, which five years ago would have driven me insane. Now that I am older (and hopefully wiser), I'd learned to prefer even awkward discussion to absolute silence.  
  
I think I should be glad that at least he had consented in escorting me to my destination. He could have ordered some of his guards to get me away, and the fact that he didn't do that gave me a reason to hope that he might have forgiven me. Obviously, he had not. This was not the romantic stroll at his side I'd have been imagining. But still ...  
  
We were alone. I was itching to confess what I had not come around to tell him on the evening of the feast. One glance at his back, however, made me lose my nerve. His shoulders seemed to be hunched up, and his entire bearing spoke volumes about his being tense and dismissive. I decided to play possum, waiting for him to relax. We still had several hours to go, so maybe with passing time he might open up a bit.  
  
My vision became slightly blurred for a moment. I had definitely not done a full recovery. The cuts at my wrists had healed off smoothly, but the loss of a huge amount of blood kept causing me to tire out rather quickly. Plus, I've never sat on a horse in my whole life, so the prospect of spending another couple of hours in such an unusual and uncomfortable position didn't exactly raise my spirits. I reacted with a stronger grip on my reigns and hoped I would be spared the painfulness of another fit. Once again, I silently cursed my weakness which, after all, was the reason that brought me into this situation and which caused a lot of trouble for Van.  
  
The physician had recommended fresh air as well as light exercise to improve the state of my health, and Van had obviously decided to use this as an excuse to push me out of his sight and suggested – no, ordered – for me to stay abroad for some weeks.  
  
Well, now I was being unjust. Van had very good reasons to get me out of the castle, and I knew that. It seemed that the political situation af Fanelia was anything but stable. There had been continual riots and buildings were assaulted. The newest development included kidnapping of court officials by a group which called themselves "Anti – Royalists". Of course, I didn't really have the best insight concerning Fanelian internal affairs; at least not from my position. But it appeared that after the restoration of the kingdom some people were unsatisfied with the way Van used to handle his monarchy. King Goau, his father, had been a gracious and kind ruler, and in the eyes of certain groups, Van did not quite fulfil their hopes of being equally indulgent.  
  
This, of couse, had to be rubbish. Everybody knew that the circumstances of Van's reign were very much different from his father's. The moment Folken's disappearance designated him to be the future king, he was much too young to carry the burden of sovereignty alone. He had to be strict in order to be taken seriously by much older and more experienced advisors, military leaders and fellow rulers. On the day of his coronation, Zaibach's attack forced his realm into an equally unexpected and devastating war, and him into hiding.  
  
His regency had been nothing but a line of trials, which gave him a disciplined, rigorous and grave personality (not to forget the added burden my foolish behaviour loaded him with, I realized with a twinge of self – consciousness). Considering all the pangs he had had to suffer, it is a miracle that he turned out as well as he did: in spite of all the efforts he had to make for Fanelia, he remained a fair and generous leader, whom the majority of his people trusted blindly. The mere thought of him being a tyrant, as his adversaries kept claiming, was ridiculous. Nevertheless, a part of his subjects kept opposing to him and causing havoc and mayhem instead of giving Fanelia a bit of long-needed peace.  
  
A week ago, a particularly dangerous assault on one of the Royal counsellors occurred, killing the man along with his family within the confines of the palace. Panic had started to spread among the inhabitants and urged Van to act. The next day, he had made it very clear to me that he wanted me out of the castle and in safety. He'd arranged for me to stay with the wolf – people I had already got to know during my last stay on Gaia and had finally confronted me with the facts that I would be leaving in a few days.  
  
I had consented without a fuss. I knew he meant well. I was positive that he wanted me to remain safe and sound, but in spite of that I still felt unwanted, hurt and offended. I might have tried to argue, but once again, my promise forced me to comply to his wish. If he wanted me off his feet, out of whichever reason, I had to obey, and I even managed to hide my disappointment.  
  
Which leads me to where I am now.  
  
I wavered again, gasped in surprise, and as if he'd closely listened for every tiny noise he whipped around. His voice showed a hint of concern as he asked: "Are you feeling too weak to proceed ? Do you want to rest ?" "No" I smiled at him. "I don't think this is necessary. To be honest, I'd rather get there quickly instead of resting." After a fraction of a second of hesitation I added: "I can't wait to see them again." A very small, wistful smile tugged at the corners of his mouth: "That's the same with me. I haven't seen Ruhm for at least two years ..."  
  
Glad that he finally sort of talked to me, I hastily continued: "So how long have you known him? You seem quite familiar with each other." "We are. To me, he is the equivalent of a brother." My questioning look made him elaborate: "When I was a child, I have been staying with his family for a year. My parents had wanted Folken and me to learn how to survive. They figured the best way was to let us live in the wild with people who have a ... simple ... standard of living for some time. Ruhm's father was one of my father's best friends. He agreed to take Folken in and teach him how to hunt, to ride on horseback, to fight with knives and everything else he might need. I followed his example a few years later." His eyes were distant, as if recalling the old days when his life had still been easy and careless.  
  
"And ..." I carefully went on, "this is what you are planning for me as well?" He nodded, and I felt some of my tension melt away. Taking me to live with his close friends seemed to prove that he cared about my safety, and his decision did hopefully not mean that I was being exiled. I was eager to keep the conversation going and tried to think of a harmless topic to continue with. I remembered our "strategic talks" of a couple of years ago and ventured to ask about his plans: "What are you going to do about the Anti-Royalists? They are terrorizing your people and insulting you, you can't let them have their way!" I was met with silence; at first I thought I'd overestimated his good-will. After a couple of minutes of strained silence, he finally answered: "I'll take care of that, don't worry." That was everything. After that, he lapsed into meditative silence again, and the rest of the journey passed as uneventful as the first.

* * *

Hammering noises and barking yells announced the end of our road – trip. Before the village came into view, we were already surrounded by kids of all ages, some of whom nearly knocked Van out of the saddle with their welcome, which meant they simply pounced on him. I had to give him credit that he really did well – must have been the practice Meruru used to give him. That thought reminded me that I still didn't know anything about said cat-girl's whereabouts. I added this to the list of questions I would ask Van as soon as the next opportunity to talk arose.  
  
We emerged from the final barrier of shrubbery and finally entered a vast clearing, surrounded by huge trees, each of whom carried at least one treehouse. On the far end of the opening an enormous steep rock, perforated by several caves, mounted into the sky. From one of these caves a well – known figure came trotting towards us ... Ruhm. He was carrying a wolf – child on his arm who – at the sight of Van – bounded to the floor and towards Van with a squeal of excitement. "Baaaaaaan is here!!!"  
  
Van dropped off his horse, wearing the first true smile I've seen on his face since I came back to Gaia. "There you are, little brother! Gods, you've grown so much, it is unbelievable ..." He hugged the cub and I had to giggle at this open display of affection. He'd be such a good father, he looked like he adored the little one ... But I guess until he would have children of his own, some time still would have to pass. Right now, he was not even married.  
  
Or was he?! A sudden chill invaded my chest. I still didn't know what had happened in these five years of my absence. For all I knew, he COULD be married. People here used to marry young; Millerna had only been a child when she'd been promised to Dryden. And after all, Van was a good – looking young king with a small, but respectable realm at his hands. Many young noblewomen would be more than willing to have him. The picture of Meruru popped into my head. Maybe she was the lucky one ?!  
  
I tried to hide my dark thoughts as Ruhm stepped towards me. His voice was deep and soothing, as I remembered it to be. "Welcome, young girl. Your visit honours us, and you'll find the wolf tribe of the Eastern Forest ready to provide for your comfort." His heartfelt, yet simple words dropped into my soul like hot liquid, warming me to the bone and chasing away some of my uncertainty. I must have relaxed visibly, because I felt Van do the same. With a little bow, I responded saying a few polite and gracious words in order to express my thankfulness, and Ruhm bowed in return and motioned for me to follow him into the village.  
  
Although I was dead tired, I kept my eyes open to take in all the new impressions surrounding me. The settling was small, but exceptionally tidy. Several kids were immersed into a funny skipping game, and everybody else was busy. Ruhm led us towards the steep rock and into one of the more spacious caves. We finally reached a fairly large room, holding what seemed to be the sleeping quarter, as I deducted from finding several heaps of furs and blankets piling on the floor. Its sole inhabitant was a young wolf – woman, who was engaged in tending to a pair of very young cubs.  
  
"Runa", the voice of our leader rung through the cave, slightly echoing off the walls, and the female turned around. She took sight of the group of visitors and lightly leapt to her feet. With this agile and smooth way of walking that all of the beast-men inherited, she stepped towards us and bowed gracefully. "Good, day, Mylord Van and Mylady." With a respectful glance towards Ruhm, she added: "Pack-Leader."  
  
"This", Ruhm began, "is my natural sister Runa. You, young girl, are going to live with her and her family. She will take good care of you." I smiled nervously at the stately figure of my hostess and greeted her with what I hoped was gratefulness, respect and at the same time courtesy. The warm and slightly hoarse voice of the woman asked me to accompany her to meet her family, and I hastily complied, leaving Van and his brother standing in the doorway. The last thing I heard Ruhm saying was: "I take it you will do us the honour to join our hunt today, my Lord?" After that, we turned around the corner blocking the rest of the conversation from reaching our ears.  
  
For the rest of the afternoon, I was permanently kept busy. Runa left no doubt that she counted me as a family member. At first this revelation made me feel nothing short of flattered, because it obviously meant that she regarded me as someone her equal. That may be true, but – as I found out only a little later – that also meant that I'd have to join the daily duties coming along with living in a family.  
  
No simple task. My "sister", as Runa insisted on calling herself in relation to me, made sure that I was not entrusted with heavy chores according to my unstable health status. Still, there were a lot of things to do. As I heard from one of the younger women, there was supposed to be a gathering tonight (later I should learn that this was not something special, but just another daily routine of assembling the tribe and just having a party). The preparations for this feast, however, took a lot of time and diligence.  
  
I was assigned to a spot in the "kitchen", where a rough dozen of cauldrons were bubbling over stoves and a huge quantity of the village feminity seemed to have hidden. Without ceremony, and without more than a smile for my neighbour, a merely toothless old woman, I set to work cutting roots, grinding herbs into a powdery mess and constantly stirring in one of the kettles or other.  
  
Deeply immersed into my work as I was, I didn't perceive the change of shift concerning the position on my right, until I heard Runa's distinct growl: "You are still famous, you know ..." Surprised, I lifted my head to see my hostess cowering next to me. Without waiting for me to say anything, she continued: "You are the woman who ended the Great War, the goddess of victory. How come you are badly hurt?" The sudden change of tone caught me off-guard.  
  
"I ... er ... um ..." I stuttered around for a bit, but finally settled for telling the truth. I would not stoop to lying to these people who had so far offered me nothing but kindness. Plus, I had sworn to live with the consequences of my false behaviour. "I was hurt by myself, by my own weakness. I am about the farthest you can get to being a goddess. Please don't tell me that I am." My voice was stern and honest, and what I said earned me a curious, but benevolent glance from my neighbour. "They say that self – consciousness about your weakness is the first step towards improvement. It takes a lot of strength to be always honest." Sadly, I nodded. "Yeah, I'll need a lot of that. I've already lost everything that I had..."  
  
She didn't let me sink deeper into my depression. "They say that you are in love with Mylord Van." It was a statement, not a question, and I blushed furiously, immediately switching over to "defence mode". "Crap! What is it to make you think that?!" A good – natured chuckle was the answer. "So it is true. Your reaction confirmed as much. You've made a good choice. He will make a fine husband. Determined and loyal, and a good provider for you and your brood. Always the best hunter, he was."  
  
By now, my face was as hot as one of the stoves. "Stop it !!! I'm not. And even if I were, there is no way he is going to marry ME above all women. As far as he knows, I'm not worth his love. " "Then go and show him you are. He's strong, he won't take a cowardy woman. He surely wants a courageous companion to give him strong children." Although her implications made me blush twenty shades of red, her words left me even more determined to recover. She was right. I would fight for him. I would begin today, by finally asking him if he were still mad at me. Tonight was the night.

* * *

A huge fire was blazing in the middle of the assembly place, spreading warmth as well as a flickering light among the groups of people gathered around it. The women had provided an astonishing amount of food for the hunters, and all left to do was wait for their return. I was tingling with anticipation for Van's arrival. Runa had kindly offered me something more casual to wear; she had justly reckoned that those riding pants – along with the disturbingly revealing corset blouse I was wearing courtesy of Yone – appeared to be highly uncomfortable. They were, and I gladly ditched them in favour of a loose, fairly simple dress which in my opinion suited me much better than all the combined fineries of Van's court.  
  
High – pitched yells of triumph, which kept coming nearer, announced a successful hunt. The first group of the men already broke through the surrounding bushes, loaded with prey. They were welcomed by cheers and smiling faces, and one by one the whole group arrived on the scene. My eyes once again scanned the crowd for a pair of crimson eyes. I was so preoccupied with how he had looked when I had last seen him that I nearly missed him twice.  
  
His tanned skin was covered with soft leather pants as well as a roughly woven sleeveless tunic. He was covered in dirt and minor scratches, but I doubted that he would ever look more majestic when wearing his regal attire. Had I not fallen in love with him years ago, I definitely would now. His gaze was unyielding and wild, and his posture conveyed all the pride of his position. He must have felt my look, because he turned and our eyes locked. I was instantly hypnotized by the fierce sparkle in his ruby pupils and did not avert my gaze until we were seperated by two of the wolf- people carrying the dead body of an elk-like creature which was tied to a pole _(AN: how about 'elk-look-alike'?! gods, what a language ;-).  
_  
My plans to speak to my love interest had to wait, though. Alas, there still was a lot to do before dinner! The prey was to be carried away, skinned, disemboweled and cut up, and, naturally, it was the women who had to do it all. I have to admit that this time, I had toyed with the thought of trying to worm my way out of these tasks under the pretence of feeling exhausted, but Runa kept such a close eye on me that I crushed my hopes. Yes, I had to be strong, even if that meant sticking your hands into a bloody pulp of elk-guts without even making a grimace of disgust ...  
  
Ten minutes – and three attempts – later Runa came to see me. I had just returned into the cave after being violently sick under the next tree when she stood there and motioned for me to follow her out of the cave. I was pretty sure she planned to reprimand me for my apparent weakness, and I felt too weak to argue and just lowered my head in anticipation of a good telling off. However, the blow didn't come. I caught a glimpse of her face and was shocked to see her smirk.  
  
With a conspiratory smile and a would – be casual voice she told me that while the women took care of the prey, the men mostly used the remaining time before dinner for taking a bath and some rest. She added: "The usual bathing place is a few steps away from the village, where the river is broad and shallow. However, if you follow its course up – stream for some dinstance, you will end up at a cataract. You might find it interesting that Mylord Van prefers this place for his bath." I could feel my features heating up again, but the opportunity was too good to miss. With another smile, Runa disappeared, and of course I lost no time in following her unspoken advice and snuck away.  
  
Had I known I would be overrun by such an amount of scruples, I would most certainly have stayed at the village...  
  
The crescent moon was lighting the scene I was unbelievingly staring at. I don't think Van knew he was being watched, otherwise he wouldn't have acted so carefree and easy. And it was a good thing he didn't suspect anything, because I don't think I could cope with my embarassment right then.  
  
As hard as I thought, I couldn't remember ever having him seen this exposed. He had used to tear his shirt to pieces in order to spread his wings, so that I had had enough view of his naked chest. But this ... I silently cursed my slow thinking. What did I expect? He has been supposed to take a bath, and bathing was what he did. And for this, he eventually had to take off his clothes ...  
  
Don't get me wrong, he REALLY was a sight for sore eyes. Years of hardships, constant fighting and physical exertions had left their traces on him, leaving him with a lean, muscular and overall appealing physique. He had the understated build of a trained fighter, not a gram of fat was blemishing his figure and his movements were graceful and lithe. As a boy, his scrawny limbs had looked a bit mismatched and awkward. I could now see that as a man, nothing of it was left. He was attractive. Very much so.  
  
Which, of course didn't help me at all. How was I supposed to talk to him like that? He might catch me staring at him, unless he allowed me to come near him, that is ... With a frustrated grunt, I kicked against a rock lying at my feet, only to chide myself again for the obvious mistake. The lump noisily bumped down the flat precipice I was standing on until it splashed into the water, and the fraction of a second later I found myself face to face with Van's sword.  
  
The surprise in his eyes was real, but to me it was more important that it did not contain any anger. For a moment we just stood there staring at each other. Then he gave a soft sigh before swiftly gliding back into the water, until he was covered to his stomach. "Is something wrong, Hitomi?" he asked quietly. By this time I had already had my confusion covered and was able to reply. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you. It's just that I ... needed to see you." His lips parted in a soundless 'aaaaah'. Then he nodded. "I quite understand", was his calm response. "You need to tell me something?" "Yes", I breathed. "I know this is not the perfect moment, and I know you're busy, but ... well, you are going to leave tomorrow, aren't you? I won't see you for some time, and I just want it off my chest right now. This is egoistic, but ..." He interrupted me again. "I understand. You are not being egoistic. I'm sorry that I didn't find the time to listen to you. Please tell me what you were having on your mind."  
  
I alllowed myself a relieved sigh. Step one was a success, but it was a pity that Van appeared to be more than a King granting an audience than a lover granting a rendez – vous ..."Can I ... can I come closer? It's weird, having to talk to you over such a distance." After a short moment of hesitation – probably worrying about the propriety of the situation - he nodded again. I suppressed another deep breath and cautiosly stepped forward.  
  
Only when I reached him he turned around for modesty's sake. There he sat before me, shoulders hunched up once again and seemingly as tense as he had been the whole day. Before I even knew what I was doing, I carefully started to rub his shoulders. At first he twitched and I feared he might pull away, but to my surprise he did not. I gained confidence and began to massage his back. Triumph seeped into my mind as he finally leaned into my touch. Hopefully that was the first step back to the closeness we once shared.  
  
A few minutes passed in comfortable silence. Then I began to speak. I told him verything that had happened after the day I left Gaia. My family's reaction to my absence. How I tried to explain everything, without anyone believing me. Yukari leaving me behind. Grandma's death. My mother's new boyfriend, violence and depression. I didn't hide the fact that I had missed him, and I also did not leave out my numerous attempts to reach his conscience, which had all been in vain.  
  
He remained silent and did not interrupt even once. As I finally reached the last stage - my growing desperation and the first thoughts of suicide - he lowered his head; otherwise, I did not get any reaction. Did he believe me? And, more essential, was he willing to comprehend my reasons for what I had done?  
  
I finished my explanation with what I had thought was my death and quickly pondered whether to leave it at that. Feeling that he needed some kind of reassurance that I would not try this a second time, I added: "You were the reason why I survived, in more than one way. You taught me what love can achieve, and because of this I will never ever give up on me again. I don't ask you to understand what had happened, and I don't dare to ask you for forgiveness for what I did to you. I just ask you to believe that I will NEVER leave you." His strict silence caused me to be increasingly uneasy, and I went on in a pleading tone: "Please, Van, tell me that you will believe me ..."  
  
Nothing came. Hopelessly, I lowered my chin and closed my eyes. It seemed like I messed it up. Was he as unforgiving as he had been a few years ago? Should I tell him about my promise? But that would mean putting him under pressure. I knew he'd feel responsible for me even to a bigger extent than he did now. He'd want me to keep out of dangers, like his usual over – protective self he has always been.  
  
"I can't ...." his voice was rather small, and so was he. He seemed to shrink under my touch. Holding my breath, I repeated: "You can't ...?" "I can't stand something like this again. You lay there, blood everywhere, and your heart .... just stopped beating. Just like that. You were DYING. In my arms. I had missed you like mad, I had hoped that someday you'd return to me, and you just DIED on me." His words started to tumble. "I was feeling so helpless. This was the second and third time that you were close to death, and all these times you'd been doing it on purpose. Can you imagine what I felt, Hitomi?"  
  
His voice now seemed to be breaking. Now it was my turn to feel helpless. I didn't know how to console him; I just wanted to be close, so I did the only thing that made sense to me: Slowly I began to stroke his shoulders, feeling him shaking slightly under my fingertips. For some time, he let me continue. My hands moved over his neck, caressing his cheeks and his collarbones. He appeared to be regaining his composure, because his trembling subsided. I could still not see his face, but I assumed that he was soon going to be all right. It was then that I made the mistake.  
  
My movements primarily generated from my love for him, so I did not take care of where my fingers roamed. Suddenly he tensed visibly, and I realized with a shock that my hands had been wandering over his chest to his stomach. I immediately froze, but the damage was done. With a jerk he tore away from my touch, and his eyes were glinting dangerously as he whirled around to face me.  
  
"Don't." He sounded upset, accusing, confused, and I couldn't even blame him for it. I only managed to hope that it was not too late for reparations. "Van, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ..." "Stop it!", he spat. "Do you really thing I'll allow myself to fall for you again?" His piercing glare burned deep into my eyes, but it was nothing compared to the impact his words had on me. I weakly repeated: "Fall for you ...?"  
  
Only after a few minutes he felt up to answering, and his chest was still heaving from his efforts to calm down. "Yes Hitomi, fall for you. You do know that I have been in love with you, do you? And you do know that I have died a thousand deaths when you have arrived in the bad condition of yours, DO YOU? And now you really think I will allow myself to get into that weak position again? Allow you to break my heart again? I'm not that trusting anymore, thanks to you."  
  
Under his hard stare, I began to cry. "Forgive me ..." I whispered. His gaze slowly softened. "Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." Still crying, I assured him: "You were right. This is all my fault. Just don't say that you don't want to see me again, please ..."  
  
Minutes passed. Then: "I won't. I still need you, and I can't let you go. Just give me some time to get over it, all right?" Hardly able to belive what I heard, I looked into his face. In spite of my blurry vision I could distinguish his calm features, and the honest look he gave me. In lack of being able to do anything else, I nodded, and he relaxed again. "You'd better leave now, Hitomi ... sorry" he whispered, and obediently I consented.  
  
Hesitatingly, I then turned around and left for the village, which was already glowing invitingly. The minute I stepped among the buzzing crowd, my tears had already disappeared from my face...

* * *

to be continued ...

* * *

_and now for something completely different (i don't own monty python ...), and as always, in the order of appearance:  
_  
**Icy Discordia:** no offence meant !!! really, i feel flattered that readers do have high expectations concerning one of my stories. i feel i need an extra incentive to work extra hard. you already know that i re-read every chapter in order to smoothe some things out, and as this is going to be the longest story i have ever written (until now, i've only done one – shots or very short pieces) i need someone who reminds me to keep up my work on the same level i begun with. so ... please keep nagging me!!!  
  
**lil-saturn-goddess:** thanks for your faith !!! and i promise, it's gradually growing more cheerful each chapter. i love happy endings, at least for my favourite couples!  
  
**akai chou:** gods, right now i'm blushing again... thank you! i hope you like this chapter! so, have you tried the first person perspective yet? how did it feel?  
  
**Inda:** thanks! well, won't say what happens later. read on ... but i think you might like what i have in store for them ... ;-)


	4. Haze

_hi everybody, after tearing down some wallpaper, doing a bit of plaster work and roundabout amusing myself with renovation works, i'm good and ready for another evening of soppy romance. though, we're not yet there ...  
  
a rough majority of my reviewers seems to pity van and hitomi for their suffering. maybe i should have allowed them to get together first thing after their reunion. but, come on, guys, this story would have ended after one (very short) chapter. and, in all honesty, where's the fun in doing that?  
  
however, for those of you who like it quick and pain-less, there you are:

* * *

Happy End (or: The Shortest Escaflowne Love Story Of All Times)  
  
"There you are, Hitomi", Van breathed after the girl from the mystic moon had suddenly appeared in front of his very eyes. "Van ..." Hitomi whispered teary-eyed and ran into his arms to be pulled into a soul-searing kiss ...  
  
The End

* * *

decide for yourself: which of the stories do you like better? is there even anyone who can do an even shorter love story? (challenge!!!). well, on to the formalities:  
  
**i don't own any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. runa and gudrun, however, are mine, as well as the plot, so please no plagiarism. if you find any mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.  
**  
and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari

* * *

_

> **Colours  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Haze**

* * *

"Sister?" She used the term for "younger sister", and at first, I didn't realize Runa was actually adressing ME. "... Hitomi? Sister?" Suddenly the penny dropped. I snapped out of my trance and turned towards her with an apologetic smile. "Forgive me, Runa. Nobody had ever called me 'younger sister', for I never had elder siblings ...". Feeling the improper meaning of my words, I hastily added: "At least not until now. I guess it'll take me some time to get used to the way you adress each other." Runa nodded and kindly skipped my impolite implications of not really belonging here.  
  
In fact, there HAD been someone who had sometimes used to call me "little sister". It had been Yukari. Thinking of her was painful, but even more agonizing was the thought that I had purposefully driven her out of my mind after she had turned traitor on me. I pushed the memory of her aside and turned back to my hostess.  
  
"Can I help you? Do you need a hand with the kids?" This has been one of my duties since I had arrived about two and a half months ago. I had been assigned to guard the little ones over the day. A tasked that I loved, because the cubs were adorable. Most of them really were well-behaved, cute little angels, and from the look of it they had "adopted" me from the first day on. No miracle here, as I knew lots of funny stories to tell (thanks to my share of Grimm's fairy tales) and even more new games to play (thanks to my track coaches).  
  
"It's something different. Gudrun has been asking for you. You should go and see her." Runa told me. A shiver of anticipation ran along my spine. Gudrun. She was Ruhm's mother, thus Van's 'adoptive' mother, and at the same time the respected advisor and senior leader of the tribe. While Ruhm led the male pack members to hunt and was asked to decide in cases of controversy, war and general tribe policy, she was the one to ultimately answer questions of significance for the tribe's existence as well as basic law and morals.  
  
Runa had already explained to me that I had to see her at some point, because her mother had the habit as well as the ultimate right to see every tribe member and speak to every guest whenever she wished to do so. Now that it was my turn, I couldn't help feeling nervous and a bit anxious. All of the wolf-people kept offering her their unrestricted respect and reverence, and her word was as good as law. Plus, she was told to have immense mental powers, be able to read people's minds and see their deepest secrets. There was no doubt she would be able to guess what I had done so far. Secretly I was wondering whether she might despise me for my past, and maybe expel me.  
  
In any case, there was no way for me to avoid the confrontation. Since I figured it might be best to get it over as quickly as possible, I signaled my consent and began to move to the senior leader's hut. A light touch on my forearm stopped me. "If you want to take some piece of advice," Runa said quietly, "be honest. She wants to get to know you, and whatever you are planning to hide from her, be sure that she'll find out anyway." I nodded, thanked her and drew back my shoulders, at the same time extending a trembling hand towards the door-flap.  
  
The inside of the hut was somber; a small fire threw dancing shadows onto the uneven walls. Gudrun was sitting right opposite of the entrance. Compared to other old men and women, she still was a formidable-looking wolf-woman. Unmoving, she watched me enter her dwelling and settle down. I bowed deeply like I had been shown to and kneeled down under the piercing gaze of her amber eyes.  
  
A few minutes passed with neither of us moving. I felt uncomfortable under her scrutinizing stare, but respect caused me to keep my eyes lowered and prevent my fingers from fidgeting. Finally, she adressed me with a hoarse voice. "You are Hitomi, the Seeress from the Mystic Moon.""Yes, Ma'am," I answered. She added: "You are also the beloved of my son, Van."  
  
My throat tightened. Technically, I was not. I wasn't even close. In spite of that, Van's and my 'relationship' had always seemed to be out of question, as far as the rest of the population of the tribe was concerned. For them, our being together came as naturally as the statement that the sky was blue and the leaves were green. I had long given up trying to explain the complicated truth, because nobody seemed to care. To know that I loved him was all that counted for them. Never ever did they seem to have the slightest doubt that this love was reciprocal. Oh, how I wished they were right!  
  
"No, Ma'am." Bearing Runa's previous advice in mind, I answered as honestly as I could. A questioning look forced me to elaborate. "I love him, Ma'am. But I'm not sure that he loves me back. I have hurt him, and it appears that he can't forgive me. That's why the answer to your question is 'no'. I am not his beloved, although he is mine." After a short pause, her next statement caught me by surprise.  
  
"Never doubt his affection for you, Seeress. If he didn't care for your safety, he wouldn't have considered sending you to a safe haven. If he didn't think you'd profit from your stay, he wouldn't have brought you to live with us." I suppressed a sigh. "Thank you, " I murmured. With her next speech, she dropped the bomb.  
  
"My third daughter," the old woman continued, obviously relating to Runa, "told me that you sometimes cry, and that you seem to be distracted quite often." "Yes," I whispered. It seemed to be a habit of hers to confront her visitors with abrupt statements and closely watch their reaction, so I found myself in the need for another explanation. "I won't deny that I would much rather be at Van's side, however much I like to be with your tribe. Since he does not want me to be with him, I hope my stay with your people will help me learn to be strong without him."  
  
For a couple of moments, silence stretched between us. I added: "Ever since I have been on Gaia, strange dreams and visions have plagued me. Some of these visions have come true, and they seemed to be a kind of forewarnings; some of them just occurred without any connection to actual incidents. All of them have in common that they are frightening in more than one way. They all show terrible aspects of the future, and most of them revolve around my love ones, like ... like Van. Being away from him without being able to warn him in case something happened pains me. " The first tears started falling from my eyes. In the end, these visions always got me crying. I tumbled on, intent on relieving myself by just telling someone what bothered me.  
  
"Ever since I was back on Gaia, they have become more frequent again, and much worse than last time I have been here. I dream almost every night. I don't think that I can cope with it anymore longer, but I can't tell anybody in case they start panicking again ..." By now, I was crying openly. The old woman's voice suddenly seemed to be more gentle and soothing as she replied: "Has there been a time in which your visions reclined or even stopped?" Wiping my eyes, I pondered for a moment.  
  
"Yes, there was. Last time, after Van and I had defeated Dornkirk, the visions suddenly stopped. Back on Earth, I didn't have any. At first I thought it was because I had given Van my energist pendant, but on the first night back on Gaia, they returned only to grow gradually stronger." Gudrun nodded gravely. "These visions are a sign of your troubled soul, a mirror of your fears and worries. You are dubbed Seeress by many people, because you are much more receptive of emotions, mood swings and other vibrations, either concerning yourself or others. The more confused your mind is, the more this confusion shows in your dreams."  
  
"Yes, I know," I murmured, "Varie had told me so back when we were in Atlantis." I was seeing clearly now. With all the shit that I had gone through in the last years, everything made sense. It also seemed that back on Earth with all its hustle and bustle and without any remnants of energist left, I had missed a lot of vibes, resulting in the lack of visions. Now that I was back on Gaia, I was back 'on air', literally speaking, and my senses were responding to the myriad of stimuli again.  
  
I came to a solution. Drawing a deep breath, I spoke again. "May I ask you a favour, Ma'am?" She inclined her head, motioning for me to go on. "I have just witnessed that you have great mental powers. Can you teach me how to control my visions?" It appeared as if this time, the old wolf-woman was caught by surprise. Her eyes flashed at me from her otherwise unreadable face.  
  
"What do you mean by control?" she replied after a short moment of hesitation. "Do you want me to altogether stop your visions?" As quick as a flash, I wanted to say 'yes'. Seeing her expectant countenance, however, I thought better of it. It seemed as if my answer to her question was crucial to her, as if a favourable decision depended on my response. Pictures of Van, bleeding, smashed by an enemy Guymelef, popped into my mind.  
  
"No," I said slowly. "I still need them to protect those I love. Sometimes, these visions have saved lifes, and I still want to be able to do that. If it's possible, I'd like to learn to separate 'real' visions from fake ones, I mean, from merely imaginary visions. Though ..." I pondered heavily, missing the eager expression on Gudrun's wrinkled face. "... well, as these fake visions generate from my, as you put it, 'troubled soul', I guess I should sort out my feelings first, shouldn't I? But what could I do? I still miss Van; it gets worse every day, and I still don't know how he is feeling about me ... how am I supposed to sort that out?"  
  
The rustle of clothes interrupted my rambling. Even as she was standing, I probably towered over Gudrun by two heads' length. Though, she did have an aura of authority around her which made her appear taller.  
  
"If you had told me you wanted the visions to stop completely, I would have denied your request. However, you chose wisely. Seeress, if I am to teach you what you desire to learn, I expect absolute obedience from you to my every command". Without even waiting for my confirmative nod, she continued: "This is your first task: I want you to bring peace to your mind. Come back as soon as you have your most urgent question answered."  
  
"But, Ma'am, I need to ..." I ventured to say, only to be roughly interrupted. "ENOUGH. Leave, and come back as soon as you have accomplished this task. Go now." Mechanically, because my mind was swirling, I bowed, rose and left. Once I was back on the gathering place, I let out a desperate moan.  
  
How on Earth (notice to mind: change 'Earth' to 'Gaia' from now on ...), well, how on Gaia was I going to do that? I already knew what was my most pressing question. I didn't need a second to decide that I wanted to know about Van's feelings for me. There certainly were lots of unanswered questions, like how all the crap on Earth had started, where the hell Meruru was and so on. But none kept me as busy as the quiz about Van's attitude towards me.  
  
In order to answer that, I would have to talk to him, wouldn't I? Only a straightforward question and a true answer were able to get me out of my doubts. For that, I needed to get back to Fanelia City. Of course, that was impossible. So was the answer that I wouldn't be able to find an answer? Would it be impossible to'appease my mind', as Gudrun had wanted me to?  
  
A sudden surge of anger ran through me. Maybe the old hag didn't think of teaching me after all? Maybe this was her way of getting rid of me? Had my request even been improper or insolent? I had not seen refusal in her eyes, that was for sure. Heck, I had had the impression that her face had been approving and sympathetic as I had told her of my problems. She had also told me that I might be able to learn a few things while living with the wolf-people.  
  
Nay, as funny as it sounded, there had to be a different solution to the problem. I reckoned that Gudrun was probably testing me, checking whether I was worthy to learn from her. Oh, and what a difficult task she had given me! My promise kicked in again. Don't ever give up and fight!  
  
The clue to the solution had to be to play to my strengths. How would I tell if somebody loved me or not? Back in High School, the problem would have been easily solved by writing a love letter and hearing the reaction. That had not been all, of course. Back when I had been infatuated with Amano, I had watched him closely in order to find out whether he appeared to be attracted to me at all, and whether he showed a preference to any other girl. Namely Yukari.  
  
Watch closely ... that was it! Watch Van closely. Remember your interaction with him. Remember what he had told you, the sound of his voice, his body language. Remember the time he came to say goodbye ...

* * *

.

..

...  
  
_"Hitomi? I have to leave now. I cannot leave Fanelia for long these times ..."  
  
"I quite understand. With all the attacks going on, it would be best  
if you returned quickly. I still wish you'd take me with you."  
  
"I will not, and you know why ..."_

> _"..."_

_"You will be safe here, Hitomi, please understand. As long as you are under my custody, I will have to make sure you do not get hurt, and ..."_

> _"Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop it!"_

_"As soon as it is safe for you to return, I will come and get you. That, you can be sure of."  
  
"Right. Just make sure that your definition of 'safe' is not too  
strict, or else I won't see you again in this lifetime."  
  
"Why can't you see that I just want what is best for you?"  
  
"And why can't you see that the one thing that is best for me is you?  
I need you, Van. I'm going to miss you, and here you are telling me  
that I won't see you for a long time!"  
  
"You ... you should know that ... my motivation to ... keep you ... away from me ... is low. I ... I don't really want to leave you either. Be sure that I'll do everything to ensure that you'll come back to me as quickly as possible. Hitomi ...just take care, will you?_

> _ "Yeah, yeah, whatever. YOU better take care. You're the one who puts himself at danger. I'm just the one who remains in her 'safe haven' as you call this, fearing for your life until you will be ready to face me again. Bye, Van."_

_"You do me an injustice. Farewell, Hitomi."_

_._

_.._

_..._

* * *

  
  
At the memory of this dialogue, I had to smile. I had been so mad at him for leaving me, that I had indeed done him an injustice. What more, I had even overlooked the encouraging signs Van had been sending me by word and deed. He had even kissed my forehead before taking leave, and all I had noticed by then had been his abrupt way of turning away from me ...  
  
Maybe it was not love he felt for me. But from all I knew until now, Van was neither hostile nor did he wish to be seperated from me, and that was more than I had ever bargained for during the last weeks. Gudrun had been right, I DID find some peace of mind, and on my own no less. She really was a wise woman. Maybe the time I'd spend under her custody would not be a loss at all ...

* * *

_to be continued ...  
_

* * *

_yeah, i know that it's rather short, but i decided to divide a super-long chapter into two parts. the opportunity to interrupt right here was too tempting. in the next chapter, you'll understand why. don't worry, though, as the next chap already exists in rough parts, and is not too long, i might be fairly quick in posting it. By the way, due to the splitting of this chap there might be more than the originally announced twelve chapters ...

* * *

_  
_and now for something completely different (i don't own monty python ...), and as always, in the order of appearance:  
_  
**lil-saturn-goddess: **thank you! i love to hear that people enjoy reading the story. as i decided to start it, i had planned it as a kind of experiment. so far i have never had more than one-shots, and no escaflowne stuff at all. nice to hear that the experiment didn't go wrong ...  
  
**Inda: **_(dam it's hard typing with a kitten in my hand) _chuckles yeah, I reckoned that much. so why do you do that ?! anyway, i tried to keep both van and hitomi as "in character" as possible. though, i have to admit that van gives me a hard time, as he's really difficult to sketch. he's so much different from all the people i know, so that i spend a lot of time figuring out how he might react to the situations i put him into. one of the reasons why i need such a long time to update ... and it doesn't stop here ... please be patient ...  
  
**Zila Kaelar: **thank you! though, do you really think it's still utterly sad ?! i must have failed in trying to gradually lighting up the general mood ... as we all know, life is not a comedy show all the time, so your comment certainly confirms my attempt to make it as "real" as possible. you'll still find some funny or happy moments as well, though. i can't have "my" heroes have a breakdown, as there will still be rough waters to pass ...  
  
**akai chou: **yuck, did i really make you suffer as much as "my" heroes ... ?! well, i didn't mean to be sadistic (concerning my readers ... concerning van and hitomi, that's a different story). sorry! although, if you're feeling along with hitomi, then you must have seen van naked as well. now that's something to be envious of ... heh. ooooh, and the ending as well ... you will SO like it! heh!  
  
**Veela-Paula: **uh-oh ... i'm blushing ... whew, don't be so enthusiastic, please, coz it makes me puff up. i still need to remain humble enough to feel the urge to check and double-check each chapter for mistakes ... anyway, i'm glad i kind of stuck to the series concerning the characters' behaviour. wait till you meet meruru !!  
  
**crescentmoon-cat: **oho, a sailor moon - freak? now i feel kinda challenged to keep you in touch with the escaflowne world ... read the next chapter and tell me: do you feel hooked? ah, and don't mind van and hitomi ... they like troubles; they agreed to play along, because both know that they have to earn their happy ending ...  
  
**Inda: **yeah, coming ... gods, stop NAGGING !!! ;-) hang on, i told you all to keep nagging me ... alright ... i'll take that back ... go on ... ;-)  
  
**Serenity's Angel In Heaven: **gods, another sailor moon - fan ... i tell you what, when i started with fanfic writing, i didn't know anything about the sm-universe. well, i knew it existed, but i've never read the manga or anything. one day someone told me that part of my pen name seemed to be the name of one of the sm characters. i started to read some fics on sm, and now i've pretty much covered the story ... there are some characters i find interesting and i was thinking of trying a sm-fic on one of them. i guess it will be totally off-course and weird, as written by an sm-"alien", but i still think of it ... you never now, one of these days i'm going to give it a shot ... as soon as i have finished this one, that is ... so, thanks for reading and keep your fingers crossed for van and hitomi!  
  
**gothicserenity: **what's up with you sm-fans ?! ooohhh, i feel so flattered ... okay, now on with the topic at hand. i will finish this one. promise. i swore to myself i would finish every freaking story that i started. it is this promise that makes me fiddle with one of my other stories i had long ago lost track of, and which nobody had ever reviewed no less ... i only recently posted a chapter of it, and i guess for a story long forgotten i was quite content about it. i digress again ... be sure that i'll finish. i've got the storyline worked out (kind of), and i love happy endings. deal?


	5. Pallor

_hi everybody, there you are, part two of my 'divided' chapter._

_important things have been happening. i just bought a pair of rollerblades. meaning that i'll either get addicted to the stuff and start skating night and day without even thinking of updating ... (not very likely, though. in my opinion, sport sucks!), or else i'll rub my face onto the street, meaning that my pieces have to be glued together in hospital, and i won't think about updating ...now which of these alternatives is more appealing?_

_none, of course. just kidding ... ehehe ..._

**_i don't own any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. runa and gudrun, however, are mine, as well as the plot, so please no plagiarism. if you find any mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them._**

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 5

**Pallor**

* * *

_**I** was running. A vague feeling of dread was urging me on. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be fine. I needed Van. His presence was soothing my frayed nerves, and I always basked in the feeling of security that I felt around him._

_My feet pounded over the floor of a long and winding corridor. At the end, I could already see shimmering lights, causing me to accelerate my pace. I was back in Fanelia City, back at the castle, back with Van. Only a few steps would take me to his side. I knew that he used to exercise on the palace roof every night; sometimes he was alone, sometimes accompanied by one or another of his generals serving as sparring partner. The clatter of swords told me that my surmise had been correct._

_I was feeling lively. His presence was what kept me sane, and every time I went to see him I felt like a child on christmas eve. With a wide grin I barged through the heavy double doors, only to come to a skidding stop. Two shadows were flying over the platform, parrying, ducking, thrusting at each other. Spaks flew whereever their blades touched, and the loud clinking of strained metal reverberated in my ears._

_I moved into the direction of the dancing shadows, and soon I was able to distinguish between Van and his sparring partner. By the looks of then, Van was on the winning side; the cloaked soldier was already yielding to the young king's powerful thrusts. Pride swelled my chest, as I watched my love's fluent and practiced moves._

_**A**fter what appeared to be only minutes later, the tables seemed to be turning. The cloaked and hooded figure of Van's adversary appeared to gain the upper hand, driving the king against a wall. I tensed. Usually, Van would never let himself be cornered. I kept watching the combatants closely and thus didn't miss Van's heavy breath. His knees seemed to give way, causing him to sway and loose footing. Something had to be wrong._

_Before I could decide how to react, the fight was over. Van's teetered again and sunk to his knees. With a quich thrust, his adversary dodged his last swipe and disarmed him. The Royal sword fell to the ground in a loud clatter, and its master sank to the ground. Sick with fear, I started to run towards him, but was stopped in my tracks by the cloaked figure's next move. He raised his sword over Van's prone body and apparently planned to thrust it into him. Considering the skills he had shown recently, and considering Van's obvious incapability to defend himself, there was no doubt that the strike would kill the king._

_I did the only thing that I could. I screamed.___

* * *

"**N**oooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

My yell still echoed from the surrounding walls as I tried to scramble into a sitting position. Hy heartbeat was frantic, I was covered in sweat and my pulse was roaring in my ears. With a wild glance around I confirmed that I was definitely NOT in Fanelia. Instead of ornate wall hangings and intricately carved wooden panels I was greeted with the sight of rough stone walls. The cool air in the cave lay on my heated skin like a blanket. Around me, sleepy murmurs and snuffles indicated that my tantrum had woken at least half of the family.

"Sister?" Again, I whipped around, only to see Runa stepping towards me with a half concerned, half quizzical expression on her face. Panting, I attempted to stifle my laboured breathing and bonelessly slumped back onto my lair. Scenes from the dream – or the vision – I had just experienced still haunted my mind. The pictures had been vivid and frightening, forcing my eyes to water.

"Forgive me," I gasped, "I just had a terrifying vision. Someone tried to kill Van!" The mention of the king's name triggered a wave of whispers and anxious murmuring, but my vision soon blurred when I began to cry. In the background I heard some of the older and more experienced women take charge of the situation. The small children were dispatched to their mothers who immediately started to soothe them. I only wished someone would take me in their arms as well. I needed Van ...

Van, who – for all I knew – could be dying at this moment, slaughtered by one of his trusted generals. I pained me to know that if he did, I wouldn't even be at his side where I felt I belonged. I needed to find out whether this vision had been a real warning or just a nightmare. I had to talk to Gudrun as soon as possible.

**E**ver since she took me in to teach me the proper use of my mental powers four weeks ago, the visions had become more frequent as well as clear. Instead of mere pictures and indistinct feelings I had become able to make out persons and locations. My mind had begun to connect singular impressions and molded them together, so that I had the feeling that a film was unwinding in front of my eyes.

The exercises that she had given me did not always make sense. Some of them were pretty pointless in my eyes, but I had complied. Every evening I had taken to imagine someone I knew, complete with the sound of their voice, their most prominent characteristics and clothing. Every morning when I woke up, I tried to remember my recent dreams and jotted them down in some kind of dream diary. I visited her every single day in order to face her ominous questions, trying to figure out what exactly she wanted me to tell her. How was I supposed to tell her of which colour my mood was at the moment? Yeah, this is what her questions were like!

The worst thing was the feeling that these mind games seemed to lead me nowhere. I didn't gain control over the disturbing images, instead they seemed to gain control over me, robbing me of my much – needed sleep as well as my peace of mind. My promise forced me to keep trying, but it has become increasingly difficult not to lose patience with Gudrun. All I had ever wanted was to stifle the terrifying images, not to edge them on!

Gudrun, however, was not much of a help. She allowed me to tell her about my visions, but refused to explain properly what they meant, saying that I needed to figure out their meaning on my own. She didn't even track my progress. Every once in a while, I discovered that I hated her and wished I had never met her, and this thought made me flinch.

**W**ell, right now I needed her to listen, if anything. With shaky legs I rose from my fur-covered blankets and bumbled towards the exit. Runa's finger touched my shoulder reassuringly, and I was thankful for her unobstrusive way of comforting me. Which reminded me of how ungraciously I had ended her slumber. I turned aound and looked her into the eyes.

"I am really sorry that I woke you up again and still keep you from your well-deserved sleep. I never wanted to be a burden to you, but I was exactly that from the beginning and I have not stopped being since." She nodded acknowledgement that she had heard me, but remained silent and proceeded to walk me to the door. I added: "You don't need to accompany me, just go back to bed. I'll be fine." A shake of head was her only response. It was only halfway to Gudrun's hut that she directed her words at me.

"You're not a burden. You intend to help our king, and thus you are helping us. I know that these visions are scary; my mother has been going through this ordeal when I was a cub, and I know well what you have to endure. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, you should be proud." Touched and slightly calmed by what she said, I could only give her a short nod of thanks before she shoved me into the entrance of the Senior Leader's hut.

* * *

**A**s usual, Gudrun had taken her place opposite the door flap, and as usual, she sat hunched down, wearing an unreadable countenance and fixing her eyes on mine. I had long since stopped actually fearing her, but felt a shudder run down my neck nontheless. It WAS a creepy situation after all, what with Gudrun's murky hut, the surrounding night with all its funny noises and my recent nightmare. This is how I justified my behaviour before entering the well-known routine of my frequent visits.

I bowed, kneeled down and without introduction started to relate what I had dreamt of. Memories flooded my head, making me relive the whole scene and – if this were possible – turning it into something worse. The real wold faded, the chinks of swords clashing together became frighteningly loud and real. My head began to ache as it was exposed to a foreign feeling pressure, and I pressed the palms of my hands to my temples. A sense of foreboding began forming in my consciousness, and I heard myself groan ...

Someone touched my chin and the dizziness ceased at once. My eyes snapped open, focussing on Gudrun who sat in front of me, visibly unfazed. She remained silent, but this time, I didn't need her to tell me what everything was about. I didn't ramble, I didn't guess; I just knew.

"It's real, isn't it? I mean this really happens ... or happened. Am I right?" Slowly and somberly, she nodded. "You told me I would recognize the real thing, and I just did. How?" Before she could answer, the realization hit me with the force of a bullet and I jumped up, hitting my head on the low ceiling. The impact would be sure to give me a huge lump, but that was secondary now. "I need to get to him. I have to save him!" A knowing look met my eyes, a flash of realization numbed me and with an audibly subdued voice I added: "... if that's still possible ..."

**S**obbing and panic-ridden, I reached the gathering place again. I had rushed out of Gudrun's hut without so much as a 'goodbye', desperate to do something, ANYTHING, so save the love of my life. In my anxiety to act I clearly forgot to think first. Heck, I didn't even now where to turn. I was a day's ride away from Fanelia, in a hidden settlement right in the middle of nowhere, and the way home was as unknown as the means of transportation. In spite of that, I whizzed about and decided to follow the path to the river.

In long leaps I rushed downhill, ignoring even the fact that after months of healing I was recovered to an extent that allowed me to actually run for a long distance. I was so disconcerted that I missed the roots of the huge oak tree beside the trail, stumbled and dived smack to the hard ground. A sharp pain shot through my ankle, effectively keeping me from getting up and walking, let alone running. The way to Van was blocked most effectively. I messed it up again. Van was going to die because of my carelessness. I hung my head low, buried my face in my arms and let loose.

.

..

...

**O**nce more, Runa found me, sitting in the middle of the forest and bawling like the world had come to an end (which at that time was not too far-fetched, as mine supposedly had). In her very own, effective manner she picked me up, carried me back to the village, took care of my sprained ankle and wiped off my face. But is was what she did then that earned her my eternal gratitude: Without even fussing once, she also borrowed a couple of riding-beasts, asked for volunteers to accompany me, provided them with snacks and water and ordered them to take me back to Fanelia, without expecting more than a simple 'thank you'. With a swipe of her hand she silenced my stammered words of thanks.

"You'd better not hesitate, sister. Leave your words for later and ride on as quickly as you can manage. If my humble preparations contribute to the safety of my king, it will be I who feels grateful. Now hush, and may the friendly powers of Gaia watch your path. I wish you a swift and fast journey." With that, she turned around and left. My companions started urging their beasts on, and all that was left for me was follow them.

**W**e rode quickly, and aside from the fact that I constantly fretted about the fact that the beasts couldn't fly, nothing extraordinary happened. My travel companions set a swift, but not hurried pace, and we didn't talk much, because our common anxienty concerning Van forbade us any attempt of idle and shallow conversation. We reached the outskirts of Fanelia only five hours from our departure, which, according to my companions, was an all-time record.

End of worries? Nah! The next problem offered itself in the form of two obstinate guards who point-blank refused to let us in. They told us that we needed a permission signed by a member of the Royal Council to be allowed to either leave or enter town. We had none to offer, of course, and the heavy doors remained closed. My gut-feeling that something was definitely wrong increased, since access to Fanelia City had always been open in the past, and I only needed a few minutes to throw a fully-fledged fit. My one and only love and king was dying or in mortal danger, and here were some pig-headed dim-wits who denied me access to him!

I can't remember how many obscenities I had already shrieked in their direction, but it was obvious that the sentries were neither willing nor able to listen to me much longer, and the whole situation had begun to be ticklish. Just when they advanced on me, swords drawn and handcuffs at the ready, in order to sort out the problem with the renitent madwoman that was me, a light tenor called them back.

"**L**et her in!", he demanded. Immediately, both guards snapped into attention and retreated. I looked up to catch a glance at my saviour, utterly relieved. This could have turned nasty, and I was not sure whether I could have been able to save Van while I was imprisoned.

A tall figure was standing on the roof of the guardhouse, hair billowing in the breeze, surrounding him like a cloak, and I recognized him immediately. Five years ago, when I'd met him for the first time, I had imagined him to be the winged boy from my dreams (who later turned out to be Van). He'd been my shining star, my knight in armour, my short-time lover until I'd realized that I had fallen for the wrong one.

Allen Shezar.

He dashed down the stairs and ran towards me, and my insides churned at his sight. His presence was a bad sign. To be sure, I was glad to see him again. Actually, I was so glad that I even hugged him when he had reached me. But ... his place was not here in Fanelia.

I could remember very well that Allen, after the Great War had ended, had returned to Astoria in order to take up his duties as First Knight under King Dryden. There was no reason for him to be here, except that something out of order had happened. By the way the guards obeyed him, I could tell that he was not just visiting for a cup of tea. Even Allen's usual stoic countenance seemed to betray him this time. What had happened and where was the guards' true supreme leader?

"Hitomi, it's so good to see you again. When did you ..." he commenced, but I was not in the mood for small talk and interrupted him right away. "Allen, what has happened? Why all these guards? How is Van?" The questions tumbled out of my mouth, and his expression grew worried. "You have to be courageous, Hitomi, something outrageous has been happening. I don't know where to begin, though, I'm still ..."

A surge of anger and inpatience rushed through my system. Allen always wants to be the center of the attention, and is permanently talking about himself. "Spill," I spat, not willing to allow myself to be diverted. His face contorted for a moment into a slightly hurt expression.

"There has been an assault. It seems that a group of assassins had attempted to overthrow Van's regime. I'm afraid to say that Van ... Hitomi?! Hitomi!!" He rushed to my side in a flurry of ornate robes and golden hair and grabbed my arm, before I could sink to the floor. "Tell me," I whispered, "Van ... is he ... is he ...?" "They did not succeed, Hitomi," he assuerd me, "he is alive." Hesitantly he added "if only just." A deep sigh escaped my lips. He was alive. I could still save him. Relief flooded my mind, and I rasped: "Take me to him, Allen. I need to see his face."

.

..

...

**V**an's face was contorted in agony. Muscles in his jaw were twitching and drops of sweat had collected on his forehead and upper lip. He looked pale and haggard. It was a heart-wrenching sight.

As Allen had explained on the way, my vision had been correct. The assassin had been Vice-General and second-in-command. Ambitious and an excellent fighter, he had succeeded in gaining Van's trust and had been chosen as one of His Majesty's exercise partners. Last night, he appeared to have poisoned Van's water bottle and had finally tried to finish him off.

However, the supposed final blow had only hit its victim's shoulder. Although paralysed by poison and grievously wounded, Van had managed to duck the strike and had impaled the traitor on his own sword. The commotion on the roof had then alerted the night guards, and Van had been rescued just in time.

He had lost a great quantity of blood; that plus the effect of the recent poisoning made him extremely weak. His physician had mended the wound and given him an antidote, but other than that, there was nothing he could do. In order to survive, Van had to rely on his own strength. He was now comatose, and the medecin hoped that he found enough energy to fight the poison.

**W**ith some difficulty, Allen had obtained a special permission for me to be granted unhindered access to the Royal Chamber. I was sitting at Van's bed throughout the day and the following night, dabbing his forehead with a damp towel, changing his clothes when they were soaked with sweat and holding his hand. I concentrated on giving him strength and mentally tried to encourage him as much as possible. I even talked to him, told him how much I had learned from the wolf-people and how much I wanted to show him my new powers, if only he survived.

Days passed into night and into day again. I didn't keep track of date, and only left Van's side to eat something. Yone was so kind as to have a warm meal delivered to me twice a day. I even slept in his room, curled up in a cair by the side of the bed. It was fairly uncomfortable, and every morning I woke with cramped muscles, but I wouldn't leave Van at all.

It was then that my past came back to haunt me, as I watched my love fight for his life.

I felt like he must have felt after my return to Gaia: Helpless. Furious at those who had caused this situation. Numbed with grief. What a valuable lesson life was teaching me by putting Van's life at stake! Why did HE have to suffer for a wrong that I had committed? It was downright unfair. Each day I swore, prayed to all the Gods that I knew for release and repeated my oath for at least a thousand times.

**O**n the fourth day I had fallen asleep at the side of his bed. True, I didn't do much physical work, but the process of worrying over someone so much is a draining process in itself. I had been brooding for hours, and my head had finally slumped down on his bed as I fell into a light and restless slumber. I woke from the tingling feeling that I had every time someone watched me. Wearily I lifted my head and turned towards the source of the disturbance.

.

..

...

Ruby eyes locked with mine.

After a few seconds, I began to tremble with relief.

"Van," I breathed. Apparently he was still too weak to be able to talk, but he gave me the tiniest of nods and closed his eyes again. He was safe, and hopefully would do a full recovery. He had beaten death.

I was left speechless. The only thing I could do was take his hand, kiss his palm and cry, but I am sure he understood.

.

..

...

....

**W**ith a huff, I put down the heavy silver tray loaded with food and water and rapped gently on the double-winged door which was adorned with a huge coat of arms. Van's – still feeble – voice invited me in, and I picked up his lunch, pushed the doors open with my shoulder and entered the chamber. He was sitting on his vast bed, his chest was propped up by pillows and he was surrounded by a litter of papers, charts and maps. I frowned, but since the tray in my hands prevented me from resuming a more threatening pose, my gesture was none too impressive. The silverware on the tray chinked as I put it down onto a bedside table.

"Another URGENT mission? Mayhem in the diplomatic sector? Duke Chid kidnapped by eeeevil forces? Or were you just bored to tears and decided that you'd rather face my wrath than stay in bed obediently, like your physician had told you to?" My voice was dripping with sarcasm while I kept glowering at my loved one, who returned my reprimand with a dirty look of his own. Even when he was at his worst, his frown was still way more impressive than mine!

"I do have a country to rule, mind. I have to prove to my people that I am still alive." "Fine," I spat, and he winced, "Go ahead. A full measure of overwork is supposed to do wonders for your recovery, I'm sure! Go and get a relapse, but remember that this is a poor way to repay me for my devoted care. If you want to kill yourself like that, then you're no better than I ... oh!" Suddenly the floor became very interesting indeed. I blushed furiously. Where had this come from? Was I out of my senses, to tell off Van like that, when I had been much worse recently? I was so preoccupied with my shock that I missed his pained grimace. Seconds passed in silence.

"You're probably right, " he finally admitted with subdued voice. "I am none better than you ... and maybe I'm even worse." I inhaled to respond to this remark, but before I could even utter a word, he spoke again. "You look good, Hitomi. Rested." I raised my head in surprise. He looked at me with a serious expression, taking in my tanned skin, my already trim form and healthy complexion. I felt too flattered to be embarassed, and suddenly I realized that this was the first time ever that Van really saw ME, Kanzaki Hitomi, after my return to Gaia.

"You have grown strong. Your stay with Ruhm's family has been to your advantage." Now I had to blush nontheless. "Yes," I whispered, "that is true. It has taken some time for me to realize that you only wanted what was good for me. I'm sorry for yelling at you when you said goodbye. It's just that I feared that you wanted to get rid of me." Slowly he shook his head, his eyes never leaving mine. I drew a deep breath. Now was maybe the time to ask a favour of him.

"**V**an, I need to know whether you plan to send me away again." His eybrow arched up questioningly. "If so, I want to ask you not to do that. Please let me be near you. Please, Van." A sceptical frown was the only answer. „Hitomi, as you have seen, it is very dangerous. The assassins are reckless, you have seen that they are taking high risks on order to reach their goals. They won't hesitate to kill women and children. You're not safe here."

"I know I'm not." I replied curtly. "And as I've seen, you're not safe as well. If you can take the risk, so will I." He was on the point of refusing, and I didn't leave him the time to speak. "I have to tell you something. I saw what has been happening to you in a vision I had when it happened. Gudrun had taught me how to control my mental powers, and I can now tell whether the visions I have are real. I saw the assault on you. Why do you think I came back?"

Van stared at me, mouth opened in shock. "You saw what happened? But ..." I merely nodded. "I did. When the assassin struck at you, I screamed and woke up. Van, if something like that happened again, I want to be near you, and maybe I can prevent it or give you a warning. I need to be close, because Fanelia can't risk losing you. And ..." I added quietly, "so can't I."

The long silence after my revelation stretched to an eternity. It was long before Van finally spoke again with a strangely hushed tone. "Hitomi ... you did say that you screamed, didn't you?" I nodded, and he continued, "As the Vice-General attacked me, it appeared that he was distracted by something. He seemed to hear something unusual, and that is why he missed me." I gasped.

"So you think it was my yell that he had heard? That it was I who distracted him?" He scrutinized me with a piercing glance. "Yes. That is what I think. If so, it was you who had saved my life." He closed his eyes for a while. As he looked at me again, a soft, nearly awed expression was spread over his handsome features. "You always had extraordinary powers, but this surmounts everything that I had ever thought possible. You're a miracle, Hitomi." I felt my face flushing again.

"I am not. I am nothing special, but if my powers saved you, this is all the more reason to stay with you, so that I might do it again." I added with a pleading look, "Please Van, let me live here in Fanelia. Just give me a simple task and a small room; I don't need much. Let me take care of your wounds and heal you. I'm just happy when I am close to you. I promise that I won't be any nuisance, and I certainly won't give you any reason to worry again. Van?" His closed expression did not seem to be a good sign.

"You will never give me a reason ... to worry ..." he murmured and lowered his face. "Yes, "I hurried to assure him. "Look, I'm sorry for what I have done in the past. I had a really hard time back on Earth, but you have taught me not to give up on me, and I promise that it will never happen again. But I can't make up to you if you don't let me ... Sorry, what did you just say?"

**H**e seemed lost in thoughts. A new idea appeared to have crossed his mind, and he had moved his lips. Now he did it again, and a barely perceptible remark reached my ears.

"I never tried ..." His voice was nearly inaudible, but made me jump all the same. "Huh?!" "I never tried to reach you. Not even once. If I did, I might have found out you were unhappy. I could have helped you ...But I didn't ..." His voice grew shaky. "Does that mean that I am guilty of causing your suicide attempt, too? I didn't come to help you, I left you alone, so I guess I am."

I was beyond shocked about the unexpected turn this conversation was taking. The last thing I wanted was making Van reproach himself, so I hurried to take him off his guilt trip. "Without you, I would never have survived. You saved me more than once. What's more, the thought of you kept me sane as my whole life was crumbling down on Earth. If anything, you have prevented me from trying to kill myself earlier. Please don't torture me by saying these things, Van! I acted wrongly, and I have to ask you to forgive me."

"And so do I ..." Looking up, I met burning eyes. Very clearly and pointed he said: "It is I who has to make amends to you. I don't have the right to judge you, since I am as guilty as you. Forgive me, Hitomi ... for leaving you alone." I smiled with tears in my eyes. "But, Van, only if you forgive me as well for my cowardice and insincerity." He nodded. We looked into each other's eyes, and the awkwardness of the situation struck us both. I had the rare chance to see Van blushing heavily and snickered.

"**R**ight, after we have heartily forgiven each other, let's continue with our agenda. Will you let me stay with you? And don't give me that 'it's-not-safe-for-you' – crap. You have long ago promised to stop being over-protective, and I hold you to that." He snorted, which was not a good idea, as his still healing gashes made laughing a painful experience. Grimacing, he muttered "Yes, I remember that particular incident. That was after you suddenly appeared in Dornkirk's machine, and when you ... ah!" The reminiscence flushed his face again, and I smiled and mentally completed his sentence. That had been when I had told him for the first time that I loved him.

Granted, it had been a very hurried and unromantic declaration. But my feelings had not faded since. We were both silent now, lost in memories. I took one of his hands that lay limply on the comforter, and gently sqeezed it. He didn't look up, but his lips curled into a tiny smile. "Be patient with me, Hitomi," he sighed, and I pressed it again in response. I didn't let go, even as his chin sunk to his chest and his eyes closed from fatigue. Within minutes, he was asleep.

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

_and now for something completely different (i don't own monty python ...), and as always, in the order of appearance (my, they seem to multiply ... help !!!):_

_**akai chou:** van naked ... hmmm ... isn't it a pity that serious people with a serious job and a serious life start lusting after cartoon characters? well, i'm not ashamed to admit that i do. and please don't say those things about your stories. you as the author should be proud of the result of your work. if nobody reviews, it doesn't necessarily mean that nobody has read it (i personally don't leave reviews for every story and every chapter that i read, only for those which i have something to say about ...). anyway, a fellow author has once taught me that your story is just YOUR STORY, and you write it for yourself and for your own pleasure. what all the others think about it may be flattering or painful, but what matters most is what you think about it. always be proud of what you have achieved ..._

_**Serenity's Angel In Heaven:** there you are ... allen shezar is 'in' now. i'm not much of an allen fan, but there you go. he has, at some point, a rather important role, so i made him part of the plot. usually i don't like introducing too many side characters, as it distracts from the main plot. i don't even give some side characters names, only if that is necessary for better understanding and fluent reading. as for the 'R' - rated parts, that may be an option. i'm a bit hesitant, though, because seems to follow a rather strict policy against too much sex. some stories – among them one of my all-time favourites – have been removed without notice due to rating matters. that's why my more ... daring ... stories have all been uploaded on in short: i haven't decided yet how descriptive i am going to be. i'll tell you later when i will have reached the respective chapters, right?_

_**Inda:** i reckon you might like this chapter ... there is definitely some progress, don't you think? funny how sometimes stories develop a life of their own, beyond the author's control. so let's see how they continue; i hope they allow me to keep track of their relationship ... ehehe ... well, i already told you that sometimes i need someone to remind me of my duties as an author. sometimes i get lazy ... and sometimes there is a lot of work in my 'real' life. so keep nagging, for heaven's sake. thanks for the compliment, i feel really flattered!_

_**lil-saturn-goddess:** yeah, whatever ... i did promise the second half, didn't i? here it is ... enjoy!_

_**WinterRose191:** oooohhhh ... i feel honoured by such an amount of praise. i promise that i will do my best to ensure that this story will stay on a decent level. it has been my primary intent to make my readers literally suffer with my heroes. i find that this is what makes reading so enjoyable, as you can be someone else, see through someone elses's eyes and watch someone else's adventures without actually stirring from your sofa. that is why i chose the first person perspective. also, i prefer slowly – paced stories with a visible and tangible development of the main character, and i try to apply these rules to my stories. my approach is fairly simple: only write what you think you would like to read, and i am glad to hear that it worked!_

_**Hearts of Eternity:** thank you so much! it embarassed me a bit to receive such flattering reviews, since this story is my first ever attempt at a continuation. i didn't expect to be able to keep the plot going for such a long time, and to keep the tension no less. i am glad that my readers are telling me that they actually want to read more ... anyway, i will continue and hope that you all enjoy the rest as well!_

_**Aja:** well, well, well ... that's the question, isn't it? read on and see ! concerning the update rate ... that is submitted to lots of changes. i can't promise i'll always be that quick! bear with me ..._

_until next chapter! cheers, akari _


	6. Scarlet

_hi! i proudly present chapter six in the newly revised, updated and flawless version._

_no small amount of thanks is due to Mary, my new beta, who- among other editing skills - has a steady hand in finding and unravelling my infamous monster sentences. _

_i also am indebted to -Ry whose knowledge on punctuation, paragraphing in dialogue and the use of the different tenses never ceases to amaze me. _

_cheers to Leia Avenrose who has the uncanny ability to butter me up nicely with her comments on my chapters. _

_thank you, all of you! thanks to your suggestions, this chapters has become better than i would have bargained for ;-). hoo boy, i only needed to complain about not having a beta anymore, and now i'm having three at my hands and disposal. triple-wow!_

_**i don't own any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. runa and gudrun, however, are mine, as well as the plot, so please no plagiarism. if you find any mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.**_

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

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**Colours**

Chapter 6

**Scarlet**

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**B**efore me, the soft feet of a nurse padded over the polished floor, as I trailed after her and looked around curiously. The last time I had stayed in the hospital wing of the castle, I had been unconscious and thus unable to take in my surroundings. Now I was alert, trying to get a notion about how advanced medical methods were here in Fanelia.

From the looks of it, Gaian medical practices were, in some points, very different from what I knew. Of course there were the well-known methods of surgery, chemical and herbal remedies as well as physical resources to aid the sick. But as I had already learned from first-hand experience, local healers also applied _mental_ remedies on an equal level. The medical profession seemed to follow a strictly double-tracked philosophy which considered body and mind to be an inseparable entity.

By closely watching Van's physicians working on him, I had discovered that, on Gaia, psychological tricks and mental exercises were an essential part of medical studies as well as treatment, and this was the exact reason why I was now following the young woman. I was training to become a healer.

**O**ne could get the impression, though, that I was just desperately trying to occupy myself out of pure boredom, or, as Millerna had done, out of spite. Yet, ever since high school I'd been showing a strong inclination towards the medical sector. Track practice and the example of my mother, who works as a nurse, had given me a thorough understanding of primary body functions, and my perceptiveness had always been considered a plus for medical professions by my high school career advisors.

During my last years on Earth, filled with a packload of difficult situations, I had submitted to some bitter but valuable practical experience. They ranged from sobering out a totally pissed 'stepfather' numerous times over nursing minor, later heavy bruises on my mother's body to taking care of my grandmother throughout her ordeal of fighting against cancer for two years.

Ever since I came back to Gaia, I had neither time nor leisure to decide about a future career, of course. But as soon as Van's doctors had caught wind of my extraordinary mental powers, they jumped to the conclusion that I had to be an experienced healer, and asked me to help them with some of their patients. The misunderstanding had been discovered quickly, but its presumption had procured the wish of choosing a profession in order to be able to support myself on Gaia.

Seeing as how Van was getting better every day and I stopped thinking it necessary to stay with him for every moment, I had decided to take up my medical studies. Right now I was on my way to see one of the patients whose care I had been entrusted with. The young nurse stepped aside with a polite smile and I gave her a grateful nod, knocked on the door, and entered.

**A** young boy lay on the bed. He was deeply unconscious, and my task was to find out what ailed him. Some days ago, a fire had broken out unexpectedly in the storage area of the palace, and he had been found near the centre of the flames with terrible burns.

Further investigations had given evidence that the fire was started artificially. The palace guard suspected another political assault, and the boy was supposed to be able to offer testimony on who might have started the fire. Since he belonged to the chamberlains he'd had no reason to be near the storage rooms, and as he was unconscious, questioning him was impossible. The burns had been treated expertly, and by now the boy should have woken up. The fact that he had not, required a mental examination which I was supposed to apply.

I knelt near the bed, took his hand and concentrated. Gudrun's exercises helped my mind to focus on his life energy, and I smiled. I had to give her credit for teaching me everything necessary to activate my powers. Once again, I had underestimated somebody; I had underestimated the old wolf-woman. Instead, I'd hated her and protested against her seemingly pointless exercises which now might be able to save this child's life. What a fool I had been!

**C**losing my eyes, I finally found what I was looking for. A slowly pulsating thread of the boy's life energy caught my attention. I waited for some moments, unwilling to let it slip out of my mental grip and allowed it to imprint itself in my mind. Then I began to carefully trace the thread back to its origin, back to the centre of the kid's soul. As soon as I had reached it, I felt that there was only a faint glow left of what should be a pulsating, bright and warm ball of energy.

The boy had lost his will to live. The lack of courage directly affected his ability to heal himself.

He was dying.

I loosened my grip on his soul and pulled away. With a deep breath I emerged from my trance-like state and leant back. Mental exercises are draining, and I needed a few minutes to recover, both physically and mentally. Then I began to reflect on the diagnosis I had made.

Something must have happened to affect this boy's determination to live. It might have been the shock of finding himself surrounded by flames, but usually a precarious situation such as this sets free extraordinary powers in the human beings involved, causing them to cling to their life even more. The problem had to be found somewhere else.

**O**nce again I resorted to one of Gudrun's techniques. Whenever visions became confusing and hard to interpret, she had ordered me to look for cracks or illogical developments.

_The chamberlain. He's been found far away from the place he had been assigned to._

_Why did he go there? He had worn his usual attire, though, meaning that he had merely sneaked off from his assignment and had planned to return to his duty soon._

_Nobody of the staff had ordered him to go to the storage rooms, so he must have gone there on his own volition, and by order of someone from outside the palace staff, too. By order of someone who must have been important enough to make a twelve-year-old boy deliberately leave his duty._

_A twelve-year-old, who obviously was too young to have a girlfriend, but not too young to have family, relations or close friends._

_A twelve-year-old who was not too young to consent to meeting someone in exactly the same place and at exactly the same time as the fire had broken out…_

The pieces slipped into place. I drew another deep breath, stood up and left the room in search of one of the guards and the young nurse. I found both and instructed them to have somebody investigate the boy's surroundings. I explained that the child must have suffered from a bitter disappointment caused by someone who had been close to him. I added that this person had most likely tried to lure the kid into the flames, and that closer examination might allow us to discover this person as the one who had started the fire as well.

The sentry nodded and I asked the nurse to inform one of the healers. I would have tried to heal the boy myself by influencing his life energy, but this required the full experience and mental power of an accomplished healer, which I was not. If done wrongly, such a measure was likely to hazard the patient's life by disturbing the delicate order of his soul. Right now, I was not yet ready to bear the responsibility of my patient's life, so I merely passed him on and excused myself.

**W**ith a relived smile I passed the door that led me out of the hospital wing. The hard-earned ability to track people's life energy had been a very recent addition to the catalogue of my powers, and I was immensely proud of my progress. I trotted down the stairs and decided to visit Van, as I figured he might be glad to hear about my newest success.

Life at the palace had improved remarkably for me. Van was much better and had been allowed to get up at times to take over an increasing number of his duties. Within the next days, Meruru would be expected to arrive; the news that her beloved Van had been injured grievously had caused her to immediately interrupt her apprenticeship as a midwife she had taken over in Asturia and to rush to his side.

However, the one thing that was most important of all was that Van and I got along much better than before. He had visibly relaxed during the last days and smiled a lot in my presence. He still appeared to be withdrawn and somber at times, though, as if something important was on his mind. I blamed it on his grave nature and didn't ask questions. I was sure that someday he'd open up to me, no doubt about that…

A tingling feeling spread in my stomach as I thought of him. I was absolutely not able to restrain my feelings for him; every time I was near him I was overcome with giddiness like a schoolgirl. In a few minutes I was going to see him!

**I**n a rush of elation I skipped the last stairs and jumped to the landing in a wide bound --

only to nearly overrun Yone who had just been coming around the corner with an armful of freshly laundered sheets. In the last possible moment I threw myself out of her way and landed on the floor in a very undignified heap. She looked down at me in reproachful surprise, and I knew she was inwardly criticizing my 'unladylike' behaviour. I blushed.

"I'm sorry, Yone," I blurted out. "I know I shouldn't have jumped, even though I was happy about something."

Her strict face loosened up a bit, and I knew she had already forgiven me. She always did, and in the last weeks no less; apparently she had developed a soft spot for me. This time, however, she didn't smile as usual. She looked worried, to say the least.

"Yone," I piped up, "what is it?"

As she didn't answer directly, I added "And what are these sheets for? I didn't know we were expecting visitors. There must be a large group coming, though. Who is it?"

For once, her usual composure vanished and her countenance contorted to a highly embarrassed grimace.

"A diplomatic delegation has arrived this instant, Mylady. Her Royal Highness Princess Stiliani of Derval has decided to pay a visit," she murmured. I thought I had heard wrong and protested.

"But Yone, Van isn't up for an official meeting. Someone must have told them. They could have postponed the visit, so why can't they just leave? This is rude…"

Yone lowered her head, so that I couldn't see her face, and remained defiant. She seemed upset. Something had to be wrong, twisted. My gut feeling flared up with vigour.

"Yone?" I asked with a rapidly growing feeling of unease. "Something is wrong, isn't it? And you don't want to talk about it. Would it help if I asked Van? I'm on my way to see him and I could easily…"

Yone shook her head.

"I strongly advise you not to attend to His Majesty right now. Her Royal Highness Princess Stiliani is with him at the moment. The visit is a primarily… personal affair concerning him and his visitor. She…" She hesitated once again, and I waited tensely. At last she went on.

"She has come to pay her fiancé a visit. Lord Van has been engaged to the Princess of Derval for several months."

…

….

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…

**V**an was engaged.

He was promised to Princess Stiliani of Derval, and I…

I had fallen into a bottomless pit.

The rest of what Yone had tried to tell me was swallowed by a wave of nausea. I sank to the floor, shaking my head disbelievingly, begging her with my eyes to tell me that this was just a bad dream. She slowly shook her head; pity and regret reflecting in her eyes.

She gently grabbed my upper arm and assisted me to get up, then handed the stack of sheets to a maid who came along and escorted me to my room.

I was still numb with shock. Unable to ask any questions, I slumped down on the bed. I was too shocked to even cry.

Again, Yone talked to me with a quiet, calm voice. She explained that the Royal Council had deemed the unstable political situation to be a threat to the monarchy. They had therefore voted for a political union with the state of Derval, which has been a close ally to Fanelia for centuries, and which commanded a strong and large military. Considering the unanimous vote of the members of the Council, it had been out of Van's power to oppose to the vote, which is why he finally had submitted to the Council's conclusion.

At this point I had started sobbing and Yone kindly left me alone. For hours after her revelation, I did nothing other than crying.

**I**t wasn't the fact that Van had been forced to enter a political marriage that devastated me, although in my opinion, the method of advancing political alliances by means of marriage was absurdly obsolete and misanthropic. It was still in use on Gaia, and since I had decided to stay I'd have to submit to the valid social habits as well as Van did.

It was not the fact that Van had willingly submitted to the marriage that pained me, although my mind reeled at the thought that he had deliberately chosen someone else at a time in which I had already returned to him. He had never told me explicitly that he loved me, and he had certainly never promised to marry me, and had thus neither broken my trust nor a promise.

He had only broken my heart, and he'd had excellent reasons for it. The welfare of his country, of all the people who depended on his decisions, had forced him to act the way he did. For Fanelia's sake, he had been forced to comply. His decision had certainly cost him a lot of courage, and for that, I was proud of him.

It wasn't the fact that he had not told me of the engagement before either that crushed me, although I mourned the lack of openness that his silence revealed. Then again, it was his nature to be reserved. I remembered that he had tried to tell me something several times, but had stopped and digressed. I had to give him credit that it would have been a difficult and painful task to relate the engagement to me, a task that he must have wished to avoid, and I had to be grateful for every additional day in which I had been allowed to bask in anticipation of his supposed attachment to me.

No, the fact that made me cry was the prospect of having to keep my promise by all means. I had to stay by his side faithfully and watch the love of my life marry another woman. This was the task I despaired at. This was the prospect that I dreaded. Whether he would be happy with Stiliani or whether their marriage would be a misalliance, either way I would be reduced to a mere spectator, unable to interfere and share his joy or his sorrow.

**I** cried until all of my tears were spent, and even more. Dry, ragged sobs still shook my aching body as a light touch on my shoulder made me whip around. The mad hope that it might be Van shattered as my eyes fell on Yone's wrinkled, concerned face. Obviously I had missed her knock at the door.

"Mylady," she said gently, "tonight, a formal dinner will take place in honour of the visit of the diplomatic delegation of Derval. You are supposed to attend."

Terrified, I closed my eyes. However miserable my situation already was, there was still a possibility of it getting worse. Yone continued with an apologetic smile.

"However, if you were ill, I would be able to make your excuses…"

I pondered for a moment. The prospect of being able to avoid the whole scene, of missing a dinner which had been arranged solely for the honour of the woman who had destroyed my every happy prospect of life by having been designated as Van's future wife, was tempting. I decided against it, though. I could not run away forever. One day I would have to face her anyway, and it might be best to get it over with quickly.

Plus, I needed to know what kind of person she was. If she were pretty and amiable, the lot might be easier to bear, as Van would have a chance of being happy with her. No matter how disagreeable the idea was that Van could be happy with someone else, it was still better than knowing that he, too, would be doomed to a life of misery.

So I signalled Yone that I would be attending and set to work on removing all traces of my recent distress. With a new dress, cold water and liberal amounts of loose powder, I managed to conceal my splotched and puffy features, and as to the bloodshot eyes – well, I didn't plan on getting too close to Van, so hopefully he wouldn't notice. He would have a fiancée to occupy his attention, after all.

**W**ith a defiant laugh I stepped out of the door at the appointed time and was escorted to the dinner room. The table was laid out magnificently, but somehow the decorations didn't strike me as extraordinarily as usual.

A lot of people were already present; I spotted some of the faces I had already seen half a year ago when I had been to the ball on which I had tried to talk to Van. Another bitter laugh escaped my lips. It looked like I should have paid more attention to the diplomatic delegation that had been visiting then; it had obviously been from Derval as well. Maybe it had been the visit which had settled the agreement between the two Royal houses involved in the matter.

In the far corner, Allen Schezar was surrounded, as usual, by a flock of chattering young women. Although Millerna's marriage to Dryden and my rejection of his proposal had delivered a heavy blow to his self-confidence, he seemed to have gotten over the disappointment unfazed. Everybody seemed to be capable of living without me. I was the only one who didn't appear to be able to move on.

**M**y musings were interrupted by the stage-on of said Allen. He sashayed to my side, bowed graciously, kissed my hand and twinkled at me with his amazing baby-blue eyes. I had fallen for those eyes once, but it had been a long time ago. By now, he was not essential for my happiness anymore, and right now I was absolutely not in the mood for his gallant chivalry and blonde tresses. My heart yearned for a straightforward, honest man with dark hair.

However, conversing with Allen would maybe distract me from the tension, which the near appearance of the king and his future mistress put me into. He might also know something about the Princess, so I turned to him and started to inquire.

"Princess Stiliani of Derval, do you know her?"

His eyes immediately drooped, and pity and commiseration scrunched up his face in an almost comical expression. I would have laughed at his theatrical and solemn way, but I had lost my ability to laugh hours ago.

"Hitomi," he began, "I can't express what I felt for you when I heard about…"

I interrupted him once more.

"I don't need sympathy, Allen," I said sharply, "I need information. Who is she, and more important, how is she?" The look of utter confusion and hurt on his countenance placated me a bit, and I added, "Does Van have a realistic chance of being happy with her?" His answer came a bit hesitantly.

"From what I have heard," he murmured, "she is renowned for her extraordinary beauty." Then he added, "She is supposed to be accomplished, too. She paints, designs her own clothes and has studied History of Arts, Philosophy and Literature. Before her…" he gulped, "before her… engagement she was considered a very desirable match."

Yes, fate definitely had it in for me. I had to step back in line and relinquish my beloved for a girl who had been raised to be the perfect wife. Pretty, stylish, educated in typical female abilities and accomplished in useless, but oh-so-fashionable subjects which might serve as brilliant topics in small talk. She most probably was polite, conversable and obedient. Gods, how I hated these girls!

I bet she had the personality of a… oh, maybe a jellyfish? Which means: no character at all, no edges, no depth and no resistance. For Van, this might be good luck, because everybody knew that men preferred 'easy' women who never objected to anything. Everybody knew that the perfect wife made the house homey, retrieved her hubby's slippers, carried male offspring and otherwise submitted to her master's every whim.

Fury rose in my stomach. This shallow, empty-headed beauty was supposed to be preferred over ME!

**I** was just about to stomp my feet when a flourish announced the King's arrival. Anger drained away and left only exhaustion. With an empty mind I watched Van enter the room, surrounded by his guards, a group of servants and a young woman in a bright red dress. This had to be her. Princess Stiliani of Derval.

During the whole formal dinner I watched her closely, with Allen's words in my mind. She showed perfect table manners, talked little and ate even less. Great! To top it all off, she didn't even seem to have the need to worry about her weight...

I was also unable to miss that when she smiled, she sported pretty teeth, seemed moderate and friendly. When she spoke I heard a lilting voice, she bowed respectfully in front of high court officials and didn't strive to share Van's limelight like other women might have done who went for famous husbands.

And she was pretty. Man, was she pretty! Sparkling dark blue eyes, even features, a torrent of glossy, mahogany hair tumbling down her back, a slender but curvy figure and a youthful, energetic nature added to an epitome of perfection. If I had met her under different circumstances, I would most probably have admired, maybe even liked her.

Van didn't seem to mind her presence. I saw them talk, and he gave a tiny smile at something she said. He looked as regal and splendid as ever with his festive attire, and it was hard to overlook that the Princess admired him. Her eyes sparkled every time she looked at him, and she looked at him quite often. A showy rock, approximately five carat, glittered at her left hand.

**S**uddenly I felt wasted. I left the place by Allen's side and turned away from the happy couple, looking for a way out of the room. There was a door, half-concealed by heavy curtains, and I eagerly slipped through it. A small balcony stretched beyond my view, and the night air cooled my heated face. For a moment I thought of crying, but I felt too weak and disappointed to do so.

I had hoped that Van loved me as well. Several hints he had given me in the last weeks had pointed in that direction, or at least this was how I had interpreted them. It was hard to convince myself that I had been imagining things.

Thoughts chased in my head until it ached.

I had since long lost track of time when I felt someone watching me. I turned around. It was Van. A few minutes passed in silence. I knew that I should have wished him joy, but I was afraid to lose control when I opened my mouth. In the end it was him who talked first.

"**I** have hurt you." It was a statement, not a question.

After a moment of deliberation, I answered.

"Yes, you did. But I'm not mad at you."

That was the truth. I was mad at myself. Mad for falling in love incautiously, unconditionally, without being sure that the feelings were reciprocal. Mad for taking a vow which I knew would be painful, maybe even impossible, to keep. Mad for messing it all up. It had been my own stupidity which had caused him to bestow his heart on a worthier candidate, on a woman who was not likely to leave him. Or maybe he had never loved me at all.

He sighed.

"Hitomi, I am so sorry. I do not know if I should even try to ask your forgiveness, though, because I might only hurt you more by this. I just need you to know that I did not have anything to say in this matter. This is no consolation, and certainly no excuse; I know that too well. I… Gods, what can I say!"

He lowered his head in shame. At this moment, he probably felt guilty for causing me pain. Maybe he didn't love me, but he certainly felt responsible for me, especially since he knew that he was everything I had left, and since I had sort of admitted feelings for him no less. Now was the time to prove the seriousness of my efforts to make him happy, the opportunity to lift the burden off his shoulders.

I forced the corners of my mouth into a smile and laid a hand on his shoulder. He cringed at the touch, and I quickly removed my fingers, trying to hide how much it hurt me that he avoided my touch.

"I am happy for you," I quietly stated. He looked at me with unsure eyes.

"I am happy for you, Van," I repeated with my voice only trembling a little bit, "because you are going to marry the most astonishing creature that ever graced this world. She's beautiful, accomplished and friendly, and she likes you. I have seen this. And you like her. You feel comfortable in her presence. With her hand, you also ensure the help of her country and give Fanelia the best chance to become peaceful again. In choosing her, you choose wisely" … _And at the same time wrongly…_

"But you…" he murmured.

"Don't think about me, Van," my voice was eventually getting steady, "You must do whatever you think is best for YOU. Fanelia needs you, and Fanelia needs a good queen, and Fanelia needs safety and peace. Fanelia has chosen the perfect bride for you. All left to do for you is to accept her. You already did. You chose her." _… and at the same time ruined me…_

"I didn't choose her," he said stiffly. "I didn't make any choice, and you won't convince me of the opposite. However, it doesn't matter, because I will have to marry her anyway. The contract between Fanelia and Derval is to be linked with the… personal… matter…"

I became aware that he carefully avoided the word 'marriage', as he continued irritably,

"… which means that when any of us ends the… matter…, this will be considered a declaration of war. I cannot do anything, Hitomi. I cannot do anything at all, no matter how I am feeling about it. No matter what YOU are feeling about it. And this is driving me crazy."

His voice became soft and I silently cried tears of exasperation.

"I hate to see you so unhappy, Hitomi. After all that happened to you I cannot stand causing you pain again. Forgive me…"

With a choked voice I made another attempt to stop him.

"Van, I'm not even sure that back then, I told you the truth. What I'd felt was most probably the infatuation of a schoolgirl. I don't know what love is. I never did. Remember what happened with Allen! You're much better off with her, believe me! Marry her, and in time you will forget that there once was an obstinate girl who caused you loads of sorrows, who smacked you in the face, who…" Tears were streaming down my face as I moved my lips without actually speaking, " … who … loved you…"

He looked up, and this time I could see his eyes. They were filled with… hurt? I did the only thing that came into my mind. I ran away, convinced that no consolation in the world would be able to make me smile again.

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_to be continued … wuahahaha! i'm the queen of evil cliffhangers!_

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_and now for something completely different (i don't own monty python …), and as always, in the order of appearance (my, they seem to multiply … help !):_

_**care:** oho! thanks for the compliment. this was not as quickly as i originally planned it. i will always do my best, but sometimes things are not the way you'd like them to be, don't you think? i had loads of stuff on my mind, and this usually stifles my creative juices. anyway, this is the next chapter, and i hope you forgive my being late…_

_**Little Witch:** thanks, i am feeling touched by your kind remark. for me, the number of reviews is not too important, so please don't feel bad. i have seen that it takes a certain… popularity among fellow authors to get tons of reviews, and it's like the kind of popularity you have or don't have on the schoolyard. as soon as you become a member of the 'in'-clique, you'll never have to worry about positive comments or votes or whatever… anyway, this is a popularity i don't strive for. i'd rather go for quality than for quantity. as long as i am satisfied with my story, and as long as there are some people who honestly like it and keep giving me constructive criticism, i couldn't care less if other authors got thousands of reviews. And, yes, i like slowly-paced development. My main plot in this story is the development of Van's and Hitomi's relationship over the months, and it follows my views on the subject. In my opinion, relationships only truly work provided that they have been carefully progressed and are based on honesty, mutual understanding of character and trust. _

_**Hearts of Eternity:** once again – your reviews have an amazing effect on me. they make me puff up with pride and cause me to strut about with an attitude… for heaven's sake, keep me humble and self-conscient, or else i won't be able to keep my level! the role of the misunderstood rebel poet pleases me (just kidding…), and here you are making me feel like a hero! well, i ALWAYS doubt my chapters, and i always find bumpy transitions, wrong wording and clumsy expressions in any of them (no wonder here, as i am no native english speaker…) . you could say that i am never really satisfied with what i have written. there is only one story i consider completely finished (my very first one on and i bet i would still find mistakes if i read it again. whoever told that writing was easy!_

_**WinterRose191:** yesss, our dear hitomi. actually, i hope i made her quite 'in character'. i have only watched the series so far, and i thought her to be rather bitchy. but no wonder here, i reckon i might have reacted in the same way, provided i got kidnapped to a war-ridden planet like she did. i had the impression that she was a self-assured and determined young lady who knew exactly where her place was. in my view, she was not sweet at all. i am glad, however, that you find her portrait rather fitting. let's see how much of her self-esteem she will have to sacrifice in order to get van back. i think i will have to make her grovel a bit before she can have him… hmmmm…_

_**Inda:** yeah, i am alive… if only barely… my life is a bit chaotic at the moment, so please don't mind me updating irregularly. i needed to rearrange my plot a bit, but now i feel it has become more fluent and logical. yes, this one is very close to my views on different things. i have written quite some stories until now, but none of them is as personal as this._

_**akai chou:** TT why did the chapter end? It's not fair! hmph pouts -- very simple. it ended because i wanted it to end… evil laugh i already told you that i like to keep my readers in suspense. i love cliffhangers, too, i even like them in the stories i read! it spurs my interest as well as my imagination. i love to imagine how the plot might be continued, and to compare it with the next chapter as soon as it is posted. once i got an e-mail concerning one of my weird mystery stories. it described the result of a totally unexpected twist which i did not reveal until the fourth chapter… after two weeks without update one of the readers directly sent me an e-mail practically threatening me to continue the story. she told me that the story was still on her mind after two weeks. i can hardly describe how happy this made me!_

_**crescentmoon-cat:** one of these stories i have read as well. it's from dariel, and i still like to keep track of her new stories. i love 'what a rainbow feels like'; her hitomi and mine could be twins (well, technically, they are the same person, but it's nice to know that some writers share my view on how hitomi is supposed to behave). did you discover the little twist i added which was inspired by her story? _

_**escawing:** thanks! can't wait for the next chapter as well… yes, even for me it's still a surprise where the next chapters will be headed. this gudrun-episode has not been part of my original plot… i developed it during writing. even authors only have limited control over their stories. i'm looking forward to the ending as well… let's see whether it all turns out the way i recently planned it…_

_**lil-saturn-goddess:** thank you !_


	7. Caleidoscope

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_hi!  
uhmmmm ... let's see. i've got some interesting stats for you. first thing is: the usual number of rpc (reviews per chapter) suddenly, very suddenly, spiked. huh? could it be that the latest twist i added sort of urged you to speak up?! what was so exceptional about it? ehehe ...ducks down yeah, i already know, i'm evil. already told you that much ..._

_secondly: van kinda got a disputed position. two of you dubbed him evil, one reader wanted him to act up, while two pitied him. do as you please, but remember: DON'T EVEN THINK OF TOUCHING VANNIE ..._

_third thing: death threats and other emotions ... i actually got one death threat, got dubbed an evil person, unfair, a sadist and satan as well ...! don't worry, i can handle whatever you chuck at my head ... if these are all the bad names you can manage, i'll have to provoke more, don't i? let's see what i can do ...maniacal grin_

_fourth: now this is the last straw! my poor stiliani got insulted, you even wanted to push her off the balcony ... aieeee, that hurts. i have SO tried to make her nice and pretty and all, and STILL you threaten her! honestly, folks, she can't do anything about her role in this story, she's only doing what i make her do. it's all my fault! leave her alone!_

_well, what more to say ?! ah, yeah, this: enjoy the new chapter! fyi, i will finally introduce a beloved character!_

**_i don't claim any rights concerning the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. the plot, however, is mine, so please no plagiarism. if you find any language mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them._**

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 7

**Caleidoscope**

_

* * *

_

**H**urried steps made me turn around. A rush of scarlet scurried down the length of the entrance hall, a pleasant voice happily twittering away to the waiting-woman who trailed in her wake.

Princess Stiliani.

Coming from the direction of Van's office, I figured that she had to be exceptionally happy, just because she was scuttling across the hall in such an ... undignified ... way. Unlike now, it was rare for her to forget her good breeding any time. She was always so controlled. Serene. Disciplined. I had never seen her either laugh exuberantly, cry or blow up in anger. Everything about her was moderate and diplomatic. She was the epitome of a true princess.

Unlike myself.

With a deep sigh, I continued up the hall. Originally, I had been on my way to see my patients again, but as the Princess' appearance upset me once more, as it already had many times, I decided to take an immediate break on my favourite bench in the garden. Ever since Stiliani had stepped into my life two weeks ago, this is what I always did in situations like that.

To be more precise, this is what I always did ever since Princess Stiliani of Derval stepped into Van's life. As his fiancée.

Fiancée.

**T**he word still left a stale taste in my mouth. Every time I recalled the harsh truth of my situation, my heart started beating madly and tears welled in my eyes. From time to time I failed to suppress the tears of misery that the thought of Van's loss repeatedly brought up, but all in all I had greatly improved. Thanks to the fact that I kept myself continually occupied, the constant nagging and pining of my heart for the love of my life had numbed to a considerable amount.

Another shaky sigh escaped my lips as I sat down. It was so unfair. I had always had a fairly positive opinion of myself. I had been content with my appearance and had always thought my character sort of agreeable, though I had to admit that Yukari had sometimes used to call me a bitch.

Now, in an 'eat shit or die'- attitude, and as if to test my resolution to the utmost, Fate chose exactly this moment of all to throw the Princess into my path, the one person who seemed to be destined to make me feel inferior, and in a moment in which my fate at Van's side was as unsure as ever no less. I paled in comparison to Princess Stiliani, and I hated to admit it.

Even Yone, who I had thought of as a confidante, an ally, lately had not been able to conceal how much she liked the young woman. Everybody liked her, and even I did, much against my will, because she was nothing short of cute.

**B**esides the fact that she was darn pretty, her impertubable good-will against everybody as well as her zealous attempts to assist Van in any way possible put it out of my power to be mad at her. Heck, in complete ignorance of MY connection to HER royal fiancé she had even tried to comfort me one day when she had accidentally found me crying in the garden. With the utmost resolution I had then been able to resist the temptation to tell her that it was SHE who was the reason for my sadness, and I had had to cry even harder as she had given me an awkward hug and had said something along the lines of: 'All will be well ...'

The fact that she obviously admired Van was not helpful either; and it was safe to assume that she did not only admire him. The sparkling smile she granted him wherever he appeared and the fiery glances she cast at him when she believed to be unobserved, spoke of more profound feelings towards Fanelia's King.

She fancied him and was hell-bent on pleasing him. The chance of her breaking up the engagement kept lowering towards zero, while her chances of marrying him anytime soon gradually increased in my eyes. Each new day witnessed a new all-time low on my side.

But the thing that hurt me most was that she even beat me with respect to my most prominent character trait ...

I had always been able to make people like me. Many friends had told me that somehow, I got under their skin and urged them to smile. Folken had said that, too, and so had, in a way, Van.

My charms had succeeded in achieving what nobody had ever deemed possible. I had befriended the gloomy young king and, at times, had made him smile. A long time ago, I had even made him fall in love with me. Finally I had discovered that I loved Van back and had begun to nourish hopes of being able to heal his troubled soul someday ... until someone arrived who had the same powerful spell under her command.

To see it all taken away by Stiliani was tough.

**E**ventually, Van got along with her just fine. She sought his presence quite often, and they would chat or discuss minor questions of etiquette or things like that. True, their conversations never got deep, and in general, Van remained as moody and reserved as ever, maybe even more so, never revealing the slightest feelings to her at all. Not even Stiliani was able to shake him out of his brooding when he was at it. Only I had been able to do that. Well, and this very capability had been taken out of my sphere of responsibility. Life was unfair.

I could never discern any symptoms of love in Van's behaviour towards her, too, but for me, it didn't matter whether he loved her or not. He would have to marry her, whatever his feelings were, and that meant that he was lost for me. The only weak consolation was that Van at least had some prospect of happiness with a wife who'd read his every wish from his eyes ...

Tears silently made their way down my cheek. Someday, time would be able to heal my wounds. Until then, I could only wait and suffer.

**A** light touch grazed my fingers. I looked up and locked gaze with cerulean irises.

Allen.

He had been a real comfort throughout the last days. As imperceptible as he often was, he couldn't have ignored the effect the latest events had had on me. It had felt good to see his concern, and the fact that he tried to remain close to me and seek my friendship boosted my frayed ego if nothing else. I frequently let him console me.

I knew that I was in need for his 'services' right now, so I motioned for him to sit down.

Carefully he lowered himself onto the bench by my side and placed a light kiss on my forehead in a very matter-of-fact way. I didn't miss the fact that his caresses had become more frequent and intimate recently, as well as had his signals that he was still interested and felt confirmed in his actions.

His arm wound around my shoulder and I stiffened slightly. Something was wrong in the self-confident way in which Allen claimed my nearness. He was far too close to me for far too often. Then again, it had been I who had failed to discourage his every attempt to approach me. From HIS point of view, I was anticipating his courting, and looking back at the past we both shared, the way he eagerly responded came quite naturally.

It was peculiar how years ago, I would have relished in the knowledge of having attracted such a man's affections, but now my insides were churning. Guilt and shame battled in my mind.

I quickly discovered that there were no feelings my obvious preference of him could be based on. I basked in his attentions without planning to reciprocate his feelings. Man, was I ever playing dirty on him!

For purely selfish reasons I had been encourageing these signals. Urged on by how good it had felt to be liked by somebody, even if that somebody was not the man I loved, I had deemed his affections helpful in a way as to soothe the grief I constantly felt about Van. Thus, I had purposefully led Allen on.

Granted, it had been too easy. A little smile here, a friendly word there, and soon he has been following me like the proverbial puppy ...

For a very short time, his company had really helped, sometimes even to the point that I thought I had already conquered my broken heart and had started to make plans with the blonde knight.

**N**ow, however, I changed my mind. The amount of pain I had just felt at Stiliani's sight quickly taught me, that the place Van still had in my heart could never be filled by Allen. It was then that I realized that I had always considered Allen as a makeshift-lover. I had taken advantage of his attachment to me, just because I could have had him more easily.

I knew how it felt to be heart-broken, and the realization that I might deliberately be causing the same pain that I suffered myself to Allen flushed my features in shame. Very much aware that Allen was likely to understand my blush as a sign of positive embarassment, I decided to give him a broad hint about where my true affections lay and turned around to him.

"Hitomi," he murmured, "I am worried about you. It is obvious that your situation is wearing you down. Even the angel that you are can't bear the uncertainty for too long."

I gave him a faint smile and touched his hand.

"I'll be alright, Allen," I whispered. "If Van will be able to bear it, so will I."

A long silence followed before he spoke again.

"Why do you allow him to treat you like that? He uses you and then chucks you aside like an old boot. Were it not for the fact that I owed him loyalty as my liege, I would ..."

I interrupted him with a sudden gesture.

"Don't," I pleaded. "Don't talk about him like that. He can't do anything about it. His Council had arranged the marriage, and its constitutional power can't be overruled by Van. Fate played a nasty trick on me as well as on him. We just weren't meant to be, Allen!"

He shook his head and replied, "If I were in his place, I would have refused any other engagement. I would have chosen the woman which both my honour as well as my heart bound me to. I would have chosen you, Hitomi."

"Impossible," I mumbled, mortified, "you, too, would have chosen your country. In times like these, he can't afford to destabilize his own government by hazarding an advantageous political connection with a strong potential ally."

The truth of my arguments both assured and frightened me at the same time. The fact that Van's engagement to Stiliani was an inevitable evil at the same time cleared the young King of all charges.

Allen, however, didn't appear to be convinced. At his defiant countenance, I added more softly, "I am sure that your loyalty with respect to Astoria would have forbidden you to neglect your duties as to prefer a woman over the safety of your country, Allen. I'd have to be disappointed if it were any other way."

"**L**oyalty ...," was his fervent answer, "what is loyalty to your country against loyalty to your own heart? What can cause a man to desert what is closest to his heart, in favour of political reasons, even something as abstract as his country? What can your country give you which can't be easily outdone by the amazing gifts a beloved woman can give you?"

For a short moment, the shock of hearing such traitorous words from him turned me wordless. He was so much older that Van, but the younger man had always appeared so much more mature! It was unbelievable to what extent the Knight Caeli of Astoria, leader of an entire army with many responsibilities loaded on his shoulders was still capable of acting like a lovestruck teenager when it came to me.

The odd notion that something about his feelings was artificial and extravagant returned with a vengeance. Back when he had suddenly kissed me during the Great War I had been equally confused. Why did a man who had not taken any particular notice of me until then suddenly claim to be full-blown in love with me to a point that he made me a marriage proposal? Nah, I had a suspicion that Allen's feeling had been messed with, and someday I would have to get to the root of his emotional world and discover the How and the Why ...

His agitated face making it impossible for me to dwell on my last thoughts, I was forced to return to the matter at hand. Blushing furiously out of pure mortification, I shook my head, desperate to get him to shut up before someone heard him, but all to no avail. Allen got so carried away with his feelings that he wouldn't stop his rambling.

"**I**f Van were my king, I would still despise him for turning traitor on the most exquisite and loveable creature whose presence ever graced this world's surface by abusing her so badly!" he seethed with glowing features. "It hurts me to no end to see you still sticking up for him, trying to take the blame away from his guilty head, as sweet as you are. It hurts me to see you suffer, Hitomi, can't you see that?"

His words immediately triggered a backflash of a different kind. _I hate it to see you so unhappy, Hitomi. After all that happened to you I can't stand to cause you pain again ... _Ruby eyes bore into my mind, looking unhappy and sad.

"Van," I groaned, and tears started to fall again. I was positive that he suffered as well, because I was the one who knew him best. His recent sullenness, his hardened features, how could Allen ever assume that Van had double-crossed me? Sobbing harder, I buckled and fell to the floor. _Here we go again, _I thought gloomily as, once again, my self-control shattered.

**A** strong arm caught me before my knees hit the ground. Before I knew what happened, Allen swept me up bridal-style, buried his face in my hair and hissed, "I'm going to make him pay for causing you such pain. I hereby take you back, Hitomi, and I will make you smile again like you did when you were mine ...", and with this, he bent down and kissed me fully on the lips.

Stunned, I was unable to react. A roaring, swirling mass of shock and confusion filled my head at Allen's sudden approach. His lips worked my liplock aggressively, almost bruising my skin, while his fingertips dug into my ribs, causing me to wince. After what seemed like an eternity, he stopped his ministrations and looked up. We stared at each other breathlessly, and his blazing gaze burned into my soul.

_Smack him_, my mind ordered, and I was about to obey when a strange noise met my ears. I scrambled out of Allen's grip and whipped around to see where it came from.

**V**an was standing a few metres away.

Instead of his usual regal attire, he was dressed in those simple but pracical clothes he had been wearing during the Great War. They made him look young and vulnerable. But what really shook me to the bone was the look of pure hurt and painful shock in his eyes. He so much looked like the pained, hunted creature I had met back then!

Mouth slightly agape in a silent cry, he stood there, shoulders hunched up, frozen in the momentum like I was, too. He moved his lips in a futile attempt to say something, but no sound came out.

Undoubtedly he had seen everything, and by the dull and wounded look in his ruby orbs he had expected anything else but the sight he had been greeted with.

Unable to do anything else, I cursed inwardly.

Damned be the moment in which I first admitted Allen's attentions again! Cursed be my egocentric behaviour that had led him to do what he just did! Wretched be the moment in which I remained frozen from shock instead of smacking Allen senseless, evoking the impression that I had just enjoyed Allen kiss!

Why the hell did I have to fuck up everything? Why?

Before Allen, who had already stretched out his hand towards me possessively, had the chance to even touch me, I gave him a resounding slap in his face, turned around and ran away, bawling like a baby.

....

* * *

**I **needed hours to recover from my recent 'adventure'.

My heart told me that Van had been looking for me. It was widely known that the garden was one of my favourite places to sulk, and my heightened senses had caught his anxiety as well. I couldn't get over the hurt in his eyes. What had he been on the point of doing? Ever since our last conversation on the evening of Stiliani's arrival, we had not talked at all about the situation. My outbreak of tears had effectively stopped any attempt to discuss our matter further, and I had run away. Had he been intending to pick up the topic and try to sort out our situation?

Anyway, it didn't matter much, now did it? Apart from the fact that the end of his engagement with Stiliani would immediately involve his country into a war against one of its most powerful allies, he was also sure to back off from any plan he might have had concerning me, as he had seen me in the arms of his rival, supposedly locked in an abundant kiss. There was no way he could have caught the real meaning of the situation!

I rose from my bed and staggered over to the full length mirror that hung at the opposite wall. My gaze wandered over slumped shoulders and a tear-covered face with droopy, bloodshot eyes.

"Hello, beauty," I hissed at my reflection, "are you happy now? You mindlessly fooled around with Allen's feelings, pushed Van into Stiliani's arms and got yourself a prime ticket for the Soul Train!" My reflection didn't answer, only tears pooled in her eyes for the thousandth time. The only thing I ever did correctly was cry.

**A** harsh knock thrummed at the door and caused me to flinch. The intruder didn't wait for my sign and tore through the door. It all happened in a blur of orange and a flash of claws. Stunned, I first held my right cheek, then the left, which were tainted flaming red and had begun to sting in mere seconds.

I looked up. Pale green eyes emitted sparks.

"What do you think you're playing at, Hitomi?!"

A familiar piercing voice split my ears, and a hard push knocked me against the nearest wall, completely winding me. Incredulously I stared into a feline face surrounded by reddish hair through which pointed ears were poking their tips. A lithe, now feminine body pinned me against the back wall of my room, literally vibrating with suppressed anger.

"Me ... Meruru-chan,"I gasped, „when did you ..." Another slap stopped me in my tracks. With a yowling screech she interrupted me, "It's ME who's doing the talking, woman !!!", grabbed my collar and repeated menacingly "What do you think you were playing at?"

My blank expression must have spoken volumes, because she gave an exasperated sigh, let go of me and flipped back her head haughtily.

"I ALWAYS knew she was a bit dense," she meowed to nobody particular, "I don't know why I EVER put up with her, thank you very much."

Man, this girl surely knew how to push all my buttons! A surge of annoyance flushed my features even more than her slaps had already done.

"Pay attention, kitten," I gnashed out between my teeth, "which particular incident are you talking about? You can't just barge in, knock me out and expect me to answer questions you didn't even ask properly. I'm not a mind reader, you know!"

The neko girl narrowed her eyes at 'kitten' and crowded me once again.

"You mean to say that you don't remember ANYTHING you should be ashamed of, Hi-to-mi?" The way she spat out the syllables of my name indicated that she was really pissed off. "Very well, then, how about we begin with the little SLAPSTICK you forced Lord Van to witness a few hours ago, huh? What about that? You remember, the one in which you actually KISSED Allen Shezar?!"

I tried to interrupt her, but she was too much enraged to chill down anytime soon. With flashing eyes she continued to yell into my face, exposing dangerously glinting fangs.

"Do you know how Lord Van MISSED you? You got him to fall in LOVE with you and then you not only LEFT him and returned to your damned world, but you ALSO didn't keep in touch either, leaving that man devastated and clueless as to what you REALLY felt for him. You took your sweet fucking time to FINALLY come to visit him, arrived half-dead and let him wonder what the hell had happened to you and whether you'd EVER recover. You allowed him to feed you up and as a thanks you let him get CAUGHT by a piece of shit fucking PRINCESS who nobody gives a DAMN about, while you spent your time snogging a womanizing airhead in order to get nicely lined up in his TROPHY COLLECTION. Dammit, Hitomi, GOOD JOB!!!"

"I DIDN'T KISS ALLEN," I bellowed, outraged. "Ooooh," she snipped back, "then how do you account for what Lord Van had TOLD me a couple of minutes ago? He SAW you throwing yourself into Shezar's arms when he came to look for you. WHO are you kidding?"

She inhaled deeply to send another cataract of reproaches in my direction, but I had already lost my nerve.

"**W**ILL YOU CALM DOWN AND LISTEN," I screeched and she flinched and covered her sensitive ears. I used this moment to clamp one of my hands over her mouth, grab her wrists with the other and shove her against the nearest hard surface. This action was sure to raise her hackles immediately, and she wriggled against my grasp and hissed, but with desperate strength I held her in place.

"Listen," I rebuked her, "it's not the way you think it is. It was Allen who grabbed me and kissed me before I could stop him. I didn't want that, and I certainly didn't want Van to watch the whole scene. I LOVE Van and I could never hurt him, you should know that by now, you stupid wildcat." Again she spat something irrecognizeable while glaring daggers at me.

"I'll also have you know that it was VAN who first got engaged to this woman, but of course you didn't stop to think about what that meant to ME, did you? All you thought about was your precious Van and how HE would suffer. Well, you're in for a surprise, kitten: **I** am the one who is heartbroken, because Van left ME. He dumped me for that Princess, and if you ask me, he seems to be quite happy with her already. But never mind ME, little old Hitomi can cope with having their happiness rubbed in her face every day, after she left her home to come back to him ..."

My sobs violently shook my body. Meruru's eyes widened at once at the sight of my bitter tears. I had already lost all strength and her wrists slipped out of my grasp, but I didn't care. I was crying openly now.

"He didn't even MENTION the engagement to me! I was with the wolf-people when it happened, and as I came back it was Yone who told me that he had been designated for Princess Stiliani. Everybody keeps telling me what a nice and pretty girl she is and how happy they are going to be, and I can't stand it anymore ... The only one who seemed to understand my feelings was Allen, and he ... "I gulped, thinking of how to explain Allen's behaviour without having to allude to my own responsibility in the whole scheme, "he ... took it the wrong way, period."

During my last tirade I had slid down onto the floor, and so had the neko girl. Her face still wore an irritated look, but at least her fury appeared to have subsided. With a lowered head and flattened ears she began massageing her wrists which apparently had been caught in my vice grip for too long and only after a few minutes did she direct her words directly at me in an accusing voice.

"**Y**ou may think what you choose to, but it's not Lord Van's fault," she announced and looked me directly into my eyes. I nodded reassuringly and she continued, "and whatever happened between Van and you, I can tell you one thing for sure: He won't be happy with this princess. No way. There's only one person he'll be happy with, and this person is you, Hitomi, whether you like it or not."

My shoulders slumped. With a few pointed words she had expressed what I'd dared not hope all the time. She knew Van's mind to a sufficient extent to be able to discern any feelings he might have with respect to other persons. She had just summarized what I had been ignoring for a long time and what I had deceived myself about.

Van didn't love Stiliani. He still loved me.

"Anyway," Meruru's snubby words jerked me out of my musings, "I didn't step aside for a silly PRINCESS. I want Lord Van to be happy, and it's bad enough I had to leave him to YOU. I won't have this finicky girl catch him, that's for SURE."

As downtrodden as I was, I had to snicker nontheless. Her refreshing, jaunty self-confidence had not changed over the years. Deep down, I had always missed her, even as I was back on Earth. However, her next words effectively stopped my short bout of carelessness.

"If you loved him, as you claimed a couple of moments ago, then how come you didn't INTERVENE, Hi-to-mi? You didn't even ..." her eyes glinted maliciously, "... TELL him that you loved him."

"I did," I murmured weakly, only to be interrupted by her shrill voice. Boy, even as a full-grown woman her voice had not changed a bit. It was a lilting, childish wail which, when turned on full blast, shattered the inside of my ears.

"Liar," she yowled, "he told me that you took it all BACK. He thought you didn't love him anymore. And you know what, he suspected Shezar right away. Goddammit, Hitomi, the man was DEPRESSED, because he thought you had resumed your relationship with Shezar again. He thought you'd been PLAYING with him." She rolled her eyes heavenwards, mewling "MAN, I don't reckon this stupid girl really takes the situation SERIOUS enough ..."

"**B**ut I DO!" I rebuffed, "I love him. What else do you want me to say? I just thought he liked Stiliani and didn't want him to worry about me. I ..." Her doubting look forced me to finally spill the beans and bare my secret to her.

With a low voice I added, "I really love him. He's my life, my love, my everything. He's all that I have left of my life, and to lose him would be the worst thing that could happen to me. All these years on Earth I have been wondering what he did and whether he was happy, and more than once I wished I had never left him at all. I have sworn to make him happy ... and as it appeared that he wanted Stiliani, I planned on letting him go so that he could have her. That's why I told him to marry her."

After a moment of silence, Meruru quietly asked, "You REALLY would have watched him marry that girl without so much as a blink of an eye?" I nodded.

"Yes. Whatever he wants, I have sworn to make sure he gets it. And as long as he's happy, I will be happy as well. For his sake, I will be strong and bear whatever is necessary to satisfy him. This is a promise I made after I ... returned to Gaia. "

Meruru stared at me for a long time. Finally she muttered "Pathetic humans," shook her head and started to shuffle out of the room.

"Tell you what," she quipped, turning back to me, "you messed it all up, and if you don't have the GUTS to set it right again, I will take care of you and make sure you'll NEVER be happy again, d'you understand?"

Too surprised to react, I watched her scamper out of the room. As soon as her tail whipped around the corner, I let out a deep, shaky sigh, curled around my knees and buried my face on my hands.

How on the was I supposed to 'set right again' which had already gone horribly wrong in the beginning?

* * *

**I**t was only three hours later that I decided to return to my daily tasks, which, over having been rape-kissed by Allen, having broken Van's heart, having been scared to death by an aggressive feline and having wracked my thoughts to knots in search of a suitable solution, I had ended up neglecting badly.

The young boy who had been hurt during the fire attack on the Royal Palace was still lying in his bedroom in the hospital tract, waiting for me to resume his treatment. I apologized for my tardiness and concentrated on him. In order to be able to treat patients it was compulsory to lock away irrelevant or disturbing thoughts, which, concerning my recent adventures, I always had plenty of. Any distraction during the procedure was sure to produce complications which might at times cause serious damage to the patient.

After having dealt with by an experienced healer of Van's hospital staff, the child had finally woken up. The man had confirmed my original surmise that the kid had suffered a severe disappointment by someone he trusted, and I was immensely proud to have successfully managed to form a diagnosis which had finally turned out to be correct.

The one thing that was left to do was get the boy to trust us so far as to reveal the name of his attacker. As a result of the disappointment the child had suffered, his trust was not easily to be gained, of course. However, I had gladly taken over responsibility for the boy, thinking that my open personality would make things easier for him.

**I** entered the room, greeted the boy and knelt down by his side. He peered at me with wide eyes, and I gave him a tiny reassuring smile. We had made significant progress in the last days, proving that my capability to make people trust me had not diminished in any way over the last weeks. As a victim of the latest assault who might give valuable hints about the attackers no less, it had become my most pressing goal to get him to talk, and for today I hoped that he might finally tell me name as well as origin of his former companion who had tried to kill him.

I was hell-bent on finding out who had committed the assault and had thus tried to kill Van.

"Hey," I murmured softly, and "hey," was his faint answer. Our usual ritual was that I spoke first, telling him about my day and the people that I met, so this is what I did. Leaving out generous parts of the events concerning my love life, I told him about my friend Meruru whom I had finally met again and who had just given me the telling-off of my life.

An amused chuckle escaped his lips and elated about the positive turn the boy's health had finally completed, I offered to introduce this fabulous friend of mine to him. He agreed eagerly, and I asked the nurse to take Meruru to the hospital wing. Soon enough, her lithe body slid through the door with the usual grace which, as I thought, might delight my little patient even more.

"Look, "I beamed contentedly, "this is my friend ... huh?" A quick glance told me that something was not right.

**A**s soon as my little patient had caught sight of his visitor, he paled visibly, his body becoming as stiff as a board. A tiny whimper escaped his pressed lips as he tried to hide behind me. Meruru, perceiving his obvious despair, threw me a quizzical glance and snuck out of the room again. She would be waiting for an explanation later, but right now I was glad that she was gone.

My first puzzlement about this unusual reaction quickly produced hectic activity. Closing my eyes, my mental fingers prodded his soul, detecting panic, hurt, disappointment and betrayal.

Someone had hurt him deeply ...

This someone can't possibly have been Meruru, as she had been staying in Astoria at the time, but ... it could have been someone who looked exactly like her ...

A neko ...

A member of the neko tribe had committed the assault ...

Man, how on Gaia was I supposed to tell Meruru ...?

**D**eep in thoughts I left the hospital tract. My excitement was such that I nearly barrelled over someone who crossed my path in the corridor. A quick look told me that it was Princess Stiliani whose troubled complexion told me that she, too, was not happy at all. Moist streaks covered her lovely face and her eyes were puffy.

At the sight of her downtrodden countenance, a sudden and strange feeling of sisterly solidarity and affection welled up in me and nearly caused me to hug her and repay the kind gesture she had once given me. However, she turned her head away and hastened off, dry sobs racking her supple form. The indignant thought that, as King Van's fiancée, she didn't have the right to be sad, shot through my mind, but I had more pressing matters to tend to, and the next moment I hurried off to look for someone to tell my recent discovery.

* * *

**A**n hour later, the tide was high in the Council room.

„IMPOSSIBLE !!!"an enraged Meruru spat in my face. "It CAN'T have been someone from my family! Apart from the fact that Zaibach's regular POGROMS hve made sure that hardly anyone of my people survived, there simply is no REASON for any of us to assault Lord Van ... The neko have ALWAYS been loyal subjects to the Kingdom of Fanelia!"

As rationally as I could muster, I mentioned the boy's terrified reaction at her appearance for which no other explanation could be given, but was immediately rebuked by her.

"RUBBISH," she waved it all off, "he can have had MILLIONS of reasons for his behaviour. You are accusing a member of my tribe of TREACHERY, and have nothing else to offer than the lousy reaction of this little runt?!"

I was about to give her a heated return when suddenly one of Van's advisors piped up.

"Investigations amongst the boy's neighbours have revealed that one of his close friends used to be a young man of unknown origin. He was rumoured to be a member of the neko tribe, though he rarely showed his face to anyone. All of a sudden, he appeared out of nothing and, against the boy's parents' will, befriended their son and appeared to have imposed a ... doubtful ... influence on the child. The boy has been known to act strangely after hanging out with his friend. He was renitent and often possessed things which children his age would not be allowed to own, such as ..."

"GET STUFFED," Meruru's eyes were flashing dangerously, and the advisor gulped heavily. "Neko people used to have a poor reputation on this world for DECADES. Members of my tribe have always been PERSECUTED, oppressed and blamed for crimes none of them had committed. Nobody EVER did us justice, the sole exception being King Goau of Fanelia and his family who ADOPTED me after a mob had killed my parents. This is just another low and cowardy attempt to blame MY people for the assaults!"

Her face was heated, and she was just about to add another argument, as Van suddenly raised his hand. The room became quiet in seconds, all faces turned to him. I couldn't avoid an embarassed blush creeping over my features as his gaze flew over my face, since this was the first time that we met after he'd walked in on Allen and me. His face, however, remained neutral.

"**M**eruru," even his voice remained calm, "in order to confirm or refute the rumours, we will have to inquire amongst the neko themselves. You of all my counsellors will be best suited for the mission. I hereby appoint you Royal Coroner, giving you all necessary competences to execute a formal inquiry in the matter aforementioned. Travel to your tribe, take along all the personnel and means you deem necessary and find out whether these rumours were right or wrong. I expect you to be fair; you are sensible enough to do justice to the delicate matter and wil neither miss positive nor suppress negative evidence. I am counting on you ..." with a meaningful glance he added ... "... sister."

A long glance was exchanged between the rusty-furred neko woman and the King. Silent messages were dispatched to and fro the adopted siblings, discussions were made and points were got across. Finally, Meruru nodded, bowed stiffly and announced: "I will be off this evening." With an elegant movement she turned around and slid out of the door.

**T**his was when I made my decision.

Before Van could even address me, I had quickly bowed and left the room as well. The cat woman was already miles away, but after a short run I managed to catch up with her and called her name. Her face fell as she saw me running towards her.

"Still there?" she snarled, "still more rumours to blame on my people?"

Silently I shook my head. "You know that I was far from blaming your tribe on purpose. All I wanted and still want is to find out the truth about who tried to kill Van. HE is where my first and foremost loyalties lie with. I though you would feel the same."

She didn't look away, and we traded glances. "I do," she said proudly. "I will lead the inquisition as thorough as possible, but I am convinced that the rumours will prove to be wrong."

Hand outstretched to her, I offered, "I will help you, if you let me." An incredulous look of hers forced me to elaborate.

"Look, I am sorry about the way things have turned out. I am sorry that my discovery had to lead to bad rumours. Where I come from, prosecutors have to ascertain both incriminating as well as exonerating circumstances. This is why I want to help you find out more. I have trained my mental powers, and your people maybe don't feel threatened by me, because I'm not Gaian, so hopefully I will be able to be of some help."

She narrowed her eyes, mistrust written over her features. I tried to keep my countenance as open and honest as possible, although I still hid an additional reason about why I wanted to accompany her.

With an exasperated sigh, the young feline gave way. "Fine. Whatever. Come with me," she muttered and dismissed me with a careless wave of her hand. Clearly I was not her favourite companion, but I was resolved on being useful.

"We are leaving tonight at eight. Be on time, because I won't wait for you. Have I made myself clear enough?" she added with a dour face.

"Yes," I nodded with an inner cheer. I was a genius! This way, I wouldn't have to watch Van being wooed by Stiliani. I would be able to avoid Allen. Plus, I might take the opportunity to get back into Meruru's good graces again. And if I was lucky, Stiliani would be gone the moment we returned from the neko ...

* * *

**W**e set off punctually. I had decided to travel incognito, as I was sure that the Fanelian leader would not approve of my going with his adopted sister. This was why the moment the young King stepped out of the entrance door, I ducked and pulled a hood into my face.

Van's slim form stood on the Palace stairs, surrounded by heavily armed guards, and uneasiness seeped into my stomach. I wouldn't see him for weeks, maybe even months. I wouldn't be there to protect him in case someone attacked him again ...

However, with respect to what had happened between us, I was positive that neither of us would feel comfortable in each other's presence, so keeping a low profile for some time might be exactly what we both needed.

In a moment of last-minute nostalgia, I listened to Van's simple words of farewell. What surprised me was that the Princess of Derval was nowhere to be seen. Usually her weakness for her fiancé was sure to keep her close to him.

**M**y musings were interrupted by some of the King's words.

"... will be accompanied by the Royal escort of Derval which will travel as far as the town of Amine with you. Under Her Royal Highness, the Princess Stiliani's, protection you will be enabled to travel more quickly and safely, and hopefully you will reach the forest of Adom in so much as two days. Take care, and farewell."

At these words, our group started to move. I was so confused that I had to remind myself to keep a strong grip on the reigns of my horse. Why on Earth did the Dervalian escort, why did the Princess, accompany us? Why did Stiliani leave Fanelia at all? From what I recollected, the duration of her stay had not been fixed beforehand, but on the other hand, Yone had not mentioned her leaving so soon either. I had been convinced that she'd stay for longer, maybe even until their wedding, so the sudden departure of the Princess caught me cold-handed.

For once I was worried about Van again. How would he be able to bear his fiancée's absence? The idea to go with Meruru didn't seem so appealing as it had in the morning, but our group had already left the Palace grounds. There was no way back.

With a determined gesture I looked ahead, where my path was leading towards Adom, towards the neko.

There was only one way I was following, and I was going to take it one step at a time.

* * *

_to be continued ..._

* * *

_and now for something completely different (i don't own monty python ...), and as always, in the order of appearance (my, this is getting long ... help !!!):_

_**Inda:** er ... say, a monkey wrench is a tool, correct? i suppose you are alluding at the cliffie?! this must be an idiom i haven't known until now ...and it's always nice to learn something new! anyway, concerning van: no touchie hugs her van doll !! he's innocent. in this case he couldn't have done anything at all, as the unanimous vote of his council ...well, see last chapter. plus, he already told you that he suffers, didn't he? don't leave him! and ...by the way ... DON'T NAG! ;-)_

_**escawing:** so sorry ...is it really that emotional? now this might be something to tell my grandchildren one day ...ehehehe ..._

_**Hearts of Eternity:** nooooo, don't cry!!! it all has a solution you'll find out about later! anyway, i hope it's not a bad sign for a writer to get readers crying ...mind, you might be crying in the end as well ...but happy tears ! keep your chin up!_

_**Little Witch:** aieee! keep your fingers off stiliani !! i like her and wanted her to be a sort of eye-catcher. IF van HAD to marry a real princess, wouldn't it be nice to know that he was married to a pretty and clever girl instead of a pincer woman? she's really nice, believe me; if she existed, you'd like her, too. i just needed her to add some tension to the plot, and wasn't it you who didn't want van and hitomi to rush into a romance?!_

_**Sesshyz Koishii:** (i wonder whether sesshie'd ever call someone his 'koishii' ... ehehehe!) anyway, in case you got bad ideas: i've got an attack gecko!!!_

_**Kyoko De Fanel:** new pen name - you 'married'? congrats ;-) well, groveling ...she already did, kinda. i meant 'suffer' or 'being punished', and that she already did. as to van ...question already answered?_

_**Aja: **i wanted to introduce the engagement as a surprise! this was one of the first twists i thought of when i created the plot. actually i have read quite a lot of stories with such a complication (no surprise here, as royal marriages are often being arranged connections), but in most of them hitomi's rival is kind of evil or stupid or in love with someone else, and thus no real competition. i wanted stiliani to be a real threat, along the lines that readers kinda like her, too. it seems like i failed sigh_

_**Jameth:** wuahahahaha !!! stick with me, and you'll die of nervous breakdown !_

_**kaede11:** yeah, he gets to retaliate in a very effective way, doesn't he? they both don't really trust each other. their imperfections make them perfect for each other, don't you think?don't worry, he will suffer. they both will. that's what fanfics are about. anyway, hands off van!!!_

_**akai chou:** there it is ... once the olympics are over, i'll have to find something else to distract me off writing ..._

_**Rogue Almighty: **shit. how did you find out? yeah, my name's satan, beelzebub or devil, and i'm evil impersonnate. i never miss an opportunity to make people suffer ...but shhhhhh, don't tell anybody, right? as for the update time, i ... hang on, i need to watch the hockey final right now ...germany against netherlands ...i'll explain later ...wuahahaha!_

_**Athanase: **it might be better to keep your hankeys ready ...anyway, thanks for the flattering compliment. concerning me, this fic certainly IS powerful. it robs me off sleep, keeps me up late and distracts me at work ...oh, well ..._

_**Nightheart:** whow, what a review! thanks. i'll keep doing my best ..._

_**Esca-lover:** reviews like yours make me feel all warm and fuzzy ...thank you very much! especially the part about the language is what i consider extremely flattering. i am german; since i have only learned english at school for a couple of years, hearing from someone that grammar and word usage are fairly correct is something that makes me proud. i am also proud that you added this fic to your 'favourites'-list and even plan to recommend it. which author would be able to refuse an offer like that ...;-)_

_**Tori-san:** i'll do my very best ...can you hear the cog wheels in my mind rattling ?_

_**Solo:** WAR ?! nah, this is a peaceful story ... ;-) anyway, thanks a lot ..._

_**Kintora:** glad you liked it! mmmmh ...my 'author-power' is already happily thinking of new ways to torture them. maybe i should add them ... but then again, i might also write another fic after this one ... we'll see! don't worry, i will finish this one. i've already worked it out completely ... you will SO love it! wuahahaha!!!_


	8. Granite

_hi!__  
__can anybody explain to me what 'mary sue' means? and what is 'slash'? i have been looking for a beta for this fic, and on some webpages i found kinds of 'advertisements' in which beta readers introduced themselves with their preferences et al. actually 'mary-sue' and 'slash' seemed to be categories of fics which most of them wouldn't want to work on. what the hell are these? (and whatever they are, they sound interesting. i might try my hands at one of those ... wuahahaha!!!!)_

_by the way, i am planning to recompletely re-do all chapters i have written so far, meaning that the next chapter will have to wait for a while. i have asked someone to beta this story, and i am glad that this person agreed. this is why i am resolved on having chapters 1-8 checked by her first thing, then i'll re-edit those chapters and post the revised version before i post new chapters at all. sorry about making you wait, but at least you will be rewarded by completely edited, triple-checked and (hopefully!) flawless chapters from now on._

**_three cheers to my beta, RyRy, who did, and is still doing, an incredible job on my fic so far. thank you!_**

_by the way, this is your chance to drop me a line if you reckon anything in my fic needs revision. whatever it is that you don't like, send me an e-mail and i'll be sure to check it and, in case i agree, fix it. go ahead!_

**_i don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. stiliani and the chieftainess, however, are my creations, as well as the plot, so please no plagiarism. if you find any language mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them._**

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 8

**Granite**

* * *

**A**mine was a rather small village bordering the Forest of Adom. It was fitted snugly into a narrow valley that had been created by a little creek. In its centre was a fork in which the road coming from Fanelia City divided, one of the branches leading through the Forest to Astoria, while the other was headed over the hills towards the west, towards the countries of Freytt, Derval and Mynar.

If it weren't for the crossing, Amine would have been just another one of those adorable but remote little towns. However, the fact that many escorts, treks and armies to and fro Fanelia as well as the whole Fanelian trade had to pass this particular crossing, its inhabitants had used the lively traffic to amass a modest amount of wealth. Travellers, whether they be merchants or militia, were well taken care of, and this is why our group decided to settle down right here for the oncoming night.

Meruru lead our small pack to a campsite which was situated on the outskirts of the village and dismounted, thus signalling for us to get off our horses as well. Other than the cat-woman and I, our group only consisted of five other persons.. I didn't know any of them, but I had found out that amongst them were three soldiers, a scout, a messenger, and a servant whose duty it obviously was to tend to our luggage and cook our meals.

I slumped to the ground immediately, utterly relieved of getting out of the saddle. Riding for a whole day with only short breaks was exhausting, and I was already dreading tomorrow morning when we would proceed on our journey. My ass was sore, I was sweaty, hungry and dead tired and wanted nothing more than a hot bath, some munchies and my bed.

Wearily I watched some of my companions fixing the camp, collecting firewood and putting up tents in which we were supposed to sleep tonight. I had never been much of a camper, and the thought of sleeping on the hard ground under a roof of canvas was not remotely appealing. I was aware that I would have to erect my own tent before nightfall, and I knew that I would be all thumbs when it came to dealing with all these strange pegs, strings and mats, and in the darkness no less!

What a stupid idea it had been to accompany Meruru! Right now I should be in my cosy room at the palace, snuggling into my soft pillows, the picture of a certain tousle-haired man in my mind before I fell asleep. What's more, since Meruru was gone and his finacée had left the palace as well, I could have even had the prospect of having him all to myself! But noooo, stupid Hitomi had to run away from him in order to fix her friendship with the annoying feline harpy who was currently shrieking orders to her underlings in her usual bossy way. What a mess!

"**E**xcuse me please, my Lady?" Someone cleared his throat next to me and I turned around. A tall, muscular soldier was standing next to me. He wore the uniform of the Dervalian guards and bowed deeply as I looked at him before continuing to speak.

"Would you be Mylady Kanzaki Hitomi of Fanelia?"

A slight jolt of surprise flashed through my stomach. Whoever told him my name forgot to mention that I had come from the Earth, otherwise he wouldn't have associated me with Fanelia. However, it felt good to be connected to Van's country, so I did nothing to correct him and merely nodded.

"Her Royal Highness, Princess Stiliani of Derval, sends her respects. She has expressed her earnest wish to meet you and asks you to join her in her room for the evening. Please allow me to escort you." With this, he held out his hand, clearly expecting me to take it.

I was stunned, to say the least. Stiliani...

Why did she want to see me? I couldn't think of one single reason for her to talk to me of all people. I didn't even expect her to know me at all. We had never been formally introduced to each other, as I was hardly familiar to anyone at the Palace. I wasn't even important enough to begin with to be presented to someone as highly ranked as her. The only person who might have introduced us was Van, and he had to be hell-bent to avoid any confrontation out of apparent reasons.

The only thing to be likely to draw her notice on me was that someone filled her in on my close connection with the Fanelian king. At this point my insides churned uncomfortably. If she knew about Van and I, this was bound to become an awkward conversation. I wasn't keen on going, but refusing her polite request would be considered highly inappropriate, added to the fact that it would most certainly raise her suspicion, if she already had any. I had no choice but to comply.

Taking his arm, I followed the man to a small inn at the roadside. He led me throught the entrance hall, climbed a flight of steps and stopped in front of a simple wooden door, where he knocked twice. A gentle, feminine voice answered, the door opened and my companion ushered me in.

**A** small but comfortably furnitured room awaited me. It was lit by chadeliers as well as a small fire which crackled merrily in the stove. Artificial lighting was something only the wealthiest people were able to afford, and the landlord of this inn obviously did not belong to this group. The dancing flames were partly covered by the slim silhouette of a woman dressed in exquisite robes, who was sitting on an armchair in front of the fireplace. That was her. I gulped.

Carefully I closed the door behind me, approached the sitting figure and bowed, desperately hoping that I didn't look as clumsy as I felt. In my travel attire, composed of practical but totally unfashionable riding-pants, a simple tunic and a short, hooded cape I felt like a peasant must feel in the presence of a nobleman, which most probably wasn't too far-fetched a comparison.

The serene, melodious voice that had recently been ringing through the hallways of the Royal palace in Fanelia was now talking to me.

"I am very pleased to meet you, Mylady Hitomi. Please forgive my rudeness as to kidnap you in a situation in which you would most probably rather take a rest from the exhausting voyage. However, my curiosity to meet you has been too strong to overcome. Please accept my apologies."

Her politeness amazed me. I couldn't help wondering whether she'd be equally civil in case she knew about the jealous feelings I harboured against her. Cheeks flushed, I lowered my head in an attempt to hide my eyes behind my bangs. As my hair had already grown a lot since my arrival, I succeeded without being too obvious in my intentions.

I pulled myself together and tried to answer in the way it was expected from me. I was treading on dangerous grounds, though. She was Royalty and ranked as high as a diplomat; thus a single wrong word could land me in prison for jeopardizing Fanelia's foreign relations.

"Your Highness is too friendly. I would never have expected to raise your curiosity to an extent which would urge you to actually adress me. I still wonder about it. May I ask what exactly caught Your Highness' attention, for I am only a low commoner?"

**A** tiny smile played around the corners of her slightly pouty mouth. My gut feeling kicked in vigorously, and for a short moment I felt uneasy, because I had the impression she knew more than she let on.

"Now, Lady Hitomi," she replied, "pray don't talk about your value in such a deprecative way. Everybody recognizes you as the Seeress of the Mystic Moon, the famous woman who ended the Great War several years ago. Our history books had to be rewritten because of the truth you had revealed about our people's origin. You are renowned for being the most courageous and strong of the Gaian warriors, and I feel truly honoured by your presence."

By now I was blushing twenty shades of red. One half of it was embarrassment, for when did I ever hear myself called 'the most courageous warrior of insert any name'? The other half, though, was annoyance, mixed with a hint of suspicion. Her flattery was obvious. What was the woman playing at? Was she trying to take advantage of me?

Well, in that case she would be in for a surprise. I resolved that I would not be corrupted into thinking better of her engagement to Van. I didn't want and didn't need her admiration. Her famous charm would have no effect on ME!

Fearing that my eyes might betray my feelings, I waited a few seconds before I looked at her again and countered flatly.

"Forgive me for contradicting, but I must ask you not to overestimate my role in the recent events. Your opinion of me is based on only phantoms and fragments of who I really am. In order to be able to value my character properly, you have to be familiar with my heart, and there are many things that you don't know yet. I beg you not to judge my character solely by my recent deeds."

She reclined in her chair, her deep blue eyes observing me with an unfathomable expression. I was wondering whether she knew the sincerity of my words. There were, in fact, many emotions in my heart that I didn't want her to discover, because they would be very likely to turn her favourable opinion of me into quite the opposite.

"You may be surprised," she said lightly, while playing with the pendant she wore around her neck, "to what an extent your deeds are capable of giving away your heart, Lady Hitomi. And it is not only your own behaviour which shows your true colours. It can also be seen in the way you interact with other people; it is visible in who you are friends with, who you love. Sometimes,"she made a significant pause, "the fact that you decide to do nothing reveals what you feel, too."

Something in her voice alarmed me. I had the distinct feeling that she was alluding to the way I had acted – to be more precise: the way I had not acted – around Van. But then, why should she know about my promise? A slight blush crept into my cheeks, and in order to avoid her scrutiny I let my eyes wander.

**M**y gaze was caught by the pendant she was playing with. It was made of a beautiful diamond the size of a peanut; the stone was enveloped in an unusual ring-shaped setting. The flickering light of the flames made the light jump from face to face, and for some reason I could feel each of the jumps in my chest. I squinted in order to get a better view of it when Stiliani seemed to realize what I was doing, coloured and hurriedly tucked it under the neckline of her dress.

I decided that I ought to leave now and jumped to my feet. My pretty rival rose, too, and held out her hand. Without hesitation, I grabbed it. Our eyes met. Cerulean orbs penetrated my defences and saw right into my soul. Suddenly I was sure that she already knew about Van and I. Somehow, this realization didn't scare me. She had not mentioned the matter previously, though, as she most probably wanted to spare us both an awkward and painful discussion, and for this I felt thankful. I bowed respectfully, demonstrating that, although we acknowledged each other as rivals, I was still able to honour her for her sense of fair play. She replied by a grave look and a nod. Seconds stretched to what seemed like hours.

Only the sound of a log cracking in the fireplace jerked me out of my stupor. Seeing as she appeared to be as much embarrassed as I was, I pulled my hand out of her grip and struggled to find something kind to say on leavetaking. I ended up opting for harmless small talk.

"Thank you, Your Highness, for devoting some of your precious time to me. I am glad to have had the opportunity to talk to you."

"So am I,"she answered quietly, "I wish you and your companions a safe journey and successful accomplishment of your task. May the Gods be with you."

Huh? Hang on, wasn't she supposed to come with us?

"But," I protested, "I'd assumed that since Your Highness came all along the way with our group, you'd be travelling to Adom with us? I thought that Lord Van told us you'd be ..." The rest of my outburst vanished under indistinct muttering. Van had said that Stiliani's escort would travel with us --

-- _as far as the town of Amine_ ...

Her next word confirmed what my reason had already told me.

"I am sure that there has been a misunderstanding. I am going to return to Derval."

"To Derval?" I mumbled, "but ... you will be back soon, won't you?"

Her voice was audibly subdued as she replied, "I am afraid to say that I have no intention of returning to Fanelia anytime soon."

Her voice wavered, and her usually composed demeanor suddenly crumpled. Tears started running down her cheeks, soon turning into little torrents. Apparently startled, she pressed her slender hands to her trembling lips, and I was left staring at her incredulously. A striking golden signet on her left ring finger caught my eye before I perceived that her eyes kept searching for mine, begging me to leave at once. There was nothing left to do for me but to obey, readily, but confused. I practically ran from the room, clomped down the stairs and passed the guards on my way out of the front door.

**T**he cool night air welcomed me and caressed my heated face soothingly. My heart was beating madly. Something about the whole appearance of the princess had seemed wrong, twisted. Her infatuation for Van had been so strong that I couldn'd find a reason for her to leave so suddenly, and so reluctant to return quickly as well. Maybe the marriage had been postponed until the culprit behind the last attack would have been caught? Knowing Van, I found that he was very likely to act as such. This might also account for the broken heart the princess obviously suffered under, as she had never been able to leave Van for long.

However, I was positive that there had to be more to it. During our conversation something crucial had occurred, something important that I seemed to have missed completely. I couldn't help pondering her words over and over again. It had become apparent that both of us thought the other to be in a more advantageous position than herself; Stiliani's obvious despair had told me that much. So if she was still engaged to Van, why should she distress?

I found that the feeling of pity for Stiliani slightly unsettled me. Technically, she was my adversary in a fight which both of us took seriously, because it affected both our lives in an important aspect. We both loved Van, and neither of us would let go. Keeping this in mind, I should feel glad that she suffered from jelousy as much as I did. In spite of that, I didn't. For once, her perfect façade had broken down and allowed me to catch a glimpse at the vulnerable young woman who was hidden behind the mask, the woman with who I had more in common than I ever thought possible. We both loved the same man, and, knowing how it felt to suffer from heartache, her obvious pain didn't leave me unaffected.

Minutes later I reached the camp, still musing, when a delicious scent started wafting around me, effectively taking away my ability to think logically. Deciding that it was not my responsibility to worry about Stiliani's love life I decided to drop the subject for the remainder of the evening. I had Van's love, while Stiliani had his hand; we were par. Plus, none of us had direct access to the object of our desires at the moment, as we were both miles away from Fanelia, so there was no need to fix anything right now. Meruru's shrill voice reached my ear, and I found myself relax gradually. With considerable effort I managed to push away my thoughts about Stiliani for once and went over to the fireside where a large cauldron held my well-deserved meal. Dinner time!

* * *

**C**ontrary to its action-packed beginning, the rest of our journey passed fairly uneventful. I won't say that it passed quietly, because it was never quiet wherever Meruru happened to be around!

We crossed the Forest of Adom, which, in smack centre, hosted the spot to which those of the cat-people had retreated, who had been lucky enough to survive the string of assaults committed by either the Zaibach army or agitated human mobs.

I was pretty much up to scratch about Meruru's personal history and knew which kind of hardships the vast majority of her people had to endure. According to their nature, cat people always used to settle far away from densely populated regions, seeking solitude and silence; therefore the townsfolks didn't know much about their circumstances of living. Well, ignorance leaves a lot to one's own imagination, and most people tend to thinking the worst as soon as others are concerned, especially those who are part of a kind of minority. Bad rumours about neko people had soon spread amongst the human population, resulting in a very bad reputation which stuck like glue not only to the members of the tribe, but also to all those who kept socializing with members of said minority.

The Zaibach empire, making dire use of the tense relationship between the cat people and the townspeople, had then executed regular raids and pogroms among the neko tribes. They had been careful to appear as if they acted on behalf of the Fanelian government, thus torpedoing all bilateral relations between the two peoples which had once been allies. The downfall of the Zaibach Empire enabled Van to heal many wounds and overcome many trenches, but unfortunately, the loss of the nekos' trust wasn't one of them. They remained withdrawn from the rest of the Fanelian society, and the mutual mistrust between both groups was a soil on which slogans like those of the Anti-Royalist terrorists were able to prosper.

**T**his was the situation in which Meruru and I, along with a small band of companions, slowly approached the cat tribe's territory. I was positive that the cat people would not be too eager to welcome us, as we were representing a government by which they felt betrayed. We would have to tread very carefully to carry out our investigation, let alone regain the nekos' trust. Being alert was everything, as we couldn't figure out how the cat people would react to our presence.

A rustle of leaves made me jump and look up. The scout had returned, hopefully being able to supply us with news on the position of the village. He hurried over to Meruru and quietly talked to her for several minutes, while the rest of our group waited tensely, on the watchout for any sign of attack. The cat woman urged her horse to turn around and lifted one of her hands. Absolute silence covered us like a blanket.

"I just received word that the village is heavily guarded, "she announced, casting a sharp look around. "In order to avoid complications, I will proceed to the village alone. An approach with a whole pack of human warriors will most probably cause them to feel attacked, so I ask you to stay put and don't do anything daring. I won't have any of you trying to act the hero and thus jeopardize our mission, or else I will cut this person to ribbons, d'you get that?"

An affirmative murmur answered her question, and the fact that nobody ventured to laugh at her snubby expressions was giving proof of the tension that had settled amongst us. Satisfied, she cast us another piercing glance, turned her beast around and disappeared behind the shrubbery.

I had the feeling that it took her an eternity to return to our group. However, when she finally did, she had good news. The neko people had accepted her cause and were ready to admit our group to their village.

**W**e set off immediately, and about half an hour later we stood in front of the small settlement where we were welcomed by a pack of surly and hostile-looking warriors. It caught me by surprise to see that they were exclusively female, but I didn't dare ask Meruru about it. They surrounded us and silently led us to the centre of their village.

We followed their leader, a sturdy, gray furred woman, around a long flat building and entered what was most probably a gathering place, because I got the impression that practically the whole population of the neko tribe had assembled there to cast hateful looks at us. In the middle of the crowd, a most peculiar-looking female awaited us.

She seemed to be old, but her erect pose and her feline features made it difficult to guess her exact age. The fact that she was dressed in ornate robes, wore feather-adorned headgear and carried a staff which was decorated with the skull of a bird-like creature, I reckoned she had to be a leader figure. My presentiment proved to be right as Meruru signalled for us to get off our horses, slowly advanced on the woman and bowed deeply.

In reaction to Meruru's submissive gesture, the woman inclined her head lightly and motioned for her to get up. Our leader glanced around at us and made an impatient gesture as to cause us to mimick her behaviour. We obeyed immediately, and the current tension reclined, if only for a little bit.

"**C**hieftainess Adele," Meruru piped up, "as appointed Royal Coroner it is my duty to carry on a formal investigation amongst your people referring to an assault which had been taken out against the Fanelian King six weeks ago. Your people is being supposed to be able to offer testimony on the one person who is suspected to have committed the deed. I therefore respectfully beg you to allow the immediate execution of my mission on your village grounds. I may add that we would like to assure you of our purely peaceful intentions with respect to your tribe. His Majesty, Lord Van de Fanel, had explicitely expressed his wish of rebuilding the friendship which had once united both our peoples. Please accept our outstretched hands."

Disapproving murmurs and hisses came from the surrounding mass of cat-people, and some even raised their fists into our direction. My insides gave an unpleasant lurch. If the neko decided to attack us right now, we wouldn't stand a chance. There wouldn't be much left over of us...

The chieftainess, however, spread out her arms, and the noises momentarily ceased.

"Lady Meruru de Fanel," she replied with a hoarse, throaty voice, "it is not our intention to hinder the course of your investigation, as we were, and still are, loyal subjects to the Fanelian king. I hereby give you permission to carry out the necessary examinations on our property. My people will be encouraged to cooperate. I am sure, though, that you will understand, and consent to, certain... security measures."

At this, the woman stopped and gave us all a piercing glare. Meruru lowered her head in anticipation.

"As you know," the chieftainess continued, "our people were submitted to grave persecutions from the quarter of the human inhabitants of Fanelia. Your appearance is very likely to stir up long-forgotten feelings of fear amongst some of our villagers. Please try to avoid any provocations. Whenever a person does not wish to answer your questions, I ask you not to press the matter further, thus avoiding any incident. I also request that you drop all weapons; you may deposit them in Council Hut, where they will be guarded by some of my most reliable warriors."

Again, Meruru nodded, thanked the woman and gestured us to do as we had been told. Although it became very clear that our guards were very reluctant to take off their armour and weaponry, a sharp glance of our feline leader was enough to overcome their resistance at once. Weaponry and Armour were being disposed of, and our group left to set up our camp on the outskirts of the village.

**W**hile building my very own tent once more (which, as I had only completed the task twice, still presented a difficult task!), I pondered over the progress Meruru had made over the years. It was incredible how mature the cat-girl had become. I had already marvelled at her womanly figure, but also her behaviour had changed a good deal. True, she was still aggressive, irritable and had a big mouth. On the other hand, by moving away to Astoria and creating a life of her own, she appeared to have completely lost her fixation on Van. The way she handled this expedition proved that she had thrown away her playful, gushy carelessness and had instead taken over responsibility, thus making her friendship even more valuable. How I wished she would trust me again!

I gave the canvas another sharp tug, pounded the last peg into the soft ground and stepped back a few metres. With a critical look I convinced myself that, no, the tent was not going to collapse onto my head in the course of the night before I finally plunked to the ground with a sigh. I decided to go and look for Meruru. Now was maybe a good time to talk to her.

After half an hour of searching I found her sitting under one of the huge trees which surrounded our campsite, looking somewhat dejected. She didn't seem in the mood for small talk, but I decided to adress her nontheless. There were some things that bothered me; maybe she would be able to help me figure out answers to at least some of my pressing questions.

"**E**r... Meruru?" I began, and she lifted her head, a broad frown decorating her forehead.

"What is it?" she barked.

"I was wondering whether you could explain some things to me? It's just that I want to avoid any kind of blunder..."

She encouraged me to speak on with the curtest of nods, and I blurted out, "Aren't there any men in the village?"

For a split secon she looked at me, flabbergasted. The a sly grin crept over her features, causing me to utter a relieved sigh. Maybe my question really was stupid... but anything that got her into a better mood was considered fair game.

"So, "she drawled out, "you didn't pay attention to your HISTORY lessons? Clever Kanzaki Hitomi didn't know that the neko people are a MATRIARCHAL society?" She didn't need to say more, because I had already started fuming.

"No, I didn't," I quipped, "but maybe I should have known. There is no other way you could have become so bitchy and dictatorial. I guess it just runs in your blood!"

She jumped up and yowled, "I am WHAT?! Better watch your MOUTH, bitch!"

**H**er scrunched up countenace, flashing eyes and threatening posture reminded me so much of the Meruru I had known earlier that I suddenly felt an irresistible urge to laugh. Soon the first snicker bubbled up from my throat, and seconds later I was clutching my stomach in gales of laughter.

It took me some moments to recover. My anxious glance at the cat-woman's reaction assured me that she had not taken my laughter personally, because she was smiling mischievously.

"I'm sorry," I gasped, "you just had that hilarious look on your face. I recognized it from back when you were little!"

She arched her eyebrow questioningly and I added, "D'you remember when Moleman stole your sweets? You used to wear just the same expression."

Her eyes went blank for a moment before she smiled in reminiscence.

"GODS," she meowed, "I was so MAD at him. I still am, though, We cats NEVER forget." A moment of silence passed.

"**M**eruru," I asked quietly, suddenly serious, "is this the reason why the cat-people wouldn't accept our friendship anymore? I mean, they won't even accept YOU. They treated you like a beggar. You're a member of their tribe, for crying out loud!"

I was so preoccupied with my rambling that I nearly missed her soft interjection.

"I'm not!" she whispered.

"Huh?" I mumbled. „But..."

„According to their laws, I am a renegade," she went on soberly. "I left their tribe the moment in which King Goau and his wife adopted me. They only view me as another annoying member of the Royal family, another traitor."

"But..." I stuttered again, "they can't seriously have expected you to refuse King Goau's offer to take you in! You were only a toddler when your parents were killed, how could they have expected you to survive on your own?"

"You can't understand it," she muttered with a subdued voice, " because you have never suffered persecution the way they had. In their eyes I had connected myself to the enemy. In a case like mine, survivors were expected to turn to another neko family for help. I shouldn't have left with HUMANS."

Silence fell on us. After some moments, she added, "I knew that rule perfectly well, but I didn't care. King Goau was so kind, and there was Van, too, so I figured I would go with them. I didn't think about the consequences, and, frankly, I have never found it in me to actually repent what I did."

Her shoulders shook, and I hurried to rub her back reassuringly. She looked up, and I saw immediately that she was not crying. She was laughing, if only bitterly.

"Funny, huh?" she asked with a defiant snort, "they were right. I AM a deserter in the right sense of the meaning. And it doesn't even upset me. I don't even FEEL like a neko. A few moments ago I though about how ANNOYING these cat-people can sometimes be. Isn't that brilliant?!"

I had to admit that I was slightly frightened. Even her voice sounded different, as she didn't stress words like she usually did. I wasn't quite sure whether her snotty attitude was real or just a mask hiding her sadness, so I patted her arm awkwardly and made an attempt to lighten up the general mood.

"I think you made the right decision, Meruru. Imagine what we would have done in this situation without your help. Imagine what VAN would have done without you!"

**S**he flashed me a feral grin. "Yeah, you're right on. He would have been HELPLESS. Can you believe that he wouldn't even know he LOVED you if it weren't for ME?" The meaning of her cocky reply made me blush fiercely, and a cackle gave proof that this was exactly what she had intended.

"You know," she jeered, "I LOVE upsetting you. I love how you get all FIDGETY and self-conscious. I think I might stay in Fanelia a little bit LONGER just to watch you making a FOOL of yourself." Cheeks still burning, I retaliated likewise.

"Yeah, and d'you know what? I think I will definitely enjoy your next encounter with Her Royal Highness, Princess 'Perfect' Stiliani of Derval. I hope you bother her as much as you used to bother me." A threatening glance accompanied her contemptuous reply.

"Don't you DARE mention that fucking girl! She CAN'T have Van; you know that as well as I do. Remember that I told you to set it all RIGHT again? I'll HOLD you to that!"

We continued bickering in the same way for a couple of minutes until the messenger returned, announcing that dinner was ready. Together we set off for the camp, and if it weren't for the difficult task we were heading to, I might have started to actually enjoy our trip. True, Van was far away, and my prospects concerning him were none too optimistic, but at least I had Meruru back. One should always consider the bright side of everything, and that was what I was resolved of doing.

* * *

_to be continued ..._

* * *

_and now for something completely different (i don't own monty python ...), and as always, in the order of appearance (just imagine my face flushing with pride!):_

_**akai chou:** thanks for not hating stiliani ... sniff ...by the way, ever since the beginning you actually reviewed every freakin' chapter (and every single review made me feel so proud)!!! whew, thank you! you rock!_

_**Inda:** i knew you'd like meruru ! this is how i kept her in mind ever since i watched the series a year ago. she was bubbly, kinda rude, and her german seiyuu had a hilarious voice ...just like i described it, a nagging, high-pitched wail, and she kept stressing words on a regular basis. she was brilliant! whenever i read about meruru or write dialogues featuring her, i always hear this voice in my inner ear. _

_**Kintora:** don't bother, you won't find any clue. i didn't give any. can't have you discovering all my little secret twists i am still planning!!! as for the fluff: i LOVE fluff. later there will be saccharine-sweet chapters that will leave you gagging from fluff suffocation. however, we're not there yet. this story is goin to be longer than i usually planned it. my brain keeps running away with even more ideas. help!_

_**Solo:** nah, don't cry ...it's not that bad, is it? or should i send my beloved stiliani to cheer you up?! sorry if i can't update more frequently, i have a life besides fic-writing, too (as incredible as this sounds ...)!_

_**egwene105:** ... and how does your mood have to be to purposely submit yourself to such a weird, twisted, angsty, cruel plot?! tell me, i need to know!_

_**Charsimma:** you are right ... after you mentioned it i realized that stiliani yet IS sorta two-dimensional. might be resulting from the fact that i originally planned her to be just a little distraction. during writing, her role extended even more, and finally i kinda grew on her. this is why i decided to entrust her with an important mission, so you will have the pleasure to meet her again. thanks to that, i will have to elaborate her role; turn her from a 'type' into a 'character' ... darn ...thanks for pointing that out!_

_**Spirit0:** my, and you fried your eyes even more just to give me such a wonderfully long and elaborate review ... man, i am touched ...i really am. i know what you are talking about, though. i fried my eyes once, too. i found a story (which is still one of my all-time-favourites!) and read all of the 48 (!) chapters in one single day. to be told that i actually managed to get on eof my readers to do it with MY story makes me so proud ...as for the high rating, i found out that has a very strict policy about ratings, and i didn't want to risk my story being removed, 'coz i only post it here. i figured that suicide might be too heavy a topic for a rating lower than 'r'. plus, my new plot will definitely include at least one 'r' - rated scene later on. i'll put a warning in it, so if you feel uncomfortable with 'heavier' scenes, you might skip it. anyway, thanks for putting the fic on your 'favourites'-list. i feel honoured._

_**Kyoko de Fanel: **yeah, i bet van had more than one flashback. he just happens to stumble into such scenes out of pure bad luck, just because he is so caring as to look for hitomi again ...awww! i simply couldn't resist. i try to insert as many 'flashbacks' to the series as i possibly can, because i want this to be a real continuation. which means i have to solve unsolved problems (one of which is allen). i hate unsolved questions! and i hate open endings! 'escaflowne' must have been made especially for me ... raarrrrr ..._

_**Sesshyz Koishii:** who's the weirdo? am i? is it van? d'you mean allen?! aren't we all just a little bit weirdo? _

_**Hearts of Eternity:** once again, hands off stiliani !!! and hands off me !!! if you boil me in hot chocolate, i won't be able to finish, and you won't have your happy ending ...blaaaahhh!_

_**jade:** thanks! i am already afraid of the day that will find the last chapter finished ...how am i going to occupy myself ...?!_

_**Nightheart: **wheee! i love reviews which actually give technical comments on the story! as i started writing i seriously thought that there might be more reviewers who'd actually help improve my writing skills by correcting mistakes, pointing out uneven transitions or criticizing characters. it's true, i also love hearing that people like my stories, but unfortunately getting constructive criticizm is often limited to my betas. thank you!_


	9. Glow

_I'm baaack! yeah, i know, i 'promised' not to post anything before i'ld have finished my revision. sometimes even the best of us have to eat our words. since ryry took a month off to perform a frighteningly difficult task and since i found myself in such a bad mood that i desperately had to blow off steam...i couldn't help writing another chapter in spite of what i told you before._

_what you all told me about 'slash' and 'mary sue' got me thinking. there's a bug in my head telling me to give both of them a try. i love crazy plots! as soon as 'colours' is finished, i will most probably try my hand at a story which is both mary sue and slash, and it's all your fault!_

_some remarks concerning stiliani got me thinking as well. there are a lot more supporters by now, and since i took this as an inducement to extend her character, i was wondering whether someone might want to try sketching her. if i ever have some spare time, i will. maybe someone else will, too?_

_oh, and if you want, check out the eries-ficlet i wrote for the writing challenge on_

_once again, three cheers to my beta, ryry, who did, and is still doing, an incredible job on my fic so far. thank you!_

**_before we continue with 'colours', let me once again give you a warning: i was pissed off when i wrote this. consequently, the chapter is dark and gory. people who are easily offended by matters like death or violence are strongly advised not to read it. you have been warned. _**

**_i don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. the chieftainess and the neko warriors, however, are my creations, as well as the plot, so please no plagiarism. if you find any language mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them._**

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 9

**Glow**

_

* * *

"**E**xcuse me, madam, may I ask you a few questions?"_"xcuse me, madam, may I ask you a few questions?" 

SLAM!

The door of the young cat woman Meruru was on the point of talking to closed vigorously, making my companion jerk back her head for fear of having her nose squashed to a pulp. I lowered my head resignedly. Chieftainess Adele had authorized us to ask questions all right, but this neko obviously wasn't in the mood to give any answers. According to Adele's conditions, we had to leave it at that.

Rolling her eyes, Meruru gave an exasperated sigh. "Looks like her King-Van-Fanclub membership expired," she meowed angrily. "Dammit, is there ANYBODY in this fucking stinking hole who actually wants to contribute to our investigation?!"

I immediately recognized her question as rhetorical and didn't reply. Two days after our arrival in the village of the cat people, the atmosphere was still tense.

We turned around, only to see a teenage boy scrambling out of an open door and snatching a toddler out of our way, anxiously trying to hide the kitten from our view.

Actually 'tense' would be a euphemism.

Two days after our arrival in the village of the cat people, the atmosphere was stifling.

Our ambitious investigation was dying on the branch. Since the majority of people was reluctant to even speak to any of us, let alone offer any piece of information, we were not able to connect the neko tribe to the anti royalist movement. On the other hand the hostility we were usually greeted with didn't allow us to acquit the neko of all charges like Meruru would have liked to; some of the opinions openly uttered amongst our hosts strongly resembled those proclaimed by said group.

Frankly speaking, we were in a dilemma. Neither of us planned on returning to Fanelia without results. However, the thought of staying with villagers - who apparently felt provoked by our mere presence - until we figured out anything didn't appeal to me as well.

Luckily the decision on what to do was not up to me.

**T**his idea caused me to look up. The person I was thinking about had already set off, trudging to the left side of our path where another dwelling was visible behind a clump of bushes. I made up my mind to follow Meruru and shuffled after her, not keen on visiting another house and being rejected for the umpteenth time today, when she suddenly turned around with a frown.

"Hurry up, will you?" she complained, turned around and scurried towards the backside of the low building where our path was supposed to lead to an entrance door.

Neko houses were clearly giving testimony of the respective inhabitants' wish for individuality. Each hut was placed in the middle of a small lawn, granting its owner as much distance from potential neighbours as possible, and each of the dwellings was erected in its owner's unique style. In a way, the houses resembled snowflakes, there wasn't an identical pair to be found.

Hence our difficulties in finding the door...

Meruru's words sparked my already explosive mood, and with a few quick steps I was back at her side. "Listen, Ms. Kitty, I didn't throw the door into your face, so there's no need to be pissed at me."

"Yes, there is," was her snotty answer. "YOU wanted to accompany ME, so stop whining when things get difficult. I NEED someone to vent my anger on, and it's YOUR job to be available for it."

She turned around the corner, leaving me speechless. I knew she was in a bad mood, but this surmounted everything I ever expected. Any incentive would be sure to cause her to explode. I decided to swallow my pride and keep a low profile for a while; Meruru's wrath was deadly.

**Q**uietly I snuck into a small yard, surrounded by several buildings. A cluster of cat people was already standing in its middle, eyeing the intruders with less than friendly expressions.

Unfazed by the open hostility that shone out of their eyes, Meruru stalked towards them, straightened up and rattled off her standard introduction.

"My name is Meruru de Fanel and I have been appointed Royal Coroner by the Fanelian King, Mylord Van de Fanel. My duty is to find people who were by any means involved in the assaults the Fanelian Court had been submitted to in the last weeks and to discover the background of these crimes. The culprits will be put under Fanelian jurisdiction for attempted murder, manslaughter, battery, fire-raising and causing of a riot. I pray you to support my investigation by offering any information on the incidents you have and to ..."

She interrupted herself when one of the surrounding cat people made a rude gesture, causing several of the young men and women to snicker. Meruru frowned, but decided to ignore the disturber. She took a deep breath and started to resume her lecture.

"As I already said, I ask you to give testimony on whatever you think is related to the attacks. Any help will secure my immediate gratefulness and Mylord Van's..."

"**W**hy should we?" a man shut her off with a clear voice.

Slightly confused, Meruru and I whipped around to take a look at the offender. A short, sturdy male in the prime of his life glanced back at us fearlessly and repeated, "Why should we help you?"

My companion puffed up with indignance and my gut feeling flared up. This was not good. I had a bad presentiment.

"Excuse me?" the cat woman asked peevishly, "do you need a reason for helping put criminals under arrest?"

Her opponent smiled, but his smile was not fit to inspire confidence. In fact, I took it as a kind of menacing smirk. From behind me, a slight chuckle was audible and my insides started churning. My instincts were screaming at me to bolt.

The male neko finally answered her question. "Well, young lad," and, after a little pause turned into my direction as if he'd forgotten to mention me and gave a mock bow, "nah, sorry, I wanna say young... er... laddies... "A boy next to me scrunched up his nose and snorted in contempt. I felt sick.

"We all of us dun' mind helpin' catch criminals. Muggers, killers, we all get 'em. But yer king, we dun' owe anything. He's a damn bloody traitor, that's wha' he is. We dun' help traitors. An' we dun' give a fucking shit if summon wanna kill 'im." Appreciative murmurs followed his short speech and the circle closed behind us.

**O**ur escape exit was blocked. Subconsciously I closed the distance to Meruru and felt her shaking with suppressed anger. _Don't say anything, don't say anything at all _I silently chanted in my mind, trying with all my might to reach hers for soothing her already flaring temper. If she decided to act, I knew I had to expect something drastic, and who could guess what the nekos' reaction to this would be?

Frantically, I was wracking my mind for a solution to appease the inflamed minds, but, as the episode with the princess of Derval on our way had told me, diplomacy has never really been my strong side. My first encounter with the representative of a foreign nation had ended with a good slap in his face. It did account for the anxiety I felt at finding myself in such a dire situation that even the recollection of my first encounter with Van was not able to distract me like it usually did.

The man clucked his tongue impatiently and started to talk again, "By the way, lad ... er ... laddies ... we dun give a fucking shit about his family an raletions either, d'ye mark my words'?" With a meaningful glance at me he added, "or his... er... pets..." Again he made a suggestive gesture. A few of the younger men guffawed.

Once again, the cat woman next to me shivered and her paws curled into fists so hard that I heard her joints crackle. The man shifted his position, causing me to glance back at him.

Contrary to the imbecile grin edged on his face, his eyes were cold, a calculating look in them.

I understood at once. He was only acting as if he were insulted while waiting for one of us to lose her nerve and attack him. A quick glance around convinced me that his little act had proven to be effective enough as to provoke the rest of the group; hate and spite were already burning in their irises. I doubted that, in case they decided to take it out on us, we'd manage to get out of this alive. There was a fat chance that Meruru and I might end up clawed to tiny shreds.

Once again, I looked into the eyes of the man. A triumphant gleam told me that he was sure to succeed in his little scheme. The way he manipulated his audience frightened me and left no room for hope that we might get away unscathed. Was he part of a whole gang? Was this a long-planned plot courtesy of the anti royalist movement?

His expression disgusted me and I found myself unable to look away, forgetting what my biology teacher told me about never staring felines directly into their eyes. The next incident happened too fast for me to realize what it was.

**H**ad one of the bystanders made an uncautious movement? Had the man felt challenged by my scrutiny? In any way, I rather felt than saw his hands whizzing past my face, and it was only seconds later that I realized he had hit me. My cheek throbbed and his claws had left burning trails on my skin.

For a moment I stared at him unbelievingly before Meruru took over. As quickly as a flash she grabbed my arm, pushed me aside and maneuvered herself in front of me, shielding me from potential assaults.

"How dare you attack a member of the Royal family?" she growled, eyes flashing furiously. "And how do you dare speak about King Van in such an insolent way?! If it weren't for him, Zaibach would have fried your stinking skins years ago!!! He saved your sorry asses from certain doom, and this is how you repay him for his sacrifice?"

Ouch. Although I didn't have much experience in the diplomatic sector I could tell that this was not the cleverest of all possible responses to a challenge, and I felt like sinking into oblivion. An icy silence spread amongst our group at once. Meruru stared hard at her opponents, challenging them to contradict her, while I was watching the surrounding persons stiffen.

I closed my eyes, desperately trying to think of a way out of our situation, but my mind was filled with whirling fog. 'Please', I silently begged, 'get me out of here. Make this idiot go away!' The irrisistable urge to make the man choke on his own words was dacing in my mind, causing me difficulties to concentrate.

**A** strange tingling sensation grasped my body. A slowly pulsating ball of light appeared before my inner eye which seemed to suck the strength out of my bones within seconds. In a weak attempt I pushed it away; I felt nauseous and strangely peaceful. Just when I thought I'd drop to the floor, the crowd gasped and I was forced to open my eyes again.

What I saw then made my blood freeze in my veins. Our opponent, the sturdy cat man, started at me with empty eyes, then wavered and sunk to the floor. His eyes remained fixed on my face with an expression of utter horror and fear, and he was clutching at his throat.

"Leave me alone," he demanded with a rapidly faltering voice, "witch. Leave me ... urgh" He gasped, toppled over and fell on his face where he remained motionless. The crowd moaned, their gazes oscillating between the still form of their comrade and me.

I immediately recognized what had happened. Someone had suffocated him by blocking his breathing passage, and the only person remotely capable of such a manipulation was... me. I, the healer, had manipulated this man's life energy and thus maybe killed him!

Sometimes even the best of us have to eat their words. How I wished now I could take back my previous hateful thoughts against this man!

I heard Meruru swear under her breath. "Shit," she murmured like a mantra, "shit, shit, shit."

I had to agree. My capability to get myself into ticklish situations by using mental powers I didn't know I had once more proved to be more than consistent.

Her whispered word had not yet faded before hell broke loose.

**I**t all happened in a flurry of bodies and talons. Without warning, several lithe bodies flew throught the air towards Meruru and me, and I heard the cat woman's surprised moan when she was tackled to the ground by three neko. Someone grabbed my arm and I felt myself flung to the side like a rag doll, stumbled and fell. The instant in which my ass touched down, a huge shadow crossed my line of vision. I heard an angry hiss as a body hit the floor at my feet. One of the neko, a young woman, gingerly got to her knees and shook her head dizzily. Her fur was tinted in a soft gray and I recognized her face as familiar; she had been one of the guards who'd taken us to the chieftainess on the day of our arrival.

Someone stumbled back and nearly stepped onto her, and she reacted by a flinch and a tiny whimper. Instinctively I turned towards her in order to help her to her feet, but, without warning, she slashed at my outstretched hand. I stared at her, shocked, while she bared her teeth in a menacing gesture and gave another low hiss.

"Filthy, stinking human whore," she seethed, "don't you dare touch me, or I'll bite off your traitorous hand." Once again she drew back her right hand and I couldn't help notice that she wore bugnucks to artificially elongate her claws.

I could tell that she was absolutely serious, and after analyzing my situation I came to the conclusion that there were only very few options available for me. Either I had to fight her back or allow her to tear me apart limb by limb. I could also try to flee ...

Attempting to remember some of my self-defence classes, I kept moving backwards and out of the centre of the group. Maybe I'd be able to run to Adele or alert one of the soldiers we'd taken with us. Sure, they had been forced to discard their weapons, but even in their unarmed state one of them might be of help anyway, as we were hopelessly outnumbered.

Slowly I started retreating from my fierce opponent, step by step, while the young warrior still followed suit, watching my every move with beady eyes and outstretched claws. She left no doubt that she'd attack at the slightest mistake I made.

I heard Meruru yell something, and subconsciously I cast an anxious look around for my companion. A few youngsters were holding her in cardiac arrest, and she was wildly thrashing around in a futile attempt to free herself. I instantly forgot about my own situation and rushed to help her --

A flash of claws crossed my vision. This time my opponent had touched the tip of my nose, and it hurt like hell. I realized that blood was oozing out of the scratch and cursed inwardly, calling myself to attention and trying to calm my frantic heartbeat. This had been a close shot, and if I didn't want to lose one of my eyes, I would have to remain alert.

"Why do you do that?" I croaked desperately, "why can't you just let us go?"

Instead of answering, the warrior drew back her hand, causing me once again to recoil.

When I least expected it, I suddenly stumbled over something behind me. My heart skipped a beat as I was wildly rowing with my arms, attempting to regain my balance. Needless to say that I failed, and all my coherent thoughts fled as I fell to the floor.

The impact of the fall winded me. While gasping for air, I tried to wrap my arms around my head to protect it from possible blows, but a hand grabbed my arm and roughly yanked me to my feet. It was another glaring warrior who unceremoniously smacked me before pushing me back into the arms of her comrade, who caught me and uttered a triumphant cry.

At once a small flock of cat people gathered around us and started pushing me around, occasionally hitting or kicking me as if I was a beanie bag. I didn't know what they had in store for me, but somehow I didn't care anymore. I started to feel dizzy and only wanted to lay down and die.

**U**nfortunately for me, this was the only thing that I was not allowed to do.

Since I had promised to never give my pathetic self up, I would have to keep fighting, come what may.

The mere idea of fighting against a whole herd of warriors was ridiculous. Plus, the fact that I was barely able to stand upright only added to the ridicule. My vision was slightly blurred, and my fuzzy consciousness recognized a mild concussion, but I still had to do my best.

Once again a boot-clad foot met one of my knees, and pain shot through my nerves like fire. At first I wanted to curse mindlessly, but a sudden flash of inspiration hit me before I could open my mouth. My idea generated from an impulse of distress, but I immediately resolved to give it a shot.

Another blow drove me to the right where the silver haired neko warrior stood. She lifted one of her feet, obviously intending to slam it into the hollow of my knee, and I instantly seized the opportunity.

Using the momentum the last shove had given me, I stumbled forward and ran smack against her. Due to the fact that she was only standing on one leg, she consequently lost balace and we crashed to the floor. A nasty snap resounded in my ears, and her howl of pain indicated that she had been seriously hurt during the incident.

The rest of the group froze, so I quickly got up and started to hobble away, hoping against hope that neither of the warriors would be able to overcome the moment of surprise too fast. I looked around frantically to search for a possible hiding place; of course it would be stupid to think that I might be able to escape them in my current condition.

Meruru was nowhere to be seen and hopefully had been able to get away. I wasn't as stupid as to ignore that I, not her, had been the main target of the attacks. Whatever happened to the sturdy man, it was clear that the neko blamed ME for it and were intent on avenging their comrade. I couldn't pretend that I had nothing to do with the incident, but I sure as hell didn't want to be beaten to death because of it...

The house Meruru and I had been planning to visit materialized in my line of vision. If I could but reach it before any of my suitors caught me, I'd be safe. With clenched teeth I made step after step while I was continually approaching the door. I ran the last steps and stretched out my hand to the door knob when it suddenly opened and a large group of neko warriors poured out of it.

Alas, the gods were not partial to me. Of course I changed my direction at once, but soon I found myself surrounded by at least twenty warrior women whose faces were scrunched up in apparent fury. Especially the gray furred girl I had thrown over had now reached me and was looking positively livid. Her right arm was dangling limply from her shoulder and I figured it had to be broken or at least dislocated.

"I'll kill you, traitor" she screeched and advanced menacingly, her eyes aglow and her artificial claws glinting in the dim light. With a single leap she was standing before me, crowding me against the wall of the little building, and rose her left fist. The predatory gleam in her irises told me that she was hell-bent on killing me.

A flash of metal was racing towards my stomach with brute force and I closed my eyes. This time it was really over.

A yell, followed by a gruesome ripping noise, echoed over the lawn, and something heavy thumped against my chest. Although I'd planned to leave my eyes shut, I had to open them as I heard someone give a pained groan.

A small body was leaning against me and begun to slowly sink to the floor. It was covered in blood. Too much blood. And it belonged to Meruru.

* * *

**S**houts and shuffling noises were indicating that the fight continued, but the sounds arrived in my ear strangely muffled. My knees had given way; I was sitting on my haunches before the limp body of the young cat woman who was lying motionlessly before me in a pool of blood. My lips were moving, but no voice came out.

Meruru.

She was in a bad way. The bugnucks hit her right in the middle of her stomach and tore through her skin like a hot knife through butter. Her wound was bleeding so much that her clothes were already soaked and the puddle on the floor grew quickly. Maybe the liver had been cut... The physician in my head passionlessly stated that one of her primary blood vessels must have been injured as well, because the blood was oozing out of the wound in regular gushes. Her face was pale, and if the shock would not kill her before the loss of blood did, she'd be dead within minutes.

Only slowly realization began to sink in. She must have jumped into the way of the deadly strike that was aimed at me. Heaven knows where she had been the whole time and out of which direction she'd come from, but she was there on time to save my life and sacrifice hers instead.

Meruru was going to die, she was going to die because of me...

The world had become strangely quiet. Hot liquid started to well in my eyes, pooling on my lower lids and gliding down my cheeks.

"Idiot," I screamed, but only a hoarse whisper rolled off my tongue.

A pair of pale green eyes locked with mine; I flinched at the sight of death within her irises, but even more at the sight of her smile. She moved her lips and I had to stoop down to be able to understand her whisper.

"You're... the idiot...," she breathed, "can't let... die..." She closed her eyes for a moment and I panicked.

"Don't you die on me, "I whispered and touched her cold hand, "I can't ever face Van again if I let you die on me!" Her fingers twitched and applied light pressure on mine.

"Fool, "she murmured, "Van needs YOU." She opened her vibrant eyes once more and added weakly, "love him for all ... you're ... worth... " At this, her eyes fell close and her grip on my hand loosened.

"Meruru, "I hissed, tears openly streaming down my face, "don't! Meruru!" She gave no response. The blood was still running out of her gashes, so she had to be alive, but only barely. How much blood can a person lose without dying? And how much guilt can a person carry in her life?

I had to do something. Anything.

"**M**eruru," I whispered again, "I'm gonna save you. You can't just die and give me a guilt trip for the rest of my life, d'you hear me?" Automatically my mind started searching for her life energy. Hitomi, the dreamer, retreated and Hitomi, the physician, took charge.

A thin thread of light appeared in front of my inner eye. It was fading rapidly, but is was still visible. I took a deep breath and let my eyes drift close. My mental fingers touched the thread and followed its course to the centre of her soul. Subconsiously my lips formed coherent words.

Fight.

Stay.

Live.

The vibrating orb pulsated in smack centre of her essence, and I immediately recognized her aura. She had a personality that was much too stubborn to let go easily, a too strong will to just surrender to death; I had to remind myself that she did have everything I didn't. Contrary to the young boy I'd healed back in Fanelia, Meruru had a strong mind, but was instead suffering from severe physical damage.

The only thing I had to do was canalize her mental strength into the right direction to spur her forces of self-preservation. The healer in me knew that the human body had extraordinary mechanisms of survival, and all that healers needed to do was support and direct the healing powers within.

And this is what I did. I didn't think once about what I was planning to do. I didn't bear in mind that only the most advanced healers are capable of executing the necessary exercises needed for such a treatment. I certainly didn't waste a thought on the fact that inexperienced physicians like me were most likely to kill their patients by inflicting mental in addition to the already existing bodily injuries, and I didn't bear in mind that I had so far done little more than diagnose and treat minor psychic disorders.

Oh, I knew the theory all right. Only the theory.

If I had stopped for a moment and thought about what danger I was putting Meruru under, I would most probably have been terrified of myself.

However, all I knew was that I had to help her. I had to save her, because I couldn't bear the idea of telling Van that his adopted sister had been killed because of me and that I had let her down.

All strength drained from my limbs as I focussed totally on the cat woman's life energy. My powers connected with her system, blocking certain blood vessels and paralyzing particular nerves, while my hands started moving on their own accord, mending veins, tissue and muscle. From time to time I nudged her willpower into a new direction, forcing her body to produce cells and haematocytes for means of mending the ripped flesh and to edge on and stabilize her heartbeat against the symptoms of shock she was suffering under.

I lost track of time and surroundings while her body became a puzzle that my schooled mind had to compose, piece by piece, minute by minute, carefully and diligently. Someone placed a medical kit at my side and my fingers were automatically closing around instruments and bandaging material.

I was so immersed in my task that I didn't even see the bloody sparks which started dancing in front of my eyes as time went on, and which were the first harbingers of exhaustion. Finally, the amount of psychic strength needed to maintain the state of absolute concentration took its toll. I didn't even realize what occurred to me when a thick, grey cloud rose into my view and swallowed me up in a darkness in which there were no sounds and no light.

I lost consciousness.

* * *

**A** calm, slightly hoarse voice rang in my ear. Only slowly did my conscience separate from the night it had succumbed to. I opened my eyes and closed them again quickly before the flickering light was able to singe my pupils. According to the amount of difficulties I had in adapting to my surroundings, I must have been out cold for a long time. What happened?

A pair of tired, green eyes in a feline face appeared in front of my inner eye.

Meruru...

Did she...?

In my anxiousness about my friend's well-being I bolted up from my lair with a small cry. At once the world started turning around me, making me feel nauseous and empty-headed.

Someone chuckled.

"Whoah," the hoarse voice was saying, "careful, young lady. A whole night of being unconscious should not be taken too lightly." The formidable and slightly hunched figure of the chieftainess materialized before me, her face a mixture of amusement and worry.

"Meruru," I interrupted her with a still rasping voice, incapable of showing the least amount of most common civility, "how is she?"

A smile spread over her features, and before she even answered, I already knew that the young cat woman had survived. Weak with relief, I slumped back.

"Thank you," I murmured to nobody in particular. "What happened?"

The old neko sat down next to my prone body with a sigh. "This is what I would like to hear from you, young lady. From what I have heard, you are King Van's fiancée, and Lady Meruru is his sister. What is the real reason for high-ranked persons like you to visit our village?"

Her question was posed in a light voice, but I could sense the steel underneath. Once again, I had to tread carefully, because I had a feeling that my answer would be crucial to what happened next.

Skipping a very particular detail, I decided to answer sincerely once more.

"Meruru told you the truth, chieftainess. We are here solely for the purpose of finding the culprits behind the recent attacks. Although we are much aware of the inconveniences our visit imposes on your people, we do have an important reason to be here, or else we wouldn't demand your hospitality."

Adele narrowed her eyes in concentration and I hastily jumped to the piece of information that bothered me most of all.

"By the way, chieftainess, your source of information was not entirely correct. I am not King Van's fiancée. Meruru is the only member of the Royal family who is with us." Thinking quickly, I added, "May I see her, chieftainess? I'm dying to see if she's all right."

"That," the chieftainess cleared her throat, "you can't, I'm afraid" She watched my sagging jaw with an unfathomable expression before she continued on a softer tone, "she needs her rest, and so do you, young lady."

I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. I guess I still felt threatened and insecure about any of the neko, even about their chieftainess.

With a small smile, Adele continued, "But let me assure you that she is in a safe place, guarded by my most capable warriors and watched over by my humble self."

The mention of warriors caused me to stiffen again. The image of the silver-haired guard with her bugnucks started dancing in my head.

The old cat woman seemed to sense my discomfort and its source, because she cleared her throat again and began thus, "Rest assured that none of my people is going to harm her. I vouch with my life for her well-being."

I was not too convinced about that, but I nodded all the same. As I was her guest, and greatly indebted to her as well for taking care of Meruru for the time that I was unconscious, I at least had to be as civil as not to express my mistrust openly. In any way, I was resolved to find out more. If someone had not stopped the fighting, I wouldn't be able to sit and chat with the chieftainess. I'd probably have been sent to Van in shreds, more like.

"**M**ay I ask," I began tentatively, "what had happened in the meantime? Meruru was attacked in the course of a riot directed against our leading the inquiry, and I had the feeling that the attack had been planned from the beginning. If so, why didn't the ringleaders continue until we were dead?"

The old woman flinched at my harsh words, but I had been nothing but honest. There was neither time nor opportunity for being courteous. She thought for a moment and then answered in a subdued voice, as if trying to conceal our conversation from somebody.

"Mylady Hitomi, it appears that the attack indeed had been planned. In order to prove my goodwill I will relate to you the recent events which led me to this conclusion, if you allow me so."

A sad smile fluttered in the corners of her mouth, and I held my breath. In a dry, clear voice and plain words she then started explaining the reasons behind the attacks.

Following a long line of attacks, persecutions and discriminating behaviour courtesy of humans, the neko ningen had mostly kept their distance to the rest of the Fanelian population. Only a few of them ever went to Fanelia City, and of course, some of them reported more repressions which fell on fertile grounds. Especially young people, such as many members of the warrior guild, who had never met any members of the human race, were easily stirred up against their fellow Fanelians.

A couple of months ago, rumours spread amongst the tribe, concerning the Fanelian King's plans of an invasion on neko territory. According to these rumours, the neko ningens' right of self-gouvernment which had been granted by King Goau was to be abolished, the tribal structure of the people destroyed and the remaining population was to be either asssimilated or put into concentration camps.

At this moment I was on the point of jumping up, thus preventing any further attempt of an organized relation, but the old cat woman quickly rose her hand and interrupted whatever I was going to blurt out and assured me that the majority of her tribe didn't doubt our friendly intentions anymore.

"All those, "she said, "who watched you heal Lady Meruru's deadly injuries or heard about it were convinced that none of you bore any harm. Someone who had been given such a gift of healing powers would never agree to be helper to infamy. This," she added with a meaningful glance, "was also the reason why the attack on you stopped."

She then continued telling me how her guards had traced the rumours back to their origin in the past hours. Their creator was a cat man who used to live in Fanelia, but who at the same time occasionally returned to the tribe to report ill-treatment and harassment and to influence most of the youngsters against their King and their fellow Fanelians.

Adele straightened up and her voice became strong and proud as she thus continued,

"We neko ningen always repay for what has been given to us, and we always make up for damage we caused. Some of my warriors found the man I was talking about. His name is Dikeledi, and he has been found in a cave outside of our boundaries. This is where he and his followers, amongst them cat people and humans, met whenever he visisted. My warriors set out to arrest him this instant. As soon as my troups managed to get hold of him, it will be my honour to surrender him to Fanelian jurisdiction."

A few seconds of silence followed her announcement. Overwhelmed by the amount of information I had to process I could only sit and stare at her. Only when she cleared her throat impatiently did I flinch and act.

"Thank you, chieftainess Adele, for the remarkable assistance you just offered. I am sure that Meruru would very much approve of the way you handled the affair. I fear that a long period of time will pass before the people of Fanelia and the cat people will trust each other again, but your help is certainly a step into this direction. May the friendship between the two former allies prosper in the future."

**A**dele nodded appreciatively and seemingly wanted to add something when she was interrupted by the entrance of a young woman, who went to her chieftainess, rubbed her cheek against he old woman's face as a greeting and whispered something into her ear. It must have been important, because Adele rose immediately and turned towards me, plain worry edged on her features.

"Forgive me for being so rude as to leave you, but the matter I have to attend to can't wait. My niece is going to take you to her home and guard you and Lady Meruru. Please follow her." With this and a meaningful glance to the other woman, she rushed out of the room, leaving me pondering about the purpose of her uncanny hurry.

Something serious must have happened, because what the old chieftainess had ordered didn't make sense. Why had she told the the younger woman to take take me and Meruru as well with her, when earlier she'd explained to me that both of us needed to rest?

I didn't have time for more musings, though, because the woman whom the old neko had called her niece helped me out of bed. Her attempt to be polite was only poorly hiding the obvious fact that she wanted me to hurry up, so I complied, grabbed my things and followed her silently.

Five minutes later I stood in front of a small wooden house which was positioned at the outskirts of the village. From a distance I could hear strange noises, clanking, shouts and many voices. Just as I was about to ask my hostess what the hubbub signified, I crossed the threshold of the entrance door and Meruru's sight drove everthing else out of my mind.

She was lying on a mat next to the fireplace and , from the looks of it, was fast asleep. With a muffled gasp I ran to her side and made sure that everything I'd heard about her health was the truth. I'm glad to relate that it was. She was well-pampered and I decided to let her sleep off the effects of the draining recovery.

**M**y happiness about Meruru's improved health status faded about an hour later. Our hostess didn't talk much; instead she kept herself busy by padding to the door every five minutes and anxiously peering through a knot-hole. The strange uproar was still audible through the thin walls of the little dwelling, and the neko woman's nervousness told me that the noises were harbingers of something serious.

A quarter of an hour of begging and nagging at least procured the explanation that the agitator had collected his followers and threatened to attack the village if chieftainess Adele refused to leave Meruru and me to his mercy.

The fact that Adele had left both of us in her niece's care indicated that she was not willing to yield to his blackmail. For this, I was thankful, of course, but other than that, I had a bad presentiment.

This feeling of foreboding grew worse and worse as time passed. The increasing battle noises spoke volumes. From time to time injured cat people would be carried into the little hut, and all our hostess and I could do was tend to them as thoroughly as possible under the present circumstances. There were men, women, even seniors and youths, and I recognized some of them as participants of the brawl Meruru and I had been involved into.

**I** was so wrapped up in bandaging a middle-aged warrior that when the door was suddenly thrown open, I was startled. A group of four neko entered the hut. They seemd to be carrying somebody, and my insides churned at the sight of the chieftainess.

Her fragile body was coated in blood. She was carefully dropped in the middle of the room and lay there like a crumpled bundle of cloth, while the rest of the society gathered around her like a funeral procession.

"Oba-chan!!!" The disconcerted cry of our hostess tugged at my heartstrings. She left Meruru's side immediately, hurried over to her aunt's limp body and slumped to her knees.

"Oba-chan, oba-chaaaan," she sobbed and buried her forehead in the old woman's chest. I didn't need her desperate wails to get moving, but they surely spurred my reaction to an even bigger extent.

"Let me see her," I ordered with what I hoped was my most impressive voice and wriggled through the surrounding bodies to the centre of the group. I bent over the old neko ningen's face, desperately searching for a sign of life, while my heart was hammering anxiously in my ribcage.

The fact that I had been able to save Meruru had been a wonder, yes, but maybe I'd manage to cause the wonder to repeat itself and save the chieftainess as well? A quick glance at the wounds which marred her frail limbs told me that she was gravely injured. Without immerdiate medical assistance she would most probably not survive.

My gaze wandered to Meruru who had been woken by the general commotion and started at the scene out of eyes brimming with emotion. The image of her lifeless body appeared in front of my inner eye, and I bit my lips. I certainly owed it to Adele to give it a try.

I concentrated and everything faded around me. Her life energy was weak and I tentatively touched it with mine when something unexpectedly repelled me. The impact of the touch caused me to recoil; I wavered and wobbled. A throbbing pain exploded in my temples and I felt like an empty nutshell, weak and numbed. When I lifted my left hand to touch my sweaty forehead I could see that my fingers were shaking violently. Panting heavily I sank back to my haunches and stared at the old woman, only to meet orbs of a pale amber colour.

"You don't have enough strength left to use your power right now," she whispered hoarsely, "Your mind is still weak from your recent exertions. My time has come; leave me die."

In blatant denial I shook my head. "You're not going to die," I said flatly, "not when I can prevent it." My words, however, sounded hollow. I already sensed that I wouldn't be able to honour the promise they made. The mere idea of mentally plunging into her essence again repulsed me. She smelled like death. My throat constricted, I felt like gagging and sank back again.

Another long glance met me. Her moist eyes were filled with compassion and understanding. She knew that I was going to cry over her, cry over the experience of losing a patient for the first time. Then she averted her head, and as if to prove that this time the separation was final, tears started to prickle behind my lids. I let them flow freely. _Forgive me._

"**L**ady Meruru," the chieftainess breathed, and the young neko woman startled me by answering right behind me. Somehow she had found the strength to rise from her lair and crawl to Adele's side. With trembling claws she reached for the old leader's nimble hands and squeezed them gently.

"The neko tribe can't afford to separate from the rest of Gaia for ever," murmured the old cat woman. "We all of us need to meddle with humans again, or else our tribe will become extinct." She cast a serious glance around her closest followers, never leaving their gaze until each of them had nodded his or her consent.

"Today's events have taught me that my generation is too deeply rooted in the past to be able to reconcile our people with each other and with their neighbours. It is time for the younger amongst us to take over responsibility and to restore friendhip where it is most needed. The tribe will need a new leader who is capable of intermediating between neko and ningen, between Fanelia City and Adom, between our King and our tribal interests. It will take someone who has seen both worlds..."

Her eyes rested on Meruru and I held my breath as I understood what the old leader wanted to say.Everybody did.

The battle was clearly visible in Meruru's eyes. This was an immense burden the old chieftainess was placing on her slim shoulders. She was asking her not only to leave her present life in Asturia, but also to reconcile with the neko tribe herself, to forget her status as an outcast and to sacrifice half of her loyalty against the De Fanel clan.

On the other hand, Adele was right. Meruru was predestined to bring about a possible reconciliation between neko and ningen. If she didn't manage to bring the two opposites together, nobody could. Only HER determination, HER energy, HER fairness and HER unwavering loyalty against Van would be able to make the impossible come true.

I looked at my friend only to see that her thoughts clearly were far off in la-la-land. Was she thinking of her parents? Was she dreaming of what Van would say? Was she thinking anything at all? I gently nudged her and with a gasp her eyes focussed on me.

"Do it," I said as calmly and clearly as I could. "You know that Van would want you to. He would want you to be with your people."

I did account much for the seriousness of the situation that she didn't even give me a snubby reply to what could very well be considered a provocation. To mention Van between us meant treading on dangerous grounds. As far as I was concerned, we still had not wholly settled this matter.

Instead, Meruru looked at the dying chieftainess and, after what seemed to be hours, nodded stiffly.

"I accept," she said with a small, somewhat squeaky, voice. Nothing more was said. None of the listeners dared move. Adele did not seem satisfied. With a piercing look she scrutinized her fellow cat people until – finally – our hostess, although her cheeks were covered with tears, stepped forward and loudly announced, "Heard and testified!"

"Heard and testified," confirmed the rest of the neko ningen present after a short hesitant moment, and the current as well as the designated chieftainess visibly relaxed.

"And now," the old cat woman whispered, "leave me alone with Lady Meruru." Directed to her niece, who inhaled to protest, she sharply added, "All of you. Leave."

We didn't have any choice than to obey. After a good deal of shuffling and murmurs, the rest of the group left the room.

* * *

**H**ours passed before we saw Meruru again.

The battle was long over, the battlefield deserted, and all that was left for us to do was search for survivors and bury the dead. About ten of the villagers had been killed in the fights, and almost all of the traitor's group. The sturdy cat man was found pinned to a tree by at least twenty arrows, and not all of them were of neko origin. It seemed that in the end even his own followers had turned against him. Then again, loyalty obviously had not been included in the group's principles.

The young gray-furred warrior who had injured Meruru was dead as well, her bloody, twisted body a sick copy of how Meruru's had looked like when she'd gutted her. Her face was scrunched up in disdain; there were so many who had died in hate... Tears started to fall, and I wouldn't stop crying until all victims were buried and preparations for a formal gathering had replaced the sad work of digging graves.

What remained to be done was done in a flurry, and the tribe had already begun to assemble around the huge fire we had started. Meruru's absence worried me, though, and just as I was about to go looking for the designated chieftainess, the young cat woman herself appeared. Sheer weakness made her stagger a bit. She was pale, and her whole appearance basked in a downtrodden aura. Streaks of moisture on her cheeks and bloodshot eyes indicated that she had been crying a lot.

Of course I immediately ran towards her in order to support her in any way needed. With a feeble wave of her hand, however, she refused assistance and straightened up with a determined expression. Silence spread amongst the villagers, and every eye turned to her.

"It is my duty to inform you, "she said quietly and gravely, "that Chieftainess Adele has died."

At this, our former hostess sagged to the ground, and curled to a tiny ball, sobbing. A few people approached to comfort her, while the rest remained on the spot with their expressive, glowing eyes glued to the lithe form of the rusty-furred young neko ningen who firmly returned the scrutiny. Her voice was brittle and cool as she went on, and she didn't emphasize words in her usual conceited way.

"Before she passed to the other world, however, she appointed me your new leader. For this, I appeal to the testimony of four respected tribe members, such as required by our tradition. Is there anybody willing to challenge my claim?"

Murmurs and hisses followed her announcement, and Meruru continued throwing intrepid glances into the crowd. The four cat people who had helped carry Adele into her niece's hut and who had witnessed the whole ceremony, however, positioned themselves at her side and repeated their 'Heard and testified'.

There were many angry faces and I was sure that the gathering would be headed into the next riot in a matter of minutes when suddenly, unexpectedly, a trembling voice resounded and easily cut through the tension like a knife.

"Heard and testified!"

Dozens of ears trained in the direction the voice came from, dozens of heads turned around, dozens of pairs of vibrant eyes fixed on --

Adele's niece. She was the epitome of grief with puffy eyes, hollow cheeks and dark shades under her lower lids, but she was standing tall without help and firmly repeated the three little words she'd uttered before.

Heard and testified.

Heard, testified and approved.

Minutes passed, maybe hours, and still nothing was said. Everything seemed to be frozen in the momentum, until finally, at last, a muscular cat woman stepped forwards and approached Meruru. She straightened up before her, gave a stiff little bow, more a nod than anything, turned around on her heels and walked back to where she had come from.

A few others followed slowly and my lungs let out a long breath of relief. The number of those who proceeded to pay their respect to the new leader grew from a slow trickle to a continuous rivulet, and still further to a river. Meruru had been accepted...

**A**s the waves of ease slowly subsided and people started talking again, I joined the league of villagers who wished to submit to the new chieftainess's authority. Meruru's pale green eyes were sparkling with mirth as I approached her with a bow as deep as I could muster.

_"... Let Your Highness_

_Command upon me, to the which my duties _

_Are with a most undissoluble tie_

_For ever knit. ...!"_

"Nonsense!" she barked, "which kind of language is that?"

"'Tis Shakespeare, Your Highness," I murmured unctuously _(more precisely: it's Shakespeare's 'Macbeth', Act III, Scene 1, Banquo speaking. I don't own Macbeth.) _and added, "may I be allowed to add my best wishes to those who already did...?"

Sharp talons dug into the skin of my forearms, causing me to utter a surprised gasp.

"Idiot!!!" the young cat woman yelled, smacked me and before I managed to recover she had pulled me into a bear hug. For a short moment we stood like this, tangled in each other's embrace, and I could sense Meruru crying quietly until she finally drew back slightly and murmured, "You'll be all right?"

"Sure thing," I whispered, "You?"

"Uh-huh..." she replied while wiping tears out of her eyes. "I'm going to miss you like crazy."

"Me, too," I had to admit. "You have to visit us quite often."

At this, a spark flared up in her eyes.

"Damn straight I will," she drawled, "and may the gods help you in case I find Van married to this prissy PRINCESS or unhappy in any other way, d'you understand?"

I nodded, smiling, and was just about to reply when a sudden wave of nervousness spread amongst the neko.

From a far distance, the neighing of horses and the thunderous echo of many hooves could be heard. Yells and commands resounded over the gathering place, and the new chieftainess tensed visibly.

"Shit," she hissed, motioned for some warriors to follow her and hastened towards the source of the commotion. My throat constricted once again. Surely it would not be another attack? Had some of the anti-royalists escaped and were now returning with reinforcement ?

I attempted to follow Meruru, but the surrounding crowd started moving into different directions like a kind of cohesive dough, capturing me in the middle of a group of tall neko warriors with no chance to back out of the situation. I couldn't even see anything over their towering figures, and only the cat woman's harsh commands could be heard from a distance.

The noises gradually increased, and finally the floor shook in a way as to indicate that the visitors had finally arrived. A piercing yell was followed by an abrupt stop of the pounding, and a few thumps told me that some of the riders seemed to have dismounted. White noise, only occasionally interrupted by a horse's snorting, tugged at my already frayed nerves and I dug my fist into the back of the huge man who was standing in my line of vision.

"Let me see," I insisted and bobbed on the balls of my feet, "who's there?"

Ididn't hear his answer, though. I don't even know whether he replied or not.

Nothing mattered anymore when suddenly a voice piped up, which I considered the most beautiful, most calming voice of the world.

An angel was singing.

Well, now I'm being cheesy. The angel was yelling, more like, at the top of his lungs' capacity.

"WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS HAPPENED HERE?! WHERE IS LADY MERURU AND WHERE IS LADY HITOMI? YOU BETTER TELL ME ALL THE PARTICULARS OF THEIR DISAPPEARANCE OR I SWEAR I WON'T GUARANTEE FOR YOUR SAFETY..."

The thunderclap of my love's voice was shortly conquered by the high-pitched wail I used to know so well...

"Lord, VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN."

It was pandemonium. Both voices started tumbling over each other, while some neko joined by loudly discussing the extraordinary incident of a royal visit. A few others vocally expressed their indignation about King Van's appearance and voiced their fears of its being the announced invasion, and of course every single cat on the field proved more than consistent in his or her proverbial curiosity by immediately moving forward and crowding around the newly arrived group.

As for me, the mere thought of Van's arrival stirred up a flurry of stagefright and giddiness in my mind, leaving me out of power to act coherently. I had a hard time, a very hard time, in trying to box my way out of the dead end I was trapped in. In violently tugging at my neighbours' sleeves, pushing others aside roughly and weaving through clusters of animatedly talking neko ningen, however, I succeeded in continually making my way up to the front of the crowd.

**A **shock of unruly black hair soon lit up my path and served as a guiding light until I finally reached Van. Panting, I stood before him. His face was pale and agitated, no doubt partly because of the exhausting ride, and burning garnet eyes wandered up and down my figure to check out I was unscathed, until they finally settled on my face.

No sound came from his lips as he slowly proceeded into my direction. Step after step after step brought me closer to the man I had missed for such a long time. Finally I stood closely before him, so that his breath washed over my face and I could distinguish every single of his eyelashes. The noise around us faded.

Tentatively, almost carefully he lifted his hands and touched my temples, and I basked with closed eyes in his warm and tender gesture.

"Are you all right?" he breathed, and I leaned my forehead against his and answered with the tiniest of nods.

"Good. I've been frightened to death..." he sighed, and warmth filled my guts and rendered me peaceful, forgiving and impassive. All horrors of the past fights forgotten, I finally came to the conclusion that, if this journey had taught me anything, it was the simple and undenyable fact that I belonged to him. If I ever wanted to feel safe and content, I needed to be close to Van.

A single tug enveloped me in his embrace, and something soft touched my forehead, my cheeks, the tip of my nose, my lips and chin like warm rain. My fingers moved on their own accord, clawed at the cloth of his travelling attire to bring him closer, and light pressure in the region of my waist told me that he responded likewise. He was still peppering my face with tiny butterfly kisses, and naturally, like a flower that is facing the direction of the sun, I faced him. Our lips barely brushed, but the tiny gesture was enough to send jolts of energy into my stomach and to make the skin of my mouth prickle slightly.

When his lips suddenly detached from my skin and were replaced by a cool breeze, I had to restrain the little whimper threatening to come out of my throat. I opened my eyes to see that Van's eyes were averted, while his face was tinted with a deep hue of scarlet. It was not difficult to guess where his embarassment came from, however.

Everybody's eyes were on us, and when I say everybody, I mean it. Even the children scrutinized us curiously, while the expressions of the adult watchers varied between amusement and scorn at the blatant display of impropriety.

"Are you two quite done?" Meruru's voice drifted towards us gleefully, and I felt the urge to vanish on the spot. Heat started crawling to my cheeks, and there was no doubt that my mortified blush would be clearly visible even from Earth.

Looking back, I shouldn't have allowed my confusion to spoil the moment, because as this was actually the first kiss I ever got, it was destined to be a moment to remember for lifetime and to tell my grandchildren about. On the other hand, being placed in smack centre of a herd of whooping or tutting neko ningen was not the ideal setting for something as romantic as a girl's first kiss. This is why my next move was, if not the cleverest reaction, maybe at least comprehensible.

I did what I had always been best at. I ran away.

**F**or the next half hour I did nothing more than alternately scream, jump around like a derwish and fret about my talent to drop a brick anytime. Why did these things always happen to me?! Who of the powers that be had it in for me as to deliberately ruin any chance of having a normal love life with a normal boyfriend and a normal first kiss?

I was just about to kick against the nearest tree in frustration when a soft voice calling out my name interrupted me in my task to seriously hurt myself and made me stop. The shrubbery to my right parted in order to reveal Van's smiling face, and I let loose a frustrated groan.

"Stop laughing," I wailed pathetically, "I didn't make a fool of myself for you to laugh about it!"

Unfazed by my harsh words, Van sauntered over and swept me into his arms, in one fell swoop soothing my ruffled feathers.

I leant against his lithe form and murmured, "Sorry. I'm such a dimwit."

His chest heaved as he chuckled lightly, "Anything you say, dearest Hitomi,"

With a frown I slapped his shoulder and growled, "Did you follow me on purpose to make fun of me?! You shouldn't even be here, so why all the effort?" _Not that I'm not glad to see you..._ I mentally continued.

His expression became serious at once.

"To put it frankly," he sighed, while at the same time tracing the contours of my face with his fingertips, "I was worried."

My baffled countenance must have asked for an explanation, because he quickly added, "It's not that I didn't trust both of you. But you can very well imagine how I felt when the tidings of a rebellion amongst the neko tribe reached me yesterday morning, including reports of killings, rape and tortures. I made up my mind to make sure that everything was all right with you and we set off two hours later."

Something in the way he told me the story didn't sound right.

"Hang on," I breathed, "there has been a riot yesterday, and today as well, but you can't possibly mean either of the two, because otherwise you wouldn't be here already! When did you leave?"

Van's hands dropped from my hips, much to my dismay, and his face contorted in concentration.

"Mm, that must have been around midday, give or take a little time." His exceptionable eyes snapped open warily. "And you did just say that..."

"... that the whole riot started after lunch. Meruru and I were just on our way to visit some people after having had a snack with the chieftainess. There is no way someone could have told you about the whole quarrel before it even started."

"Mm," Van mused, crinkling his forehead, "this is weird. The messenger I'd assigned to accompany your group came running to me this morning. He was gravely wounded and claimed that you'd been severely attacked during the night, that Meruru and you had been kindnapped and the rest of the group slaughtered except for him. It was only for the fact that I've had a bad feeling lately that I believed him and followed his advice to check on you."

**H**is face grew expressionless. I could see that there were several ideas running haywire in his brain, and I could also see that non of them was pleasing him. Suudenly he turned around and started to walk away with vigorous steps.

"Hey," I shouted, "Where are you going?"

"Need to check on something," he replied without looking back even once. "I've got to make sure about something, so I'm going to see Meruru. You'd better return to the village with me; I have a feeling that we haven't seen the whole tragedy just yet. C'mon."

He held out his hand without slowing down. I was flustered. This was definitely NOT the caring dream prince who had just kissed me senseless in front of a whole bunch of jeering watchers. This was the warrior I'd met years ago, brash, protective and resourceful, who didn't possess a single romantic bone in his body. Van Fanel was back. Shit.

Spite got the better of me, and I drew back my already outstretched hand.

"I think I'll stay for a while," I bitched, "since it's so beautiful here. I've had enough discussions and strategy to last me a lifetime. Leave me alone." With this, I turned on my heels and stalked away towards the next clump of bushes.

I didn't even hear what Van's reply was, as wrapped up in my pride as I was at the moment. Trees, more shrubbery and even a little pond were fleeting past me as I practically ran off into the woods. I was so busy mentally scolding Van for his uncaring attitude that I didn't even perceive the signs of danger when they practically hit me in the face.

A rustle, a lurch, a horrible stench were everything I sensed before something clouded my vision and I lost conscience yet again.

* * *

_body count: approx. twenty (told you i was pissed off!!!)_

_to be continued ..._

* * *

_by the way, did any of you read weiss kreuz season one? bugnucks are the weapons ken hidaka is using in the manga. this is my way to pay homage to kyoko tsuchiya..._

_and now for something completely different (i don't own monty python ...), and as always, in the order of appearance (tons of wonderfully long reviews, yay!):_

_**akai chou:** thanks for the explanation! alesyira got me an article about 'mary-sue's, and now i'm totally up to scratch. however, i can't get the idea of putting myself into some character's place out of my head. i'm thinking about messing with dil ... and as for the slash thingy, this might be fun to fool around with. maybe i should give it a try on my mm org account. this van and dil idea certainly got me thinking!!! by the way, i'm glad you like meruru. i LOVE her!!!_

_**Inda:** so you want vannie and hitomi to move on faster... according to that, you should love this chapter. it's not that they don't WANT to, the problem is that they can't find the fucking TIME to get close. and it is all my fault. wuahahaha!!! _

_**Hearts of Eternity:** stiliani's got an important role in this story, so you will have to cope with her. i just don't like straightforward stories, because i reckon life isn't that simple. if i jotted down the story of my relationship with just one of my previous boyfriends, it would certainly cost me at least ten chapters and would be as angsty as you can possibly imagine! by the way, if i have to die, i'd rather die in boiling chocolate than oil, preferably swiss chocolate, right? _

_**Spirit0:** whoah! as to your notion of stiliani, you pretty much hit the main point. yes, still waters run deep; it's a painful lesson to learn that your adversaries aren't always evil but human beings like yourself. as for the rating, there will be two different scenes that might be considered ticklish. you'll see. personally, i read a lot of highly rated stories, and i write a couple of them as well. love lemons cough, but as this is actually ff net, i'll certainly restrain myself cough i don't mind blood, too, but maybe this is because i have worked with a medical examiner during my studies. anyway, thanks again for the looong review (i love 'em), and don't forget your push-ups ;-)_

_**Kintora:** thanks! i use up a lot of real-life experiences. as i tend to moralize a lot, this is playing an important role in my stories as well. as for 'tomi and meruru, they haven't sorted out everything yet, but they are on their way. i've always liked those friends best who are able to give me a good telling-off whenever something's wrong with me. this is more helpful than flattery, ne? _

_**egwene105:** sorry, i didn't want to be obstrusive or anything. anyway, i hope things will be back on track for you soon. it is funny to what an extent writing/reading fics can lift one's mood considerably. i am looking for a job at the moment, and it is getting increasingly frustrating, seeing how some employers keep treating applicants. i have found that by writing i am able to keep my frustration at bay. i can literally siphon off my bad mood into hitomi or van, which is probably accounting for how complicated the plot is becoming. oh, well... i am very, VERY glad that you like stiliani. she didn't get that much support before, as you might deduce from some reviews. we'll see how you like her role as the story continues. by the way, yes, meruru is 'merle'. see introduction to chapter 2. _

_**Cynthia:** uh... yes, i am german and had a couple of years of english lessons at school. i constantly try to improve my language skills, though. this is why i am writing fics and keep asking readers to point out mistakes. this is also why i have asked ryry to beta read my stories. as i'm never too sure about my wording and grammar, i was touched at what you wrote about my english speaking skills. thank you! if you don't oppose, i will add you to my list of stiliani-supporters, which, in my opinion, is far too short until now. at last there is someone who actually recognizes how important she is in my plot! i can't have an angsty story without throwing in serious obstacles, and if she were rotten she would be too easy to overcome. so i made her nice and pretty and donned a flameproof coat, and look where it got me! '_I just hope you don't damage their relationship too much before you begin putting it back together...' _auntie akari says: as long as they love each other, there is nothing the author can possibly damage... so, thanks for suffering with my heroes and thanks for the nice review!_

_**avolare:** glad you like it. i have to admit that i only watched the series once -- hence the ignorance concerning hitomi's brother. i am pretty sure that he was not mentioned in the series at all, so, of course, i didn't introduce him into my plot. as for yukari and hitomi, i ask you to be patient. there are still a couple of chapters to be written; please keep in mind my summary. besides her love rival, hitomi will also have to fight obstacles from her past. won't say more, just read on and find out. _

_**RaversAnthem:** naaah, she's not that bad, is she?besides, i'm not very likely to survive unscathed if i ever dare marry van to stiliani, so i don't have much of a choice as far as the final pairing is concerned. sigh._

_**dani:** we didn't hear much of stiliani in this chapter, but i'm far from being finished with her!_

_**Tsubasa-No-Kami 91**: thanks a lot for the compliment. now that's flattering, and in capitals no less..._

_**Alesyira:** look who's there! it's 'wander' alesyira! thank you very much for the link, i read the article at once. seems that i will have to ask ryry to have a closer look at stiliani, won't i? luckily she's called neither mary nor sue, but the OC rules apply for her as well. this was great help, thank you so much!! i'm itching to transfer myself into dilly, though, but i realize i will have to be super-careful. as for urd-chan, i know what she answered, because i'm (still) on that list as well. i'm glad i was able to cheer her up a bit, but i'd have preferred if she'd decided not to post the review publicly. due to recent and vicious discussions between two opposing sides i intended to keep a low profile... i'm still mad that it all had to end like this, with our most active writers mobbed out. raaaaahr ... anyway, great to hear from you and even greater that you like this fic. thank you! oh, and update, woman! wuahahahahaaaaa!_

_**charice**: mmh, i know what you're talking about. let's see whether your gut feeling is correct!_

_**JadedTruth**: thanks! i'm doing my very best..._

_**bobo-32:** wow, thank you! my original intent was to write one of those lovey, dovey romances, but somehow i ended up with this, and now i can't give it back...;-)_

_**lil-saturn-goddess:** thanks. don't you just LOVE meruru...?_

_**LiLNeKo:** aaww, now i'm blushing...thanks a lot! i have many more plots in store for all of you, i just can't promise that it'll be about escaflowne only. apart from my one-shot about eries, apart from the mary sue and apart from my recurring inuyasha lemons i've been planning another continuation for months. it will take place in the sailor moon universe which i am absolutely not familiar with. i didn't read the manga, i didn't watch the series; all i ever did was read a couple of fanfics, and MAN am i looking forward to this challenge!!! hope you'll still be faithful ... à toute à l'heure! akari_

_**Luraia Soul : **err... when i planned this story, the plot didn't strike me as original at all. i read a lot of stories in which one ot the other side plot appeared. might be the mixture or the rare first person perspective that renders my story kinda exceptionable? anyway, thank you!_


	10. Mud

_hi there! belated christmas present for everybody!_

_man, why is it impossible to keep a beta reader for more than a few chapters?! i always lose them after a few weeks, dammit! so now, this chapter's probably littered with mistakes. keh!_

_once again my imagination ran away with the remote control. i was never one for action stories, but somehow i got the hang of it quickly and the chapter just went on and on and on. as a result, i had to divide the original chapter into two parts AGAIN and this means that the whole thing is going to be one chapter longer than i anticipated. plus, i'm running out of chapter titles… _

_sorry, sanctus-seira, the scene you're waiting for (which i uncautiously announced for this chapter) will appear in the next part sweatdrop. for the record, the scene i am describing in this chapter was certainly NOT what i've been having in mind for it!_

_thanks to oxford university press, auntie and uncle for my new thesaurus dictionary. i'm actually gonna learn correct british english. YAY!!!_

_**warning: this chapter contains graphic descriptions of violent acts. people who are easily offended by matters like bloodshed or rape and who can't cope with corresponding implications are strongly advised not to read it. **_

_**i don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. abaddon, the brute and the plot are my creations, please don't plagiarize. if you find any language mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.**_

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 10

**Mud**

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_

**O**nly slowly my senses kicked back in. Strange yells, the sound of water dripping onto the floor and the all-encompassing rushing of the blood in my ears woke me up. As soon as I opened my eyes a crack, the intruding light caused a sledgehammer in the back of my mind to pick up work. Each of its thrusts reverberated in my scull, and, feeling nauseous, I let out a groan.

Where the hell was I?

The pounding in my head forbid me to stir from where I was lying. As cautiously as I could, I scrutinized my surroundings and found solid stone walls covered with moss and slime. A little rivulet of water snaked down from a narrow opening and caused the tinkering sound that had irritated me into wakefulness. Torches bathed the place into quivering light and revealed the only door leading out of this this room, sealed shut by a bunch of thick iron bars and an enormous padlock.

I was trapped in what looked like an old-fashioned vault in the catacombs of a murky old building, probably including torture-chamber, ghosts and all the other 'facilities' I'd only known from fairy tales and ghost-stories.

Great.

Too apathetic to have a temper tantrum, I let my head sink back onto the mattress I was lying on.

How had I got myself into such a place?

I concentrated and summoned the last images I'd seen before I fell unconscious (something I seemed to be doing quite often since my arrival on Gaia!). I'd run away in order to punish Van for being an unsensitive bastard. I recalled the feeling of being knocked over and a disgusting stench. Someone – or something – had obviously materialized right behind me, grabbed me, knocked me out somehow and brought me here, and I haven't even heard them coming.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

Once again, my own carelessness had got me cornered. Just one single impetuous moment… If I'd resisted the urge to run away again, nothing of this wouldn't have happened. Surely Van would be looking for me as soon as I was missed, and how was he supposed to find me?

I concluded that I had to leave. Now.

Carefully I turned my head to see whether the door was locked, as I supposed it would be, but as soon as I did, my vision started to blur and my insides churned. Something slowly crawled from my stomach into my throat, and I just managed to lean over before I started retching until only gall came out of my mouth.

After what seemed like hours I sank back. I was so exhausted that I couldn't even wipe my lips or even crinkle my nose at the smell of my own vomit. Never in my life had I felt so miserable. Maybe they smashed something on my head and I got a concussion. Or maybe they used a narcotic on me. Who knew?

Sleep claimed my senses and, for an indefinite amount of time, I did nothing more than doze and occasionally eat something. A dish sat next to my head, and whenever I woke, it had been filled with a glutinous, salty liquid which tasted a bit like chicken. I didn't care what it was or who brought it, I just gulped it down without even bothering to use the spoon lying next to it, all the while dribbling the stuff all over my blouse. After finishing off the stuff, I merely dropped the dish and went back to sleep.

I existed. Nothing more, nothing less.

This went on for what was maybe a few days, maybe more. I'd long lost track of time, and it took a really significant change in routing to shake me out of my unpleasant stupor.

**I **was just about to close my eyes for the umpteenth time and tried to get back to sleep. Listening to my own heartbeat had always been able to soothe me, so I forced my lungs to breathe regularly in order to get the frantic pounding to calm down.

thumpTHUMP… thumpTHUMP… thumpTHUMP… thump… thump

I was so preoccupied with hypnotizing myself into slumber that I didn't notice how the familiar iambic rhythm morphed into a much more regular, hammering sound of heavy footsteps on stone. The sudden clanging of metal against metal jerked me out of my daze.

Someone opened the lock of my cell!

Immediately I squinted my eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. If I managed to fool my visitor into believing that I was comatose and thus harmless, he might offer me an opportunity to escape. A huge shadow fell on me and blocked the light coming through the narrow slit that was my only window. The stench that wafted around him was breathtaking and smelled slightly familiar. Obviously he had been one of the bastards who'd kidnapped me.

I waited until a shuffling noise indicated that my 'guest' was busy and merely squinted through one of my eyes. The bulky silhouette of a man was standing in a corner of my prison, occupied with ladling what looked like the usual pulp into the metal dish. My gaze immediately fixed on an enormous bunch of keys dangling off his wrist. If I grabbed it and managed to get hold…, even better, if I could sneak past him out of the room and close the door…

My fingers twitched and I decided that I might as well act now. So I bolted.

Well, at least that's what I tried.

I didn't even arrive at sitting up.

My abused muscles screamed while the motion sent my tummy into flips and created a wave of the worst sickness I'd experienced today. The pounding in my head multiplied tenfold and I sank back, gagging. There was nothing left in my stomach to spit out, though, so nothing happened.

The noise I caused, however, caught the attention of my guard. With a motion far more agile than I would have suspected of someone as overweight as he was, he whipped around and pulled a short sword out of his belt.

"Stay where you are!" he bellowed and I shrank back into the mattress. So much for overwhelming the big oaf... Luckily I was witty enough to conceal my shock behind a fit of coughing, and soon enough my guard's posture relaxed.

"Stay put or I'll gut you," he growled and turned back to his task before I sank back, despirited. I was really sorry to realize that only the fact that I had been too weak to even sit had just saved my life. If I had been able to move, my intestines would have been strewn across the floor by now, no doubt about that.

Heart hammering frantically, I was pondering my chances of escaping. Overwhelming this meat loaf was by no means the only option. I could still climb out of the window or anything. All I had to do was avoid raising his suspicion at all costs if I wanted to live and succeed…

So for the next few minutes I kept a low profile, and finally the hulk left me with one last warning glare. I waited until the sound of his boots on the pavement subsided, then clenched my teeth and pulled myself up. The disgusting smell still lingered around me, thus I really needed fresh air, no matter how much more I would have to vomit. I crawled to the window, clawed at the wall and, with a considerable amount of strength, hoisted myself up.

**W**hat I saw made my heart give an unpleasant lurch.

The view from the slit serving as window confirmed that this escape route was out of question. Beneath the sill I could see a gaping void, about as deep as the Mariana Trench. Since I didn't have wings, trying to climb out of the window was pretty much pointless.

I could either jump and end it all or get used to the thought that this might be my retirement home, alone, without friends, without--

The picture of Van popped into my mind. My longing for him was starting to become painful, and I had reached a point in which my memory of him was highly idealized. He had his wings spread, was surrounded by a halo like a supernatural presence, eyes aglow and a tender smile on his face that I had never seen him wear. At least not for me…

My vision clouded again as tears silently rolled down my cheeks.

I felt so lost without him.

By now he must have realized that I was gone. What did he think? Our last words had been spoken in anger. I'd bitched at his unromantic attiture, when all he ever wanted was get me back to the village safely. I'd been such a spiteful cow!

What if he decided that he had enough? That he didn't want to save me every time my stupidity got me into a dangerous situation? What if he realized that he was much better off with that epitome of perfection, with Stiliani, and left me here to rot?

My knees started shaking and I slumped onto the floor, sniffling. What a pathetic wreck I had become! Ever since I'd arrived on Gaia, I hadn't done much besides fainting, crying or getting into Van's way. Every step that I'd taken had been accompanied by a wrong, sometimes disastrous, decision.

Now I was caught in an even worse situation that I've ever been in. I was trapped and weaker than ever. Those many hours I spent sleeping brought no repose, and every morning I woke up with a feeling of numbness and a bad taste in my mouth.

My foggy mind clung to the last piece of information.

Maybe they had drugged my meals? Did the Neanderthaler and his cronies wish to keep me imprisoned not only physically, but also mentally?

I straightened and clanched my jaw muscles. There was NO WAY I'd let them gain the upper hand over me. I owed it to Van to be strong. I couldn't be weak, not now, not ever. If there was no escape route through the window, I had to get past the oaf and use the corridors. I'd stop eating the food they gave me and recover from the apathy their drugs put me into. It was humanly possible to stay alive without food for more than a week, and I'd find a way to flee before that.

I would do a full recovery before I launched another attempt at getting away from here. I'd watch the guards and my surroundings closely for a few days and try to catch as much sleep as possible, and maybe someday the perfect opportunity might present itself. I'd grasp it, flee and return to Van. The plan was flawless.

So much for the theory.

* * *

**F**or three consecutive days I did nothing more than sleep, chuck the soup out of the window and spend my waking hours plotting. The horrible apathy subsided over the days, confirming my suspicions about my captors using liberal amounts of a sleeping draught. I stretched and trained my muscles as much as I dared, making sure that they wouldn't fail me when the moment had come. 

Footsteps came closer and I looked up. The light of the torches cast the shadow of a slim sihouette on the floor, and I quickly lost interest. It obviously wasn't the hulk, so it didn't concern me.

However, the clanging of keys against the iron bars of the door made gave proof that I was wrong this time, and then my visitor was already standing on the threshold. He was long and lanky, but his hunched posture took away much of his otherwise intimidating height.

"Get up," his voice was hoarse and had a slightly contemptuous timbre, "the boss wants to see you."

Surprised, I didn't obey immediately, and he snorted and stepped aside, revealing a pair of bulky cronies. I recognized one of them as my guard. They shuffled into my cell, grabbed my arms and yanked me up.

It hurt like hell, and a hiss of pain left my lips. However, none of them reacted; they just kept dragging me along. We turned right and marched down a long corridor, passed a kind of 'reception room' until we hit the exit. I registered the position of the room for further reference and decided to keep my senses alert and gather every bit of information that could come in handy when I finally managed to escape.

By the looks of it, the prison belonged to a huge stone building, maybe a castle or a fortress, of which a large quantity of rooms had been hewn into solid rock. It was a perfect hideaway for those with dark ambitions, but few followers; the wounded caverns were unbreakable, difficult to find and easy to defend. The last statement caused my throat to constrict. If, no, WHEN Van finally arrived with or without his soldiers, he would have a hell of a time getting in.

We travelled along busy walkways into a gigantic hall, mounted several flights of stairs and ended up in front of a richly decorated double door. The long man knocked and entered, and after a careless wave of his hands his cronies pushed me in.

**I** stumbled into a fairly large office, equipped with a vast desk, several stuffed chairs and all sorts of devices for communication purposes. A screen was shimmering at the left-hand wall, and another person was sitting in front of it, pressing several buttons.

I took a good look around while my guards made me sit down, tied my wrists to the armsrests of my chair and retreated with a bow. The door closed with a soft click and I was left alone with the screen and the man crouching next to it.

He took his sweet time playing around with the control devices, turning a few wheels and knobs and punching a couple of buttons, all the while muttering under his breath. Obviously I was not on top of his prority list, and that made me wonder why he had taken pains to let his minions fetch me and take me to his room.

Or was this another psychological game? I still didn't know why I had been kidnapped in the first place. Back on Earth kidnappers would usually ask for something before returning the hostage, and I supposed that these people would act the same way, either asking for money or demanding some other favour. This left the question as to who would be their designated victim. There just weren't enough people on this planet who would pay for my life, since I was hardly important enough to anyone to …

I hesitated to continue this train of thoughts. Realization dawned, accompanied by a cold shiver. Or was I?

Garnet irises appeared in front of my inner eye. The association was quickly made. Van… the Anti-Royalist Movement… revolution amongst the neko… the false sentry, telling lies about the rest of us killed in the battle …

Van's voice, saying: "I have a feeling that we haven't seen the whole drama just yet…"

I saw me as the bait to lure Van out of his castle and into the line of fire…

Shock and numbness took over. Their plan was ingenious in its own way, beastly, low and dirty, but ingenious. Instead of trying to attack Fanelia City, where security measures had been lifted considerably after the recent assaults, they'd managed to assemble their victims in the Forest of Adom, in a potentially hostile environment, with only a handful of soldiers to protect them.

Instead of targeting the king himself, who was being watched by a whole bataillon of bodyguards and loved and protected by his subjects, they chose his guest, a fairly unknown and not-too-popular stranger whom nobody would give a damn about.

Nobody but the king himself.

I was a prawn in their game, the ultimate means to overthrow Van's regime.

Closing my eyes in exasperation, I promised myself to resist.

**W**hen I opened them again, I found myself staring into a pair of pale eyes. My opposite had turned away from his screen to scrutinize me, and I shivered. His irises had the colour of a blind mirror; it was as if I was looking into two pools of mercury. Neither compassion nor warmth was in them, instead I found the curiosity of a scientist looking at one of his guinea-pigs.

He was still very young, and even features were framed by fair hair. I might have considered him handsome, but there was something cruel, something harsh in the lines of his mouth and nose. The eyes were slightly narrowed as if he was squinting against the sun, and a perpetual frown marred his forehead.

My mouth, opened in an attempt to argue with him, closed again. I couldn't expect understanding from someone like him.

One of his eyebrows, thin and rigid, as if someone had drawn it with a pencil, quirked up in a mocking gesture before he leaned back and turned a switch. The screen started to flicker, and whirling colours slowly began forming a coherent picture.

It was Van, and the way he looked tugged at my heartstrings. Someone who might not know him would have taken his unreadable expression for indifference. His face was as pale as chalk, and his eyebrows were drawn together in a way as to make him look annoyed. The Fanelian crown, a golden ring adorned with the image of a charging dragon, sat on his forehead, giving him an even more intimidating appearance.

Only someone who knew him as intimately as I did, would be able to discern the wild flicker in his eyes and the way he pursed his lower lip just a fraction. His eyes flitted around, found me and our gazes met for a very short moment. Although we did not touch, I could literally feel the rageing emotions he was hiding behind his façade. He was worried about me, and he was also furious. Throughout his whole life, fury had always been his way to vent sadness and fear.

After he'd slowly started to lower his defences in my presence, this situation had brought out the worst in him again.

Yes, Van Fanel was back.

**T**he man with the quicksilver-coloured eyes started to speak, and I quickly locked my feelings away and tried to listen dispassionately.

"Van Fanel," he said, and his voice had no vibrance or liveliness. I also noted that he didn't use any honorific, and Van scowled openly.

"Abaddon,"he gave a short nod of recognition. The two of them seemed to know each other, because his opponent continued unfazed.

"As you can see, there is your little… concubine…" Van hissed, and the man smirked before going on, "sitting behind me. She's still alive and healthy, although that may change if you're not willing to consent to a little… trade."

I didn't like the way he emphasized the last word. I didn't like the whole manner in which he addressed Van, and I certainly didn't approve of the way he spoke about ME. Still, he seemed to be too dangerous to risk provoking him. My gaze immediately wandered over to Van, anxious of his reaction.

He bore it well. His jaw muscle was twitching, but the countenance remained disinterested as he replied calmly, "And how high would your price be as to buy back my little… ah… concubine? You seem to be awfully sure of your ability to negotiate as you're offering me something you consider worthless."

"Oh," his adversary replied cooly, "she IS worthless, but it's a matter of point of view. All I need to know is that you don't think along the same lines as I do. Don't try to play hard to get, as I know perfectly well how much she means to you, Fanel. You wouldn't want her to get hurt, and you know it."

My chin started to tremble. I could barely summon enough self-control to keep from crying. To be addressed like that was hard enough, but I also started to fear what might happen if Van refused to yield. The amount of cold-heartedness this man was displaying made me wonder how far he would go to get what he wanted.

Van's icy voice interrupted my musings.

"Stop wasting my precious time. I didn't leave important business unattended to listen to this sort of talk. What do you want from me?"

The crisp voice of his opponent rang through the pregnant silence.

"You are going to resign immediately and will be exiled to a place we will appoint for you. You will consent to never tread on Fanelian grounds again. The Council is to be dissolved as well as the Court; their respective members will be exiled as well. The constitution will be declared null and void. Escaflowne is to be handed over to us. If you refuse, I am going to send your little floozie back to you in shreds. That's the deal."

I suppressed a gasp. Accepting even a part of these claims would be sending Fanelia into chaos.

Van's answer was as short as it was clear.

"I refuse."

I knew perfectly well that Van was stalling, but it suddenly occurred to me that his adversary didn't look like a man who would be duped easily. In the course of this conversation, a decision would have to be made, and it would be either me or Fanelia. Either me or Meruru, Ruhm and his family, Runa, Gudrun, Yone and many more. Did I really want to be rescued at their cost? The implications of that thought made me close my eyes to hide the tears that were already pooling on my lids.

"Now, Fanel," the silky voice of the grey-eyed man drifted across the room, and I flinched as I found that he was now standing right next to my chair. "you might want to reconsider. I'm sure you don't realize in which position you are."

The king just snorted comtemptuously.

"I can assure you that YOU are the one who should do the thinking. For someone who presides over a bunch of terrorists claiming that they want to free Fanelia from my TYRANNY, as you so charmingly dubbed it, you are extremely short-sighted. You seem to forget that, by removing all administrative powers at one fell swoop without providing an adequate replacement, you are going to cause mayhem and war. If so, why would I be willing to give way?"

"Because," his opponent spat with a voice like a whiplash, "one of these days you won't even have a choice anymore, Fanel. Don't think that your pathetic safety measures will keep things under control. Our movement can't be stopped. More and more people are joining our ranks, and one fine day we will smoke you out of your fancy little palace. Fanelia will be mine, Fanel."

"All right," Van interrupted him, "thank you for revealing your real intentions. I never bought your little story about wanting to free the country from my cruel reign, but now you confirmed that you're just a pathetic, power-hungry bastard."

**N**ow it was the silver-eyed man who hissed dangerously. He balled his fists and I started to fear that things might slip out of control. As much as I feared that Van would surrender, I also feared the prospect of what might happen if he didn't.

"Very well," the man next to me said coolly, "I take that as a 'no'. You'll find that I always honour my promises, so if you don't mind…"

He turned around briskly and I barely had the time to react. Grabbing my wrist in a vice grip, he tagged it to the armrest. Cold metal was suddenly glinting in his fist, and my throat constricted at the sight of a hideous-looking knife. He slowly lowered the blade to my hand until the tip touched my pinky finger.

Icy steel dug into my skin just below the fingertip, and I watched with wide eyes as blood began to collect in the cut and dripped onto the cushion. The sensation of pain seeped into my conscience.

"ABADDON!!!"

My own cry was drowned by Van's frantic yell, and the grey-eyed man stopped for a moment.

Without even looking up, he said coldly, "You have ten days to give up on your pathetic kingdom, Fanel, and you better decide quickly, because every day I am going to send you a chunk of your little hussy. Today it's going to be the tip of her finger, but on the tenth day it'll be her head."

"I will KILL you, Abaddon," Van bellowed, and continued shouting, but as my attention focussed on my hand, his voice gradually muted like in a badly tuned radio.

A strange fascination glued my eyes to the path of destruction the knife was causing in my flesh. I watched the blade cut through tissue and bone as if they were only composed of air, until the tip of the finger became seperated and rolled off the armrest. Blood was oozing out of the wound and coloured the embroidered chintz of the chair red.

"HITOMI!"

The mental uproar that accompanied Van's cry permeated my foggy brain; I flinched and looked up. Gone was the faked indifference, gone was the mask. Instead, torment and raw pain were etched into his expression.

Agony came rolling along in waves from my hand and made me feel nauseous, but strangely enough, the pain helped me focus on what was important, and I could see clearly now. If it was that difficult for me to decide, then how much more difficult would it be for Van to sacrifice his country and his friends – or me?

He would always feel responsible for whoever he lost, even if it all wasn't his fault. I just couldn't allow him to make a decision that he would be bound to regret.

I'd sworn to support him in any way possible. If this meant sacrificing myself and making a decision that would be unbearable for him to make, then I was happy to comply.

I had no choice.

"**V**an," I said quietly.

Two faces headed in my direction in the same second. From one of them, piercing irises left a white-hot trail on my skin, but I was now beyong caring. Instead I concentrated on a pair of warm, vibrant ruby orbs.

He winced and thus convinced me that he already had a notion of what I was planning to say.

Slowly he shook his head and moved his lips. _Never._

"Listen," I stated as firmly as I could, but the aching in my hand caused my breath to come in short, irregular gasps and interrupted my speech. "I don't want you to… sacrifice… Fanelia for… me."

I grimaced. All I ever wanted was roll to the floor and sleep, but this might well be the last conversation I shared with the love of my life. So I tried to ignore the throbbing pain as best as I could and continued.

"I wouldn't… want to live knowing that… your people suffers… on my behalf. Whatever happens, don't… give in. Van?"

"Hitomi," he breathed and I felt my resolution crumble away.

"Look," I mumbled with already trembling voice, "I'm strong. I'll be… fine. Really. Please… don't give in… love…"

His eyes never left mine, and I was desperately attempting to savour the last seconds we might have together. However, Abbadon, deciding that he would rather gain control of the situation again, put an end to it.

He blocked my view by stepping in front of the screen and announced, "It's really heart-wrenching, but I have to interrupt you two lovebirds. You know what the deal is, Fanel, and you know how to reach me. Think about it, and do it quickly."

With that, he flipped a switch and the image of Van disappeared.

With the last thing that had kept me sane gone, I slumped against the backrest, using up the remainder of my strength not to dissolve into tears. I wouldn't give this asshole the satisfaction to see me cry, but how long would I be able to last?

Just as I was starting to lose control and my lower lip began to tremble, the Anti-Royalist leader seemed to have concluded that my presence was no longer necessary for his plans. A snap of his fingers, and the two hulks were standing at my sides again. Their mercury-eyed boss ordered them to get me out of the room and make sure I didn't bleed to death for the next ten days, and they obeyed immediately, dragging me all the way back to my cell, dropped me unceremoniously and left.

Bloody clouds fogged my vision, and as soon as I felt solid floor beneath my feet, I groped around blindly for my mattress, crawled under the blanket and fell asleep from mere exhaustion, tears still leaking out from under my eyelids.

* * *

**T**he dull ache in my finger had not lessened when I woke again. A quick glance out of the tiny window slit told me that night had already fallen; the flickering of the torches was my only source of light. 

Although still somewhat shaky, I looked after my finger as thoroughly as possible under these circumstances. Luckily, the bleeding had stopped for some time; the brute must have taken elemental care of the wound. They obviously didn't want me to die unless their evil master had had his sick fun while dismembering me. However, the cut still looked nasty. Hopefully the finger wouldn't get infectuous, but the last member of would never grow back anyway, serving as an everlasting remainder of some of the worst days of my young life.

Everything was quiet, and I was thankful for it. I needed time to think. However short my nap had been, it had restored my strength as well as my grim determination. As I'd already told Van, I didn't want him to yield to Abaddon's sick conditions. Of course that didn't mean that I would let this maniac slice me up. If I'd learned anything ever since I arrived on Gaia, it was staying alive and bearing the unbearable.

I needed to run away, and if I didn't want Abaddon or one of his cronies to steal another of my body parts, I would need to do it in the next twenty-four hours, whether I was ready or not. Since I had taken a lot of time figuring out the best way of escape, all I had to do was wait for the perfect oportunity.

Tomorrow was 'the day'. Tomorrow at lunch.

For the next couple of hours I did nothing more than trying to get as much rest as I could. I would certainly need it.

Time fled past in large dollops, as it always does when you fear something coming, and soon my stomach started to growl, as it always did since I stopped eating. It reminded me that the deadline was coming closer. The Neanderthaler would be arriving soon. The adrenaline in my blood surged high, creating a flutter of excitement in my stomach. I was cowering in my starting blocks like I had for a million times, preparing for a very special race. I was getting ready for the performance of my life.

* * *

_- _

_--_

_Heavy fotsteps echo from the slick stone walls. Gravel crunches under boots. Thoughts of what I'm going to do race through my head in endless repeat._

_-_

_Get ready._

_-_

_-- _

_Keys tinker, the door flies open. The hulk shuffles in, sets down the casserole, snatches away my dish and begins to hunker down to fill it. I tense up._

_- _

_Get set._

_ -_

_ --_

_He picks up the casserole with both hands and starts pouring the gooey liquid into the dish._

_Blot._

_Blot._

_- _

_ --_

_Blot._

_- _

_Go._

_-_

_-- _

--- 

**A**drenaline surged high as I bolted. I was acting as if I was in a bloodrush; my body moved in a blur while my conscience watched the whole scene as if it were a film, enrolling in front of my eyes in slow motion like in a bad action movie.

The huge man turned around at the sound of my footsteps, and my hand, clutching at one of my shoes, flew up--

The boot sailed towards his face and caused him to drop the pot, lift his hands in defense and bat it away--

The scalding liquid dribbled down his front and distracted him--

I watched my hand rise into the air, fingers clamped around the spoon and a heartbeat later a deafening howl tortured my ears. The handle of the spoon protruded from the brute's eye and blood was splattering to the floor. The man bellowed from shock and pain, covering his face with hands as large as plates.

Within the last fraction of the second before I turned away to run, this last scene burned into the back of my mind for the rest of my life. I was feeling sick and disgusted with myself, because this was actually the first time in my life that I purposely used violence against somebody, and my conscience demanded that I stop and help.

Still, the instinct of self-preservation urged me to GET THE HELL MOVING, so my legs started pumping at the highest possible rate, carrying me out of the cell and town the corridor.

At the slightest sound of stomping feet I dashed into a side passage. The Neanderthaler's yells had obviously riled up his comrades, a whole pack of which came clomping down the gallery into the opposite direction. As soon as they'd turned their backs, I slipped out of my hiding place and hastened away. The alarum I had caused had left the reception room deserted and I secretly blessed the Gods for my good luck while I crossed it in a few leaps.

Unfortunately, their assistance ended right here. As I scampered up the stairs, I accidentally slipped, fell and sprained my ankle. With a stinging foot and covered in sweat I arrived in the well-known hall only to find it crowded, and of course I didn't have a clue in which direction I had to go to find the exit.

Muffled shouts from the cellar told me that my adversaries were already in hot pursuit. After some quick thinking I decided that, if I wanted to shake them off, the direction they would be most unlikely to look for me was up the stairs. I clenched my teeth and hobbled into the staircase.

Thanks to the dull throbbing in my foot, each step took me an eternity to climb until I finally reached the top. Panting heavily, I took a moment to orientate. I'd arrived in a brightly lit corridor which was leading to …

YES!

I couldn't suppress a triumphant hiss as I felt the draught of fresh air coming through the door at the end of the passageway. Daylight was seeping through tiny cracks in the wood. I was on my way out!

The sound of hurried steps coming from the staircase urged me on and I limped towards the double-winged door. Hope gave me the strength that was necessary to wrench one of the sections wide enough as to let me out. I took off in a run and --

-- closely avoided running against a stone balustrade.

**J**ust in time I managed to skid to a stop and gaped. The door was an exit all right, but the courtyard I had been looking for was a good five metres below me!

I was standing on a narrow balcony, approximately the size of my room back on Earth, which overlooked the fortress grounds. The courtyard was filled with the hustle and bustle of a good hundred or more people; yells and various noises hovered through the air.

A bunch of guards was just emerging from under a small wooden roof which protruded from the wall below me. They were heavily armed and scurrying to the middle of the yard where a huge cluster of people had collected around a few who, by the appearance of it, had started a brawl. Curiosity got the better of me and I leaned forward to have a closer look.

Blades were glinting and more cries were drifting over. A loud snapping noise echoed from the walls several times, and all of a sudden a guard who was standing a short distance away collapsed, an arrow sticking out of his chest. Hang on, this didn't look like just another one of these ordinary skirmishes military men sometimes had … This was a real fight!

I backed off, heart pumping madly. My God, did I really get myself into a full-blown war? I was so immersed into the scene enrolling in front of my eyes that I nearly missed the thudding of heavy boots on the corridor floor. Just in time I whipped around to see one of the huge prison guards break through the door and barge in on the balcony.

As soon as he saw me, his moronic expression twisted into a gleeful smile, while mine froze.

I was trapped! I might have stood a chance of escaping if I'd been able to surprise and overwhelm him, but this precious moment was now spent. Slowly I retreated a step, then another as he approached, but all I could do was postpone the inevitable. The hulk was steadily coming nearer with outstretched hands, and too soon my back collided with the balustrade.

This, however, gave me an idea.

I could still get away, if I could but distract him for just a second…

Remembering a fighting technique I'd learned in my self-defence lessons, I drew a deep breath and shouted the first thing that came into my mind. More like, I yelled at the top of my lungs and as high-pitched as I could.

"BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

He recoiled just like I had hoped he would, hands twitching towards his ears, and I grabbed the rail, jumped and propelled myself over the barrier. I landed on the small roof and heard his furious snarl as I slid down the wooden structure. As dumb as these films usually were, I really had to give Steven Seagal credit for this idea ...

Elated with triumph I hopped off the lid and landed with a soft thud. Immediately my sprained ankle reminded me of its excistence by sending a wave of heat through my nerves.

**S**uddenly someone touched my shoulder. A cloud of reek crawled into my nostrils -- and the jolt I experienced in this second was nothing compared to what I'd felt previously.

I stumbled a few steps and scrambled around. Little icicles pierced my heart at the sight that greeted me. The handle of the spoon stuck out of his eye like I left it, and a small rivulet of blood was still running down his cheekbone, although the biggest part of the blood had already dried and caked around his wound. His face was contorted in rage as he just stood there before me, flexing his fingers menacingly.

If he managed to get hold of me, I was as sure as dead, no matter what Abaddon had ordered.

I retreated a few steps, mind working at full speed. I needed a weapon, something, anything to keep him off me! Out of pure desperation I grabbed one of the cannon-balls which were stocked in a basket next to me and waved it around.

"Don't come near me, or I'll hit you," I murmured.

A nasty smile was all I got for an answer, but, that was quite understandable. My gesture would have been way more intimidating if I had at least had enough strength as to lift the piece of ammunition high enough to pose a real threat…

If I ever managed to throw that thing, I'd have to make sure that it really hit him. I'd have to wait until he was close enough.

I concentrated and summoned my strength. He advanced once more, crackling his knuckles, and I had a notion that this was what would happen to my bones if he caught me, if the mad flicker in his eyes was any indication.

As he finally took his last step in my direction, I chanelled all my tension and my remaining energy into this throw. The cannon ball left my fingers, but the ballistic curve seemed to be too low. My heart skipped a beat as the thing lowered itself and then … hit home. More precisely, it hit his nuts.

Strike!

His howl triggered an impulse to bolt, and bolt I did. I didn't even know where to go, all that mattered was bringing as much distance between him and me as possible, so I fled past clouds of warriours, past dead or injured bodies. I didn't feel the stabbing pain in my foot, I wasn't even aware of arrows whizzing past, I just ran and ran.

A narrow staircase came into my view, leading up to one of the towers, and without thinking, I darted through it and frantically started climbing the steps. Only a small amount of light was coming through the window-slits and the door opening, and it was really hard not to miss the steps.

As I was already halfway up the steps, something huge suddenly blocked the doorway so that the whole room became as dark as a pitch. The rasping breath and heavy footsteps were telling me just WHO had blocked out the light, and my stomach flipped. My hunter was already at my heels, but I couldn't mount any faster. Bloody wheels were turning in front of my eyes; exhaustion, loss of blood and deprivation of food were finally taking their toll.

A vice grip closed around my ankle, a sharp tug threw me to the floor and I fell to his feet like a ripe fruit falls from a tree. The edge of one of the stairs hit me in the back and winded me, and I lay still, waiting for him to finish me off.

His stench of sweat, blood and dirt had already been overpowering whenever he came to feed me, but now that he was looming over my face, it was stifling. His remaining eye was glinting maliciously as he roared into my face, all the while spraying my cheeks with saliva. I tried to turn my head away from the disgusting odour coming out of his mouth, but one of his huge hands clamped around my jaw and wrenched it back into position.

I didn't understand what he was shouting, and I didn't care anymore. This was it. I'd tusseled and fought, but all to no avail. I ended up in a dead end. I was going to die.

So I closed my eyes, trying to summon Van's picture for the last time.

Without warning though, his shouting stopped; the hand throttling my throat let go and pinned both my wrists over my head instead. Mild curiosity at my captor's sudden change of attitude urged me to open my eyes again. I tried to permeate the bloody fog in my line of vision and finally saw the brute's hands groping around at his fly, opening it and pulling out…

-

--

---

**N**o.

No way.

He was not going to…

-

Fingers hooked behind the neckline of my blouse and unceremoniously ripped it off and I yelped. A snarl was audible as his good eye fixed on my bra, and he released my wrists in favour of reaching for it with both hands. Once again I attempted to fend him off, but he only batted away my weak arms and pulled roughly at the lacy trim.

A sudden feeling of chill on my bare skin indicated that he had been successful in removing the last barrier that stood between him and my humiliation, and I already knew he wasn't going to stop here. Dry sobs shook my body as he yanked my pants open, pulled them to my knees and grabbed my feet to push the knees against my chest.

The last bit of light mercifully drowned away as the huge silhouette of my torturer lowered onto me, and I closed my eyes again. Again, I would not give any of these people the satisfaction to see me plead or cry. Whatever they did to me, however much they humiliated me, they could not take away my dignity.

His hips bumped against the inside of my leg and I tensed up and braced myself for the worst. A loud bang resounded somewhere below me, but the hulk only gave a grunt and bucked against my pelvis again. Something jiggly jabbed the back of my thigh, and I shuddered at the close proximity that he was forcing on me.

I didn't know how it would feel like if he finally succeeded taking me, but I was already feeling nauseous with repulsion at the slight contact of his genitals against my skin. Technically, I was still a virgin, but it was not the mere physical act that frightened me. It was the fact that I had never been so close with anyone, not even with the man I loved. If I had to do something like this, I'd wanted it to be with someone I cared for. The mere thought that someone as disgusting as this fellow would be the one to have what I'd only wanted to give to someone special made me feel as if the world was coming to an end.

Another bang reverberated from the walls and, in order to distract myself from all the fondling that was going on around me, I wondered whether someone was shooting cannons somewhere. The hulk let go of my ankles and buried his hand between his thighs and out of my line of sight. After burrowing around for a bit he then relinquished my wrists as well, leaned over and supported his weight on his other arm.

The moment had come. My eyes fluttered shut.

Seconds later, loud clanking reached my ears, as well as a yell and a strange gurgling sound, followed by something warm dripping on my chest. I snapped my eyes open and gasped. The brute was still looming over me. His face was a bizarre mask of lust, blood and surprise, and as for the the reason for the latter…

The tip of a sword protruded from where had once been his throat. The warm liquid I've been feeling was his blood pulsing out of the gash. I stared, transfixed, and not yet ready to accept that I've been saved from the ultimate disgrace.

Slowly the metal retreated from the wound and the body of the guard slumped on me like a sack of potatoes. A thud along with a jerk of the body told me that someone kicked the corpse, and an all-too-familiar voice rang in my ears.

"Yewch, this is disgusting. Looks like he was about to rape her. Maybe the poor woman's still alive. C'mon, Allen, help me!"

The heavy weight rolled away from my crushed body, and I drew a deep shuddering breath as two silhouettes materialized in my line of vision. Two choked cries echoed from the wall, and two pairs of eyes were staring at me, one of them baby blue, the other fiery garnet.

Van and Allen.

They'd saved me in the last possible moment.

It was all over.

* * *

_to be continued …

* * *

_

_o.O man, did we cross the magical 100-review-threshold?! has anyone heard that BANG?_

_**Tsubasa-No-Kami 91:** that's what i've always been dreaming of. can you believe that i had to get seriously sick to actually start writing just our of pure boredom?_

_**Hearts of Eternity: **well, little hitomi was scared to death when van captured her snicker. you would have been surprised as well, wouldn't you? who would've suspected that van was hiding a drama queen beneath his gruff exterior?! there's more fluff to come, so stay tuned. btw, your confessions concerning stiliani really touched me. i'm glad you like her. i do it, too. _

_**akai chou:** oh my god. i'm not yet able to think about the last chapter without being properly ashamed. i don't consider rage the right mood to write love stories in. well, you told me you liked it, so it can't be all that bad. still… i'd much rather write in a calm mood. can't have me slaughtering someone of vital importance just because i'm pissed off :-p_

_**JaminJellyBean:** it's not that easy! like alesyira said, it can be hard as hell to find time to write. hope the wait was worth it._

_**RaversAnthem:** well, if ryry didn't join this nanowrimo-thingy… and if a certain someone hadn't decided to SO piss me off…, you wouldn't have had any new chapter at all. cough_

_**Kintora:** i won't be a killjoy by blabbing what's ahead of van''hitomi, read for yourself. now you're making me curious…how old are you? you must be much younger than me. i won't guess, because i suck at guessing ages._ _btw, _y_ou could always ask other authors for their opinion concerning your stories (i joined a storywriters' mailing list), and you could ask me as well. i'm always glad to help. that's what ff net is about._

_**Chisakami Saiyuki:** YOU tell ME… wuahahahaaaar!_

_**Inda:** ROFLMAO mr. king and ms. seer…nice one! _

_**Luraia Soul: **another commonplace twist…i think jigglykat wrote a story featuring this particular plot (attempted rape) in her 'rota fortunae'. d'you know that one?_

_**Chroma:** …? i'm certainly not a rabid allen fan, but i used to pride myself in not letting my partiality influence the way i characterize my heroes. this is how i remembered allen. he was self-centered AND i had a feeling that he was way too ceremonious for my liking. plus, don't forget that he's still under the influence of dornkirk's machine! the series didn't offer any solution for this problem, so i thought it wise to solve it on my own, and this is what i'm going to do later. don't worry, he's going to be much better! _

_**reLLik-o6:** there you go…_

_**Arayan:** i know that song…as long as you don't torture me by playing it on endless repeat, i'll be fine. putting pressure on me doesn't really work, so i'm afraid you will have to put up with my pace ;-). i did heed to your wish, though. van-heka and hitomi-chan will finally work out some things in the next installment. many things at that. keh, whatever._

_**sanctus-seira:** once again, thanks for the comment! i'm aware that meruru's plot came as a bit of a surprise. i wrote the last chapter in the course of several weeks and it just grew longer and longer. since i'm always in danger of spending too much time and words on details, i left the chapter lying for a day and then set to work erasing all parts that i considered boring or unnecessary. maybe i reviewed too thoroughly. it's not easy to find the proper pacing when you've got the whole plot already worked out in your mind…as far as the spelling and grammar mistakes are concerned, feel free to point out mistakes any time. you could always contact me via e-mail. i will be grateful for every hint. _

_**JadedTruth:** hitomi is a very self-dependent young lady, she doesn't always need someone to take care of her…;-) plus, her decision to run away was triggered by spite. i can understand why she acted just so. i would have reacted in the same way. van was a wee bit too overbearing for my liking…_

_**charice:** ;;( what exactly about hitomi annoyed you?but then again, somebody already told me that my humour can be annoying sometimes, so i guess my heroine's humour might be likewise o.O_

_**C.G Forever is Now:** seven words: i. have. a. life. besides. fic. writing. ;-p_

_**Spirit0:** sorry. did i already mention that i have a knack for bloody twists? hell, i worked with a medical examiner! on my first day they handed me a liver first thing and asked 'hold that for me, will ya?'. i nearly fainted, but you get used to things like that. anyway, i don't think there will be much blood in the next chapters, so there's no need to adapt. _

_**Ally-Moore:** whoah!!!_

_**KantoTheSlayer:** as you wish…_

_**Dark Killer Angel Naoki:** nah, do i look like someone who will torture her readers?! yes, i do. sorry about that, but i have a feeling you won't have it any other way…_

_**Auroratwin: **shakespeare fan, huh? btw, thanks for pointing out 'beast' to me. i didn't know that one so far, and reading it was like getting an early christmas present (whispers i'm a closet fan of IY…)!_

_**Strawberryz:** there you are…;-)_

_**cattleaya:** well, i've heard that most suicide victims do 'it' in order to gain attention. in these cases it isn't really suicide because they don't really want to kill themselves. this is the situation my hitomi finds herself in (note that in chapter one she's saying something like that), so she certainly hopes for van to sympathize with her. i hope, though, that you can also understand why van is reacting just so. how would you react if your loved one tried to kill him/herself instead of turning to you for help?as for the names, in a way they are gaian, and in another way they're not. since in greek mythology, "Gaia" is the goddess who gives birth to the earth, i figured it would be correct if i chose terrestrial names for my original characters. for the wolf tribe i picked names of german origin (for their guttural sound), the nekos' names are african (because of the tribal structure) and stiliani's name is greek. abaddon is hebraic and means 'destruction'. he was the arch angel of the abbyss (hear, hear)._

_**anna-neko:** crying unabashedly DON'T … FLATTER … DAMMIT!!!_

_**Elda Aranel:** portraying my characters is getting increasingly difficult. how am i going to describe a person's feelings when i've never been in a situation like that? jealousy and rejection i was able to deal with, but i certainly never got kidnapped or raped (i hope i never will!). anyway, i never committed suicide either, so i guess i'll just figure, like i did before …_

_**Saraneth The Binder:** nice pen name. somehow it reminds me of one of the super-uniques' names in diablo II (no offence meant!!!). i would've loved updating earlier, but at this moment, my life is a mess. oh well…_

_**fluer21:** yeah, computers really can make you addicted…i can't stay away for long as well…thanks for the fav!_


	11. Blaze

_darn. my computer snuffed it, and i still haven't figured out what's wrong with it. the transfer rate of my modem has got so slow that i can't view websites properly, let alone upload anything at all (that's why you haven't heard from me lately). i have the option of moving my computer into my living room (never ever!), of getting an expensive isdn-account or of leaving everything as insufficient as it is now, meaning that i have to take a detour everytime i want to use the internet. oh, joy!_

_anyway, please heed to the warning below. what happens in this chapter is important for the specific main plot van x hitomi, but you will have no difficulties in finding your way back into the story in case you decide to leave this chapter out. but then again, i already gave this story an 'r'-rating in order to discourage those who are too young (or too prissy) to read more mature scenes, so i think there will be no harm done. to sanctus seira: this won't be all, but ain't it a good start ;-p?_

_my review responses are turning into what might well be an faq-corner. if you happen to have a question concerning this story, you might find the answer there. i've already spilled my heart out concerning my leading motif for this story, my reasons for writing, the perspective i chose, the names of my oc's and so on. hell, i tend to be overly verbose, so you might as well profit from it._

_thanks to my thesaurus. i think i'm going to marry the editor ⌐⌐_

_**people who are easily offended by descriptions of mature situations are strongly advised not to read this chapter. i needed a break, and that's why there will be some mushy snogging going on. if you feel uncomfortable with that, don't read. you have been warned.**_

_**i don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori – sensei and co. the plot is my creation, so don't plagiarize. if you find any language mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.**_

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

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**Colours **

Chapter 11

**Blaze**

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**I** was safe.

-

-

-

Safe.

-

-

-

The truth of these words took a few moments to sink into my mind.

Seconds ago the brute had been on the brink of raping me, and now -

- all these days of torture and anguish, all this wondering whether Van would come and get me at all, and now -

- all these hours filled with the stench of sweat and blood, the gooey pulp, poisened with sleeping potion, and now -

- Abaddon threatening to cut me into ribbons, the sound of water dripping down the walls of my cell, and now -

- now it was all over.

I kept staring ahead of me, eyes trained onto the dead body of the man who had nearly raped me, without really seeing, and ears catching the excited chattering of my rescuers without really hearing their words. Everything just bounced off me.

I was safe.

"**S**he's traumatized, of course," a voice said next to my ear and jerked me out of my daze. A faint rustling was followed by the touch of cloth on my skin as someone tucked something around me to cover my nakedness, and a warm gloved hand searched for mine.

"Hitomi? Can you see me? I'm right here."

Van's considerate gesture, his words, slid down my throat and pooled in my stomach like hot soup, comforting and nourishing.

With some difficulty I tore my eyes off their object of scrutiny, turned my head and looked into his face. He'd sunk to his knees next to me and was threading his fingers through mine. The face that was looking back at me was serious, but there wasn't any other person on both our worlds who could possibly have the same soothing effect that his presence had on me.

My poor mind had difficulties in processing that, from one second to the other, I had been swept from a state of absolute doom to absolute safety and from despicable society into the arms of my true love. The rapid pitter-patter of my heartbeat took some time to slow down, and when it finally did, the knot that tangled up my guts dissolved all at once.

My eyes were starting to burn, and I knew I was fighting a lost cause. Already tears were pooling on my lower lids. It was there in the staircase of a murky watchtower in the middle of the enemy's fortress that I allowed myself to do what I haven't done in a while. I showed my weakness. I cried.

Van said nothing; he just gathered me in his arms and let my tears wash away the previous weeks'events. Although he was dressed in full battle gear, I could still hear the rumble of his voice deep in his chest when he spoke. It lulled me into a pleasant apathy in which the disturbing memories of the last few hours drifted far away, and eventually my sobbing subsided.

"We have to get her out here, Allen. She's suffered enough as it is, and I won't risk any other incident."

"You are right, my Lord," came Allen's murmur, "can you carry her?"

"Yes. Go see if the coast is clear, I would rather return directly."

"Very well, my Lord," was Allen's curt reply before disappearing footsteps indicated his immediate departure. A heartbeat later we were alone.

After a moment of silence I felt Van touch my cheek reassuringly.

"Ready to leave this hospitable place?" he whispered into my ear, and despite my wrecked condition I had to smile. He usually wasn't that sarcastic; the fact that he obviously went out of his way in an attempt to cheer me up touched me. I nodded weakly.

"Let's go," I mumbled and reached for him to pick me up.

**H**e didn't lift me at once, though. As soon as I looked at his face again, I could see why he was hesitating. His eyes were pointedly turned away from my bare legs and the light blush on his features was faint, but clearly distinguishable even in the dark.

"Oh," I muttered, feeling the heat rise into my cheeks, while trying to scramble back into what was left of my clothes. I wriggled into my pants, peeled the torn bra off my breast impatiently and groped around for the tunic I'd been wearing. As soon as I perceived the heap of tatters lying scattered across the stairs, however, I couldn't suppress a silent curse. The last act of a lecherous brute…

"Van," I murmured, "the hulk shredded my shirt, and I, um…can I keep this?" I pointed at the short cape he'd covered me with, and he frowned. I knew immediately what he was going to say.

"I know it's not much," I hurried to explain and pulled at the flimsy cloth, "but if I wrap it around me and if we find something to tie it shut, a belt maybe, then I could… what are you doing!"

Calloused fingers locked around the collar of the chain mail he was wearing and pulled it over his head, exposing an athletic chest which was only barely covered by some kind of flimsy undershirt. With a clinking sound the garment hit the ground and was shoved in my direction.

"Put that on," Van muttered with a lowered chin.

I inhaled to protest, but he rose his head and looked me directly into the eyes.

"Put that on," he repeated, "and never fear anything will happen to you again. You are safe now. Don't forget that."

With that, he picked up the armour and carefully lowered it onto my shoulders. The cool weight of metal pressed down on my skin, but in this moment I couldn't care less.

I kept staring at him.

His gesture stirred something inside me. Somehow I knew what he meant to say. After all the shit that had been happening to me he wanted me to feel safe above all. And really, for the first time in weeks I felt protected, cared for and secure. Absolutely so. Hunger, exhaustion, a lost finger, attempted rape; they all didn't affect me anymore. They just rolled off the glittering piece of armour I wore; they were thrown back by the shield Van's affection built around me.

This was the first time I fully realized how deep my feelings for him were. More than friendship, but I've known that already. More than a crush. More than giddiness, sweaty hands and a tingling in my tummy. More than butterfly kisses. More than what I've ever felt for Amano. Indefinitely more; it was almost scary.

Van was the man I've sworn to support and to give strength by means of my love. Now I found that he did the same for me.

The feeling this realization gave me was indescribable.

"Van," I breathed.

His gaze locked with mine, and for a moment everything else was shut out. I would have liked to stay like this for a moment, basking in his attention, but now we heard muffled shouts echoing off the walls, followed by a clanking noise and unrestrained cursing.

**V**an jumped to his feet and tried to peer down the staircase.

"Allen!" he asked tentatively. Another string of curses answered and I scrambled to my knees. I've never heard Allen using swear words, and I was positive that he possessed far too much self-control to even be tempted to do such a thing. That could only mean that we had unwanted visitors.

In a flash Van grabbed my wrist and pulled me behind him. Allen's voice was yelling from below.

"The exit is blocked, Mylord! Get away, and I'll make sure nobody's following you!"

Before I even knew what was happening, my whole world started tilting away from under my feet and I found myself swept up in Van's arms and hoisted up the stairs.

"Wait," I panted breathlessly, "Allen. We can't leave him like that!"

Van's voice was tense as he replied, "Yes, we can. We must, even. He is keeping those bastards away for as long as possible, and, if anything, we need a good head start."

"But…" I protested while Van took the stairs two by two.

"Shhh," he hissed, "we came to get you out of here, and that is what I am going to do, come hell or high water. Now stop wriggling or we will never get away, and then Allen's maneuvre would have been useless. You do not want that, do you?"

That shut me up at once. He was right. As much as I hated leaving Allen to his own devices, the fact remained that there was nothing we could do to help him except making good use of the advantage he'd bought us.

Van kept jumping up the stairs which didn't seem to end at all. He was already breathing heavily and I began to feel self-conscious. Not only did he have to carry me, but there was also the heavy armour I was wearing. Things would certainly have been easier if I dropped the chain-mail, but I didn't dare bring this topic up. Van was proud; he might have misunderstood my intentions.

After what seemed like an eternity we finally reached the top of the stairs and stepped out onto the crest. My companion cast a quick look around to search for a possible escape route. Two broad corridors were leading away from the tower; he broke into a trot and threw himself into the one which seemed to point away from the fortress.

**F**or once, Lady Luck appeared to smile on us. We didn't meet a single soul for minutes and the next watchtower, and with it the next potential exit, was already in sight. Not a single soul seemed to be here.

In front of us, the gangway widened to form some sort of platform, and the second we reached it, Van gently lowered me onto the railing to take a deep breath. His face was flushed from the previous exertion, with little beads of sweat running down his temples, and those bangs which kept falling into his eyes were soaked and stuck to his skin.

How different his appearance was, compared to the cold and distant façade he had presented to Abaddon days ago! A smile crept to my lips. He looked younger, too. Somehow his harassed look gave him a much more approachable air, making it hard to resist the urge to just hug him to death.

But then again, why should I resist? I had every right to hug him; even if it was just as a 'thank you' for saving me. Maybe he'd just let me…

My glassy gaze must have spoken volumes. Before I even finished this particular train of thoughts, and as if he'd read my mind, he shifted closer, deliberately invading personal space. Both hands settled on either side of me, so that I was trapped in a kind of cage formed by his arms.

Not that I minded, though. The corners of his mouth lifted slightly as he narrowed his eyes knowingly. I could feel my cheeks heat up. Was I being that obvious?

I wound my arms around his neck and hid my blushing face in his shoulder.

My words were strangely muffled as I murmured, "So how did you find me? It's not like the position of this hideaway place is widely known, or else you would've smoked them out of their holes much earlier, wouldn't you?"

His light snort brushed the side of my neck.

"Certainly. Do you remember the man who riled up the neko tribe? He really did lead a fairly large anti-royalist group. The scouts found a small cave near the village, and we think it must have been their gathering place."

"So this probably accounted for why chieftainess Adele never found any evidence of their existence," I supposed and Van nodded.

"We raided the cave and arrested as many of them as we could. Meruru questioned them and… well, you know how she can get when she is angry."

I shuddered involuntarily. Those traitors incorporated everything that the cat-woman hated. She didn't like dishonesty, but most of all she loathed illoyalty.

"How much was left of them?" I murmured.

Van chuckled and caused my chin to bob on his shoulder.

"Not much," he admitted, "they did survive, though, but only barely. Anyway, her row intimidated a few of the humans in the group and they started talking. We figured out where their headquarters were, Allen joined us with a group of warriors and we set out immediately. Thanks to Abaddon's call we knew we were headed into the right direction to get you back. And to our relief," here he lowered his voice considerably while the tip of his nose brushed my earlobe and sent electric sparks down into my guts, "we found you."

With closed eyes I let him nuzzle first the side of my neck, then my cheek. Much of my tension had melted away during our previous talk, so that I was able to thoroughly enjoy our newfound closeness. Although his touch was innocent enough, compared to what the hulk had done to me earlier, yet the warmth and the emotions accompanying it gave the whole situation something more intimate than the brute's attempted rape ever had.

"I was worried," Van whispered, leaning his forehead against my temple, "so worried. There is something really important you need to know, and I was afraid I would not be able to tell you anymore."

From the way his voice sounded I could tell that he really had substantial matters to talk about. In these cases his light baritone always assumed a certain dark timbre which gave him away. Had Abaddon known this, he would have been able to unmask Van's act easily, but I suppose it wouldn't have mattered much, as he was hell-bent on cutting me to pieces anyway.

However, what was more important was that this timbre was directed at ME right now, and instantly all sorts of crazy hopes flared up in my mind. My breath nearly hitched in anticipation. Coming up ahead might very well be one of the most important moments in a girl's life, and this time, THIS TIME, I was not going to run away!

I gave my vis-à-vis what I thought to be an encouraging smile and curled my fingers into his shoulder blades. Just as I expected him to speak -

- our extraordinary streak of luck ended abruptly.

**Y**ells and the sound of metal scraping against stone bounced off the walls. Through a cloud of dust stirred up by the fight, the silhouettes of several persons appeared on our right and approached quickly.

Van's reaction clearly told me that they did not belong to our party. He locked his fingers around my wrist and pulled me into the opposite direction. I stumbled after him, adrenaline surging through my system. Damn, it seemed like I hadn't done anything else today but run mindlessly!

The next watchtower was maybe two hundred metres away. Usually, this was a distance I uesd to have no problem running. Now, however, things were different. Excitement, bloodloss, physical and mental outburn tugged at my limbs and made every step appear as if I had dumb-bells tied to my feet. I fell out of breath after just a few steps, and Van had to drag me forwards. My pulse was roaring in my ears so that I didn't even understand what he was yelling. I guess it might have been something along the lines of 'hurry up', because the shadows our followers cast on the floor grew larger and larger each second.

The mad chase lasted for a few seconds until we finally arrived at the platform of the tower. I was about to throw myself into the staircase when I suddenly realized that the entrance was blocked by a very solid-looking wooden door. A huge padlock was dangling from a massive bar. The door was locked, and there was no other gangway leading away. We were trapped.

As I'd poured my last ounce of strength into our desperate dash to the watchtower, my disappointment drained me of all my remaining power. I wanted nothing more than sink to the floor. Luckily, Van's grip on my upper arm prevented me from falling. He looked around wildly and pulled me to the railing, all the while tugging at the hilt of his sword.

"Climb onto the balustrade, Hitomi," he said tersely and stepped in front of me protectively.

The pounding of heavy boots came closer and obediently I tried to scramble onto the low wall. All the muscles in my arms felt like putty, and I clawed at the rough stone, whimpering as I accidentally ripped open the wound on my pinky finger. My hands lost their grip; gravity mercilessly pulled me back to the floor and made me lose precious seconds.

Behind my back, the tinkering of colliding swords urged me on. They were here already. I ground my teeth and dug my fingers into the cold material again. _C'mon, woman,_ I scolded myself, _this is no time for weakness!_ Slowly, but surely, I hauled myself up and eventually succeeded in lifting one of my legs over the rim. With one last effort and a relieved sigh I finally managed to drag myself onto the rail, straightened up and got to my feet gingerly.

Turning around to face the music, I could see Van hacking away at one of our bulky pursuers. He narrowly dodged a vicious swipe from his opponent and I let out an anxious squeak, causing him as well as his adversary to swivel around in alarm. Both reacted in the same span of time, but Van, armour-less and of a much lighter build than the heavy guard, managed to whirl back faster and used the moment of distraction on his opponent's side to plunge his blade deeply into the other man's unprotected flank. The guard went limp and sagged against the wall while Van, panting heavily, pulled his sword out of the body and turned towards me.

He made a few quick steps to reach the stone barrier and began climbing up when several things were starting to happen simultaneously. Although Van was still searching for footing on the narrow stone wall, another bunch of guards hastened around the corner. They noticed us immediately (we weren't exactly hard to miss, though), and a unison cry of triumph shattered my ears. Weapons were being brandished, and with a sinking feeling I spotted at least three loaded crossbows pointing into our direction.

**S**econds later the first bolt was whizzing past me. In the same instant, a tall man in golden armour arrived at the balustrade, slashing out with his sword at random. He nearly missed Van's feet; Van swayed to the side and stumbled backwards. It looked like he was tumbling right over the outer rim of the wall. I screamed again and desperately reached for his hand in an effort to snatch him away from the edge he had come dangerously close to.

To my surprise he didn't let me pull him back to safety. Instead, he gave an almighty tug at my hand, yanked me to his side and once again headed for the abyss that was opening in front of our feet, dragging me with him. My first instinct was to resist, and Van's head whipped around. Irritation caused his eyes to shine almost crimson. He looked almost demonic, and I winced.

"Come ON, Hitomi!" he bellowed and jerked me one step closer to the rim.

Only a moment later, realization hit me. I gave in.

Unfortunatly, this moment was all they needed.

The solid ground under my feet pitched away. I felt myself pressed against Van's form and turned away from the source of danger, but that didn't stop me from seeing another bolt flying at us, from feeling the impact with which it collided with Van's body and hearing his hiss of pain.

The platform quickly disappeared from my sight as we tumbled towards the ground helplessly…

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_to be continued…_

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_nah! c'mon, even i know my limits ;-P!_

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**T**he wind was howling around us, and if I had dared open my eyes, I would have seen our surroundings becoming a blur. In spite of that I had my eyes pinched shut, because I refused to watch the ground coming nearer each second. We were falling into the bottomless abbyss which I had viewed from my cell every day, and there was nothing I could do to prevent us from shattering on the ground. There was only one of us who could save us, and he was… he was…!

His head was lowered, lolling about in the draught of air whooshing past us, but his arms were still wrapped around my waist in a protective manner. I could feel his chest heaving with laboured breathing.

"Van?" I asked, unable to filter sheer panic out of my voice, "Van, what is it? Say something, please."

Instead of an answer I heard a ripping noise as something huge, something of blinding white erupted from his back. Our fall slowed down so abruptly that I felt myself slipping out of Van's grip. With a shriek I clawed at what was left of his shirt and held only shreds in my fist as I plummeted—

It was only a few moments of terror later that I realized I was not falling at all. Van had caught the waistband of my pants and held me tightly as he turned our free fall into a glide. Agony darkened the colour of his irises, but his jaw was set into an expression of grim determination as his gaze settled on the opposite side of the valley. Soon we were quickly approaching a peculiar-looking rock formation protruding from the wall and steered right at it as if we wanted to hit it.

In the last possible moment Van swooped around the boulder and I could see that, hidden behind it, a dent opened in the enormous precipice that framed the abyss. This was where Van was headed with powerful strokes of his wings, and this was where I finally touched the ground after he had landed. This was also where we both fell to the ground exhausted, and enjoyed a few seconds of chill-out.

**-**

**-**

**-**

**I** was resolved not to move for the next twenty-four hours. Adrenaline was still high in my system and the urge to just curl into a ball and go to sleep became overwhelming, when…

"Hitomi?"

"…"

„Hitomi! Come on, we need to leave!"

I groaned, but Van was really persistent. He started prodding me and grumpily I gave in and rolled around to face him. With his tousled hair standing into all directions he did look like a pirate, and he looked extremely strained as well.

"Look," I complained, "we need a rest. Can't we just stay for a nap? It's not like they can fly, so they're not likely to turn up anytime soon, aren't they?"

Van sighed.

"We were very easy to spot from the watchtower," he replied impatiently, "and they have some leviships, I'm afraid. They CAN fly, and since you have been their most important trump card, Abaddon is going to go any length to retrieve you. They are VERY likely to turn up soon. We have to hide in the woods, and the farther away we can get before it is getting dark the better."

I shuddered. The mere mention of Abaddon's name brought back uncomfortable memories. I loathed the idea of returning under his custody, so I gave in immediately and scrambled up as quickly as I could.

Van gave me a weak smile and held out his hand. As soon as I felt his fingers wrapped around mine, I felt loads better.

"All right," I murmured, "let's hit the tiles, then."

We set off in a hurried pace and soon reached the edge of the forest, but I still had no idea what kind of hell lay in front of me...

**F**or the next hours, nothing but the next step mattered to me. I set one foot after the other without being aware where I was going.

The path we were walking on was very bad. It wasn't really a path all the times; sometimes there was nothing more than a gap in the shrubbery. We had to climb over roots and squeeze through thick clumps of bushes, and every now and then the way seemed to end, forcing us to take a detour around a tree or something else. I had already slipped a few times, and if I wanted to avoid spraining my ankle even more that I already had, I had to tread carefully, so I kept my gaze fixed to the ground.

I had to concentrate very hard to keep myself from thinking about how tired I was. If I did, I was liable to sink to the floor and fall into a comatose sleep for at least a year. I needed to keep myself from thinking about the throbbing in my ankle, the pounding in my hand - where the wound on my finger had slowly started healing again – and my burning feet. Most important of all, I had to distract myself from recurring fantasies of little old me in Abaddon's cold fingers again.

It was better to count the steps I made than stirring up memories of my last hours in the traitors' fortress. However, as the figure reached the ten thousands, I lost track of the number and gave up.

So I trotted on behind Van… and walked… and walked… and walked -

- and bumped right into Van's back. My nose had an uncomfortable encounter with one of his shoulder blades and I recoiled.

"Ouch!"

He turned around and signalled silence. I froze.

Everything remained quiet around us, and after a few seconds Van's posture relaxed.

"Dusk is going to fall soon," he whispered, "and it will be too dangerous to go on. I do not much like the idea of staying in one spot for several hours, but I reckon it will still be better than walking in the pitch dark."

I'd only heard the word 'stay' and muttered incredulously, "So are we going to stop right here!"

To my relief he shook his head and looked around as if he expected some guesthouse to appear out of thin air. "We will have to look for some kind of shelter, I guess. I have no idea where we are and where we might find something..."

He cast an almost helpless glance around, but then his gaze fixed on something and his eyes narrowed.

"Look," he pointed into a random direction and I obediently turned my eyes his way, "the vegetation seems to disperse a bit over there. It might be only a clearing, but there could also be a creek or something like that. Let us go and see, maybe we will find some fresh water."

Fresh water would be nice. After all, we didn't have anything with us but the clothes on our backs, and even those were badly torn. I nodded dumbly and followed him as he trotted away to the right towards a particularly entangled patch of shrubbery. Apathetically I watched him struggle his way through and heard him hissing as one of the ranks pricked his skin.

"You could use your sword, couldn't you? To cut the twigs?" I suggested, and Van shook his head.

"A sword isn't that sharp, Hitomi. It is dangerous because of the sheer force of the impact administered on the adversary. You would need something as a bush knife or… Hang on…" his expression became thoughtful, "This IS an idea…"

He stooped down and reached into the shaft of his boot. When his fist re-emerged, he clutched a long, peculiar-looking knife in it. I watched it curiously; the blade was made of a milky-white, translucient material and slightly curved like a scimitar. All in all the thing wasn't as long or broad as Abaddon's instrument, but in a funny way, it did look even more dangerous. Somehow, it screamed death.

As I watched Van handle the knife, I had to shudder. The blade seemed to cut though the tangled branches without the slightest effort; I had the impression that the twigs parted voluntarily before it touched them. Where did Van get this thing? And what, I shivered again at the thought, what was he planning to use it for? If this knife parted branches that easily, what more could it do against people?

A minute later, the way was clear. Hesitantly I stepped through the remainder of what had once been a nearly insurmountable barrier on my way and joined Van, who, thankfully, had already put the hideous knife back into its hiding place and was observing his surrounding with a pleased countenance.

I followed his gaze and saw that we were standing on a broad opening. The ground was covered with cobblestone and indicated that this, indeed, was an artificial construction. We were standing on a road, and although it was completely covered with moss and thus didn't appear to be in use anymore, it might still lead us towards some civilized region.

Van looked at me, smiling, and smiling back I took his hand once more and let him lead me down the alley.

"Which direction?" he asked quietly, and I closed my eyes and let my intuition decide.

"Left," I answered, and without hesitation Van followed my advice.

About ten minutes later we were standing in front of the ruins.

-

-

-

**T**he main building must have been enormous; some of the cracked walls had an intimidating height. The whole complex consisted of several houses, some of which had already collapsed, while others still existed as a whole. Most of the place had been claimed back by nature. Ivy ranked on the carved frames; trees and weeds had sprouted all over the grounds and some of them even poked their heads through the gaping hole that had probably served as an entrance door.

It was a sad view, seeing the once magnificent building in such a neglected state. What disturbed me even more was the fact that the house seemed to be _living_. A strange presence was haunting the whole place; the windows appeared to be staring at us reproachfully, and I automatically shifted closer to my companion.

"What…" the echo of my voice boomed around us and I flinched and only dared continue in a whisper, "what is this place?"

Van didn't answer immediately. I could see a strangely vigilant look on his face. His eyes flitted into all directions, taking in details of the construction and probably searching for possible dangers. I wouldn't be surprised if he could feel it, too.

"Van?" I tried once again, "I feel uncomfortable. The whole place seems to reject us… somehow. Perhaps we should better leave."

I started to turn away when Van's grip on my hand intensified and caused me to turn to him askance.

"Wait," he breathed, an awed expression on his face. "If my assumption is correct, we will be safer here than anywhere else on Gaia!"

The prickling in my neck increased as if I was being watched by somebody. Safe? Here! I couldn't believe that Van of all people, my mistrustful Van, could be able to imagine such a thing!

"This place is creepy," I scoffed, "I can feel all sorts of vibes here, and I just can't sort out what they are. They might be dangerous."

Van interrupted me with a shake of his head and a smile which I found slightly inappropriate, considering which situation we were in.

"When I was a boy," he explained in a dreamy tone, "an adventurer came to father one day, claiming to have found a temple of unknown origin somewhere in the Forest of Adom. He even brought some artefacts to prove it and wanted to return there to go looking for gold and energists, so he asked for father's permission to explore it. Father didn't like the idea and sent him away. He told him to return the following morning, but the man never came back.

"Later we heard that he had died in the very same night he had been to see father, and that he had died in a very peculiar way, too. He seems to have told his wife about hearing strange voices, and in the middle of the night he walked out of his house, climbed onto a watchtower and jumped to death, with all the artefacts he had brought clutched in his arms."

As I frowned confusedly, he directed a meaningful look at me and continued, "Father's historians figured out that the temple must have been Atlantean. They thought that the man's intrusion had somehow been punished by the Atlantean Gods the temple had been dedicated to, and that this had been the reason why – and how – he died. Since then, every now and then rumours occurred of more Atlantean relics to be found all over Gaia, and of strange magical properties they possess."

The implications of what Van had just said were overwhelming and left me breathless. This building… of Atlantean origin? I wanted to dismiss the idea as ridiculous, but my gut instinct whispered that it might be true. The memory of our trip to the Valley of Mysteries was vividly enrolling in front of my inner eye. I'd had the same feeling there, the notion of being surrounded by invisible powers and hearing inaudible whispers.

My gaze wandered over the intricate design of the window sills, then delved into the darkness that was gaping behind the opening. So majestic, so impressive. The spirits of the ancient gods seemed to still linger here. I could feel them floating around us, jealously watching us invade a place that was genuinely theirs and readying themselves to strike us down. A chill ran down my spine.

"Hang on," I protested,"what if you are right and this IS Atlantean? The man you told me about was killed by these forces! What if we get killed as well? How can you be so sure we won't meet the same end?"

A warm laugh and a soft rustle made me turn towards him. I was greeted with the sight of his wings spread wide behind his back as if, for the first time in his life, he was actually proud of the obvious signs of his Draconian heritage protruding from his shoulder blades. The light of the sunset cast different shades of red on his feathers, varying from flaming orange to a pale pink, and also surrounded his figure with an uneartly glow as if he were ablaze. He looked demonic and at the same time inhumanely beautiful.

"Because," he said, while I was staring wide-eyed at the real-life version of the vision I'd had back in Abaddon's prison, "he was not Atlantean. But we both are, in a way."

He flashed his smile again, and my knees buckled. Slowly I sank to the floor, unable to avert my eyes and trying to burn his image into the back of my mind for ever. This vision, this dream, had not been a trick of my over-active imagination. It had been real and a hint at what was lying ahead of me.

So what if we were trespassing on foreign grounds? So what if we got killed? It didn't really matter. My future and my designated place in this life awaited me wherever Van happened to be. I only had to follow him…

Words penetrated my momentary stupor.

"Are you coming, Hitomi?"

With a finaly shake of the head I agreed weakly, scrambled to my feet and went after Van into the pitch-black emptiness that had once been the entrance hall of an ancient Atlantean temple. I still had a funny feeling about it all, but a roof over my head and a winged god in my company easily outweighed all doubts. If someone wanted to punish me, I'd let them…

* * *

**A**bout one and a half hours later we were finally settled. To Van's dismay, most of the rooms were already caved in and thus useless. He was scouring the ruins for a suitable location, rejecting many rooms as being too large, too small, too humid and so on until, just when I was beginning to despair of being sheltered before nightfall, he suddenly declared himself satisfied. The place he chose was fairly dry with some sort of platform in smack centre of the room; it even had a fireplace. 

While my companion tried to light a small fire, I strolled about the whole complex to scout for anything useful. A few days in Abaddon's prison had turned me ingenious, and I triumphantly returned loaded with treasures. The platform – the only completely dry spot in the whole room – was declared our bed and equipped with some of the mouldy altar hangings and a curtain serving as a blanket. I even found a large basin which was ideal for carrying water from the spring I'd found in one of the yards.

Van was hardly able to suppress an amused face as I returned from my raid, glowing with pride.

"So," he retorted with the corners of his mouth twitching incontrollably, "you did turn this rat-hole into quite a luxury suite after all?"

Giggling, I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the centre of the room. Maybe the relief about having someplace to rest safely made me feel too giddy, but I didn't really care. When had I last had the opportunity to fool around a bit, after all?

"Yes, I did. I even got us a blanket. Come and see!"

I dragged him towards the platform and bullied him into sitting down on the heap of tatters. More pestering on my part urged him to admit that, yes, indeed, he was comfortable, and I crawled in his lap contentedly, wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck.

"I still have to look after the fire, Hitomi," he gently admonished, but luckily for me he made no move to make use of his threat.

"Let's just stay like this for a while, please?" I begged.

**I**nstead of an answer he sighed; his arms came up to loop around my waist and pull me close to him. After a while I could hear his breath calming down; then the rapid pattering of his heartbeat slowed and his posture finally relaxed. Everything around us grew silent. My frivolous mood drifted away just like dust in the breeze, and all that remained was us.

"Thank you," I murmured.

"Mh?" the little sound he made caused his throat to vibrate against my cheek, "what for?"

"For saving me, in more than one way. You know what Abaddon had in store for me… and you saw what the brute was about to do… and you, " I gulped, feeling my lids starting to burn, "you can probably imagine how lost I felt without you. Thank you. You don't know how much it meant to me."

I sniffled and Van immediately took my shoulders and gently pushed me a few centimetres away from his face. He brushed the pad of his thumb over my trembling lower lip, single-handedly scattering the invisible dam that held back my tears, and immediately the floodgates opened.

I never cried when bad things actually happened, but I always did it when everything was over or when someone started to console me. I don't know why I reacted in this way. Something peculiar about me, I guess, but that didn't make the situation any less compromising. I really was ashamed.

Van quietly spoke my name, and suddenly it became urgent that I stop bawling and making a fool out of myself. Almost defiantly I wiped at the moist streaks running down the side of my face and tried to form coherent words.

"I k-know it's all over," I hiccoughed, "and I was s-so happy when I saw you c-came for me. It's just that I f-fucked up big time again and I thought you decided you've h-had enough!"

Despite my blurred vision I could see Van slowly shaking his head. A tinge of discouragement hung in his voice as he spoke.

"What kind of person do you think I am, Hitomi? You should know that I would never leave you hanging like that…"

Way to go, Hitomi. How thick could I be? Of course I knew that. Of all people, Van was the most caring and loyal person I've ever met in my whole life. Not my own family, not even my once best friend Yukari's loyalty had proven to be beyond doubt. His was, and I wanted to slap myself.

The lump forming in my throat prevented speaking, so I hugged him tightly instead. After a tremulous "F-forgive me" my forehead sank against his shoulder, and thus I rather felt than heard his next words.

"Besides, it was not your fault Abaddon't minions caught you. It was mine, and mine alone. I had already figured out that something fishy was going on by then. That is why I should not have let you walk out of my sight. In the end I underestimated Abaddon's hunger for power, and I am sorry that it was you who had to pay."

"Served me right," I muttered into the last shreds of what was left of his undershirt, "that's what I got for running away."

Van's chest heaved under a long sigh.

"Do not do it again, then," he suggested half-jokingly, "at least try not to run away as long as you do not have a reason for it."

"But I did," I protested with a half-chuckle, half-sob, "I was… flustered, kind of. You kissed me senseless in front of all these people, and instead of doing it again you switched into 'jerk'-mode without warning. That's why I was mad at you and that's why I had every reason to run away and leave you standing."

Van snorted and turned away his head, but not quickly enough to hide the faint blush that started to spread over his face.

"Whatever is going on in a woman's mind," he mumbled, and a strange cockiness began to gain the upper hand in me, effectively stoppping the tears from threatening to spill over.

All queasiness forgotten, I watched him with a half-suppressed smile. His embarassment was boyish and provided an absolute contrast to the behaviour I would have found appropriate for a twenty-one-year-old in his situation. He couldn't be that experienced in the matter of love, could he?

- But then, what did I have to boast about?

While I shortly wondered how many people knew his private side, he squirmed under my scrutiny, and I found it so cute that I couldn't stop myself from whispering, "Do you know that you're blushing?" and pecking a tiny kiss on his throat.

-

-

-

**I**t was a spur-of-the-moment – thing, really, but it did change everything.

Van froze. He obviously didn't know how to react to this, and the silence stretched into seconds and, at the same time, tension started to build. Judging from the continually increasing fluttering in my stomach and from the way his fingers dug into my flanks, it was not of a bad kind.

I turned my head for a fraction and could see out of the corner of my eyes that he had closed his. Our faces were so near that I could feel the heat that was radiating off his cheeks on my skin like sunbeams. Another fraction bought a corner of my lips close to his jawbone. Or was I already touching…?

All thoughts came slamming to a stop as he abruptly leaned in and tentatively nipped at my earlobe. At once an electric jolt surged through my nerves and rapidly spread down to my toes and to the last ends of my hair. Slowly his lips began moving over my skin, and every millimetre seemed to suck more strength out of my muscles until I finally slumped bonelessly against his chest.

My face was leaning against the warm, smooth skin of his neck which was practically begging me to bury my nose in the tiny dimple formed by his clavicle. Van's form twitched, and I withdrew only to press my lips softly against the same spot, thus eliciting a deep, shuddering sigh.

I nudged my way up the column of his neck until I reached his chin and he met me halfway to his mouth. So we kissed.

And kissed, and kissed…

He was working my liplock first shyly, then in a smooth, increasingly aggressive way that triggered all sorts of funny reactions in my body. Liquid heat was sloshing around in my abdomen which broke into an eruption every time our lips met or seperated. I couldn't get enough of him; mutual attraction pulling us together over and over again.

As he gently grabbed my lower lip and tugged on it, something in the region of my loins started to churn, causing me to break the kiss with a surprised gasp. Van was breathing heavily; mouth slightly agape. His lids snapped open to reveal crimson irises, and the startled expression in them told me that the sheer force of our physical reaction to the kiss had nonplussed him as much as it had me.

The situation had nearly been out of control, and neither of us would be able to tell whether it might happen again.

_Oh my god._

-

-

-

**T**he seconds ticked away. I'd finally found rudimental control over my raging emotions, and albeit my … 'distraction', sort of… I noticed that Van was looking every bit as silly as I was feeling. He was staring at me like a moon calf. So did I, obviously, because just as I wasn't expecting it, Van turned away with a snicker that soon turned into a soft laugh. It was contagious; I had to join him a moment later, and only eventually the giggling subsided and left us even more out of breath than we had been before.

Man, what a mess love could be…

I was thrilled to find that the exquisite tingling in my tummy didn't recede at all; on the contrary, it seemed to increase at the unique sight of Van laughing freely for the first time in my life. His mere presence was spellbinding to me and made me yearn for more at all cost.

Carefully I shuffled closer, and slid my palms over his shoulders and down his back to lock safely around his waist.

"I didn't know you were that electrifying," I tried to joke, "you better warn me next time, lover boy."

With a snort, Van pulled away slightly.

"What do you mean by 'next time'?" he wanted to know, and I wasn't surprised to detect all sorts of undertones in his voice, all of which caused a shiver to run down my neck.

I leaned back to peer at him with a calculating glance. His face was still flushed, his eyes glossy, and I figured he didn't look the least opposed to continuing exactly where we had just left. The fact that he was immediately closing distance proved me right. Wordlessly he was asking permission to go on, eagerly I consented and our lips met in a kiss, although this time it was sweet and lingering instead of ravenuous.

It was like flying and sinking into a bottomless pit at the same time. A clump of warmth which was continually emitting volleys of tiny electical shockwaves, was sinking through my body and I felt like someone was starting to coil a spring inside me as tightly as possible. It was a glorious experience; I could have carried on for ever.

**T**he moment in which he twitched and uttered a pain-induced hiss, I knew someone had it in for me.

Of course, there was just no time for acting silly again. One moment we seperated, and in the next my eyes panically scanned his form for the cause of his affliction. I saw that my fingers were curled into what was left of his undershirt, loosened my hold and immediately noticed the sticky wetness beneath my palm.

With a flick of my wrist I tore off the last shreds of cloth which were already soaked with his blood anyway. The sight of a deep gash in his flank greeted me. Blood had caked all around the rim in an initial process of healing, but the wound had re-opened under my vice grip and now appeared to be staring at me reproachfully.

I groaned. Of course I hadn't treated it. I'd totally forgotten about it, even. He'd been shot in the moment in which he took off from the landing… and how he had managed to walk through the forest all day with me without complaining even once was beneath me.

"Why didn't you remind me of that?" I inquired with narrowed eyes and brushed the edge of the tear with my fingertips, thus eliciting another hiss.

"Careful," he demanded from between clenched teeth and added, "we needed to get away quickly. Besides, it's only superficial, like a scratch. It will probably heal off soon without any treatment at all."

"Lay down," I commanded sternly, "I'll wash it."

He inhaled to protest, but I interrupted him already.

"Please don't play the hero, Van. It's looking hideous, and it apparently hurts. YOU got it to save me, so it's MY responsibility to at least keep it from getting infectuous. Just let me wash it. Please," I added imploringly, and Van sank back reluctantly with an exasperated grunt while I went to retrieve some water.

I congratulated myself for finding the huge basin earlier, because the idea to warm up some of the water I'd brought in it now turned out to be priceless. With a small amount of the hot liquid I returned to where Van was lying sprawled on the 'bed', and used the rags that had been his shirt for dabbing around the injury. He didn't utter a sound, but I could see from the way his jaw twitched that it did hurt, and my mood grew dark. _Talking about a scratch, bleh!_

Luckily for us, his prediction about the cut being rather shallow turned out to be correct. Our fall must have been fairly unpredictable, accounting for why the bolt had apparently only grazed Van's flank. As soon as I sucessfully removed the grit and dried blood around it, the damage didn't seem to be too bad.

"I'm afraid I have nothing to bandage you," I admitted," but it'll most probably heal over night anyway, unless you move around too much. Try to sleep on your right side or on your back."

"Okay," Van muttered weakly, "I will try. Thank you for fixing me up."

"Nevermind," I yawned, stricken by a sudden surge of fatigue, and flumped into the heap of tatters beside him, "let's just call it a day, then?"

I earned a feeble 'mmh' and comfortable silence spread around us. Now that the frequency of my heartbeat finally returned back to normal, I could actually feel my body aching from exhaustion. I had to confess that I wasn't too sad about the unholy interruption of our little fling, although it HAD felt nice. However, we still had the next day to continue, now that we were 'official', kind of, and with this consolation I dug myself deeper into the rancid –smelling cloth and tried to get to sleep.

-

-

-

**A**fter god-knows-how-many futile attempts I gave up. The faint glow of the flourescent hands on my watch told me impassionately that I'd spent the last three hours tossing and turning from one side to the other without actually being able to catch a bit of sleep. Despite the fact that exhaustion lay on my senses like a heavy blanket, despite the fact that I felt like my limbs were made of lead, my conscience just wouldn't drift off.

I'd just turned to the back, but my new position already started to bother me. With a groan I tried to roll to the other side into what usually was my favourite position to sleep, but I had a hard time even lifting my shoulder. A faint tinkering noise made me want to pound the whole building into rubble from exasperation.

_This goddamned chain mail… !_

Accompanied by a pitiful whimper, the fingers of my right hand clenched around the rotting cloth I was lying on. I had half a mind to yell, and only the thought of Van kept me quiet.

He DID mean well when he gave it to me, and it DID serve its purpose in keeping me safe and unscathed, but sleeping in this thing had proven to be impossible. Even a small movement triggered a clinking sound, and the heavy steel was pressing on my chest and made it hard to breathe. Parts of my skin would be pinched between the joints, and my burrowing had caused some strands of my hair to become entangled with the neckline and made it impossible to turn my head without seriously pulling on my hair.

I might have taken it off if it weren't for the fact that it was the only item of clothing on my back…

In lack of a suitable solution I was looked forward to a long, rough night. I sighed again and was abount to squirm into a more promising position when the calm sound of Van's voice echoed from the low ceiling.

"What is it you are upset about?"

"Oh, no," I whined, terrified, "I woke you, didn't I? I'm so sorry!"

He turned on his back and watched me intently.

"What are you upset about?" he repeated and added, "you didn't wake me. I have been awake for the whole time, because I could not sleep."

"I'm not upset," I murmured, "I just can't sleep in this frigging chain-mail. I'm not a tough warrior like you, so I guess I'm just not used to doing it."

Van shook his head and replied drily, "Even warriors won't sleep with that thing on, no matter how tough they are. They usually take it off before laying down."

"And this is something," I quipped, "I'm in no position to do. Except you want me to, uh…" man, I wished the blush would already vanish from my face, "unless you want me to strip naked and freeze to death, that is!" I finally blurted out. There, I said it.

Van, who had already opened his mouth to answer, closed it again with a sheepish expression.

"I didn't think of that," he admitted and looked away.

For a long time none of us said anything. Finally my companion sat up abruptly. I perceived his poorly hidden grimace of pain and wondered what he was up to, but I certainly didn't expect what he did then. He peeled away his part of the 'blanket' and shoved it into my direction. All I could do was stare at him askance.

"You take that," he muttered,"and wrap it around you, so you won't be cold."

I backed off with a gesture of denial.

"No way," I renounced, "what about YOU? If you don't cover yourself, you are bound to attract pneumonia or even worse."

"No need to fuss," he answered sternly , "I'm used to that kind of life. The fire will keep me warm enough. Besides, I need to get up and check for possible intruders from time to time anyway."

"I don't think so," I bitched and shook my head to emphasize my point, "not with your wound still open. Besides, you won't be able to sleep either, and you need rest, while I've had a lot of sleep back at the fortress. I'll be all right, you know. One night without sleep won't kill me. Er… Van!"

My last words literally bounced off his back. With an exaggerated sigh he slumped down on his lair, turned around obstinately and curled into a ball in a blatant refusal to hear me out.

"Go to sleep, Hitomi," was his muffled answer, and I bristled indignantly.

**B**oy, what a pig-headed, over-protective bastard he could be! Silently I fumed for a few minutes, only to come up with the even more irritating result that he was probably right. I needed my rest as well as he did. By no means we were safe yet; neither of us could afford to slow us down on our escape. Abaddon could be expected to resume his search with renewed forces tomorrow, and if he found us, we were going to be doomed.

I had to sleep, and for that I had to remove the irritating item and crawl under the blanket. Half-naked, if need be (and there WAS a need to do so).

However… a more stubborn part of me absolutely spurned the idea of leaving Van unprotected. I had to share the blanket for the sake of his health, although the implications of this train of thought caused me to blush twenty shades of red.

Still… what kind of lover would I be if I let him sacrifice his well-being just for my modesty's sake? In the long run, it was either my pride or my prudery I had to sacrifice, and honestly, what was more important?

In an instant I'd pulled the heavy material over my head and resolutely dropped it to the floor. The cool night air immediately triggered goosebumps all over my skin, but this only spurred my determination not to let my lover lie uncovered.

Van didn't react to the jingling of chains on the stone floor, thus giving me free reign for my next move. Only the touch of the mouldy cloth on his shoulder immediately roused his attention.

"What the…?" he inquired and started to turn into my direction.

"Don't!" I hurried to interrupt him, cheeks ablaze,"don't even think of it!"

He flinched and whipped back, but his embarassment was audibly mixed with anger as he hissed, "Just WHAT do you think you're doing, Hitomi?"

"The question is what did YOU think, blockhead," I hissed, "did you really think that after I finally got you back, I'd let you die of hypothermia or what?"

"We cannot stay like that," he shot back, "it is higly inappropriate!"

-

-

-

**I** had to blame my short-temperedness for what happened next. Of course I'd expected a certain amount of resistance from him, but today's events had frayed my nerves such as to make me snap in a minute.

This is why I yelled heatedly,

"But it can't be inappropriate. I don't even mind, because I love you!", before I even realized what I'd just said.

Oops.

The silence was dense after my final statement. The prone figure of Van became as rigid as stone. With eyes pinched shut, I inwardly cursed my runaway tongue.

Of course I loved him. And although I'd never explicitely told him what I felt for him, he didn't need me anymore to tell him. More than once I'd given myself away, and despite what one usually says about insensitive men, he was definitely not one of them. He was always alert as far as other peoples' behaviour was concerned, and he was also very capable of drawing his own conclusions about what it meant. Yes, I was pretty sure he already knew.

However, hearing it out loud is different. I'd planned to tell him someday, but I certainly didn't mean to break it to him like that, under such undignified circumstances, and yelling in his face no less.

Unfortunately, I couldn't rewind time and take it all back. I had to see it through, whether I liked it or not, so I made up my mind to act.

With a pounding heart I slid over to his side and lowered myself onto the mattress behind him. Cautiously I slipped my arms around his chest and hugged him closely. At once his muscles tensed under my fingertips, and I forced myself to speak as distinctly and calmly as I could.

"I really love you, Van, and I have for a long time. I'm sorry that it came out like this, but now that it happened you'll have to deal with it, I'm afraid."

Van's chest heaved in a deep sigh, but that didn't stop me from feeling his heart flutter wildly. As much as he obviously wanted to keep pretending to be cool, I just knew he wasn't. A faint smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. _Gotcha._

"I don't know by which standard you are judging whether something is appropriate or not," I continued softly, "but I do know that I don't mind sharing a blanket with you. I don't mind either if you see me like that or not. I don't feel embarassed if it's you, and I wish you'd see it like I do."

_dodom… dodom… dodom… dodom…_

By now my heart was beating as fast as Van's. Throughout my little speech he had not given any sign as to whether he'd heard me or even agreed to what I'd told him. But now warm palms slid over mine and calloused fingers gently squeezed my hands. It took me some time to understand his gesture, but as soon as I did, gratitude and mild euphoria started turning me dizzy. I resembled a castaway who, for the first time after weeks, encountered land.

Van didn't mind me loving him. He didn't repel me like he had done shortly after my suicide. Instead, I could feel cautious encouragement, warmth and affection. And maybe, only maybe, even more than that…

The terrible feeling of numbness subsided, making me capable of sensing the soft texture of his skin against my breast, the warmth that his body radiated and the realization of how fortunate I really was.

Sleeping shouldn't be a problem anymore. Apart from the fact that a huge boulder had just tumbled off my heart and let it soar into the sky, there wasn't really anything I had to fear tonight. Abaddon and his minions were far away, the chain mail was gone and I wasn't cold anymore.

A kind of drowsy contentment flooded my conscience, and I leant my forehead against Van's shoulder, cuddled up against him and closed my eyes.

Minutes later, I was fast asleep.

_

* * *

_

_to be continued…_

_oh my god. i swore to never to use a commonplace motif, and now i did. a blanket- scenario. can i become more pathetic? forgive me, 'coz i didn't know what i was doing!_

_

* * *

_

_you really were pissed off last chapter, weren't you ('xept for Tsubasa, of course)?  
**akai chou:** well, kidnappers do worse things than that, and there are an awful lot of weirdoes running about. you wouldn't believe how many freaks i've already met in my life. it's sad to see how far some people are willing to go for their political or religious beliefs. if you see it from this perspective, my plot isn't really that far-fetched. there's no need to kill the author ;-)  
**Strawberryz:** yes, i do think that getting raped, or even getting NEARLY raped, is a nasty experience. unfortunately, it seems to be a widespread habit among men to use women in that way just because of a sick urge to control somebody. a woman i heard of had been raped by males of another family just to punish and disgrace the male members of her 'clan' ! isn't this disgusting?  
**xDianaMoonx:** do you really think this was a cliffie? i DID save hitomi before i cut it… thank you for your offer. if you promise me that you will stay for longer than three chapters, i'd be inclined to accept it ;-). anyway, who said i got only a few chapters left! my mind is spinning with ideas … wuahahahaaaaar!  
**C.G Forever is Now**: # bows # no kidding. posting a new chapter is really giving me stagefright…  
**Inda:** as you can see, i prefer having van console hitomi instead of going berserk ;-). coincidentally, your 'nagging' e-mail arrived today as i was getting ready to upload the chapter. however, don't expect that to happen every time you start nagging !  
**Kintora Zhadowyz:** kintora, you already reviewed chapter ten when you wrote something in response to this pathetic santa van i posted as a christmas joke. as for why i reckon you're younger than me: very simple. you're so enthusiastic. once you reach twenty-five plus, you'll know what i'm talking about…btw, abaddon just cut off the tip of hitomi's finger. like in the movie 'the piano', know that? er, and zhadowyz, nice to meet you. don't let kintora bully you into reading this if escaflowne is not quite your thing. i once betaed a crossover fic from a series i didn't know, and really, this sucked. i didn't know the main characters and thus didn't really care what the heck happened to them. if, by peculiar coincidence, you decide that you want to watch escaflowne nonetheless, yes, the characters do really have long noses ;-)  
**xSilverShadowsx:** + sweatdrop + too graphic maybe? i have a bad feeling …  
**Hearts of Eternity:** well, no need to fear i might do something drastic, because deep down i am a friendly person who would NEVER consider doing something like THAT to her characters (stop! everybody who now kicks his/her computer gets ten gummy points). btw, take a close look at my descriptions. i don't really give you many details, but i do offer enough as to spur your imagination. this is a trick i've learned from my favourite author. i said about abaddon that he's young, has pale eyes, fair hair and a rotten character. nothing more. the rest of him has been made up by your imagination…and i bet every reader has his/her very own version of how abaddon looks like. the trick is to find comparisons which everybody has something to say about, and descriptive words which don't give away too much… like 'pale' instead of grey, light blue, white or something else.  
**JadedTruth:** as to allen's reaction, it might not be too spectacular. i reckon what he's seeing (naked woman) is not completely new to him ;-).  
**iwakura:** hi! long time no see, it's been a while since i last visited. now that ryry abandoned me, i might as well upload the rest of the story to the files-section and screw the language mistakes. hmmmm.  
**Jameth:** oh my god, i hate spelling mistakes! where the hell is it? as soon as someone tells me that i made a mistake i get all fussy. i need to know where it is! tell meeeeeeeeee!  
**egwene105**: yeah, as soon as the next christmas break is up ;-). i really needed a couple of days off.  
**RaversAnthem:** holy shit, you've got to be kidding. don't tell me you actually have a tiki statue with my ugly face?  
**Newfie Child:** +sweatdrop+  
**animelo:** funny, i am addicted to this story as well. go figure. ;-)  
**Tsubasa-No-Kami 91:** the last chapter was like the most gory chapter of all … the majority of readers freaked, but you singled it out as your favourite. you do have an unusual taste, ne? (just kidding ;-)  
**Luraia Soul: **rota fortunae was the only esca-story i'd label as a favourite of mine that actually got finished. ain't that sad? dammit, everybody, GET MOVING AND UPDATE!  
**KitsuneNekoYoukai:** you know, death threats usually stifle my creative juices ;-p.  
**Chroma: **no offence taken. i don't claim to be an escaflowne expert at all, since i just watched the series once. some details might have slipped my mind, and the german subs might have fucked up a few things as well. i understood that allen didn't stop having a crush on hitomi till the very end of the series. in my memory he was jealous and a bit possessive over hitomi, so i figured that either he'd really been in love with her even before the fate machine was activated OR that the effect of the machine was permanent. in order to keep my plot simple, i opted for a permanent effect. as for hitomi being a 'prawn'… my typing really sucks +; . i hope you like seafood…  
**anime fan:** mh, let's see.  
**Cait:** thank you. i'll never grow tired of hearing that …  
**Tequini:** ein ösi! dein 'geht runter wie butter' hat dich entlarvt…so eine redewendung gibt es meines wissens im englischen sprachgebrauch nicht, und der hinweis auf die österreichische leber erst. danke für die hinweise. ich kann nicht gut tippen, und das merkt man leider auch. danke auch für das angebot. im grunde hast du so viel gefunden, dass du schon korrekturleser ehrenhalber bist ;-).  
**Saraneth the Binder:** thanks. will do.  
**Spirit0:** 'Just in time to save worthless little Hitomi's virginity. (So Van can still have the privilage of claiming THAT)' ! somehow i like the way your brain is wired. anyway, hitomi's behaviour is quite understandable, i think. when you're in love, you sometimes act as if you were seven cans short of a sixpack. i've had a lot of experience here (both on the giving and receiving end). oh, and don't mind trifles like which technological devices van has or doesn't have. i figured that since fanelia does own quite a few (ordinary) guymelefs, they had to have something like intercoms as well. otherwise, how would the guymelef pilots be able to see? let's just assume he does have something like it, because otherwise the scene wouldn't be as impressive as it is.  
**AyR:** well, i hope i did. thank you very much!  
**moon:** my former beta used to say that my writing style and my vocabulary are old-fashioned. i think i like your 'euphemism' better; 'mature' sounds so positive…thanks for the compliment, and yes, i do speak german. at least i hope i do. being a german, it would be difficult otherwise +;  
**anime-luva00:** what is 'toodles'!  
**Bittersweet Mika:** thank you. i'm fairly pleased with how the action scenes turned out. it's getting easier every time i try.  
**Random:** +cough+ 'thrilled' might be a disputable word in a context like this (attempted rape!), but I can imagine she feels immensely relieved.  
**sanctus-seira:** thank you. i appreciate compliments, especially when they come from really good writers like yourself. once i'll get my computer back online (in a million years or so), i'll hopefully manage to finish reading 'hemisphere'. btw, chroma found a typo mistake that had me laughing my ass off. seems like i wrote about hitomi acting as a 'prawn' in abaddon's game +;  
**charice:** i usually don't like reading angst stories as well. they're uncomfortable, sort of. one keeps wondering whether the correct 'couple' will finally find themselves or not. to top it off, I sometimes prefer off-canon couples. that's why i'm rather writing angst, that's just as good.  
**Soul Eyes: **thanks. there you are.  
**soulrio: **thanks, thanks, thanks. man, some reviews just have me blushing like a maniac tomato. btw, there actually ARE people here in germany who believe in mental healing powers. they're called anthroposophs. in my view some of their beliefs are a bit creepy, but there you go. whatever floats your boat.  
**Chisakami Saiyuki: **i was evil because i felt like it. this morning i ate a little kid for breakfast (just kidding!).  
**Trai Maxwell:** sorry, but there is nothing heroic about me. no need to become sarcastic ­­­­;  
**Saiyan-legacy102:** kudos. you must be a quick reader. i recently had to re-read the story and didn't make it under five hours, with my eyes popping out of their sockets afterwards!_


	12. Ice

_hi! happy easter, everybody!_

_many of you were wondering how hitomi could have walked the whole day long in her state. first of all, as a track runner she certainly has more endurance than the average twenty-year-old woman. secondly, never underestimate the extra boost a surge of adrenaline can give you._

_plus, have you ever got into such a trance-like state in which you could go on and on, without even noticing it? well, i did. i once spent a vacation in scotland to walk the western highland trail with friends. we did the whole length of it in eight days, meaning that we walked about twenty-five to thirty kilometers per day. believe me, i would never have survived without buzzing out from time to time. as hitomi already said, the human body can perform amazing things, if need be._

_btw, i have some difficulties with some of fanfiction's tools. i can't figure out how this 'recommend this story' tool works. since i've found a story i would like to tell somebody about, i want to use it but don't know how. as for the c2-tool, i don't even know what the heck it is for. can anybody help me? in case you do, please e-mail me privately. thanks!_

_**i don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this story; they belong to kawamori-sensei and co. the plot is my creation; don't plagiarize or i'll be after your soul. if you find any language mistakes, please tell me and i'll be glad to correct them.**_

_and now as usual, on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 12

**Ice**

_

* * *

_

**W**hen disaster struck, I didn't hear it coming. I didn't see it coming either.

I didn't even _feel_ it coming, seeing as I'd slipped into my usual stupor which enabled me to walk a whole day long without noticing the soles of my feet disintegrate.

It just happened, and I only became aware that something was wrong when a hand grabbed my arm and roughly yanked me to the ground and under a bush. Someone rolled over me and pressed me into the muddy and mouldy-smelling ground.

That 'someone' being Van, of course.

His sudden action triggered a surge of adrenaline which kicked my senses into alertness, and through the pounding of blood in my ears I finally perceived the tell-tale high-pitched buzzing that indicated the arrival of another leviship.

Three days after our escape from the fortress, Abaddon's minions were still out on the hunt in the vast forest.

I don't recall how many times we'd already snuck away from their watchful eyes at the drop of a pin; it had occurred too often. Sometimes they came in the form of a lightweight leviship, sometimes a troop of heavily armed warriors or even a guymelef trampled past at an arm's length, but their lingering presence never left us.

Constant vigilance was what kept us alive. If they found us, there would be hell to pay, so we had to stay unnoticed. It was as simple as that. Keeping away from clearings, open spaces and roads was vital; hiding behind trees or in the shrubbery, freezing on the spot and waiting with hitched breath for them to disappear had become second nature whenever they turned up.

Automatically I played possum and pinched my eyes shut, as if shutting off my senses could somehow prevent our enemies from spotting us lying on the ground. The shadow of the leviship crept over the ground and reached me, because I was able to feel the goosebumps that the even the slight drop of temperature caused on my skin.

Luckily enough, the leviship hovered away after a few minutes of breathless silence and left us unscathed and relieved. It had been a very close miss. At some point I'd almost all but convinced myself that they had finally found us, but no yells of alarm, no uproar gave proof that anybody had seen us.

Van gave a long sigh, lifted his weigh off me and rolled to the back. His movements were weary, and dark shadows under his eyes were giving his face a haunted look. I knew I didn't look much different, though.

**W**e were both dead exhausted.

Three days' worth of trudging through dense vegetation and more than fifty hours of constant, nerve-wracking tension had left their traces. It was high time for us to arrive at least SOMEWHERE.

From what Van told me, the fortress was situated close to the borderline that seperated Fanelia from its neighbour country Mynar. The whole region was covered by trees and shrubbery; the forest itself was so huge that it didn't even possess a name. We had to nearly cross the whole length of it in order to reach more familiar regions, and of course there was no street that might be able to carry us straight to the edge. Even Van, sovereign of this wild lands, had nothing more than a vague idea of where to turn.

That's why we'd been stumbling about aimlessly, hoping against hope that each of our steps put more distance between Abaddon and us. Each new day the forest surrounded us, ever-present and never-ending, and I was sorry to realize that even the combined incentives of being rescued, being with Van and being in love weren't able to carry me much further anymore.

Leaves rustled softly, and without even turning my face around I knew that Van was already getting to his feet, ready to leave this place. The amount of discipline he displayed could by no means be matched by mine, and at once I vented my frustration about the whole situation by starting to fret.

"That was the third leviship today," I bitched, "A new record. Man, we are so fucked up!"

Van pulled up the corners of his mouth in a mock smirk and silently offered me the 'lunch box' we were taking with us, filled with a few nibbles we found in the wild. He knew by now that some food was usually the best way to soothe my ruffled feathers, but I already was beyond that point.

"And for the record, I hate these wild berries," I groused, "I hate spring water and if I ever see another tree again after our return, I'm gonna scream."

His exasperated sigh was nearly swallowed by a gush of wind that suddenly tugged at my hair and caused the surrounding leaves to whisper tauntingly.

"It's still better than being hacked to pieces by that homicidal maniac, isn't it?" he asked peevishly.

I was not the only one who tended to be snappish these days. Sheer exhaustion had too taken its toll on my companion, and the slight anger that I managed to build in my chest crumpled like the old Atlantean temple we'd seen a few days ago.

It wasn't fair taking out my bad mood on Van who, after all, had only brought me here to save me.

"Sorry," I muttered, "I didn't mean it like that. I'm only grumpy because I'm tired and hungry."

He didn't answer immediately, so I risked a sideways glance at him to see whether he was sulking. Contrary to what I expected, his posture was relaxed and his eyes wide open, gaze flitting about under a concentrated frown. I'd watched him acting like this before and knew that he was reading the landscape like someone would read a map, an impressive skill he had learned from the wolf-people.

It was the skill that had kept us alive these last days, considering that he'd found us water, food and some kind of shelter for each night.

"I think I can make a fair guess at where we are", he finally admitted, "and if I'm right, we won't take longer than perhaps a day."

"Ha…!" I gasped, bolting up, "You actually KNOW where we are and didn't tell me a thing?"

THE HECK was up with him! Bile started to rise in my throat once again, and I continued bitterly, "of course, why should you tell ME above all people, I mean, I'm only a stupid jackass who keeps toddling her pity self …"

"If anything, I can only GUESS our position," Van sharply interrupted my rambling, "and, yes, if I'm not mistaken, we are on the territory of Ruhm's family. If nothing else happens, we will be there by tomorrow. Today even, if we are lucky."

That shut me up effectively. The wolf-people. Of all places in the world, there were very few which I deemed more safe than their village.

Wolf-people, that meant Ruhm, Runa and Gudrun; the warmth of a fire and a friendly smile, an abundance of food, warm blankets and a Van at ease.

From my perspective, 'wolf-people' meant heaven, and it was only a day's walk away!

"I believe I just recognized this stretch of forest," Van continued in a calmer, almost dreamy voice, "Ruhm's father took us hunting one day and showed us the boundaries of his land, and I think this is where we have been roaming. I can never be too sure, though. The forest changes a lot. It will not be conquered by any human force, not even by human memory. That is what is making it so fascinating…"

Well, 'fascinating' wouldn't be the word I'd choose to describe the forest. It would be more like 'despicable', but at least it felt good to know that, during the last days, we both in fact HAD triumphed over the mighty forest. Fascinating or not, it would all be over tomorrow.

The mere thought activated reserves I didn't know I had. Temper was rising in a sudden surge of enthusiasm, a wide grin contorted my face and I immediately scrambled up and hugged Van for all I was worth. He twitched, thus telling me clearly that he was still struggling to comprehend my sudden mood swings, but I couldn't find it in me to give him up. After all, I deserved a bit of love, didn't I?

My happiness reached a new record high as Van finally sighed and reciprocated the embrace. Hesitatingly, but deliberately, his hands wandered around my waist and pulled me against him until each of his heartbeats reverberated in my chest. My breath hitched. True, the gesture was fairly simple and not at all unusual among lovers. Plus, we'd already hugged before. But for me it was still a major breakthrough.

**A** budding love is a peculiar thing. Nothing is certain, everything is in a constant flow. Doubt and conviction take turns in one's mind, while emotional and sensory overload make it impossible to think clearly. All senses are tuned towards the object of desire, and it is surprising how much a person changes when watched through the eyes of a lover. Everything about him is new and exciting; it seems as if one never really got to know him thoroughly.

It's even worse when it's the first love.

I never had a 'real' boyfriend before. Now that I think of Amano, I don't even think I've seriously been in love in my whole life. In this way, going through all these uncertainties for the first time was confusing and, judging from Van's reactions, I wasn't the only one lacking experience in this field. That's why much talking and reassurances were needed to figure everything out.

Unfortunately, Van was reluctant to talk about his emotions; a trait that he apparently shared with most men. That's why I sometimes had the feeling that no amount of time on Gaia would be able to help us sort out the change our relationship had undergone. So there was at least one advantage that our road trip offered us, and it was the fact that we both got to spend many hours alone in which I could get him to make at least a few concessions.

**I** sighed heavily. Time to make good of this advantage.

"Am I getting a reward for putting myself through all this?" I demanded and puckered my lips expectingly.

A faint snort, Van's equivalent of a snicker, was heard as his lips brushed mine in a very short, almost teasing kiss that made my stomach tingle and my nerves sing. Immediately my lips quirked into a true smile that reflected in the face of my lover as I opened my eyes again. He didn't even blush anymore when he kissed me, and I took that as a good sign.

Because two days ago, after we woke from our night in the Atlantean temple, Van wouldn't have touched me at all. He would even have refused to look at me properly.

It had taken me some time to figure out that, as a member of the Fanelian royalty, Van's most thorough and rigorous upbringing had given him a strict, nearly old-fashioned sense of honour and decency, proof of which I'd already witnessed several times before.

I vividly remembered the amount of his mortification after the kissing incident in the neko village which, according to his standards, must have been outrageous. The relief to find me safe had probably loosened the rigid self-control that he lived by.

I also remembered the night in the Atlantean temple, in which he drew the line at sharing the blanket with a half-naked woman.

However, after my confession that night, I neither expected nor wanted that much scruples on his side to touch me or speak to me, especially after the encouragement he had given me after that.

However, the only thing I could do now was being patient and making it clear to him, in words and gesture, that I wanted him close to me and that he didn't need a reason or an apology for physical contact, and this is what I did.

As I expected it from a man with principles like him, his uncertainty only melted away slowly.

I couldn't make a fair guess about how much time this process would have taken if we'd spent the last three days in the hustle and bustle of the Fanelian palace. Even here and now, in the seclusion of the woods, he still wouldn't hold my hand before I explicitely asked him to, but at least he complied when I did. That was why the fact that he now hugged me back was another tiny step forward in my attempt to lead a normal romantic relationship with him.

And that was why we enjoyed another quality moment or two before we finally decided to break a leg and leave.

* * *

**L**ike Van had predicted, we reached the outskirts of the village shortly after dawn. 

A huge fire emitted sparks into the early autumn air which served us as a guiding light for a long time before we even caught sight of the first houses. Already the delicious smell of roasted meat ghosted through the shrubbery and I could see a glimpse of Gudrun's hut through the foliage. With a wicked smile I reminded myself that this was where I'd spent so many miserable hours and yet learned so much. This was where I took the first steps to where I was now…

A warm, fuzzy sensation grew in my limbs which I'd learned to associate with the feeling of belonging. It was similar, though not quite equal, to the one that I experienced when Van was holding me in his arms. I was home. We were home.

For the first time in weeks I was feeling blissfully happy, with no second thoughts at all. Wanting nothing more than to share this moment with Van, I tightened my grip around his fingers and received a small squeeze in return.

**U**nfortunately, just as I was about to thread my fingers through his, a faint rustling disturbed the peace of the moment and a massive shadow materialized on the path, holding a lance that was pointed directly at us.

Automatically I froze on the spot while Van, ever the protective bodyguard, immediately tensed and stepped in front of me to shield me from harm, if need be.

"Who's there?" he demanded and touched the hilt of his sword warningly, ready to draw blank in the blink of an eye.

"… Mylord !", a rough baritone replied hesitantly and the weapon was lowered a bit.

It was the voice of one of Ruhm's half-brothers, and my companion visibly relaxed. He sighed and shook his head.

"Of course it's me, and Hitomi is with me," he announced impatiently and caused his opponent to drop the staff and step towards him.

Although the wolf-man's hands were outstretched in a gesture of peace, there was a certain watchfulness in his behaviour, and Van still didn't let go of his weapon.

"Forgive me, Mylord," the wolf muttered demurely, "I was only doing my guard duty."

Van snorted and cast him a sharp glance.

"This village has always been a hospitable place," he said coldly, "since when does the wolf tribe greet visitors by aiming weapons at them?"

The warrior turned his face away ever so slightly as if he was trying to evade Van's gaze.

"Just a security measure, Mylord," he whispered, "we need to protect our women and cubs in these dangerous times."

The twitching of a muscle in his chin clearly told me that the man was not telling the complete truth. As loyal as the wolf-people were, why would any of them want to lie in the face of their liege? A horrible sense of foreboding crept up in my guts. Something was definitely wrong.

"Take me to Ruhm," Van ordered curtly, obviously showing that he didn't buy the lame excuse as well.

The man cringed.

"The pack-leader has a guest, Mylord," he mumbled hastily, "he instructed us not to disturb him under any circumstance, I'm afraid."

"Pack-brother," I now recognized Van's 'kingly' voice, the one he'd used against Abaddon as well, "you are going to take me to the pack-leader immediately. No excuses."

I watched the man hesitate and secretly crossed my fingers behind my back. There was no guessing how Van would react if one of his most loyal subjects refused to obey a direct command from him. A few very uncomfortable moments passed with both men glaring at each other.

At last, however, the voice showed the desired effect. The wolf-man blanched, bowed wordlessly, turned around and beckoned us to follow him into the village. I didn't miss his tiny gesture, though, with which he ordered another guard to take over his place, and I also saw the figure that swiftly disappeared into the shadows of the trees lining the entrance gate.

Yes, there definitely was something ticklish going on. Apparently my 'heaven' had been corrupted and was not as safe as I wanted it to be.

The idea discouraged me more than anything else.

**T**he uncomfortable churning in my stomach increased as we proceeded into the direction of the gathering place. The spaces between the huts which had once been filled with the voices and hubbub of a happily engaged crowd were now empty and still; gone was the once peaceful and serene atmosphere I'd come to love.

We were approaching the centre of the village and, judging by the nervous hum that hung in the air and stedily grew louder, most of the population was probably gathered there. Our leader turned around the corner and stepped aside just before my nagging feeling of anticipation culminated in a stomachache at the sight that greeted us.

An assembly of almost all male members of the tribe became visible, with about thirty pairs of eyes turning into our direction. Amongst them I recognized the bulky figure of Ruhm, who was also staring at us with a stony expression. Only his eyes seemed to be alive; they flickered as if he was suffering under intense emotions he was struggling to hide. Before I could discern what it was, however, he turned his face away to cast a single glance around.

Eerie silence swallowed every sound as the humming stopped abruptly.

Next to me, Van drew back his shoulders, lowered his chin and offered a picture of pride and rightful indignation. He crossed the open space with resolute steps and lost no time addressing his childhood friend with a polite, but altogether compelling voice.

"I demand an explanation, pack-leader."

Ruhm's voice was grave as he replied, "Exceptional situations require exceptional measures, brother."

**H**e gave another signal and the crowd began to dissolve, giving way to a single figure in the middle of the group. The way every warriors cautiously moved away made me think of someone trying to find his way past a scorpion. Tension coiled into a knot at the bottom of my throat, and my instinct was screaming at me that this individual was where all those bad vibes were coming from. This was the source of the all-encompassing nervousness.

Everybody's eyes remained fixed on the lean silhouette of the person who looked oddly out of place among the sturdy wolf-men. With slow, relaxed steps he was moving towards us and stepped out of the shadows.

The air grew chilly.

Colourless eyes took in every detail of Van's appearance and narrowed in dislike, while a scornful smirk contorted delicate lips. A perpetual frown and a curtain of platinum hair added to a picture of a man I'd wanted to drive out of my memory completely.

Abaddon.

o

o

**D**isbelievingly I stared at the man who, with measured steps, came closer until he was standing face to face with my lover. Almost as if it felt his presence, my finger that Abaddon had abused only a few days earlier pinched uncomfortably. I suppressed the impulse to bolt and forced myself to stay put. Whatever this abominable apparition was going to do, I was not going to show any sign of weakness.

There was nothing he could do to harm us here.

Or was there? With grim determination I subdued the first signs of uncertainty and attached my gaze once more on the figure of the rebel leader before me.

"Finally there, Fanel," the man's voice was as passionless as if he'd stated something obvious, "May I ask what took you so long?"

With a deliberate gaze towards the pack of warriors behind him he added, "I never meant to say that I did not enjoy the wolf-tribe's legendary hospitality, though…"

A low hiss came from the side where Van was standing, "You. What are you doing here!"

His opponent tsked and arched one of his immaculate eyebrows.

"I was looking for you, of course," he sighed and added, "There is something about you that is just so predictable, Fanel. When in doubt, you always run to your good old friends to see whether they can sort you out. It has always been like that. You never took care of your own problems, instead you let the wolf tribe do the dirty work for you. There was no reason for me to believe you would act differently after you removed your little girlfriend from my…ah… custody."

Out of the corner of my eye I was watching Van struggling for composure. I could see the tell-tale signs of intense fury sneaking into his posture, although his face remained composed.

"I already knew that your burning ambition left you with no sense of decency, Abaddon," he stated cooly, "or else you would have left innocent lives out of this sick little game you are playing."

His fists clenched and unclenched as he continued, "I can see, however, that you have not reached your limits yet. Will you break another rule and carry your private war into this village?"

Abaddon shook his head, a fake expression of grief and hurt spread over his even features.

"You are doing me an injustice," he countered, "This is my family as much as it is yours, PACK-BROTHER."

This admission caught me by surprise. I knew that Van was as closely connected to the wolf tribe as could be considered family. How about Abaddon?

Automatically my gaze wandered to Ruhm whose expression had darkened noticeably. Raw pain was etched into the lines of his face as he watched the whole scene enroll in front of his eyes, giving away how upset he was and thus confirming my suspicion. Yes, Abaddon was definitely linked to the tribe. But in which way, and why?

"So this is your family as well, big deal!" I heard Van reply icily, "You have never been known as someone who valued friendship or loyalty much. Knowing you, this will not keep you from positioning at least two dozen of your minions outside the village boundaries. Why else would Ruhm have stationed guards on all entries? They will probably attack or besiege the village if you cannot kill me directly."

Abaddon uttered a little laugh whose brittle sound made the hair in my neck stand on end.

"Fortunately enough, there is no need for me to do such a thing, Fanel. As a member of this honourable clan, I solely wish to abide by the rules that this community has laid down as law."

Without elaborating further, he reached for the lance of the guard who was still standing beside us, wrenched it out of his grip and drove it deep into the ground before Van's feet. His pale eyes glittered maliciously and his crisp voice carried over the whole gathering place as he spoke,

"Referring to the laws and constitution that the noble tribe of the Eastern Forest has given itself, I hereby claim my right to challenge the pack-leader."

o

o

**A**baddon's words had the same effect as if he had dropped anthrax in the middle of the gathering place.

The surrounding wolf-people gasped as one and drew back, whereas Van paled noticeably. In fact, the colour drained out of his face so quickly that I thought he would drop unconscious.

Sick with worry, I touched his arm to make sure he was okay, but he batted my hand away and gave an unmistakeable shake of his head. I watched his eyes light up with a fire that I knew too well; a light that coloured his irises crimson and indicated that he had switched into 'battle'-mode. It was already too late; I couldn't reach him anymore.

What the hell had just happened? I still tried to grasp the situation. Abaddon.. challenged the pack leader. What did he mean by 'challenge'? And why did he address Van instead of Ruhm? I didn't know what all this was about, but the ceremonious way in which Abaddon had spoken and the way everybody reacted to it caused my heart to plummet into my stomach.

I was the only creature who apparently didn't know what was going on, and I hated it, because I knew that it was something serious. Very serious.

Slowly, the surrounding wall of people came back to life. Constant murmuring and hissing provided an unsettling background in which Ruhm was the first to react.

He stepped forward and, to my utter shock and disbelief, murmured, "Heard and testified," causing the colourless man before us to give a nod and a satified smirk.

He stepped closer until the tip of his nose was already touching Van's, muttered silkily, "See you tomorrow morning, then, Fanel. Sleep well," turned on his heels and stalked away, scattering people to all sides as if he were a ticking time-bomb.

Another gush of wind blew around the corner and caused the fire to flare up. The crackling of the flames was the only noise, and in the middle of a group of frozen wolf-people, I was suddenly feeling very alone.

**M**inutes passed in tangible silence before I summoned enough courage to speak.

"V-Van?"

He was still staring ahead with this terrible expression in his eyes, lips pressed into a tight line, and no sign indicated that he had heard me. Panic started to rise in me.

"Van!" I repeated, but no reaction came.

Light pressure on my left shoulder caused me to whirl around to see Runa's broad, calm face. I had not noticed her approaching, but now I recognized the familiar and soothing presence washing over me. With an impatient sigh I admitted to myself that, under normal circumstances, I would have been thrilled to see her, even though she was wearing an uncharacteristically serious expression. After all, it had been months ever since we'd seen each other, and I considered her to be as close a friend as had once been Yukari.

Unfortunately, certain recent events had scared me out of my wits and nothing except Van mattered to me at the moment.

"Come, sister," she said quietly, "come with me."

Slowly I shook my head. I was not going to leave before someone told me what had just happened between Van and Abaddon.

"Van," I pleaded instead, "speak to me. What was all this about?"

I flinched as, instead of Van's tenor, the distinct voice of the pack-leader now invaded my ears, accompanied by the crunching of gravel as he came closer.

"Go with her, young girl," he ordered, "there are many thing I need to discuss with Van, and among them are some you're not supposed to witness. Runa?"

The wolf-woman wrapped her fingers around my arm in silent obedience and tried to tug me away gently while Ruhm, satisfied that his order was being followed, brushed me away with a careless gesture as if I was another annoying petitioner.

In the same instant, I felt something in me give way and a surge of hot anger consumed me.

Of course I am perfectly aware that I can be hot-headed at times, but this time even I was surprised by the intensity of my outburst.

Maybe it was the gesture. Yes, I think it was.

Exhaustion, unbearable tension, the appearance of the man who had tortured and threatened to kill me and pure fear for Van's life had already frayed my nerves so that only a spark was needed to blow me up. In this case, the spark had been the nonchalant gesture of the man who, as far as I was concerned, was to blame for the whole situation.

This is why I did what I did and why I said what I said.

I tore my arm out of Runa's grip, grabbed Ruhm's shoulder and yanked him around roughly to face me. The moment I knew I had his full attention, I let loose.

"Don't you even DARE shunt me aside, Ruhm," I bellowed, "because I've got every fucking right to know what the heck has been going on lately! Seeing as one of your guards nearly turned Van and me into shish-kabob with his lance, I think you owe us an explanation as to why the biggest asshole on this planet was able to enter this village completely UNSCATHED and was allowed to insult and even threaten us publicly!"

By now, everybody's eyes were fixed on me. Ruhm's flabbergasted expression told me that he had been far from suspecting any attack; even Van had broken out of his reverie to goggle at me, but I was beyond caring. Over the last weeks, I had been forced to swallow so much that it had become impossible for me to hold back my frustration. Angry tears were streaming down my cheeks as I pointed my finger at Ruhm accusingly and continued.

"And when you're at it, you might as well explain why VAN is supposed to be challenged by this piece of shit badass when YOU are currently filling the position as pack-leader! Is THAT how you take on your responsibility? Do you always keep a low profile when things get dangerous, but when everything is over you get back to bossing everybody around!"

Apparently I had now crossed the line to lese-majesty, because low, menacing hisses came from all directions. This time they were adressed at me, though.

Ruhm was the only one who had not moved yet, but even in my agitated state I couldn't miss the waves of fury radiating off him. With every passing second I lost more of my previous courage until the better part of me wanted to just curl up and die of shame, but the hell was I going to show it!

So I summoned all the self-control I possessed, folded my arms in front of my chest and jutted my chin jutting aggressively, when suddenly...

"She is right, brother,"

... Runa's calm voice broke the tension. Through my blurred vision I could see that she had moved to stand beside me, and that Van had stepped to my other side as well. Considering what I had just done, I didn't expect any support from THAT side. Their solidarity in a moment in which, in spite of all my bravado, I felt particularly weak and vulnerable touched me. More tears threated to roll down my face.

"She has a right to know everything, because wat just happened concerns her as well as Van. She has not grown up with our traditions," the wolf-woman continued composedly and cast her brother a steady glance. Both looked into each other's eyes and, although none of them said a single word, it was clear that messages went to and fro between the siblings.

**F**inally, Ruhm's shoulders slumped and he nodded gravely. Looking up at me, I flinched at the downcast expression in his eyes. As long as I'd known him, he had offered me nothing but kindness so far. I didn't have the right to accuse him of irresponsibility, and to shout it into his face openly no less. At that thought, the last bit of anger within me vanished without a trace and left only shame.

"Forgive my insolence, pack-leader, " I murmured brokenly, "I have seen Abaddon do dreadful things, and I guess this is the only explanation I can offer for my outrageous behaviour. You will find me prepared to make amends in whichever way you prefer."

He shook his head and waved my apology off.

"Runa has my permission to tell you everything about this incident that you wish to know, young girl," he said hoarsely, "She knows as much as I do about… about… all this. In return, I ask that you both leave Van and I alone for now. I can assure you that I don't intend to harm him in any way and that I won't keep him away for long as well."

Offhandedly skipping the more-than-private bit of his speech, I thought about what he just asked me to do. I ought to have been content. After all, learning what Abaddon was on about had been one of the things I'd bargained for. A stale taste still remained, though. I didn't want to leave Van, not when something fishy was going on that obviously shook him to his very core. He needed my support now.

A final glance into Ruhm's stern face, however, caused me to swallow the refusal that had already been on the tip of my tongue. There was no use in trying to badger him; he'd already shown more compliance than he usually wanted and was certain not to budge an inch.

That was why, with a defeated sigh, a nod of approval and a little bow of thanks I then let Runa lead me away towards a place where I would at least find some answers to pressing questions.

* * *

**A**fter taking leave, the wolf-woman and I slipped through a gap between two of the huts that surrounded the gathering-place. As far as I remembered, Runa lived in the spacious caves in which only the pack-leader's closest family members and associates were allowed. This was why I turned left after we reached the main road and started to head towards the precipice which towered over the dwelling. 

Runa, on the other side, gently touched my arm again and nodded towards the other end of the road where I spotted a cluster of small, round structures which were typical for the wolf-peoples' housings.

As a race whose origins stemmed from a rough and desolate region in the Fanelian mountains, each tribe had originally inhabited one of many vast complexes of cavities which perforated the flanks of the mountains. Living in a cave perfectly met the wolf-people's preference of a both sheltered as well as spacious home for the whole tribe to live together. However, a lack of food for the thriving community as well as the need to trade with their human neighbours had drawn the population into the Forest and thus into a whole new environment in which caves were rarely found.

In the process of adapting to their new surroundings, a new method of constructing houses, of which the major part was situated under the earth, had been developed. They resembled an ant-hill, because the part which protruded from the ground had a conic form. Back when I had been living with the tribe, I had already seen the interior of some of these peculiar dwellings; the storage rooms as well as the cooking pit were kept on ground level, while the den was located 'downstairs', in the 'souterrain'.

Runa now directed her steps towards the first of these huts, stopped next to the entrance and politely gestured for me to enter. I wasn't sure whether this house belonged to anybody particular; in fact, I didn't recall ever having seen these houses before. Maybe they had been built after I left.

In any way, the hut was empty. The cooking-convenience didn't look as though it had ever been operated and the den, into which I then crawled, was neat and tidy with no obvious signs of anyone living here. Runa slid in after me, positioned herself opposite of me with crossed legs and cast me a friendly glance.

"**W**hose house is that?" I asked, more for the sake of starting a conversation than out of real curiosity.

"It will be yours as long as to wish to make use of it, sister," Runa replied much to my surprise, "the pack-leader had these huts erected in order to accommodate his guests, and he designated one of them to belong to you and Van for whenever you choose to visit."

A broad smile appeared on my face. The warm-heartedness and generosity of the wolf-tribe never ceased to amaze me.

"Thank you," I bowed low, "it will be an honour for us to make use of it, and I hope to be here quite often."

"So do we, sister, " the older woman murmured, "so do we."

She gave me a smile that wrinkled the corners of her eyes and added, "It is good to see you, even though the circumstances of our reunion are not what they ought to be."

I replied honestly, "Those last days have been hell for Van and me. To see your faces, to be in your village, has felt like the end of a nightmare."

After an uneasy pause I added, "Sad to say that for us, the nightmare has not come to an end yet. Why is Abaddon here?"

Runa sighed and contemplated; only after a while did she answer, "Let me tell you something about Abaddon, sister. He is the youngest son of a very old, influential family living in Fanelia, who used to have excellent connections to the royal court and the government. Abaddon's father has been one of the closest and oldest advisors of the late King Goau, Van's father."

With baited breath I waited for her to go on. This was going to get interesting. If Van's and Abaddon's fathers knew each other, naturally the boys would have known each other as well. Since I had not yet figured out why Van came to know the rebel leader by his name, this was a possible explanation.

Runa reacted to my surprise with a weak smile.

"Yes, sister, Van and Abaddon have known each other. Goau-heka arranged for both to stay with our family during the course of a year, and they spent their whole time here together, although they have never been as close as Van is with my brother."

She let me digest this and continued patiently, "As a pack-member, Abaddon naturally is submitted to the same tribal rights and duties as we all live by. He is entitled to unrestricted access to our land and village. My brother thus did not have the right to refuse him as he came and seeked entrance."

"Twisted, sick asshole," I murmured bad-temperedly, "clearly he was up to nothing good. I've never seen such a rotten character as his; I bet that when he was little he used to catch flies and pull out their wings."

To my consternation, Runa shook her head.

"Nobody is born evil, sister, not even Abaddon. Like everybody else, he was born an innocent child and had lived a very sheltered life. When his father died early, Goau-heka even made sure that the son would be provided for."

She paused once again to think and went on, "As the boy proved to have an outstanding brilliancy of mind, Goau-heka intended for him to become one of his court officials and sent him to the academy. And the boy acquitted himself beyond his wildest dreams; he passed every exam with excellent results."

"Where was the flaw?" I asked quietly, and a bitter expression tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"In order to be able to paint a realistic picture, sister, you will have to use dark colours as well as light ones. The same goes for the building of a character. You can't judge properly if you have not seen darkness as well as light. For Abaddon, everything has been too easy. Because of his connections and his abilities, he achieved everything without having to struggle even once. Everybody led him to believe that he was bound to succeed, and this is why nobody had prepared him for a moment of defeat."

At this point, I already developed a vague idea of what had happened. It was natural that constant encouragement, flattery and protection can turn people blind for the possibility of failure. Abaddon for sure was nothing if not power-hungry and ambitious, and once he didn't get what he wanted, what he felt was his to claim…

_Fanelia will be mine, Fanel…_

_-_

_You have ten days to give up on your pathetic kingdom, Fanel…_

_-_

"What happened?" I whispered, the lump in my throat steadily growing. The corners of Runa's mouth stiffened before she answered.

"After he graduated, he applied for a court position. He was refused, and the feeling that someone dared deny him what he considered to be his turned him bitter. It is not difficult to guess his further development, though. Disappointment and extravagance have never been a good combination."

**A** long silence followed her words. I was mulling over how much damage could be done in the wrong sense of the word 'protection'. To shield someone completely from the various pangs of life was beyond the bounds of possibility. Even worse, over-protection left the protegé even more vulnerable in case disaster really struck.

I already learned the bitter lesson that strength of mind and soul only resulted from constant struggle and sometimes even defeat. The scars on my wrists would serve as an everlasting reminder of that. Abaddon, on the other hand, never had to take this lesson, which turned him into the antisocial, morally irresponsible being that he was now.

And tomorrow he was going to take his frustration, his hatred and hurt out on the tribe. Tomorrow morning something horrible was going to happen. The feeling of dread that plagued me ever since we entered the village was impossible to ignore.

"Runa," I muttered, not sure whether I wanted to hear the answer, "what is going to happen tomorrow?"

Her clawed fingers busied themselves with the fur blankets we were sitting on, tugging them this way and that until they were just so. I knew she was stalling and repeated my question. The wolf-woman looked up and I was devastated by the pained look in her golden irises.

"Abaddon, " she said hoarsely, "has rightfully claimed the privilege of each male pack-member to challenge the current Alpha leader."

I noticed how carefully she worded her explanation as she went on, "As the pack-leader is bearing an all-encompassing responsibility for the prosperity of the tribe, he needs to gain every tribe member's absolute trust. This is why only the strongest and most trustworthy men are eligible for leadership.

"Whenever a pack-leader feels that he can no longer fulfil the prerequisites of his position, he must step aside for his successor. If he refuses to do so, he is thus putting the welfare of the whole tribe to stake. This is why every male tribe member who has the impression that the leader is not up to his tasks can force him to prove his abilities. This is what Abaddon has done. The pack-leader, on the other side, is honour-bound to take up his stand and fight."

"They're FIGHTING?" I protested, "I mean, are they fighting for real, with weapons or anything?"

Runa snorted.

"Don't be silly, sister! Of course they do! A challenge always damages the pack-leader's reputation, and there is only this way to regain it."

"Oh, my…!" my hand quickly covered my mouth to stifle the rest of my outburst.

I couldn't believe how ridiculous it sounded that so civilized a society like the wolf-people still resorted to such brutal means as a good old-fashioned DUEL to determine things. Even Runa who I'd come to know as an open-minded and pragmatic person actually seemed to believe in all this stuff about honour and satisfaction!

As tactfully as I could I ventured to contradict her.

"Isn't there a better way to find out who will be leader? I mean, people could get seriously hurt in a fight. Are you really willing to risk you current leader's health?"

After staring at me for some seconds, Runa answered coldly, "You don't really understand, do you? In a pack, every member must be able to rely on everybody else. The community can't support a pack-leader who ain't able to guarantee the pack's safety, and it can't tolerate a pack-member either who disturbs the pack's unanimity by unrightfully doubting the leader's abilities... "

"… so if the pack-leader loses, he is supposed to be unfit for his job, and if the challenger loses, he is considered an agitator, am I right?" I finished her train of thoughts, "Man, this is barbaric!"

My less-than-polite interjection did not seem to upset Runa too much.

"You may think what you like, of course," she said stiffly, "but for a small group like our tribe, trust and concord are vital. A society which has been parted by animosity can't defend itself and is bound to disappear. Didn't Abaddon teach you as much?"

"What happens to the loser?" I demanded heatedly, "will they be outcasts? Do you have the guts to throw out family members and leave them in the forest on their own?"

Runa sighed.

"Actually, we do, although respect demands that we give them a proper burial."

_... Burial! _

_-_

_One..._

_-_

_Two…_

_-_

_Three…_

_-_

_Click!_

"Does that mean that they fight until someone dies!" I shouted, close to pulling my hair out of exasperation, "What kind of stupid fucking rule is that!"

"It is common law," Runa replied gravely and with a warning undertone, "that can trace its existence back to the first days of our civilization and that has been UNDISPUTED by all members of our kind ever since."

"I don't care how long this tradition existed," I raged, "because it's the reason why your brother will have to fight against a mentally disturbed homicidal maniac tomorrow morning! Don't you FEEL anything, Runa!"

I was about to say much more, but the odd look that immediately replaced her annoyed countenance quickly interrupted my tirade.

"**Y**ou misunderstand the situation, sister," she murmured with a lowered head, "Ruhm is our pack-leader, but he is not the only leader figure in our tribe. There is an authority which even Ruhm has to submit to, ever since the wolf-people became citizens of Fanelia."

o

o

Air whooshed out of my lungs as I exhaled sharply. The implication of what the wolf-woman just said shattered every coherent thought, leaving me numb and helpless.

"Yes," she said softly, "I am talking about Van. He is the superior pack-leader, he is the one who was challenged, and he is the one who will have to fight against Abaddon."

_

* * *

_

_to be continued…a cliffie! wahahahaaaaar! c'mon, sue me!_

* * *

_you know the drill, don't you?  
**ChIneSeMoMo YuMeTeNsHi:** no, i can't and i won't. this story is told exclusively from hitomi's point of view. an important dogma of writing is that an author should choose a perspective and stick to it throughout the whole story. i'm an obedient girl and strictly follow this rule. there are many authors who don't do that (which is making their stories at least confusing), and there are even a few who are breaking it purposely as a stylistic means. in my view a change of perspective should only be used by very experienced and skilled authors, and i'm not feeling up to it yet, i'm afraid. maybe i'll be doing an nc-17 one-shot from van's perspective, though.  
**Inda:** i know you are in the habit of checking up on me via e-mail. i didn't mean my remark to come out as harshly as it apparently did. sorry. you can be assured that i'll always update as soon as i'm satisfied enough with each new chapter. i know what it is like to wait for updates.  
**Saiyan-legacy102:** tell that to those who had to wait two months for their next update! of course i won't decline any offer of help. if you find any typo mistakes or the likes, you can always e-mail me directly, and i'll fix them. thanks!  
**Lok:** which one is it? anyway, i'm actively involved in the inuyasha fanfic world, and you won't believe how many blanket scenarios are lurking there, especially in those nc-17 stories!  
**C.G Forever is Now:** anytime. akari knows what stressed-out readers need…  
**Hearts of Eternity:** no offence meant, but it's still ME who's deciding which kind of scene the story needs and which not ;). 'colours' is a drama/angst/romance story and i've decided that i wanted the tone to be dark. any slapstick would destroy the setting i've chosen and will hence be off limits. besides, i'm really rubbish with slapstick and/or comedy; a scene like the one you suggested wouldn't turn out well of i wrote it. plus, i already granted van his little peek, so i suppose that's enough for now. anyway, thanks for the nice compliment. i'm a humble little hobby writer with a peculiar taste, so i wouldn't dare publishing anything. posting something on mediaminer or fanfiction works just fine for me ;).  
**upsidedownfrown: **man, why do you keep changing pen names ! ah, well…what DID happen to allen! it's a surprise, of course!  
**anonymous:** took them long enough, ne?  
**Strawberryz:** no, she wasn't. he just covered her with it, so it slipped to the floor when he helped her put the chain mail on. he obviously didn't bother picking it up as they escaped;).  
**lil-saturn-goddess:** why, thank you!  
**akai chou:** i'm a computer dumbass. i'll never solve my computer problems. at least not as long as i have crappy microsoft-software which keeps glitching anyway. +bangs head against monitor+  
**animelo: **so. you sure there WILL be a declaration of love?**  
****animeLCgrl:** thank you.  
**silver sockeater:** say what you want, but i find your pen-name HILARIOUS! btw, in escaflowne the heroine actually HAS fallen from the sky. maybe those people keep crossing 'lord of the rings' with 'escaflowne'? i was thinking of being a killjoy and writing a story with a hero who is half-elf, half-dwarf, but i didn't want any viruses or flames clogging my inbox. ehehe.  
**AyR:** if you think you've seen me at my worst as far as cliffies are concerned, think again after you read this! i LOVE cliffhangers! the story you mentioned, could it have been 'untitled' by cinderellaXvan? because that's an absolutely brilliant piece of work, although van and hitomi stay seperated and although it doesn't even have a happy ending (i only read that stuff if it's impeccably written… go figure). if you don't know it already, you might want to give it a try.  
**Jameth:** yeah, you were right. must have slipped my scathing eyes. thanks, i corrected it.  
**Kintora:** it might be noted in your 'review history'. that's a useful little tool, mainly for finding out that one of your favourite authors who you'd just pestered for a new chapter stopped updating a year ago;P .  
**Chisakami Saiyuki:** because it takes a lot of courage to do such a thing. besides, van had another reason i won't reveal until next chapter.  
**Tequini:** ich kenne nur 'geht runter wie öl'. gibt es im englischen aber auch nicht. mh... ‚geniestreich'... fühlt sich guuuut an. danke!  
**Katran:** thanks for pointing it out. i've already corrected this mistake, though i still need to upload the new version. as for stiliani, i'll deal with her later, because i kind of feel sorry for her. after all, it's been me who put her into such an awkward situation!  
**Spirit0: **have i told you lately that i really like long reviews? your reviews never fail in buttering me up nicely, although i don't have much to laugh about these times. funnily enough, 'ravenous' has also landed on my 'vocabulary-list' for this week. i got a thesaurus dictionary for christmas, and my new hobby is trying never to use the same word twice in a row. ever since, updating has been taking much more time, but there you go. there's nothing i wouldn't do for the sake of my education…  
**egwene105:** well, i always try to make my chapters worth the wait. that's why i'm taking so long …+shudders at the implication+  
**RaversAnthem:** i'm only telling it like it is. i am ugly, but i don't really mind, since i've got other qualities to make it up for ;) anyway, i like the smutty stuff as well, so there'll be more of it.  
**Tsuyujimo: **50 gummy points! wow. i really feel honoured. thank you!  
**Xanthia Nightshade: **i actually like 'to be continued'. it means a coffee break for me…  
**charice: **wow. you're the first to realize my trick behind the title. or you're the first to tell me that you realized there's a system behind it. yes, there is. that's why i have so many difficulties in finding the proper title, and that's also why i'm slowly running out of titles…originally the story was supposed to consist of twelve chapters. this IS chapter 12 and i'm not even close to being finished…  
**Soul Eyes:** i couldn't resist inserting my 'tbc' right there…i figured it was funny…  
**iwakura.lain:** i have the first comp-problem buffed out only to find another one which, at least, doesn't prevent me from going online. it prevents me from getting any e-mail. i hate computers.  
**Kiya:** boy, am i glad that i'm not the only one who eventually spends her nights reading fics instead of catching up on well-deserved sleep! but then, if you stopped reading fanfics years ago, how come you read mine (not that i don't feel flattered)?  
**Dina:** doh. thank you. i hope you're reading this review response before you read the chapter, because the answer to your question is right in it. i'm not someone who necessarily needs an nc-17 scene to keep me happy, but in this story i thought an intimate moment to be fitting. i kept it as non-lemon-y as possible to prevent the fanfiction-bot from whisking my story outta the archive. for the record: i will NOT continue with a never-ending string of lemons as i've seen other authors do with their romances! 'colours' is still a love story, and there's more to love than just nookie.  
**reiniku:** ; thank you. feel free to judge whether you still like this story…  
**sanctus-seira:** i hope the changes you registered result from some progress in my english-speaking abilities ;), because the last four chapters have been written in what i like to call my 'piranha-technique'. from day to day i would bite off and chew a little slice of the new chapter. peh. on to the horizontal bar and the hyphens: the horizontal bar is a means of separation. it marks a significant change of scene. either some time has passed between the two seperated parts of the story OR the second part takes place in a completely different setting. as for the hyphens – they're some sort of mental hiccough. sometimes i use them for a short pause in the narrator's description due to a moment of hesitation, surprise or a sudden fit of idiocy. sometimes i need them to create tension, like in the sudden change of mood between van and hitomi in the last chapter (you know, before they kissed). sometimes i indicate a flashback with them. now that you mention it, i have a feeling that i didn't use all these things religiously ;  
**dani:** what the heck is 'toodles'! everybody's using it, and i can't even find it in my dictionary! help!_  
_**Luraia Soul: **care to help me bugging some! (just kidding. but then again, who am i to nag for updates…)  
**Diabolic Angel: **man, three reviews on the same day! thank you! and no, there's no need to bug me, because i have a conscience that keeps reminding me of writing..  
**Yuki:** thank you. it won't be hard to guess where this story is going, though, considering the fact that i don't have much of a choice as far as the final pairing is concerned.  
**UsagiYuugi:** i don't think you should envy 'tomi and van for their chaotic love life… believe me, there is nothing better than a stable - albeit boring - relationship!_


	13. Opaque

_hi! back again for the match of the year, abaddon versus van-chan. _

_on a side note, i'm really sorry for having taken so long. i got myself a very important job, and for that i had to move far away. i had to do it all in the course of two weeks. during the month of june i have been living in a makeshift place with no internet connection, so i wasn't able to partake in any communication activities. even my birthday has been a bit fed up with no telephone and none of my loved ones knowing my mail address, and so i'm glad that i am now 'back in business', so to speak._

_now i am settled in, sort of, and i have also taken a little time to adjust to my new surroundings. new responsibilities have been taking up a lot of my time and thoughts which is probably accounting for how awkward it was to resume writing after the break. 'opaque' must have been the most difficult chapter ever. working out the detailed plot has proven to be nearly impossible. i had to erase my favourite scene for construction reasons. i debated for days, even left the story lying for some time, but it couldn't be avoided in the end. every word has been a struggle; i have to admit that, for the first time, i had to force myself to continue this story. finally i did. i promised, after all._

_a few of you seemed to think that this story is going to end soon. nu-uh. not yet. there are still many things to get back in line; i'd say about three of four more chapters to go._

_i'm a bit torn, though. on the one hand, i'm dying to start my new project. on the other hand, 'colours' has been, and still is, my baby. my first multichapter. the most difficult story i have ever written; the fact that i created it during a very dark phase of my life makes it even more special for me. i can't get used to the idea of finishing it for good. nothing will be quite like it used to be before i wrote it. does every author feel like this?_

_so, on to the new chapter. please heed to the following:_

**WARNING:**

_**people who are offended by sexual innuendo or descriptions of sexual acts between consenting adults are strongly advised not to read this chapter. i tried not to be too graphic, but as i frequently write fully fledged lemons i'm not sure whether i managed to stay in keeping with the rating. i have no experience whatsoever with what we europeans call 'american way of prissiness' ;-p (no offence meant!). **_

_**ANOTHER WARNING:**_

_**people who are offended by graphic descriptions of violent acts or the death of fictional characters should not read this chapter. consider yourselves warned. **_

_looks like loads of fun ahead, doesn't it? don't say i didn't warn you. you had it coming._

_on with the show! cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 13

**Opaque**

_

* * *

_

"_**Y**ou misunderstand the situation, sister," she murmured and lowered her head, "Ruhm is our pack-leader, but he is not the only leader figure in our tribe. There is an authority which even Ruhm has to submit to ever since the wolf-people became citizens of Fanelia."_

_-_

_--_

_Air whooshed out of my lungs as I exhaled sharply. The implication of what the wolf-woman just said shattered every coherent thought, leaving me numb and helpless. _

"_Yes," she said softly, "I am talking about Van. He is the superior pack-leader, he is the one who was challenged, and he is the one who will have to fight against Abaddon."

* * *

_

**I**t would have been wrong to say that I felt numb. I simply didn't feel anything.

Runa's lips were moving, so I assumed that she was still talking. But whether she was trying to console me or whether she was attepting to defend the century-old rules of honour that led to this situation, I couldn't guess. The roaring of blood in my ears created a blanket of sound under which her voice completely drowned.

I just sat there, wide eyes fixed to the wall opposite of me without actually seeing. In fact, my control over my body only reached so far as to prevent myself from sinking to the floor in an undignified heap.

Once again life tossed me from what I thought was heaven into the deepest core of hell, and once again I found myself on the brink of losing everything that was precious to me.

How many times in a row can a person bear watching her world break into pieces, even after she'd promised to hold on?

Can a mind become immune to misfortune as much as a body can become immune to chicken pox? Can it develop defense mechanisms against injustice and evil, grief and hate?

At that moment I wished mine could… I wished I could forget what I'd just heard, undo all the consequences of what happened and be blissfully oblivious. I would even settle for falling unconscious again so that the impact of the bad news Runa just told me would not reach me for a while.

Instead, Abaddon's newest ruse hit me once again with full blast as if I'd never excperienced malice before, and I was sorry to realize that this time I was in no position to react adequately. I was reduced to a helpless, shaking bundle of nerves sitting on a pile of blankets in a hole in the ground. Even something as simple as getting up seemed to be impossible.

And even if I did act, what would I be able to do? Runa left no doubt that none of the wolf people would let me meddle with what they considered to be one of their very own affairs. Talking to Van would be hopeless either; I knew enough of his pride to be absolutely sure that he would not stand any attempt at interception from my side. Time, place, the disposition of all the parties concerned, everything was playing against me.

It was decided. Tomorrow morning Van was going to fight against Abaddon, and it was a matter of life and death. Tomorrow I might be losing the love of my life, and this time it would be for good…

Panic resulted in despair, despair resulted in panic; my mind was ending up trapped in a vicious circle. The minutes ticked away. Too exhausted to get up and do something, and too lethargic to even explode or cry, I did nothing more that sit and stare. Ever since I'd left Fanelia Castle with Meruru, everything had gone wrong. I'd climbed every obstacle, risen to every challenge and had now arrived in another dead end. I'd fought -- and lost.

If this was another trial, I was going to fail. There was only so much a single person could take, and I was now beyond my limits. Time for someone else to step in and save the day. Unfortunately, this was not Planet Krypton and there was no Superman around. This was Gaia and my hero, caught in a deadly plot, was neither supernatural nor immortal.

The last thought caused me to hang my head demurely, but the tears wouldn't come…

-

--

**T**he soft padding of bare feet invaded my stupor and caused me to lift my chin. I was not surprised to find that Runa was gone; she probably found a more entertaining pastime than just watch someone else wallow in self-pity.

How much time had passed since she left? A couple of seconds? An hour? Maybe even two, as I found myself sitting in an already pitch-black room that was only lit by the faint flicker of a small fire upstairs. From where I was, I could see a piece of the velvety night sky.

The silhouette of a tall, lean figure materialized in the entrance of the hut which I immediately recognized as Van's. He lowered himself onto the floor and slid into the den. My current mood reflected in the fact that I only managed to conjure up a hollow smile to greet him with, but my dour countenance was easily mirrored by his. He was looking stern and knelt down before me, and for a few uncomfortable minutes we stayed silent.

Slowly I let my my eyes wander over his body, keeping in mind that this might be the last time that I was able to watch him alive. One of his smooth, tanned arms caught my eye. In the dim light of the hut his teint looked even darker than usual, almost as if he was made of copper.

Muscle, bones and sinew were rippling his skin like a chopping sea as the fingers of his right hand pinched and twisted the back of his left arm. He was clearly nervous, but it was exactly his fidgeting that brought the fact to my mind that he was alive, healthy and strong.

It was hard to believe that someone wanted these muscles to direct a weapon, that someone might even cause them to turn cold and stiff in _rigor mortis_. I'd always considered the human body to be an intricate piece of art, so that every activity that resulted in damaging or destroying human lives was – in my eyes – a sin.

"**W**ill you step back?"

The words tumbled out of my mouth without me realizing it. My voice was hoarse and feeble, no doubt caused by too much crying.

He didn't need to answer; I already knew that I was fighting a lost cause. His strong sense of honour, his interpretation of responsibility for me, the wolf tribe and his country were parameters that directed his decision and forbade him to even consider giving up.

"No," he said, and the tone of finality in his voice evidently told me not to mention this subject again. I nodded jerkily. The triumph of having guessed correctly gave me no satisfaction.

"You are going to win, aren't you?" I then demanded, trying to hide the question mark in my voice in a desperate struggle for a bit of positive attitute.

His sigh brushed my forehead and caused the tresses of my fringe to tremble.

"I cannot promise you that, I'm afraid, " he murmured, "Abaddon was, and most probably still is, an excellent fighter."

"He's not!" I protested defiantly, "Think of how long you have been training. You are Escaflowne's master, he can't possibly be a better sword fighter than you are!"

Van smiled sadly, and I found myself wishing that he didn't have such a handsome and expressive face.

"Technique and good reflexes are not everything, Hitomi, " he explained quietly, "Abaddon has both, but the talent that turns him into a really dangerous opponent are his extraordinary powers of apprehension. His ability to manipulate people by finding and using each person's weak spot never fails."

I cast the young king an uncertain look, but he snorted and continued, "It is no coincidence that he confronts me here, among the wolf people, in a place that I usually consider to be the safest I know. By attacking me here he seeks to destroy my confidence. A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on winning."

I immediately knew that he was right. I should have thought of this before. Everything made sense now, from the fact that Abaddon's minions, however close they were, never seemed to be able to find us in the woods to the point that he used the old-fashioned, potentially dangerous method of duelling to get at his opponent. Abaddon knew that disappointment always seemed to be worse when it occurred in a moment of hopefulness.

The whole situation had been arranged masterfully, a creation of an ingenious mind familiar with deceit and cruelty. Maybe my escape truly had surprised him, but he'd known to make the best of it by letting us recover and then strike again in a moment in which we least expected it. Once more Abaddon displayed an amount of intelligence and cold-heartedness that frightened me.

"**I** underestimated him," Van now murmured and interrupted my musings. I looked up and saw that his head was lowered, his shoulders slumped in a gesture of downfall.

"I underestimated him AGAIN. I should have expected him to find me here. It was not that difficult to guess either…"

He gave a mirthless laugh and shook his head, "Abaddon was absolutely right, Hitomi! I am an easy man to understand; whenever something does not go my way, I run to Ruhm and ask for advice. I need him to confirm my decisions and tell me what to do. The fight tomorrow will be the first thing that I will have to manage without him, and I already feel helpless and sick. I'm a pathetic fool!"

The bitter undertone of his voice shook me to the core. I wasn't a psychologist, but I knew that it was wrong for him to be in such a depressive, self-conscious mood; this was exactly how Abaddon wanted him to react! Couldn't he see that?

A wave of spite surged in me and tapped a source of strength I didn't know I had. Somehow, everything that concerned Van had the ability to increase my energy tenfold, to trigger a power boost that was both familiar as well as frightening.

"What is UP with you? " I hissed exasperatedly, "You make it sound as if relying on somebody else were something to be ashamed of! It's not! From time to time everybody needs someone to turn to, even YOU do."

He looked up with a frown and I continued sarcastically, "Then again, I've known your 'nobody-mess with-me'-attitude for the longest time now. You have never exactly been one to be open towards anybody else; that's one thing I always hated about you, Mr. _Lone Wolf _Van Fanel!"

Irritated, but somehow relieved I watched the wild and rebellious flicker return to his irises.

"What is the use in confiding in someone when all I do is expose them to misfortune?" he asked heatedly and pointed an accusing finger at me, "You should never have been here, sumbitted to Abaddon's mockery, you should never have been in his power in the first place, Hitomi! This is not what you deserved! It is my mistake that he was able to get so far, and thus it is my responsibility to …"

"Tche!" I in interrupted him with a scornful noise, clinging to my last shreds of self-control.

Slowly but surely, Van was starting to get on my already frayed nerves. As much as I loved him, I now found myself unable to ignore that Fanelia's king was still a pig-headed, taciturn, overprotective macho with the tendency to take everybody else – aka: me - to be a dependent sissy who absolutely had to rely on his guidance to survive.

As much as Van Fanel's physical appearance had improved over the years, mentally he had not changed one iota. I suppressed a groan.

"You're wrong," I stated flatly, trying to suppress my impatience, "The whole situation is Abaddon's fault and maybe mine, but certainly not yours. For Heaven's sake, he is the bad guy! Blaming yourself for this situation would be like blaming the victim of a gunfight for standing in the way of the bullet!"

The adressee of my reproof, however, shook his head stubbornly.

"Of all people I would have expected you to be more reasonable, Hitomi, " he complained, "He was able to abduct and torture you, because I was not there to protect you! It is I who has to answer for all you have suffered, and I will either compensate my mistake by killing Abaddon tomorrow or I will die trying!"

Disbelievingly I watched a slight blush crawling into his cheeks. His eyes were sparkling and his voice sounded eager, almost as if he was looking forward to the prospect of a deadly fight –

– and maybe he really did. I had not forgotten the day on which he battled against Dilandau's men; he had gotten into a veritable bloodrush and nothing had been able to stop him. He killed almost all of them, including Dilandau, and in the aftermath he nearly died himself because of shame and guilt.

Yes, it had been a day to remember --- and I'd sworn to myself never to allow anything like that to happen again.

"**O**ut, " I said.

Immediately the mad flicker in his eyes gave way to a puzzled blink.

"Eh…?"

"You heard me, " I explained icily, "I want you to get out. I have no need for bloodthirsty idiots around me. It seems that you're anxious for having your intenstines pierced by Abaddon, so go ahead and let him. But in case you survive, don't you ever dare reproach me for once wanting to commit suicide in a desperate situation! Now leave."

Even if at that moment I really meant what I said, Van didn't move. He looked positively gobsmacked with wide and unblinking eyes and his mouth hanging slighthly agape. The first hint of shock in his features showed that he only just began to realize what he had said and done. And what I had said and done.

"Hitomi…" he murmured, but I didn't want to argue. This was a lesson he needed to learn, and I was adamant in not letting him off easily.

"Out, Van," I repeated, "Think about what just happened. I'll see you tomorrow – if you are still alive, that is."

Ouch. An angry grimace marred his even features, only to be replaced by a rapid sequence of rue, hurt, and finally grim determination.

He drew a deep breath and surprised me by asking, "I have understood that you know why I cannot draw back. If that is so, what exactly do you expect from me, Hitomi?"

"What kind of stupid question is that? " I hissed, "According to what you just told me, you are facing a fight that you can't step back from, a fight that only ends when one of the combatants is dead AND a fight against an opponent who you think is much better than you. As far as I am concerned, the man I love is going to die by tomorrow and will leave me to mourn him for the rest of my life, and he's even enjoying the prospect! Damn it, Van, I'm saying it again in case you didn't notice: I love you! Just what did you think I expect from you?"

At this point my voice cracked and at last tears started to fall. I didn't fight them, although I didn't dare hope for relief. A long silence wrapped around us and I half assumed he would be leaving now, but no sound came until he finally spoke.

"I cannot deny, " he said quietly, "that the idea of taking Abaddon's life gives me some measure of satisfaction. However, I hope you believe me when I assure you that it is not the kind of satisfaction HE is feeling whenever he slaughters people."

"I don't care what kind of satisfaction you feel, " I whimpered, feeling my anger slip through my fingers like water at his calm, soothing voice, "Just stop rubbing it in and leave. Leave me alone. I'll be going nuts if I hear the name of this man once more."

By now I definitely didn't mean him to go away anymore. It would be stupid to send him away when I desperately needed him to console me and tell me that everything was going to be okay.

That's why my heartbeat hitched as I perceived shuffling noises indicating that Van was indeed getting up. I buried my face in my palms and prepared for an evening full of misery, when suddenly an arm wrapped around me and gently rubbed my shoulder.

"Look, " Van muttered close to my ear, "let us not spend the evening quarreling, please. I have something I would like to tell you, and I would like to do it now, Hitomi."

_Because this may well be our last evening together._

He didn't say that, of course, but I understood him nontheless and nodded through my tears. Already did I feel guilty about blowing up at him. I would feel terrible if the last words I'd spoken to him would have been spoken in anger.

That's why I swallowed my pain and my fear and wordlessly leaned my head against his chest, while the last sobs slowly subsided. His fingertips lazily stroked a clever little pattern on the skin of my upper arm, and I gradually started to relax under his ministrations. For the first time this evening, peace surrounded us.

**I **would have liked to stay like this forever, but I knew that our time was limited. Anything that remotely resembled some closure, I wanted now. So I nudged him and whispered his name, and he looked up with half-lidded eyes like someone who had just woken up.

"You wanted to tell me something, " I stated, attempting to keep my voice as neutral as possible although my pulse was nervously hissing inside my head.

"Yes, " he mumbled and inhaled deeply, "in fact, there is. Something important. I …" he stopped himself and stared ahead, obviously thinking hard. His eyebrows knotted themselves on his forehead as he struggled for words.

"Van, " I admonished gently, although my heart was already doing a tarantella against my ribcage, "you're stalling."

He nodded slowly and tried to bear up while I was trying to do the same. A lump was forming in my throat, making it difficult to breathe properly. If he was going to say what I thought he was going to say, what I expected him to …

"Stiliani, " he hesitantly said, and "Huh!" was my eloquent answer.

Over all this brouhaha with Abaddon I'd totally forgotten the princess of Derval. Once my immortal enemy and ever-present rival around which my universe revolved, her engagement with Van now turned out to be a harmless trifle when opposed to the anti-royalist leader howling for Van's blood.

Still.. Van's remark brought her crime back to my mind. I lifted my chin to stare at his face incredulously. What could he possibly have to say over her?

Anger and impatience must clearly have shown in my posture, because Van reached out and touched my wrist with calloused fingertips.

"Wait, " he said, and to my surprise, he smiled subtly, causing the wrinkle on his forehead to disappear and his eyebrows to stretch out like a pair of lazy snakes dozing in the sun.

"Tt is not what you think it is. She consented to a mutual break-up of the engagement. It was announced on the day before I left for Adom and has been official ever since."

I froze. After the first few words the hammering of my heart grew so loud that I only heard a strangely warped version of what he was telling me. A few words, however, stood out as clearly as beacons stand out in the mist.

Engagement. Break-up. Official.

Apparently, something had happened that I had been waiting, wishing, praying for.

Van was free. He was no longer bound to an engagement that had, ever since its disclosure, been a constant source of discomfort and pain to me. He was free for me to love him, and he was free to love me back.

I could only guess which purpose Van was going to employ his newfound liberty for, but I already had a notion, a sentimental idea, a mad hope…

After drawing a deep, shuddering breath, I tried to speak, but no sound was coming out.

Van seemed to sense my confusion and closed my mouth with a tip of his finger and a smirk.

"Do not speak, " he whispered, "You do not need to say anything. It is I who has to explain, as it was I who behaved so outrageously during the whole affair."

I shook my head to protest and gulped several times before I entrusted myself with another attempt to say something.

"Van, " I wheezed, "why..?"

"I have to admit that I was taken aback after having watched you with Shezar, " he said and his smile appeared forced for a moment.

I wanted to defend myself, but he lifted his hand and interrupted me before I could even open my mouth.

"It is all right, " he muttered, "I have understood. Allen has offered you the comfort I couldn't give, and HE has never really gotten over you. Ever since Folken.. –

-- his irises darkened considerably, buth whether from grief or anger I couldn't tell ---

".. ever since Folken has been influencing him with Dornkirk's machine, Shezar changed a lot. Folken should never have played with human minds."

He appeared to be lost for a moment. I assumed that his feelings for his older brother were still as ambiguous as they used to be several years ago and kept quiet. This conversation was turning out to be a minefield of long-suppressed emotions. Van closed his eyes for a moment and schooled his features before going on.

"Anyway, I knew that you did not kiss Shezar on your own volition, because I saw your face when you ran away. I decided to look for you and talk to you. When I found you, you were discussing with Meruru and –"

-- here he had the decency to blush so that the colour of his face resembled mine –

"well, suffice to say I learned that despite everything you had told me sofar you were serious about… about everything. I made up my mind to dissolve the engagement and asked Stiliani to agree. "

I was so spellboud by what he told me that I generously ignored his implication I might NOT have been serious about him. This was something I was going to save for later – if there was a 'later' for us.

With a snort he added, "You see, she even found a way to avoid this clause I have been talking about. A one-sided breach of the engagement would have led to a state of war between Fanelia and Derval, but a mutual break-up.. "

He didn't get to tell more, because at that moment the mysterious numbness left my body; wordlessly I fell into his arms and kissed him as if my life depended on it. He wrapped his arms around my frame and squeezed so hard that it hurt, but I didn't mind. My ability to experience pain gave proof that were were both alive, after all.

**A **million questions were storming through my mind at the same time. Why did Stiliani agree, as she had been so obviously smitten with Van? Why didn't she tell me during the meeting in Amine? She'd obviously known about the break-up, as her distress had been evident! Why had Van not told me earlier? Why — How --- Who ---?

My heart, however, screamed at me to shove all these petty questions to the side to pose the one that stood out prominently in my mind, the most important question of all. With some difficulty I leaned back and left the warmth of his embrace. My lips were still tingling from his touch, but I had to sacrifice momentary bliss to hear something important.

"Tell me. Tell me why you did all that, " I challenged him and pinned his gaze with mine.

Van was no idiot. He knew what I wanted him to say and reciprocated my piercing glance calmly and openly. This time there was no way around it.

"Because I realized something. When you kissed Shezar, I wanted to kill him. I was shocked about myself, but this feeling sort of enlightened me as to what I feel for you."

He reached out and cupped my cheek with one of his hands, the pad of his thumb lazily tracing my jawbone. I reached out to hold his free hand and leaned into his touch like cats do when someone is scratching their ears. Van chuckled and pressed his lips to each of my knuckles with a deep, telling glance into my eyes. No dramatic gesture could have been more intimate, more trusting. We had never been so close before. Never.

"I once thought that I'd stopped loving you, Hitomi, but I was wrong. I still do and I always will as long as I'm breathing."

-

--

---

_I love you._

**I**n corny romance stories these words usually mark the point on which the heroine always starts crying. Silver tears are trickling down her rosy cheeks while the hero falls to his knees, takes her slender fingers into his hands and pops the question. Then he lifts her onto the back of his horse and rides with her into the sunset or such a thing.

Well, I'm sorry to have to destroy this pretty cliché, but none of this happened to me. There is no such thing as the perfect romance in which everything goes smoothly. The first kiss, the first confession, the first date are not all they are cracked up to be. Surely they are all important points in a girl's (and a boy's) life, but honestly, most of these moments are much more mundane than what romance novel authors want to make us believe.

In my case, the words with which Van declared his love for me, a love, by the way, which I had never doubted, were romantic enough to satisfy an ordinary listener's sweet tooth. On the other hand, my lover had never had a taste for drama. As impressively and honestly as he spoke, there was nothing poetic in the clear, unaffected language which he even used to the woman he was in love with.

As for me, I didn't act like the perfect heroine as well.

Although I blushed heavily --

-- watching Van admitting tender feelings was as embarassing for me as it is for all women; coochie-cooing just doesn't fit the image of blatant masculinity we girls love to stick to! --

-- and although I was thrilled that he finally summoned his courage to tell me that he reciprocated my feelings for him, there was one thing that I did NOT do.

I didn't cry. I had no reason to. None of the extreme states of mind that called for immediate emotional relief applied to me.

I wasn't sad. There was no right to be sad for the woman who knew herself to be loved by Van Fanel.

On the other hand, I wasn't perfectly happy either. The purity of this sentiment was clouded. While the ordinary heroine usually had nothing to worry about except wondering which dress she was going to wear on her wedding, my heart was heavy with fear. Opposite to the majority of couples we didn't have a long life together to look forward to. There was no happily ever after for us.

We were makeshift lovers in a would-be romance novel, and I didn't need to remind myself that I never really liked open-ended stories.

**W**ith another deep sigh I buried my nose in Van's chest and felt his arms tighten around me. Man, how I wished I could forget about all this for the next hours! If I could just clear my mind of everything except Van. If I could just have tonight…

"I'm sorry, " his voice reverberated deep in his chest, "I wanted to stay with you for the rest of your life, but I canot promise you anything like that right now. It would be irresponsible to give an assurance I might not be able to keep."

"Darn, " I murmured sarcastically, "that's exactly what I wanted to hear from you, Van. As long as you're here with me, can't you just stop being responsible for a while and try to pretend everything is okay?"

A deep intake of breath caused my head to shift against his shoulder. Instead of answering, he gently caught my chin in his fingers, nudged it up and kissed me. He tasted of bitterness and hoplessness, but I purposely shoved this knowledge to the side. I didn't want to spoil these precious moments with resentful convictions, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and reciprocated the embrace.

Slowly his lips moved over mine and nuzzled the corner of my mouth. A blissful sigh escaped my throat. All of a sudden, it was no longer difficult to empty my mind of petty worries. Eyes fluttered shut, ears blended out; all my attention focused on my tactile senses.

Tiny butterfly kisses dropped against my mouth and caused it to tingle as if it was being electrified. I tried to grab his lower lip with my teeth, but he dodged away and I could feel him smirking against me.

"I am trying to stop being responsible here, " he whispered and was careful to send a puff of air against my chin during the process of speaking, "so why do you try to stop me?"

"Do you? Well, by all means continue," I replied with a wavering voice and a wonky smile, "if it keeps us both from thinking too much ..."

The distraught expression in his eyes disappeared behind heavy bangs as he lowered his mouth to the tip of my chin and started nibbling a way across my jawbone. My head fell back as I tried to expose more skin to his touch. By the time he reached my earlobe, the nerves in my midriff were ablaze. By the time he reached my collarbone, they already burned down to a smouldering pile of ashes. I groaned quietly.

It was amazing how easily Van managed to manipulate my feelings. When I was with him, my emotions, be they anger, fear, love, lust, happiness or sadness, were boundless.

All my life I have been in control of my temper, at least that's how I remember it. I may have been a bitch sometimes, but I never stooped to yelling at other people and never slapped somebody before. Suddenly, without warning, Van materialized in front of me so that I barrelled into him, started to act silly – and I exploded. Ever since I first met him there has always been something unsettling about him that caused me to go overboard.

On the first moment of our acquaintance he'd touched something deep within me that had been dormant until then – and he still did. If possible, his influence has grown stronger with my increasing love for him. He managed to pull a number on me with a single word; he crushed me with a single frown and revived me with a smile.

Heh. Knowing how much I like challenges, maybe that's why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Now he set me on fire with a single touch.

In an attempt to vent the sudden surge of sensuality I experienced, my fingers crawled up Van's neck and started raking through his thick, wiry strands. A twitch, a shiver, but also the increasingly aggressive quality of his nips and kisses testified that he was suffering under the same symptoms as I was.

The grip on my waist intensified, accidentally dragging his fingertips over the narrow stretch of skin at my waist where the camisole Runa gave me had ridden up. Flames raced through my nerves and I arched into his grip, unable to stop my body from reacting as dramatically as it did. One of my hands came up to instinctively to claw at his shirt and find some support. For a second our bodies molded together and I felt his hard chest against mine. His body heat. His frantic heartbeat.

His intoxicating closeness.

It was in this second that I realized what I was about to do.

I was about to seduce him. I wanted him to sleep with me. I wanted a moment of completion, just once.

-

--

**T**he thought didn't shock me anymore. It had been a long way from the initial girlish embarassment about 'the bad thing' to where I was now.

In the beginning I was feeling flustered about the idea of Van and me sleeping with each other. Then again, I never doubted that growing familiarity with each other would bring about a change. We had to give our relationship time to develop. I was positive that neither of us lacked physical attraction as far as the other was concerned, and some day, some day…

Then something unexpected happened. A humiliated man tried to restore his wounded pride by attempting to rape me. Lying on the ground, exposed and helpless, the contorted face and greedy hands of my torturer in my line of sight, should have shaken my resolve. Instead, the exact opposite happened. As soon as I found the time to picture Van in his place, I realized that somehow the idea of HIM looming over me had lost its apalling nature.

I needed to be deeply in love before realizing that making love didn't only mean having sexual intercourse. Having sex was only the technical part of the whole progress. The bigger part of making love meant offering oneself to the other, without condition, without reservation, without safety rope. It was the ultimate proof of faith in the other, proof I wanted to offer to Van.

Being with him incorporated nothing to be scared about! This was VAN. My Van with the refined smile, the passionate eyes and gentle hands. My Van who would never hurt me. My Van who already knew me inside out. My Van whose skin was so soft and warm and lively and whose sculpted body I wanted to –

The mischievous smile on my lips was tugging at the corners of my mouth. No, there was not a trace of doubt about what, and who, I wanted. I didn't need to consider the additional evidence of the night in the Atlantean temple to be sure of that.

"**H**itomi--"

My name sounded almost tentative as though he wanted to test it. I was still hugging him closely so that I could not see his expression, but I sensed the change in him. He was tense, but in a good way. Attentive, more like. Waiting. For what? For… me!

Without answering I turned my head a fraction and pressed a slow, open-mouthed kiss on his neck. A tremble went through the figure in my arms, but he did not resist to what I was doing. That's why I mouthed his nape once more and began working my way up to his earlobe.

"Hi… tomi?"

Uncertain, but not defensive.

If we had not been in this exceptional situation, if he had not been as distressed as I expected him to be, I never would have dared handle him like that. For heaven's sake, he was a king, a genuine king born and raised for the sole purpose of being obeyed! One word of him was enough to land me in prison, and Van could be scary when he was angry…

But as the situation was now, his defenses were down. The risk was low. I continued my attack mercilessly.

Sturdy, calloused hands clasped my flanks as I lightly nuzzled the shell of his ear and to my surprise, his thumbs started roaming the stretch of skin in the small of my back. I could have sworn that I heard sparks crackle between his fingertips and my waist and uttered a startled gasp.

The vice grip in which I held him only loosened for a second, but this tiny flicker was all he needed. Before I'd recovered from the intense sensations his fingers elicited on my bare back, he'd grabbed me and flipped me over so that I was leaning half across his lap. Without giving me time to breathe properly his lips landed on mine. Cool fingers maneuvered my face into an angle to grant him better access, and I obeyed without thinking as his tongue traced the seam of my lips, demanding entrance.

As always, his kisses worked magic. Each torturously slow stroke of his lips triggered a bolt of electricity that ran through my nerves into my midriff. The sensual dance of our tongues had the same effect too much alcohol had on me; I felt oddly detached, as if my body had disintegrated and left only my senses behind.

He broke the embrace abruptly and caused me to whimper at the sudden loss of his physical closeness. However, even he was trying hard to get his bearings. With a shuddering intake of breath he collapsed onto his free hand and hung his head low. The hand that was still strewn loosely over my hips clenched and unclenched spasmodically.

"Are you … sure…?" he muttered with a voice so quiet that I hardly understood what he was saying.

**H**is gaze as he was peering at me through hooded eyes caused my heartbeat to speed up. These exceptional crimson irises of his were clear, albeit passion had given them an almost blood-red colour. But it was not the lingering desire that shocked me; it was the fact that he looked at me with an expression as determined as I had rarely ever watched him wear. He was dead serious. No sign of confusion or lethargy was apparent. I was not looking into the eyes of a helpless victim but of an active and conscious participant ...

Disbelief, then understanding and finally reassurance flooded my heart.

"Are you sure you want this?" he repeated and withdrew his hand from my back.

As quickly as I could, I grabbed his wrist and put the hand back to where it had been.

"Yes, " I replied breathlessly, feeling the blood rise into my cheeks.

He narrowed his eyes slightly as if he somehow doubted I was telling the truth, but I hurried to explain, "I've been sure for a long time, Van. What do you think would have happened in the Atlantean temple if I had not touched your wound? Do you think I would have stopped? And, " I added as an afterthought, seeing his flushed face in front of my inner eye, "do you think _you_ would have resisted?"

His eyes shut for a moment. By the faint smile that ghosted over his lips as he was contemplating I could make a fair guess as to which scene he was recalling. It was the same scene I was having in mind, and I knew he had enjoyed it as much as I had.

The memory alone brought along the familiar and delightful prickling sensation between my thighs. Pure relish chased a wave of gooseflesh over my arms.

"You allowed me to love you, " I whispered, "now deal with it."

As he opened his eyes again they were misty, but his voice was clear and unwavering as he said, "You are right. I would not have resisted."

A smile of relief spread over my features. We stared at each other for a few seconds before he suddenly smiled shyly and spread his arms. With a deep breath sounding suspiciously like a sob, I threw myself against his chest and felt his arms snake around me.

-

--

---

**W**armth. The predominant sensation was warmth. Warmth and heaviness. At the same time the impression of floating. Gravity pull seemed to have been switched off.

A myriad of new emotions. A heady, penetrating scent. Senses so keen that each little stimulus appeared to be magnified tenfold. Feelings so strong that they turned my conscience into mush.

Groaning, I reached out for the only constant I had. My fingers sank into smooth skin under which iron hard muscles stretched and rippled as he nudged his way down my trunk, leaving a fiery trail in his wake. I trembled again as he placed an open-mouthed kiss on my navel and gave it a short, teasing nip.

In an unconscious reaction my fingers clamped down on his shoulders. A jerk and a muffled grunt of protest caused me to open heavy-lidded eyes and spot thin red lines on his upper arms where my blunt fingernails had scratched him. I opened my mouth to apologize, but his next nip at the inside of my thigh drove the memory of these scratches out of my mind again.

We rolled to the side and I reared up to watch him closely. Slightly tanned skin was contrasted by the dark mass of rugged furs he was lying on, cheeks were dusted a pale red and burning, liquid eyes were hidden behind half-lowered lids and a curtain of tousled bangs with a dark, metallic sheen. He was beautiful. Every part of him was trim, well-proportioned and appealing, and he was all mine.

I relished in the way the pads of my fingers were able to trace his clean-cut muscles, to stroke his quivering throat and to muss up his already dishevelled hair. A sweatdrop was inching down his chest and I caught it with my lower lip. The expression of shocked awe on his features as he looked back at me caused the more selfish and egotistic part of my mind to puff up with pride and satisfaction. The corners of my mouth started to travel upwards.

A cocked eyebrow, a mischievous smile and a sharp tug brought me close to his face again and I kissed him recklessly, pouring my whole existence into this caress. He took my offering without hesitation. His tongue delved into my mouth posessively and swiped away my essence, giving me his in exchange and granting me a moment of complete effulgence. From now on, nothing else except his love would be filling my heart.

My body grew soft and pliable, and I didn't even try resisting as he flipped us over again and loved me entirely.

**C**heesy romance novel descriptions once again sounded pale and threadbare in comparison to what I felt. I didn't pass out. I didn't see stars. I wasn't riding on a tsunami of lust, whatever that was supposed to mean. Sure, the pounding of my heart sped up as much as the rushing of blood in my ears increased, and at some point I had the impression that my conscience was hovering over my body, watching the scene. All muscles in my body suddenly fell limp and the tugging in my abdomen abruptly stopped. However, the physical reaction was more queer than anything else.

On the other hand, what those syrupy love scenes never did justice was the feeling of closeness, of affection that I experienced. My whole mind was filled with Van and nothing else, his presence was the epitome of happiness and I never loved him so much as I did during these moments. The awareness that my devotion was as strong as ever, that it was pure and unselfish and exclusively for him elevated me. The knowledge that I gave him something even I couldn't have, something unique, awed me. What we did was sacred.

Our bodies rose and fell in sync, instinct directing our movements until we hit the peak. I clung to him, he fell into my arms and together we drifted back into reality, not daring to move until the tingling in our nerves subsided. He'd turned around so I wouldn't be crushed under his weight, pulled me flush against him and was whispering something under his breath I didn't understand, but whether it was a prayer, an endearment or something completely nonsensical, I didn't know.

All that mattered was that I knew he loved me as much as I loved him.

The weak glow of the fire died down and created an orange hue on the walls. I lost track of time… until the even rise and fall of Van's chest under my cheek lulled me into sleep.

No words had been exchanged between us. Yukari had once told me that this was how she used to classify a kiss as good: There was no need to talk about it once it was over. I guess the same thing applied to making love...

* * *

_**T**wo persons were circling each other in a fight. I'd never seen such movements in my life before. It was not the tenacious wrestling of two equally strong fighters who wanted to pull the other to the floor. It wasn't the wild slashing, parrying, ducking of sword fighters either, accompanied by flying sparks whenever their blades touched. There wasn't a whirlwind of flailing arms and legs one could often watch in a pub brawl in which one adversary tried to hit the other in any random way. _

_This was totally different. _

_This was a ritual. _

_A dance of death. _

_Dangerously glinting blades were thrust at the opponent with lightning-quick swipes, blocking and simultaneously attacking the other. At the same time both faceless combatants performed peculiar, sliding motions with their arms and legs that ended in a kick or a punch. The way in which their bodies were swirling around each other looked like their owners were defying the laws of gravity. _

_Sweat was glistening on the fighters' limbs; they were both breathing heavily. However, these noises sounded oddly detached, as if they were part of a really bad sub. _

_Other than the fighters and me, there was nobody else around. The surroundings were deserted. _

_Although I knew that I was watching a deadly fight, I was spellbound by the twisted beauty of the scene that was enrolling in front of my eyes. There was something I couldn't quite place about these trim bodies, tangled in a destructive dance, and it beckoned me further and further into their direction until I was standing very close. _

_One of the fighters, a white phantom, lashed out at the other with a swipe of his arm. Metal glinted in his fist. His opponent did some kind of back-flip in a near-impossible movement, dodging the attack while at the same time smashing one of his feet against the attacker's flank with a dull thud. A muffled grunt of pain ensued. _

_How long did I already watch both of them fighting? Some minutes or an hour; it didn't really matter. Both were already bleeding from various cuts and scratches, and their laboured breathing indicated that the way they moved had to cost them every ounce of strength they possessed._

_A pain-induced yell tugged at my heartstrings. The pale fighter had evaded his opponent's blade in a fluid movement and pierced his own weapon into the other man's sword arm. A spray of blood was spattering to the ground and the dark-haired man stumbled back. With a triumphant shout his adversary darted in, weapon poised ready to strike. _

_A sudden feeling of foreboding enveloped me; I knew something terrible was going to happen in the next split second. _

_**N**oooooooooooo!_

_My lips parted, but no sound came out. Still, the course of time seemed to slow down and stop altogether. Both men froze in their movements, hanging in the air in a kind of surreal freeze image. _

_The man on my side was hanging in the air, bent over backwards in a position that nobody would be able to hold for more than a few seconds. He was clutching his injured arm with his free hand from where a rivulet of blood was snaking down his wrist, and the shadow of the weapon cast a pointed shadow on his chest. _

_With shaking knees I stepped closer until I could see his face. It was Van._

_I groaned as the shock of recognition sent little icicles running through my veins. _

_Numbly I whispered his name, frantically trying to think about what I was supposed to do now. _

"_He's as good as dead, you know," a cold voice said._

_I lifted my gaze and stared the other fighter directly into the eyes. His quicksilver glance belonged to the man who had nearly destroyed about every happy prospect I might have had in my future by taking away my life, my love and my dignity. _

_His accursed name didn't cross my lips. _

_Instead I asked, "Why do you do that? Why are you trying to destroy our life? What have we done to you?"_

_His chuckle was humourless and dry. _

"_Nothing, in fact. Don't take this personally. Fanel has to go because he is a representative of a corrupt system, and you were my means to get at him. That's all."_

_Bile rose in my throat. The careless way in which this man was speaking about the most precious person in my life annoyed me to no end. _

"_This attitude is the reason why you are such a failure," I said coldly, displaying much more confidence than I really felt, "because nobody in his right mind would make such a self-centered and irresponsible bastard like you a leader. So many people have taken pains to help you grow up sheltered, and you turned out to be the exact opposite of who you ought to be!"_

_For the first time since I met him, Abaddon seemed to lose his self-restraint. The barest hint of a blush clouded his alabaster skin and his colourless eyes emitted sparks as he replied heatedly, _

"_Do not try to smart with me, wench! I was Goau's favourite charity project; I became what he wanted me to be! On a whim he created me and on a whim he decided to crush me under his foot, just to prove that he could."_

"_Nonsense!" I shouted, "You can blame the whole world for what happened to you, including yourself, but neither King Goau not Van have something to do with that!"_

_My opponent gave a low hiss. Our topic seemed to unsettle him immensely, as I had never seen him act so… irrational… as he was doing now. His eyes started to assume the appearance of two pools filled with magma; they looked like cutouts looking straight into the centre of hell. He was starting to scare me. _

"_They have been toying with me for my whole life," he hissed vehemently, "and I've sworn that I will never be in a weak position again. **I** will be the one toying with others. **I** will be the one making them crawl in the dust before me. I will dissect them, one by one, cutting off their lying tongue and ripping out their treacherous hearts."_

_Abaddon laughed, but instead of the dry snort I was used to hearing from him, a shrill cackle wracked his slim body and caused my hair to stand on end. I didn't need to see the grimace of unbridled fury on his face to know that he was slowly losing his self-countenance, and I didn't need to watch his fist shaking so much that the tip of his dagger threatened to prick Van's skin. _

_He was getting wound up in his vengeful fantasies to such an extent that I could literally watch his mind deteriorating by the second._

"_Abaddon…" I began with a shaking voice, but his burning irises bore into mine and paralyzed me by sheer intensity. _

_**F**or the fraction of a second I was able to penetrate Abaddon's soul. The impact of despair and helplessness that was flooding my mind caused me to gasp. I was looking into the eyes of Sisyphus. _

"_Can you imagine how it is like when your life, your only aim, blows up in your face, wench?" he yelled, "Can you fathom how it feels like when there is only one thing you want, something that doesn't even matter to THEM but is everything to you, and someone else just decides that you can't have it, no matter how much you plead, struggle or fight?"_

_My heartbeat accelerated and the rushing of blood in my ears faded out his voice. Familiar faces started parading in front of my inner eye; faces that I thought I'd already forgotten. _

_Yukari. Mother. Grandma…_

_They were all wearing the smile that would have saved me from trying to kill myself, had it appeared on their faces in the right moment. A stinging in my heart made me realize how much I still missed them, how much these wounds still hurt. I, above all people, knew how it felt like to have lost everything that has been most dear to me. _

_Yes, I perfectly understood what he was saying!_

_Deliberately steeling my heart against my own weakness, I pushed these pictures away. Needless to say that the idea of having something in common with this man didn't sit well with me. _

_I didn't WANT to understand him. He didn't NEED me to; he was the bad guy and my arch-enemy! The fact that my reasons for despair had been different from his, that I had hurt myself instead of others, that I had, opposite to him, somehow managed to overcome most of my difficulties, didn't prevent me from feeling humiliated by the comparison. _

_Still, I couldn't quite prevent my eyes from fixing on his agitated face again; I couldn't help noticing a muscle in his chin twitch and couldn't fight a wave of compassion starting to rise in my breast. He was as miserable as I had been back then…_

_Before I could stop myself I blurted out, "I know how you feel!"_

_It was easy to discern the moment in which he finally grasped the meaning of my words, because right then a flash of uncertainty disturbed the expression of boundless rage Abaddon sported. He tried to cover it with a disdainful snort, but it was too late. I had already located the weak spot in his defence and instinctively knew that I had to hit it head on._

_It was hard to believe that compassion and understanding were successful where threats, maneuvering and blackmail had been useless before. Funnily enough, a man who had only lived by the parametres of power and revenge could be conquered by the exact opposites of everything he believed in: weakness and sympathy. _

"_Look," I said, drawing a deep breath," I hate this fact as much as you do, but I can see where you are coming from. I know what it's like to be left completely alone."_

_The change that my enemy's face went through fascinated me in a morbid way. While I was speaking, it had taken on an unhealthy shade of white in which his pale eyes were barely visible anymore. The corners of his slit eyes twitched and I hesitated for a split second. _

_Trying to unnerve Abaddon meant playing a dangerous game, because I knew him to tend towards drastical reactions when pushed sufficiently. The quick glance towards his armed hand which was still poised over Van's chest threateningly, however, caused me to irritate him further. _

"_I lost everything that was important to me," I murmured, "and those people I had trusted in turned their backs on me. I was miserable and weak, and I was completely helpless—just like you are now." _

"_Stop it," he whispered tonelessly. His body was as tense as a coiled spring, ready to uncoil in an explosion of violence –or ready to break. _

"_I needed help – and I got it when I needed it most," I added, the tone of my voice high, soft and pleading. Every fibre of my mind was turned towards him, trying to convince him to give up._

_"Can't you see that you need help as well?Abaddon!"_

_The sound of his name triggered a sudden jerk in his rigid body. Pale eyes opened wide. _

_Something behind his eyes snapped, and his limbs started to tremble uncontrollably. The knife fell out of his limp fingers and landed on the floor with a thud, plunging into the ground up to the hilt. I shuddered at the idea of what this blade might have done to Van. _

_A strange, ragged groan drew my gaze back to Abaddon. Terrified I watched him sink to his knees, fingers clawing at his temples and eyes rolling into the back of his head. The picture of distress that he presented impressed me so much that I started to hurry towards him. Hatred and disdain evaporated into the sole wish of helping him in any possible way. _

_Shortly before I reached him I called his name once more, and he looked up._

_Utmost loathing was burning in his irises and sent my heart plummeting into my stomach. Too late did I realize that he was a wounded beast, but not yet a defeated one. I tried to dodge to the side, but in a lightning-quick movement he pulled the blade from the ground and slashed at me. All I could do was helplessly watch the tip of the knife flying into my direction. _

_My body curled up in an instinctive reaction as it collided with my stomach in the region of my breastbone—_

_-- and broke into a cloud of splinters…_

_

* * *

_  
**M**y own yell still resounded in my eardrums as I bolted up. I was panting and covered in sweat as I turned my head around wildly to locate Abaddon. Dim light made it difficult to see details, but contrary to what I expected I was not standing on the vast gathering place of the village. To my immense relief I soon recognized the low ceiling and warm earthen tones of Van's and my 'guest house'.

The den of the little hut was deserted, and with a sigh I sank back onto the pile of soft blankets and furs I was lying on. Gingerly I prodded the centre of my chest, but smooth and unblemished skin ascertained that the whole encounter had indeed been a dream. A very vivid dream, granted, but nothing palpable.

A dream – or a vision? Although I already learned to classify most dream sequences as figments of my imagination, I was still uncertain in cases like this in which I witnessed a particularly intense experience. And as always, I was unsure about how to react. I'd watched Abaddon threaten Van and attempting to kill me. Should I warn somebody, just in case? But what if I riled up the wolf tribe and upset Van for nothing?

On the other hand, what if this had been real; what if I ignored it and missed something vital, something that might be able to save Van's life?

The burden of responsibility weighed down heavily on my shoulders. In my mind the image of Ruhm's exasperated face rapidly took turns with a picture of my beloved, bleeding heavily with a knife sticking out if his chest. For a few panic-filled moments I found myself unable to stop my thoughts from circling restlessly in my head.

Only gradually I succeeded in forcing myself to inhale slowly and regularly. After having mentally counted to one hundred, the quick pitter-patter of my heartbeat slowed down and the lump in my throat dissolved. I was able to breathe again.

Another one of Gudrun's tricks had once again proven its worth.

Although the strain was still present, it was now under control and my ability to think rationally had been restored. I took a deep breath and lined up my priorities. I'd completely forgotten where my loyalties lay. My first concern was, and had always been, Van. I had to do everything to ensure his safety, even if that meant that I had to raise false alarm. I had to warn him.

**H**e was not here right now, so I would have to seek him out. I couldn't guess why he left in the first place, but I wasn't remotely concerned. I was sure that if anything significant had happened, he would have told me. Truth be told, I half expected him not to be there when I woke up, considering the level of intimacy we shared yesterday evening. It had been too large a step for him to feel comfortable with me afterwards.

I sighed. Under normal circumstances, with Stiliani out of the way and such a huge progress made in our relationship - there was no way he could take back what happened! - , I would have been ecstatic. I would have felt that we had all the time in the world to sort things out and strengthen our bond. Now we didn't have any time left, at least not unless Van survived the fight. Trust Abddon to mess it all up and hit where he could expect to cause the biggest damage.

With another deep sigh I peeled off multiple layers of fur that covered my naked body and started scouring the room for my clothes. I found them scattered over the floor exactly where I had shed them yesterday evening, when I had been too caught up in the moment to actually care where they landed...

A heavy blush heated my cheeks as I hastily dressed, crawled out of the den and left the hut.

Cool, humid air greeted me as I stepped outside. I glanced at the sky which was covered by thick grey clouds, thus creating a glum and diffuse athmosphere. There weren't many warm days left; the temperature had fallen considerably in the last weeks. With a sigh I continued on my way.

The same eerie silence that had greeted us on our arrival lay heavy on the scene and exuded tension, and the streets were still as empty as before. Even the birds appeared to be holding their breath. Somehow everything seemed to adjust to the grim occasion.

With each step the athmosphere grew more stifling; I had the impression that I was walking towards a source of electricity. The fine hairs on my arms started standing on end as the tension increased by the second. A strange humming became audible and a knot in my intestines coiled up.

As soon as I started having difficulties breathing I halted abruptly. Was I late for the fight? But somebody would have told me, wouldn't they? At least Van would have woken me, if only to say goodbye. Wouldn't he? WOULDN'T HE!

-

--

**I** arrived at the battle-field with lungs burning as if they were torn in half, but I didn't care. The sight that greeted me was beyond terrible. Apparently the whole population was gathered around a clearing outside the village grounds. Runa had once pointed out the spot to me and told me that this was the place where all the former pack-leaders were buried. She added that this was also where the ancient guardian spirits of the tribe lingered and where 'crucial decisions', that was her exact expression, were usually made.

Back then I hadn't paid much attention to her, because I couldn't figure out any situation in which this place might affect me in any way. Only when I found the gathering place empty, the streets deserted and the feeling of foreboding so strong that it caused me a headache, it accidentally occurred to me just what the meaning of her words could have been.

Just as I broke through the shrubbery like a wild bull the spectators groaned. Heart jumping into my throat, I reached the ring of people surrounding the arena with a few leaps and immediately started to knock everybody to the side who was standing in my way. Many recognized me and gave way voluntarily, but I didn't notice.

The last layer shifted before me and revealed a scene I recognized at once.

Two persons, two blades, two lives. One death.

Their figures were mere shadows swirling around each other. An occasional thud, shouts of surprise or pain and the ever-present heavy panting prove that this time there was nothing wrong with my hearing. The surrounding wolf-people gasped as one of the fighters jumped into the air, twirled around and landed a few feet away from the centre of the fight.

It was Van, and for a split second he stood still enough for me to assess his physical condition. The fight must have lasted for quite some time, because his movements were somewhat weary and his face was covered in sweat. A few scratches or cuts marred his skin, but none of them bled heavily. The bloody rip in his pant, however, probably was a different story, but there was nothing I could do right now.

A quick glance asserted me that his adversary was not much better. His face was as composed as ever, albeit streaked with dirt, blood and moisture. Shredded ruins of what might once have been a tunic were hanging at his waist loosely and exposed pale skin. Despite all the dried blood and dirty cloth I could count his ribs. His skinny appearance didn't fool me, though; his movements were controlled, graceful and fluid.

Van had been right. He WAS dangerous.

But – and I hoped my partiality didn't mislead me here – I also noted that he was not superior to Van. As they both struggled, attacking and blocking in an almost invisible speed, none of them appeared to be gaining the upper hand.

I also noted that it was easy to decide where the spectators' loyalty lay. Each of Abaddon's attacks was accompanied by a groan, each of Van's with a truimphant hiss.

**A** clanging sound immendiately drew my attention back to the fight. With fluttering nerves I watched both figured dancing around one another. Apparently Abaddon had overcome his surprise quickly and closed the distance to his adversary with a gliding leap. The mad slash would have gutted Van like a carp if he had not blocked it with a maneuvre so fast that his arm turned into a blur through which the evil glinting of the weapon in his fist was barely discernable.

A spray of blood and a half-suppressed shout declared the silver-haired man to be wounded. He tumbled to the side, clutching his hand from which blood was pouring through his fingers and running down his arm. With an expression akin to horror he peered at the side of his hand which was missing a large chunk.

I cringed as I recognized just what it was that had been cut away. Van's clear voice helped me push the terrible awareness to the front of my mind.

"An eye for an eye, Abaddon," he said coolly, "a tooth for a tooth," his eyes were glinting maliciously as he continued, "and a finger for a finger."

He looked menacing with the way blood was dripping from his blade; the blade which I immediately recognized as the one he'd used in the woods to cut us a path through dense shrubbery. The knife whose mere presence had terrified me senseless. The slightly opalescent weapon that seemed to have a life of its own. A knife that was sharp enough to cut away a human limb, even when it had not looked like it touched Abaddon in any way.

THE WEAPON.

"It is a ritual blade, sister," a calm voice next to me replied, and I realized I must have spoken aloud. Grateful for Runa's explanation, but worried about its implication, I looked at her quizzically.

"Each of them is made of a particular kind of quartz, one that can only be found in the heart of the mountains, " she explained quietly, "The material is half-organic. It vibrates, you see. There is nothing this blade cannot part."

"So this is what these knives are for? " I wanted to know, "cutting the opponent into ribbons in one of these duels?"

Runa seemed to be so tense that she didn't catch my not-so-subtle critique. "This knife is the sign of the pack-leader's power of juridiction, " she muttered, "only he is allowed to carry one."

To my dismay her statement made sense. Van's possession of this hideous weapon underlined the theory of him being, in a twisted way, pack-leader of this tribe. However, the fact that my beloved permanently carried around such a weapon as this disturbed me even more.

"Hang on, " I whispered, "does that… augh!"

I didn't speak on, because right now Abaddon delivered a hard kick against Van's injured leg. My lover's muffled groan drowned in the loud gasp of all bystanders, but I could see that he was in pain. He stumbled backwards and with a gleeful yell, his opponent lashed out. Van was ducking away and appeared to be falling on his back as his adversary was dashing forward. More than fifty throats simultaneously uttered a startled cry --

**A**ll of a sudden the humming of the pulse in my head grew unnaturally loud and drowned these voices. My vision clouded and my imagination started playing tricks on me, speeding up or slowing down the scene enrolling in front of me so much that I was starting to get dizzy.

As a consequence, Van's movements were becoming choppy like in a badly animated film sequence.

He was bending over backwards –

closely avoiding the path his opponent's knife –

the back was arching athletically –

muscles danced under sweaty skin –

bare feet left the ground, propelling him into the air –

arms were buckling slightly under the weight of his body –

one of his feet performed a sliding movement and smashed into Abaddon's flank with bone-cracking force –

-- and suddenly I was seeing two identical scenes at the same time. My mind started replaying an achingly familiar scene so that what I saw and what I imagined were overlapping.

Two Abaddons, one solid and the other half-transparent, were teetering backwards, tripping and falling to the floor. Two Vans, one real and one a figment of my memory, were dashing forward to nail him to the floor like butterflies were nailed to a board. Two yells, one distinct, the other covered under white noise, resounded as Abaddon rolled away in the last possible moment. Two opaque knives stabbed the earth, each accompanied by a small explosion of dust.

I felt like I was drunk, seeing and hearing everything double.

Except I wasn't. I knew exactly where the warped replay came from. I already knew what was going to happen. The scene was still vivid in my memory. This dream, this wretched dream in which I watched Van nearly dying, this vision in which it was I who was being killed in the end, still haunted me.

And this time it was real.

The first wave of panic left, but while it was passing it swept away valuable seconds. Helplessly I watched Abaddon scramble back to his feet and dodge Van's next attack. In a few moments the cold metal I once felt on my own skin was going to pierce my lover's arm, and then …?

Van swerved around the attacker's thrust elegantly and jumped to the side. His fist described a semi-circle and with a ripping sound another piece of tattered cloth fluttered to the floor.

_How on Earth was I going to stop my dream from coming true?_

A curtain of pale hair flew through the air as its owner dived headlong over his opponent's shoulder. A jagged blade cut though skin and left bloody streaks on Van's bicep, exactly where I had left my own marks during the previous night.

_Would I have to let Abaddon attack and kill Van? Would I have to scream and let him kill me? Who was I going to sacrifice? Van? Or I ?_

With a hollow thud the elbow of my love met Abaddon's ribcage. A gasp, a cough and the white man fled to the side. With a triumphant yell the dark-haired man flew after him, the tip of his weapon aiming at the vulnerable spot where his rival's clavicles met.

_He was going to kill him. He was going to plunge his blade into Van's heart, shed his blood, stop his heartbeat._

My fingernails left little crescent-moon shaped scars in the skin of my palms. In my anxiety not to miss any second of the fight I was bobbing on the balls of my feet, unaware of my muscles aching and cramping in the process.

Van was thrown off course abruptly as his adversary batted away the attacking hand in the last possible second. He managed to catch his fall with his free hand, but winced as a heavy boot descended on his fingers and crushed them under its heel. Abaddon's cackle filled the air.

_I didn't want to die. Not again. But what was the point in living when I couldn't have Van?_

The urge to vomit became impossible to suppress. I sank to my knees and spat a mouthful onto the ground, but since I had not eaten anything ever since we arrived at the village, only the sour taste of gall filled my mouth. People crowded around me, but Runa shooed them away and helped me get up. Wordlessly I tugged my arm out of her grip and stumbled back to the front of the row.

_Tic – toc, tic – toc, Hitomi!_

The heel of Van's hand met the hollow of my enemy's knee and caused him to fall over backwards. Both men rolled over the floor in a tangle of limbs, separated as quickly and stared at each other calculatingly before simultaneously attacking. Abaddon ducked low and charged, effectively neutralizing the thrust directed at his chest and barrelled into his rival's defense, sword arm poised ready to strike.

_TIC – TOC_

Van yelled.

My fingers twitched. It happened.

-

--

**I **swear I didn't act consciously. My more rational side knew perfectly well that it was dangerous to interfere. Abaddon was lurking on the one side, a wounded beast with nothing to lose. On the other side there was Van whose instinct-driven savageness had broken free from the self-imposed barriers of civilized demeanour. Even the specators were in a hazardous state of excitement. The whole situation was highly unstable; martial law ruled.

Nevertheless I found myself in the middle of the battlefield and running into both fighters' direction. A hand caught my arm and yanked me back with so much force that I felt my shoulder joint dislocate with a crack. Agony exploded in my chest; each intake of breath gave the impression as if I was inhaling burning gas.

I landed on my rump and gasped for air, and a split second later someone grabbed my collar and pulled me towards the first row of spectators.

But it was too late.

My sudden appearance had already caught both combatants' attention. The belligerent expression on Van's face immediately sobered as he recognized me, but the pools of mercury in his adversary's face heated up.

The predator's gaze at the sight of its prey.

Droplets of mercury penetrated my eyeballs. A wave of fanatical hate robbed me of my breath. Hate and… --

-- and…!

Fear.

_... Fear! _

_Why fear?_

Before I was able to puzzle out just what I was seeing, Abaddon broke out in a flurry of movements and distracted me. He whirled around and pushed his opponent to the side with his shoulder. Van was stumbling back and I tried to yell a warning, but instead of attacking his stumbling adversary, Abaddon dislodged his blade from Van's forearm and swung it through the air in a sweeping, fluid movement.

All I saw was the malicious twinkling of polished metal as the blade came flying into my direction and took aim at my heart. Someone was yelling next to me. A powerful punch against my chest caused me to fall over backwards and everything went dark.

The last thing I realized before I fell unconscious was that my chest suddenly felt hot, as if someone had dunked me into lukewarm water.

Funny, I thought and drifted away… 

…….

…….

…….

* * *

**A**s I woke up, several pairs of eyes were staring down at me. I found a set of garnet irises amongst them and sighed in relief. He was still alive.

"Van, " I croaked and was rewarded with a wobbly smile. Although dark shadows were unde rhis eyes and his arm and leg were heavily bandaged, I could tell that he was all right, albeit a bit upset about something.

"We need to talk, " he said nervously.

My gaze wandered across the other faces looming over me. Runa was wearing an anxious expression, and my heart skipped a beat at the sight of Gudrun's wrinkled, wizened features. And where was Ruhm?

Slowly I nodded.

"Yes, I guess we do, " I replied quietly, my attention returning to the bottomless stare of the senior pack leader, "I guess we do..."

_°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°_

_to be continued…_

_**+ DEDICATED TO BACHAN. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING+**_

_**+ R.I.P., AND SAY 'HI' TO DOROTHEE FOR ME +**_

_°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°_

_as y'all know, i have been moving recently. the last three months have been chaotic, so i might have missed to list one review or the other. please don't take this as an offence, and please don't assume that if i didn't reply, i didn't read it. i read every single review, sometimes several times, and each review has at some point made me very happy. i really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. next time i will be better in keeping track of reviews. pinky promise! _

_**xSilverShadowsx:** there. van-chan kicked ass. hard ;-)_

_**Shizuka-na Tenshi:** no. i won't stop the story just because my villain got killed. fortunately, this is a romance, not 'die hard XVII – Aren't You People Tired Of This Movie Yet'! 'abaddon' is just a side plot._

_**Katran: **i already explained my reasons personally, so… um…well, thanks again._

_**Strawberryz and Aja: **you never seriously assumed i would let abaddon win, did you! but then again, i like abaddon_, so _i might have…_

_**akai chou:** thanks. according to what you told me, these c2 communities are not meant for me. most of my favourite stories have a rating of AT LEAST pg-13! as for the pangs of writing a multichapter.. i know what you are talking about. this is my first multichapter, after all, and consistency is a big problem. multichapters usually contain several plots, so you should try creating a synopsis of your plotline and update/consult it on a regular basis. 'colours' has a main plot as well as several side plots, so my working sheet is actually sorted into plots, chapters and sometimes even phases of character development. if i lost it, i would be doomed! _

_**lil-saturn-goddess:** thanks again._

_**Inda:** i like abaddon. he and i have a lot in common. sure, i wouldn't kill or torture, but i do understand his motifs and why he became who he is now, because i went through a similar crisis. i guess it's just an author thing—writers have to love even their villains. oh, and about chapter six… yep, that would be a rewrite. now that i have THREE betas at my beck and call, i thought i'd invest some work ;-)_

_**Diabolic Angel:** yes, more action. i suck at action, but i need to practice, so… on we go!_

_**Kintora:** you were right, YOU didn't pester. it was me i was talking about. i found a good story, reviewed and asked for an update. shortly after i posted my review, i heard that this author lost his internet access and can only update every year or so. so this is what my review history is reminding me of every day i'm looking at it. by reminding of the tool 'review history' i only wanted to help you figuring out the problem you mentioned._

_**Hearts of Eternity: **as unexpected this twist may have been, abaddon being a part of the pack was the best solution for several problems i had._

_**animelo: **at first i really wanted a romance with nothing more to deal with than hitomi's suicide attempt. for plot reasons it was necessary to separate van and hitomi for some time. this was where the anti-royalists and the wolf tribe entered stage. what i am doing now is picking up the loose ends and somehow putting them together again, like in a roundrobin…_

_**Spirit0:** as a general rule, you can expect me to update when i have a few days of spare time because of a bank holiday . yeah, i've been wondering why van fell for hitomi instead of me (man, this is getting ridiculous. lusting after a fictional character…but then, i wouldn't want someone as complicated as van. too much of a bother.) and no, this fic ain't ending too soon. kindly have a look at what i replied to shizuka-na tenshi. _

_**Saiyan-legacy102**: corrected. thanks!_

_**crescentmoon-cat:** nobody expected that. that's why i wrote it. no, seriously, i had my reasons. look at what i replied to animelo._

_**upsidedownfrown: **i always add a few lines from time to time. unfortunately i can't control real life issues…_

_**LiL NeKo:** go ahead. feel free to jump into the story. now that ruhm has a few new guest houses, i guess he will be happy to welcome you. or else, i will be happy to have ruhm welcome you ;-)_

_**Soul Eyes:** yesssssss, i really enjoy this! i tend to lose myself in my stories as well. this is not the end, of course!_

_**animeLCgrl:** no big action writer at all! lots of blood, yes, but other than that, my abilities in the 'action' segment are not really worth a damn. my strength usually is dialogue and character development. i'm trying hard, though!_

_**Solo D. Maxwell-Yuy:** man, thanks!_

_**pure white hope (mm): **thank you! _

_**Kat Morning:** do i remember your name from the inuyasha fanfic universe? mm …! anyway, thanks for the nice review. i'm usually trying to get new chapters out as soon as possible under these screwed-up circumstances i'm living in, so…yeah… _

_**Tomo223:** there. van didn't die. anyway, i don't think 'funny' is the appropriate word to use when someone dies, and i wouldn't exactly laugh about such a thing either, even if this person is just a fictional character. but that's just my personal opinion. _

_**Deiah:** (ch.1) yes, hitomi's mother changed a lot. remember that hitomi described her as a caring and 'docile woman'. unfortunately, a person's character changes with every new experience the person is making. some experiences are so intense that their impact is such as to make the original person irrecognizable. this is what happened with hitomi's mother. (ch.2) iwakura already told me that my hitomi reminds her of the movie version. i couldn't tell, though. i never watched the movie. sadly enough, it's not available where i live. (ch. 6) van is only human and is bound to make mistakes. if you read until the end of the chapter you would notice that he deeply regrets the way things happened. be patient with him, it'll all come off fine. i love happy endings. _

_**eOcLiN:** thank you for the fav. i often find myself doubting my stories, like any other author probably does. every comment telling me that people like the way i write helps immensely. _

_**sanctus-seira:** heh, nice idea. in all honesty, i don't really know what exactly 'drama' means. according to my language teacher back in school, drama is not related to the contents of a story but is just the form in which it is presented. on the other hand, 'drama' means something suspenseful, exciting; something where people suffer and experience relief. i knew that my story would contain many elements of classic catharsis, so i chose 'drama'. i might reconsider, though ;-)._

_**update asap:** whoah! i'm always trying to write as quickly as possible, but real life issues keep kicking my ass. hard. _

_**nearinsane:** i am pretty stubborn. i won't give up easily on my stories. i might slow down, grind my teeth and fight my writer's block, but i have been looking forward to my happy ending for ages. that's why i won't stop until i get it!_

_**wh00t:** er… that would be twelve times 'yay!', wouldn't it? thank you! _

_**RaversAnthem:** ahah…too much angst…blame my muse for it. this twist has been a recent invention of mine. _

_**Luraia Soul:** yeah, he IS creepy, isn't he? even i find that he gives me the chills._

_**Xanthia Nightshade:** dun dun dun…_

_**Aya Honey: **oh, stiliani will have an important job – or maybe she already DID her job …! read and see!_

_**Nekokito:** man, the reactions i'm getting for my cliffhangers are worth it!_

_**jodie:** as you wish…_

_**evkaka:** barbie boy! kch, nice expression. what exactly are you thinking about stiliani's necklace, huh? huh!_

_**pure hope (mm):** just the fact that nobody reviews doesn't mean that they don't read and/or enjoy your story! and no, not yet finished. _

_**alesyira: **welcome back :-D !_

_**SO3fan: **oh, i love cliffhangers! love 'em!_

_**Moon-Angel-Eyes:** salutes Ma'am! Yes, Ma'am! _

_**daniela:** sorry. couldn't be avoided. real life sucks, but i'm always giving my best!_

_**Candy Dragonstar:** i really appreciate that. thank you. _

_**HopelesslyEscaflowne:** i know. the development of this fic surprised me as well. my original intention was to write a soppy lovey-dovey romance story, because i love cheerful fics. unfortunately, everything i write has a tendency to become underlined with tragedy and/or drama, even my revenge fic and my lemons do. maybe it has something to do with the way i develop my characters. i am getting inspired by watching people closely and observing the way they act and react in real life. i use these experiences to make my characters as authentic as possible. almost all people have at least one dark trait, so i guess my characters have to have some as well. _

_**Rui:** i'm happy you gave it a second try. my heroes always have to earn their happy ending!_

_**Café:** kch. i wish i could! good things are worth waiting for, you know._

_**Crystal Twilight:** glad you liked it. question answered? as for the packload of grammar and spelling mistakes you found, could you please be more precise and indicate at least a few of them? i usually rely on my betas to buff out typos and the likes, but they have not gone further than chapter seven so far. thank you. _

_**Dragon ng Likha:** read on and you'll know…_

_**Soxs:** as far as i know, there are a thousand ways to spell the meruru's name, but all of them result in the same pronounciation. i chose what i figured would be the the japanese way of spelling, but feel free to read the name as you came to know it. _

_**Cait:** sorry. could't be avoided. see the extensive a/n for reasons. _

_**Autumn Dragon:** thank you. _

_**AyR:** it's not a question of putting my mind to it; it's more like real life kicking me into the butt. then again, i returned like phoenix from the ashes..i always do, somehow._

_**Deus Ex Machina:** cool pen name. feel free to pop up anytime again. _

_**cool chick rae:** that's the spirit! whoot!_

_**My10315:** meh. you review nearly is a work of art. thank you, lass, it helped getting me to write the last friggin' part of this chapter that i've been trying to avoid for days. _

_meh. tired. can't believe i've finally finished this! never mind the typos. i have to upload this now or i'll never screw up the courage to post this chapter.  
_


	14. Dawn

_Hi everybody! Have fun with Akari's Debating Club, 'Colours', part 14. _

_I realized that I'm continually needing more time for writing. Why? Well, I found out that having a few uninterrupted hours in a row works best for me, and those are particularly difficult to find nowadays. Now that Christmas is over, I have hopes of getting a weekend every now and then, but then again, when has my life ever been predictable? Plus, (and I don't like admitting it!) I still am a non-native English speaker; having to check my dictionary/thesaurus every once in a while slows down my progress considerably. _

_I want to provide those who follow my story with the very best I can give. This process of writing, checking and cross-checking (and still without beta reader) takes up a lot of time, but I won't post any chapter unless I am satisfied and absolutely convinced that contents and form meet my standards. I take writing very seriously and don't want to publish anything that I can't be proud of. _

_Please understand that. I will always do my best and I will always work as quickly as I manage, but on the other hand I refuse to update just for the sake of updating. You won't get anything that I think is rubbish, no matter how long it takes me. Be patient, and in return you will get chapters worth the wait until this story is finished. Agreed? _

_Right._

_This time there were two pieces of really juicy and good fanfiction that got me into a fluffy mood. Although both were beautifully written, they were playing in a universe I don't have a clue about. Yes, I don't know shit about 'Rurouni Kenshin', but once I started reading the first story there was no stopping me. How weird is that?_

_I can behave in such a wayward way sometimes. Anyway, I doubt that the respective authors are reading this, but thanks a bunch to Adamant Eve aka anna-neko and Aino-Kaachan. You made my day. I even consider reading this blasted manga now that you introduced me to this series, so I conned my sister into checking out whether someones sells 'Kenshin' on ebay... _

_If any of you stumbles over one of these authors, give them a try. You won't regret it. _

_Anyway, back to work. There is a lot of talking in this chapter, so no warning this time, but a disclaimer: _

_**I don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this story except for Runa, Gudrun and Abaddon; they belong to Kawamori-sensei and Co. The plot is my creation; don't plagiarize or I'll be after your soul. If you find any language mistakes, please tell me and I'll be glad to correct them.**_

_As usual, on with the show! Cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 14

**Dawn**

_

* * *

_

_**A**s I woke up, several pairs of eyes were staring down at me. I found a set of garnet irises among them and sighed in relief. He was still alive. _

"_Van, " I croaked and was rewarded with a wobbly smile. Although dark shadows were under his eyes and his arm and leg were heavily bandaged, I could tell that he was all right, albeit a bit upset about something._

"_We need to talk, " he said nervously. _

_My gaze wandered across the other faces looming over me. Runa was wearing an anxious expression, and my heart skipped a beat at the sight of Gudrun's wrinkled, wizened features. And where was Ruhm?_

_Slowly I nodded. _

"_Yes, I guess we do, " I replied quietly, my attention returning to the bottomless stare of the senior pack leader, "I guess we do..."_

* * *

**I** didn't avert my eyes as the old woman started to speak, giving out orders with vigorous efficiency. In times like these the aura of authority that surrounded her was almost palpable and drew attention to her like a magnet.

"Daughter, " she looked at Runa, "an outrage like this is bound to create rumours. We need to prevent that from happening." Runa nodded tersely and, obviously knowing what was expected of her, strode away briskly.

Her footsteps had not muted before Gudrun turned around, pointing at someone out of my range of sight. I moved my head and spotted several youngsters loitering about, clearly eavesdropping.

"You, you and you, " she ordered, "make yourselves useful. One of you is going to straighten up King Van's and Lady Hitomi's guest house and light a new fire while I am talking to them. They deserve to find a warm home when they return after a hard day."

She smirked grimly at the now sullen faces of the kids and added, "The rest of you will prepare this place for purification. I am going to perform the ceremony at dusk. Make sure to sprinkle the ground with fresh sand, you know where to find it. Digging tools are in the shed, and you better make sure that the grave is deep enough. Shoo!"

The display of Gudrun lecturing a flock of teenagers was entertaining. If laughing didn't hurt so much, I would have sniggered about the way the youngsters skittered into all directions, desperately attempting to bring as much distance between themselves and the domineering old hag as possible. I was so torn between the mad urge to laugh and the throbbing pain in my chest that a peculiar word the old wolf-woman had used nearly slipped my already worn-off attention.

Nearly.

I caught it nontheless, and the kids were forgotten.

"Grave? Whose grave?" I blurted out and sat up abruptly.

Or at least I tried to. Searing heat shot through my trunk and all air squealed out of me. My stomach muscles promptly refusing to work properly, I slumped back to the hard ground with an undignified whimper.

A dark silhouette immediately shadowed my prone figure. I spotted the metallic sheen of wiry hair and smiled weakly, but Van was shaking his head, tsking at my blatant display of thoughtlessness. His hands gently wrapped around my back and lifted me so that I was sitting up.

"You should not take your injury lightly, " he admonished, kind voice softening the impact of his reprimanding words, "we relocated your joint, but you will have to keep the arm completely still for some time. Try not to move too much."

Still out of air, I curled my fingers around a handful of his tunic and tugged to gain his attention. Neither of them had acknowledged my question, but I needed an answer. I needed reassurance. I needed to hear who had died. I needed to know whether it was HIM, whose name I didn't even want to think of.

Van didn't look at me, though, albeit a steely glint in his eyes gave evidence that he had caught my signal. Stubbornly he avoided looking at me and, instead, wrapped one arm around my waist, hooked the other under my knees and lifted me up. The throbbing in my shoulder increased and took away my ability to breathe regularly.

"Since I do not want her to walk on her own, I am going to carry her to your hut, pack-mother" he announced stiffly, "is there anything else you wish me to do?"

Before I was able to hit him in exasperation, Gudrun pinioned him with a single glance. Van froze and I suddenly had the fleeting mental image of a mother berating her little son who had accidentally smashed her favourite trinket. The respectable king of Fanelia wrinkled his nose and averted his gaze defiantly. Being so physically close to him, however, I didn't miss the slight trembling of a muscle in his chin. To say that he was upset and tense would be an understatement.

"Show her," the gravelly voice of the senior pack leader washed across my senses, "she is bound to find out anyway, and she deserves to learn what happened from you. She needs certainty and so do you, son."

The twitch in his chin was worse than before. He was going to obey, but it became as clear as day that he didn't approve of her command. His mouth formed a thin line and without a word Van jerked his head in reaction, pivoted on his heel, carried me a few steps and turned around. All thoughts about Gudrun's enigmatic words ceased at the sight that greeted me.

**C**louds of dust were still hovering over the deserted battlefield, making it hard to recognize the crumpled figure lying in the middle of the clearing.

He was ghostly white, even more so than he had been when he was still amongst the living. His pallor appeared to be even more distinctive in contrast to the deep red colour of the pool of blood he was lying in. His teint was translucent, almost pearly, having lost the last bit of vibrancy that the flow of blood in a human's veins can impart to his skin. Grey lips were twisted in an eternal snarl, revealing ivory-coloured teeth, and I had the impression that the wide cut in his throat with its upturned corners was grinning at me.

He was unmistakeably dead, with dull, lifeless eyes squinting at the canopy of leaves that hid this desecrated sanctuary from the rest of the world. He was dead.

Dead.

Abaddon was no more.

A skaky breath left my lungs.

The realization was made, but my mind didn't process it immediately.

In fact, it wasn't going to do so for a long time. The majority of my stay on Gaia had been spent worrying about this man and the ways he could make my life even more miserable than he already had. Many moments had been wasted thinking about his possible next move; constant, nerve-fraying tension had spoilt many precious moments of repose. In the way a person can get accustomed to a scar or a lost limb, I had gotten used to the idea of Abaddon's shadow lurking over us, holding the whole population of Fanila hostage. I have been living with the kind of apprehension one felt when walking across a frozen pond whose ice might break any time.

Even now that I knew he was dead, the sensation of his lingering presence, of the impending danger it implied wasn't going to be switched off easily.

How long was it going to take to weed out familiar habits and well-practiced measures of precaution? For how much longer was I going to take his existence for granted? How often was I going to look behind me or hesitate before turning around a corner, expecting him to stand before me, piercing my gaze with mercury-coloured irises?

Abaddon was gone.

Right now it was only a tiny flutter of relief that surged in my chest.

"He's gone," I whispered, "he's really gone, isn't he? Thank God he's gone!"

Next to me, Van twitched in surprise. His wide eyes were filled with the ever-present mixture of guilt and confusion. He didn't need to spell the question that bugged him; I already knew.

_How can you say that as if it were a good thing?_

**F**or a few moments I could only stare at him disbelievingly, but my mind was already working with full capacity. The parts of the puzzle clicked into place.

Idon't think he ever assessed the outcome of this fight as anything else than plain murder. The realization that something positive was coming out of it, that people profited from the agitator's death, was strange to him. His world was always black and white. No matter how many people he'd just saved by killing a single person, no matter how much grief Abaddon had brought into his life, Van still felt guilty about his arch-enemy's demise.

Once again his dilemma caught him in a vicious circle. Van Fanel had gone a long way from the soft-hearted, but badly tempered young boy to the warrior prince that he was now.

A famous European philosopher once claimed that time didn't change people's disposition; it only unfolded what was already there. In Van's case this surmise had become tragically true.

A delicate conscience, eagerness to help, the hidden aggressiveness of a caged beast and insurmountable fighting skills, what a deadly combination they were! He was doomed to fight every time he was threatened, he was doomed to win each of these battles and he was doomed to feel every victory as if it were defeat. If someone didn't stop him on his path to self-destruction, his own conscience was one day going to be his downfall.

But how? It was hopeless to try and shield him from attacks or threats, as it was impossible to calm down his conscience. His moral sense was his greatest strength as a fair and generous leader of his people.

However, it would be possible to tone down the effects each assault had on him by giving him exactly the thing he'd missed most in his young life.

Love.

Love would be able to tame the savageness within him that had been born of loss and a harsh fight for survival. A home and a family would be able to cocoon him with a sense of security that was going to soften his – often snappish – temper.

He needed to learn how to laugh, to enjoy and relax; things that were out of bound if he continued to carry the burden of sovereignty alone. He needed someone to protect him so that he could be vulnerable for once.

He needed me, or at least he needed an adult, responsible version of me to keep him safe and sane. THAT was who I had to become if I intended to keep my promise to him.

All my attempts to help him so far have been going into the wrong direction. Committing suicide was idiotic, trying to sacrifice myself was wrong, giving him up to some other girl wouldn't do.

He needed my unconditional love and support, he needed me not on the sidelines but in smack centre of his life as his lover, his wife and companion, his refuge, his reassurance and panic room.

I had to _live_ for him.

It was going to be a difficult task, but I resolved to tackle it head on. Marry him, give him children, make him happy, that's what I needed to do – not necessarily in this order, but still…

My stomach nerves tickled in a flurry of giddiness- just like the proverbial butterflies in cheesy romance novels –

_Hang on ---_

_I'm not blushing, am I?_

_Oh… Gods!_

-

--

---

**T**he sensation of fingers curling uncomfortably into the flesh of my thigh abruptly brought me back to reality. One look at his face quelled the wave of embarassment immediately. There was still a lot to be accomplished before I would able to harvest the results of my efforts. He wore an expression torn between defiance, self-consciousness and confusion.

"I _killed _him," he said, stressing the middle word, looking for all the world as if I'd blown his punch line.

He looked so baffled that it was easy for me to turn up the corners of my mouth. My smile was true and wide; pride and affection warring for predominance.

"Yes, you did," I assured him, "and I couldn't be more proud of you. You saved us all, including myself. Thank you, love."

His mouth was still gaping from shock as I closed my lips over his and kissed him lightly and as reassuringly as I could make it while still feeling skittish and wobbly from the fight.

I only stopped as I could feel his shoulders sag under the gentle pressure of my palms. An inaudible sigh brushed the seam of my lips and gave proof that the momentary crisis was over. Almost reluctantly he pulled away, with an almost imperceptible nod he accepted my thanks and with an equally invisible press of his fingertips against my leg he acknowledged the underlying meaning of my words.

_I love you. After all that happened, I still love you and I always will. _

Van's countenance was much calmer as he turned away from the gathering place and, with even steps, steered towards the outskirts of the village where Gudrun's hut lay. I relaxed in his arms and cast a quick glance over his shoulder at the old wolf-woman who was standing next to the mortal remains of her adopted son turned evil. To my surprise she was looking pointedly at me, and the approving gleam in her ageless eyes knocked my world off-kilter.

_Well done._

It took me a few seconds to grasp what she meant to say. When I did, the short moment of perfect understanding created a warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach that didn't subside for the next minutes and, despite the presence of death and decay, painted a dopey smile on my face.

I was finally on my way.

* * *

**T**he door flap closed behind Van with a soft thud and blanketed us with impermeable nothingness. A mixture of strange scents lay heavy on my senses and the small fire that dwindled in Gudrun's dingy little hut only managed to cast a small sphere of orange light onto the floor, thus making the surrounding shadows appear more intimidating and almost tangible.

I gasped as a faint rustle indicated that we were not alone.

Sure, there has always been something residual, something incorporeal, lurking in the corners of senior pack leader's hut. It could have been her aura, the ancient spirits of long-gone predecessors-in-office or else my vivid imagination, but ever since I crossed the threshold to her home for the first time, I had found myself unable to suppress the notion of being watched even when she wasn't training her glance directly at me.

This time, however, there was no mistaking the pair of ocher-coloured, slightly luminescent eyes that was peering up at the intruders. The sight of a haggard-looking face, barely recognizable when compared to the vibrant and serene countenance that I knew, made my intestines freeze with shock.

'Hello, brother, " Van's voice rumbled deep in his chest, "are you feeling better?'

Ruhm nodded once in recognition. He was lying on a heap of furs close to the fire and for someone who, in my eyes, had always incorporated the epitome of health and strength, he looked terrifyingly defeated. One of his shoulders was wrapped up with thick bandages; the pallor of his skin and the dullness of his irises spoke volumes of bloodloss, physical and mental strain.

**A** wave of self-consciousness threatened to engulf me. I knew fully well whom I owed my life. Abaddon's aim had been true; the knife he'd thrown at me should have pierced my heart and would have done so, had not someone jumped into its path and taken the brunt of the attack. Someone who risked his life to save a woman who had scorned him in front of his tribe. Someone who possessed such a strong sense of justice and responsibility that it outruled any feeling of resentment. Someone whose loyalty was boundless and beyond doubt.

Someone who was now lying before me, grievously wounded. My face was burning with shame.

With a few steps Van was at his pack-brother's side and carefully lowered me to the floor. He leaned over to retrieve an empty bowl that stood next to the older man's pillow. A pungent smell filled the room as he filled a dark liquid that was simmering on the fireplace into the vessel. With a careful movement he placed the bowl at Ruhm's side, got up and turned towards me.

"If you do not mind, " he quietly said, "I will leave now. Gudrun will no doubt want to speak with you alone."

"Wait," I protested and grabbed for his wrist, "don't you want to know what happened as well?"

This was not the only reason I tried to make him stay, of course. Gudrun was a most intimidating person even under normal circumstances, but these last events had been anything but. Even though Runa told me that challenge duels were common law among the tribe members, I was quite sure that they did not occur too often, and I was positive that nobody ever tried to interfere like I had done. By barging in on Van's and Abbadon's fight I had literally blown a sacred ritual.

I was uncertain of the way in which Gudrun was going to handle this exceptional situation. I was fearing reproaches or retribution, especially with regard to Ruhm's injury. Plus, being questioned by the senior pack leader was draining.

In short, I was afraid of facing Gudrun alone and needed Van's presence. A pathetic fit of cowardice in the face of friends had gripped me and triggered an embarassing attempt at 'lost puppy eyes'.

To my chagrin, he didn't catch the bait.

"You can tell me when you will be back in the hut. I will be waiting for you," he smiled and gently teased my fingers loose. A few moments later he was out of the room and closed the door flap behind him, leaving me staring after him in a rather forlorn mood.

Before I was able to indulge in the feeling of trepidation that Gudrun's near arrival threw me into, the rustle of blankets caused me to turn around. Ruhm was holding the bowl in his large hands; his eyes, however, were still fixed to the spot where his younger pack-brother had left and bore a soft, nearly wistful expression. I flinched as his gaze abruptly trailed to my face and hardened.

"Are you hurt, Seeress?"

Despite the roiling pain in my shoulder I knelt down next to him, reached for his paw and threaded my fingers through his.

"Forgive me," I mumbled with a subdued voice, "You shouldn't have been hurt on my behalf."

"There is nothing to be sorry for, Seeress, " he answered soberly, "not on your part and not on mine. Our duty is to shield our pack-leader from damage, and that is what we both attempted to do."

It took me a few moments to grasp the hidden meaning of his words. Once I did, his blunt honesty was difficult to swallow.

It made perfect sense that he should have tried to save my life for Van. Indeed, Ruhm was nothing if not loyal, so if he thought that my existence was vital for Van's happiness, he was sure to go out of his way to save me. Scenes from my last visit to this village played in my head in which subtle hints on one side and blatantly obvious suggestions on the other gave proof that the wolf-people had already known what Van and I had figured out only recently: That we belonged together.

However, I needed a few seconds to come to the conclusion that I didn't feel miffed by Ruhm's admission that, by trying to rescue me, he'd merely seeked to do Van a favour.

Strangely enough, I was even feeling better. I didn't want to be indebted to someone whom I still considered to be a stranger, at least not for something as huge as saving my life. Those kinds of things were better dealt with between very closely related persons; and Van and Ruhm were nothing if not family. Despite the fact that it was hard to concede as much, the bigger part of my self-consciousness slowly faded away.

I too a deep breather and shelved my pride, nodded stiffly and squeezed the wolf-man's paw once more before I let go. I appreciated his devotion to Van and respected, even estimated him as a person; in my view that was a good base to gradually become friends...

"Thank you," I said and watched him close his eyes.

"You are welcome, Seeress."

With an unreadable expression in his face he leaned back, rose the bowl to his lips and drained the heinously-smelling medicine in one gulp. It must have contained a sleeping draught, because he fell asleep shortly after, leaving me pondering in silence and waiting for the senior pack-leader's appearance with a feeling of anticipation that just now had lowered for a tiny bit.

Still, once she entered her hut, I was going to be in for a rough hour.

* * *

**I **felt spent and exhausted as I left Gudrun's hut, crossed the gathering place and stumbled into the entrance of Van's and my little hut. A soft, orange sheen was oozing out of the hearth onto the packed dirt that covered the walls. Warmth surrounded me and started to unfreeze my limbs; my sleeveless camisole was nowhere warm enough to protect the frail human body against the now rapidly falling temperatures of the Fanelian autumn.

A silent curse escaped me as I nearly stumbled over a pair of boots that had been placed neatly at the door flap, indicating that one of the inhabitants of this dwelling was in. If I'd strained my ears, I could have heard faint rustling as he rummaged around in the den, but the sensation of his aura wrapping around me made it unnecessary to resort to my tactile senses. For this ability alone I owed Gudrun a debt I could never repay.

"I'm back", I announced, barely able to hide the relief in my voice, and immediately received a serene "Welcome", in reply.

Clumsily I slid into the cozy underground cave – and grinned. However unwilling Gudrun's youngsters might have been to follow her orders, I had to admit that they had done a splendid job. The once tangled-up fur blankets were folded and stacked in a corner, the floor was clean and the sweet smell of freshly-mown grass was hanging in the air, whereas the heady scent of our lovemaking had completely disappeared.

Van was sitting cross-legged near the fireplace and, by the sight of it, was attempting to mend the tunic that had been damaged in the fight. It was a futile endeavour, because Abaddon's dagger had torn the garment into many shreds; there was only so much that a coarsely woven piece of cloth could take. I didn't pride myself in having excellent domestic skills – not as much as Stiliani, I thought sourly, who would probably not only have been able to repair the item, but might also have turned it into a gala robe -, but even I could see that he was fighting a losing battle.

At my entrance, however, he lowered the needle with an exasperated sigh and muttered something unintelligible. With a smile I shook my head and pried the heap of tatters from his slackening fingers.

"A man should know when it is time to give up, Van, " I teased him and added with a speculative glance, "I like you better when you're shirtless, anyway."

The sight of the heavily blushing and spluttering young king lifted my spirits at once. As grave and slightly pompous as he sometimes acted, he was the ideal target for poking fun at. His childhood experiences had never given him many opportunities to fool around, so I had to make him catch up on twenty-one years' worth of laughing. And man, did I love doing it!

"Stop being foolish, Hitomi, " he complained as I crawled into his arms. I was barely able to suppress the triumphant smirk that twisted the corners of my mouth. If I took into account that a few months earlier he would have jumped back and shoved me away, his reaction was almost encouraging. Apparently he had learned to live with the quirks and peculiarities of the girl from the Mystic Moon, just as much as I had learned to live with his.

"**A**re you going to tell me what Gudrun and you have found out?" he finally asked with a resigned voice.

I made myself perfectly comfortable in his embrace before I answered. My shoulder was still acting up, so I took care not to put too much strain on my injured side and carefully leaned back.

"She reckons I have somehow gotten into Abaddon's mind, " I then replied and felt his frown rather than seeing it.

"You know that I can manipulate people's life energy, " I continued my explanation, "It's all a mind game. If someone is convinced that he is going to survive, he will, because the healing process depends on a person's will to live. I must have done a similar thing to Abaddon while I was imagining talking to him in my vision. Whatever I was telling him, he must have felt it as well."

"And what exactly did you tell him?"

I grimaced and muttered unconvincingly, "I told him what an asshole he was."

"Hitomi, " Van sternly said and I pulled myself together.

"All right, I pitied him. I knew how he was feeling, because I've been going through a similar type of hell. Having to watch your life go to pieces and knowing that you can't do a single thing isn't nice. It's like falling and knowing that nobody is going to give you a hand and catch you."

"That makes sense," Van replied soberly, "Being helpless was something Abaddon loathed above all. He needed to be in control of everything and everybody else; that and his hatred were the only truth he knew." He pondered for a moment and went on, "You must have reminded him of his dependency. He started to doubt, lost his stability and collapsed. In a way, he fell victim to his very own technique."

I wrinkled my eybrows. "Yes, but why did he try to kill _me_? It was you he was after, wasn't he?"

"That's what I have been trying to tell you yesterday. He wanted to unbalance me. From all that he has attempted to do so far it is clear that he knew perfectly well that I – that you – that you are –"

He fumbled with his words and big hairy caterpillars started wriggling in my tummy again. Now that my emotions were no longer tinged with uncertainty, it was a delicious sensation.

"Well, you keep me stable, so in a way, you are my truth.If something had happened to you, there is no way of telling how I would have reacted. I might have killed him. I might have got myself killed. I might even have endangered other people, like I already did."

His voice faded and I knew that the faces of several young warriors circled in his mind. The deaths of Miguel, Gati and all the others whose names we didn't even know lay heavy on his conscience.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I patted his hand that was lying limply on my stomach and attempted a lighter tone.

"I suppose that means that I will have to keep a closer eye on you. You will need to give me an audience every single day to make sure that I can watch you steps. You're going to see my face constantly."

As he snorted, the gush of warm air brushed my neck and elicited a delightful shiver.

"I guess I could get used to that," he murmured and pulled me closer.

**A **few very comfortable minutes passed. I basked in his warmth and in the companionable silence that surrounded us. Still, it didn't escape me that a small part of my conscience was staying alert, keeping vigil in case a sudden danger required immediate action. I almost expected to see an ashen-haired and quicksilver-eyed apparition poking its head around the corner, smirking.

The lingering memory of Abaddon still caused a little instance of uncertainty that we both needed to get rid of, but it was a fight we were sure to win. It felt good knowing that all that remained from a once deadly enemy was a little soreness that was going to disappear sooner or later. Right now my mind was still struggling with the concept, but an Abaddon-free life was a prospect I was looking forward to.

I sighed as I felt my muscles growing limp. This was not the first time that I was able to lie back and relax on Gaia, but only this time it was the lead-heavy repose of someone having successfully accomplished a difficult task. I suppose it was true that a prize was much more valuable if it had cost a good deal of hard toil to win it.

Who knew how many obstacles life was still going to throw into our way, how many unpleasant surprises were going to come up? Abaddon's appearance had been completely unexpected – but then again, it should not have come as unexpectedly as it did. Van had witnessed his father's ward on his way to madness, but never bothered checking what had become of him – an understandable fault, but a fault that had turned out to be potentially deadly.

If Van didn't want a long forgotten conflict to jump at him in the most inconvenient moment, possibly blowing up his whole life in the process, he must never leave any major disagreement open like that again. Conflicts, quarrels or open hostility couldn't be avoided, but it was vital to know where one was standing with respect to other people.

Abaddon's was a case in which failure to act obviously created more damage than any measure of action might have caused. Of all varieties of human interaction, negligence was most dangerous. It left many questions unanswered and opened the door to many misinterpretations. If I had learned anything from this episode of my life, it was the fact that having found some form of closure was invaluable.

Hadn't I learned as much back on Earth? Hadn't the fact that neither my mother nor my once best friend appeared to give a damn about me hurt me most? Wasn't the uncertainty still eating at my heart? Had I bothered to ask what Yukari's reasons for moving to the United States had really been? Had I tried to understand Mother's feelings?

The answer was no. I'd left Earth before I was able to do anything, and in all honesty, even if I'd stayed, I wouldn't have stirred from my comfortable sulking corner. I'd been wrapped up in self-pity and false pride too much to actually care how others might feel.

But repentance wasn't going to help. What was I going to do now? In a few weeks's time I was going to have recovered from my injuries. Would I be strong enough to face my own demons, just as Van had faced his? Would I be able to find a way to solve my past problems, would I even be able to return to Earth, if need be?

What was more important, should I drag Van into this and burden him with another sorrow, or should I leave him out of my dilemma? If so, who was I going to make my confidant? It suddenly occurred to me that I didn't have any real friends on Gaia. Who was going to be able to assist me?

"**Y**ou are getting all tense, Hitomi, " Van's worried voice interrupted my musings. I flinched guiltily.

"Is anything wrong?"

"No," I mumbled, frowning, disliking the idea of lying to him and finally corrected, "yes. There is, but I can't tell you right now. This is something I will have to think over for some time."

"Can't you tell me?" He sounded slightly hurt and my resolve to keep him out of it wilted away. If I wanted him to share his life with me, it was only fair to share mine with him in return. Keeping secrets from one's love was definitely not a way to build a stable, trustful relationship.

On the other hand, he was still a gravely injured man. Although his wounds had almost all started closing, they were going to need at least several months to completely heal off. His duties as king were not going to help any as soon as he returned to Fanelia City. He deserved at least a few days of rest before I added to the shitload of problems that life had already packed onto his plate, didn't he?

I decided to stave off the inevitable for at least a little while.

"I will, but let's just not talk about this tonight, okay? Can't we take a few days off before we resume saving the world?"

He hesitated, but a resigned sigh told me that he was already yielding to my request.

"All right. If you promise me that you won't brood over whatever that is alone, I will let you drop the subject for now." I felt his eyes on me as he very quietly added, " I trust you, Hitomi."

Sensing the double meaning of his words I twisted in his arms to look him into the eyes.

"I promise to come to you as soon as I sorted things out." I assured him honestly, hoping he was going to belive me. This was the first test of the new trust he'd built in me, a trust that I once destroyed by trying to kill myself. We stared at each other for a few seconds before the uncertain flicker in his irises died away.

Suppressing a breath of relief I attempted to change the tone of our conversation that had somehow become much more serious than I would have liked. This time it was my turn to distract us.

"By the way, are we going to stay here for a while? You could do with some rest, and I wouldn't mind having you all for myself for a couple more days. I know that you will bury yourself in work as soon as you set foot into your palace, and then I'll have to make do with a few glimpses now and then…"

A light-hearted laugh rumbled in his chest. I liked the sound; it sounded much more carefree and happy than anything I've heard from him in ages.

"Remember that I left in a hurry, " he replied, lifting one of his his heavy brows, "if we hesitate much longer, the whole state is going to be in disarray." A slightly petulant pout on my side, however, prompted the answer I've been waiting for, "We can stay for a few days, though... but I will be glad to have you back home safely as soon as possible."

A lump formed in my throat as he so casually described a concept that had become familiar with me in the last months without my noticing. Home. Fearing that I might not be able to hold back the tears if I spoke, I merely nodded, cuddled against his chest and closed my eyes against the stinging behind my lids.

My voice was barely audible as I whispered "Deal."

* * *

_to be continued..._

* * *

_Since ffnet won't tolerate review responses anymore, I lost my only possibility to directly respond to your comments or questions. As inconvenient as that may be, I'll still try to make best use of what possibilities I have left. If I think the response to a question or a comment might be interesting for everybody else, I'll put it into my A/N. In other cases in which a review reqires a direct answer I will use the 'reply-to-this-review'-tool or get back to you via E-Mail. I enjoy talking to you guys and getting feedback, so please don't hesitate to contact me directly if you have anything to say. Since many questions have been asked about the construction of this story, I'm also thinking of writing a tutorial. Would any of you be interested in reading such a thing? If so, drop me a line and I'll try to set something up once I wrote the last chapter. _

_Thank you!_

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	15. Draught

_Hi everybody! _

_This chapter was a blast to write. It comprises two things that I love doing: Writing dialogue and psychoanalysis. I also tried new stylistic devices to replace my inner monologue. And guess what? It worked! Haaaaah!_

_There's still a lot of rambling going on in this story, but now it is more balanced. Now I'm toying with the idea of a fic based on several stylistic forms at once. One of my plunnies seems to be especially suitable, but I'll still have to figure out a lot of things. From all my current concepts it's the one that is least developed as of now. _

_The outline of the tutorial already exists. I've been looking for a place to post such a thing, but many open forums for articles like that seem to be temporarily down. I can't set up my own web page (no programming background), so I'll most probably use a yahoo-group and hope that you guys will be willing to sign up for it. Ot does anybody have a feasible idea?Do you know a site that will host a tutorial? _

_**I don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this chapter except for Ilya and Yone; they belong to Kawamori-sensei and Co. Ilya's arguments aren't mine as well, I borrowed them from several well-known, but unnames terrorist groups. The plot is my creation; don't plagiarize or I'll be after your soul. If you find any language mistakes, please tell me and I'll be glad to correct them.**_

_As usual, on with the show! Cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 15

**Draught**

by akari

_

* * *

_

**T**he room was warm and well-lit; the shine of the dim winter sun was filtering through broad windowpanes. I was shivering nontheless. The sound of a crisp voice rung though the thick silence.

"Name and profession?"

"My name is Ilya, I am --- I was scribe in Fanelia City."

I didn't miss the slight lapse. It was unexpected in a young man with such a determined expression and bright, clear eyes. He looked intelligent and cheerful; none of the spectators, including myself, had difficulties mentally placing him behind the desk of a sunlit office. Polite, considerate and diligent, he never faltered and said something he didn't mean to say. Clean, well-groomed fingers without visible blisters or callouses curled gracefully on the table; the idea of him crawling through mud, clutching a weapon, mixing explosives, living in dark, damp caves and killing humans was ludicrous.

And yet, this was what he had been doing for the better part of two years.

Because he was – because he IS – a terrorist. Second-in-command of the Anti-Royalist movement, to be precise. He would have been Abaddon's vice-general if Abaddon had been in the habit of entrusting any of his followers with real responsibility.

He was a monster. A man who organized and led one of the particularly nasty assaults on one of Van's advisors, killing the man in the business and slaughtering his wife and young ones as not to leave any witnesses.

A man who had tried to restore order amongst the terrorists after their respective leader's sudden death. A man who had been sold out by one of his envious rivals, caught surprisingly unspectacularly and taken into custody.

A man who was now sitting in front of his king, his prosecutor and his judges, perfectly calm, perfectly composed, and who was now drawing a portait of the most gruesome atrocities with a most serene voice.

"**D**id you plot and execute an assault on a tavern in town frequented by members of the Royal Guard, in which seven guard members were killed and twenty-one injured?"

"I did."

"Did your unit, on your command, kidnap and torture the wife of the leader of the Fanelian Police in order to get her husband to resign his office?"

"They did."

"Did your unit assassinate a member of the Royal Coucil, his family members and four servants last color?"

"We did."

"Did you…?"

I did --

I did --

I did --

The rhythm of questions and answers quickly became hypnotical. The list went on and on, but a wave of nausea drowned the words under white noise. My neighbours started muttering quietly under their breath; the whole courthouse was packed with people and the buzz of their voices and their endless fidgeting created an almost entrancing restlessness. My nerves were singing with tension.

Van had warned me not to attend this hearing, but, stubborn to the least, I had insisted. I wanted to be part of those who witnessed the downfall of the Anti-Royalists. I wanted to watch them being crushed in the mills of Justice. I wanted to stand upright and show them that I survived their cunning and lived, happily and unpertubed. I wanted to hold my courage up against their faces.

But even in their defeat they defied me. The amounts of cold-heartedness and brutality displayed in this room weakened my initial resolve, and only spite in the face of Abaddon's followers kept me glued to my place. Their cold logic was comprehensible, abeit twisted and sickening, and forbade me to pass them off as bloodthirsty fools.

"Did you, three years ago, join the anti-royalist terrorists despite of their leader's widely known purpose to destabilize Fanelia and her legitimate government?"

"I did, for the best of Fanelia's people."

"For the best of the Fanelian people," the prosecutor repeated ironically and lifted one eyebrow, "but at the same time against the will and obvious resistance of the Fanelian population."

To my astonishment the young man's lips curled into a slightly condescending smile.

"We heard of these rumours. They have undoubtedly been spread by the king and his leading clique in order to intimidate those who wished to join our movement. There has not been any resistance."

The prosecutor shook his head and cleared his voice.

"It says here, " he quoted one of his papers, "that a group of approximately fifteen citizens protested against the abduction of the Police constable. It also reads that several of these men were bludgeoned to unconsciousness by your group members. I wouldn't call that 'no resistance'."

"So-called 'official reports' hold no credibility, considering who created them" the accused replied cooly and repeated, "there was no resistance. No resistance at all. We were executing the peoples' will."

The peoples' will. Anger was surging inside me. Nobody, NOBODY had the right to presume what I was wishing for, especially if that someone acted so decidedly against every principle that I upheld as good and right. Was I not part of the Fanelian people? Had not the assassinated Coucil member been part of the population as well? What about his will?

I watched the prosecutor narrow his eyes and swallowed any interjection I might have had lying on my tongue already.

"How can you claim to have acted for their best of our citizens if the likes of you injured, tortured and killed them?" he challenged the young man.

"A process of purification must be painful," his adversary explained patiently, as if he was stating the obvious, "Justice must be painful. Fanelia has to be purged of its immanent evil and its people have to gain their freedom through suffering and penance. Only under pressure does a piece of charcoal turn into a diamond."

Another wave of excited whispers and murmurs swept through the room. The prosecutor shook his head once more; he looked furious.

"There were children amongst the victims, even a baby of two months. Women, elderly people, innocent lives!"

"There are no innocents in a sinful race, " his opponent replied, unfazed, "all upright citizens ought to have joined our war. All those who had not joined our ranks had to be counted as enemies, because anything else than complete victory would have been utter defeat."

So now he was perusing a well-known and commonplace pretence.

Endsieg.

Horrible images of uniform-clad, swastica-adorned troops marched through my brain. I shuddered and attempted to block out the droning sound of scores of booted feet, the aspect of hundreds of hands outstretched in blind greeting and the sound of a thousand war cries. What was it about dictatorship that made it so appealing to power-hungry people? Why was its idea so addicting that people tended to forget that EVERY single attempt to install and uphold a dictatorical regime had so far failed to succeed?

"**H**old it," the clear voice of Fanelia's king cut through the hubbub. I looked up quickly, but the face of my love was lying in the shadows. From his stiff posture I could easily read that he hated his position, hated presiding over this hearing, hated the mere sight of this promising young man who had turned into a living atrocity.

My heart clenched with compassion. I was free to come and leave whenever I wished, but Van was –as often – forced by his position to witness the procedure to its end and hear things that went sorely against the grain.

"Does the prosecution wish to interrogate the accused forther?" he demanded with a neutral voice. Too neutral. He turned his head slightly into the direction of the adressee without revealing his facial expression and received a very serious shake of head in return.

"No, Mylord" the prosecutor said quietly and with a lowered head, "no further questions, Mylord."

For a few seconds, ringing silence covered the courtroom. Even the boldest prattlers didn't dare raise their voice. The words of the young man had apparently stunned many of the spectators into shock.

I grudgingly thought of the fact that many people had, not openly, but silently, been attracted by the ideas and slogans of the Anti-Royalist movement. Maybe right now it was dawning on some of them in which ways Abaddon's reign could have affected their lives in a negative way.

As always, a new and exciting idea had been adopted without thinking much of the consequences.

The voice of the people was indeed the voice of a duffer!

"Hrrm-hm--" having obviously obviously regained control of the situation, the prosecutor cleared his throat once more before addressing, in a very subdued accent, the accused.

"Sir, after having interrogated you I must call your attention to the fact that I am very likely going to solicit death penalty. Your unyielding and impenitent attitude will not convince the Court to grant you any form of mercy."

"I will not give you the satisfaction of begging for mercy," the young man replied defiantly and proudly lifted his chin, "Sentence me to torture and death for all I care. Everybody will know that I died for a noble purpose. I am one of the few who remained upright and fought against a corrupt regime. I was one of those who remained faithful and for that, I will be rewarded, if not in this life, then certainly in the next."

"Whereas I," his opponent supplied ironically, "will no doubt rot in hell for all eternity. Thank you very much, sir, you have made yourself perfectly clear, " and, turning towards the High Court, he continued with a suddenly very formal voice.

"Your Majesty, Chairman, based on the evidence given and based on the confession the accused just made I apply to ---"

**E**xcited babbling, whispering and occasional exclamations rose all about and drowned his words. The woman who was sitting before me resumed nattering with her neighbour excitedly, no visible trace of uneasiness in either her posture or expression. She, like many other people, obviously merely saw the amount of entertainment that this trial offered. For her this hearing was a cock-and-bull-story come true, an object to tiltillate her curiosity, to spread wanton gossip about and to blow out of proportion. Not a single thought was wasted on the efforts and sufferings it had inflicted on their king, not a bit of gratitude was expressed for his saving them all from harm, for removing the threat Abaddon and his cronies had posed on their comfortable lives.

Van had sacrificed his peace of mind and shed his blood and all these idiots could do was chat about it as if it were all a good show.

Man, these --- these ---!

My fingers started trembling and before my rising anger was able to burst forth in a sudden and random act of violence I decided that I had had enough.

Picking my way through the rows of spectators I left the hall, quietly closed the heavy, double-winged doors behind me and leaned against them with a heavy sigh. My thoughts were racing, my mind busy dwelling on the unjustice of it all.

Such was Fanelia, the land of my dreams, the place where I had determined to live out the rest of my life! It was a mixture of insipid scandalmongers, power-hungry psychopaths, spineless opportunists, selfless heroes, clueless nonachievers, mischievous pranksters, foul-mouthed cheeks, reserved employees and irascible and lovesick young women from far away. The same mixture that I supposedly had left behind as I quitted my home country, only to find it in another country on another world in another universe.

Another sigh fled from between my lips.Was that all there was?

The awareness that Fanelia was just like any other country felt like being doused with cold water. It robbed my perfect vision of a blissful life at Van's side a lot of its charm. There always were, and there always would be, those who merely pursued their very own interests at the cost of everybody else. Same old, same old?

Not this time, though. This time everything was going to be different. Difficulties were not going to not frighten me anymore.

Not as long as I had someone who was facing them with me.

However mortifying and painful the trial had been to watch, I knew that the moment I'd lay my eyes on Van all memories about it were going to vanish. Van –

Despite my gloomy mood a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.

"**Y**ou are looking awfully smug, if I may say so," a weary voice interrupted my musings.

My grin grew so wide that it nearly split my face. I turned towards the very person my mind had been pleasantly occupied with only seconds before. His slim figure was approaching from the side, exhaustion clearly visible in the fact that his step was nowhere as energetic and purposeful as usual.

He returned my smile valiantly, but I didn't need to see that shadows under his eyes to know that he was low on energy, physically and mentally. Ever since we'd returned from our stay with Ruhm's tribe he had predictably thrown himself into his work. He was eager to restore peace, but although Abaddon's demise had been a severe blow for the Anti-Royalist movement, the attacks didn't stop immediately. Too many independent groups were still active and too many secret supporters had yet to be identified.

As soon as they were found out, Fanelian jurisdiction usually disposed of them in short order. According to the constitution, death penalty was held perfectly legitimate in cases of particularly heavy crimes, and as the Fanelian population generally was an exceptionally loyal bunch, agitation was considered an unforgivable offence.

The last few weeks had brought a wave of trials, every single one of which Van had been forced to attend. His position was that of an appelate court and he thus had to be present in every case a death penalty was likely to be imposed. The sheer weight of responsibility this brought about lay heavy on his shoulders and reflected in the haunted and empty look in his eyes.

I turned and fell into step beside him and we silently walked towards the end of the corridor. I felt helpless in the face of Van's fatigue, but right now there was nothing I could do. Pity or compassion did not really help him and I certainly was not in a position to take over his responsibilities. I couldn't even give him a consolating hug; Van would not appreciate being embraced in front of dozens of spectators who were now streaming out of the the doors to the courtroom. The last thing I wanted was to upset him further.

"You look like you could use a good rest, " I murmured and shifted closer to him, "do you care to accompany me to the kitchens to grab a bite?"

He refused with a shake of his head and smiled wanly to take away the edge of the gesture.

"I would love to go, but the Council meeting is due to begin in short time."

Misinterpreting the dejected look on my face he patted my arm awkwardly and continued, "You really do look peaky, Hitomi, tell the head cook to give you some fruit. I cannot have you fall ill."

"Don't worry about ME, " I replied curtly, "you should be concerned about yourself. With all your appointments and your nighttime archery training you haven't had a good night's sleep in ages. How about I give you a back rub tonight and you go to bed early for a change?"

"I cannot, Hitomi. I do not even know at which time I will be returning to the castle. The local cattle-dealers have gotten into a disagreement on the prices of poultry and I will have to arbitrate. A crisis would be disastrous in the current state of affairs."

"Aw, come on," I scoffed half-jokingly, "the cattle dealers ALWAYS disagree on something or other. I can't remember a time during which the cattle-dealers have not been in uproar, since the two most prominent protagonists can't stand the mere sight of each other! Your presence there won't change anything at all, so you might as well stay here."

Van's lower lip jutted out in his trademark irritation habit. Even under normal circumstances he was still too uptight to joke openly, but nowadays he didn't seem to have the least bit of patience left.

"They requested my presence and this is why I will go, Hitomi," he insisted in a warning tone.

"They only try to instrumentalize you, Van!" I pleaded, "why do you let them do this to you?"

Fiery irises flashed stubbornly and I groaned, once again having to watch his back as he stalked away. The discussion between us was all too familiar, seeing as we quarrelled like this at least twice a day. I was always trying to get Van to scale back whereas he refused point-blank to leave any of his 'duties' undone. Each discussion routinely ended with Van stomping off to his next meeting and me fretting over his health for the remainder of the day.

So far my attempts at shielding him from his self-destructive character traits had been fruitless. In the mornings he had administrative work, audiences or endless coucil meetings, in the afternoon there were royal visits to pay, social functions filled the evenings and half of the nights were spent practicing archery, fencing or doing paperwork. If he didn't stop soon, he was going to collapse and land himself on my examination table.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Fuming silently I lumbered over to the kitchens, sat down at one of the tables and gulped down a bowl of soup. I was not scheduled to be on duty this afternoon, and this was going to be the most dull afternoon of my whole life!

Bleagh. Even the soup tasted stale when he was not around!

…

"**M**a'am?"

A particularly frazzled-looking Yone peeked around the corner of the counter and trained her eyes on me, "Oh, please excuse me, Ma'am, I didn't mean to interrupt your meal!"

"Don't worry, I was just about to finish," I assured the elderly housekeeper and, smiling politely, set the empty bowl aside, "however, if you are looking for King Van, he left a couple of minutes ago, I'm afraid."

"Oh? Oh, no, it is you I was looking for, Ma'am. The placement of the guests for the upcoming festivities has not been determined and I was hoping that it might be arranged during the course of this day."

The 'festivities' were part of a very traditional Fanelian bank holiday that marked the end of the year. It was celebrated on the day of the winter-solstice and, amongst the numerous local holidays, ranked as high as any. The polytheistic Fanelian religion was mainly based on a belief in the powers of nature. Many gods were living embodiments of natural phenomena, such as Djedjija, the God of the Sea and Rivers who Van liked to refer to.

Naturally, the Fanelian king was expected to honour the occasion with a huge feast, many guests, pomp and circumstance, and this was the reason why the royal household has been in an uproar for the last few weeks.

Even I had had my share of the preparations. Training hired servants, overseeing the gardeners and discussing the decorations of the ballroom were tasks even a relative stranger like me could contribute to. However, as far as I could remember, deciding on the seating arrangement did not belong to my sphere of responsibility.

I cast the head of the royal staff a puzzled glance.

"It is certainly not my place to decide on diplomatic matters such as this, Yone. This is something the king ought to be consulted for or at least someone who is – unlike myself - qualified for questions of etiquette."

"Well," the woman lifted her eyebrows, "it was King Van who assigned this task to you, Ma'am. He was very specific on this, Ma'am," she continued almost apologetically as my face contorted into an incredulous grimace.

"And since you have been arranging the last Coucil meeting ---", Yone continued, trailing off uncharacteristically.

I gaped at her.

The Coucil meeting! Preparing it had been an opportunity to see Van, so I didn't think twice about offering to help with the preparations, including …

'_Participants should always be sitting opposite of people with equal rank in society, Hitomi--'_

'_--- and in ascending order, according to rank, right? So that will be the police commander opposite to the Lord Chancellor. Hang on, they have never sat close to each other before! Aren't they getting along?'_

'_Quite the opposite. They are getting along so well that they are likely to team up against me anytime soon if I let them. That is why I always take care to place them in such a way as to prevent them from having eye contact.'_

_My eyes went wide. 'But Van, they are the only ones having exactly the same rank. What if they feel insulted?'_

'_You could gratify their pride by placing someone of higher rank opposite of them. Or you distract them by placing a rumourmonger next to them.' _

_Van's eyes were laughing as he lifted his eyebrow at my exasperated expression, "It is all a game, Hitomi. Make sure that is it always you who has control, or you will not be able to carry your point!'_

The hem of Yone's skirt swished around the corner as I tried to remain cool in the face of the fact that, if mis-placement of important guests led Fanelia into the next war, it was going to be my fault, and mine alone.

* * *

**M**any hours later the whirling of ranks, names, political connections and 'what if's was slowing down. A quick peek through the huge windows of the Coucil room told me that the meeting would not be over anytime soon; as far as I could see, the gentlemen were heckling heatedly over a folder of construction plans. I bit back a growl and went on, shaking my head.

It was certainly going to be a long night. Again. Unsure of whether I should risk waiting up in the hopes of getting a glimpse of Van or whether I ought to go to bed immediately, I ambled on. Finally I decided that it was time for a cup of the local herbal infusion and a good long rant.

A few minutes later I was back in my room, a goblet full of scalding liquid was standing on the table before me and the steam rising from it blurred the view towards my only confidante on this world who was peering back at me from across the room.

"**I** hate his stubbornness," I told her heatedly, "And I hate worrying over him."

The woman nodded vigorously.

"I also hate cattle-dealers", I continued, encouraged by her obvious support, "I hate the Coucil members, I hate construction plans, the king of Mynar and the archery trainer. I hate all those pesky petitioners who are stealing his time with their pesky little petitions. I hate the fact that he can't say 'no'! And what I hate most is the fact that I haven't really spent quality time with him for TWO FRICKING WEEKS!"

The woman on the other side of the room stared back at me. She didn't reply, but the deep frown marring her forehead prodded my conscience.

"I know," I muttered, "I can't blame him for everything. Last time it was I who turned him down. But hey, what was I supposed to do? Half the castle was down with the flu or something or other. I am one of the healers, I can't just skive off when I want to!"

There was no answer, only reproachful silence.

"Maybe," I mused, suddenly struck by an idea, "maybe I shouldn't have taken the position as a regular staff member. It would have saved me a lot of time and worry. Then again, ever since I went away with Meruru I have learned so much. I can't let all this knowledge go to waste, I have been studying to be a healer after all! I want to work as a healer, but I also want time with Van!"

My opposite looked weary. This was not the first time that we were covering this ground and it wouldn't be the last time either. How was a discussion supposed to end in anything else than nothing as long as its reason didn't cease to exist? How could it even be a proper dicussion as long as my opposite didn't reply, let alone offer any advice?

With a heavy sigh I flopped down on my bed and so did my reflection in the huge mirror at the opposite wall. A frustrated sneer played around the corners of my mouth.

"You are pathetic, Hitomi," I hissed and watched my lips move accordingly, "you're even talking to your own image!"

Yes, I was pathetic.

Pity that they didn't have telephone on Gaia. Pity that, even if they had, I didn't know who to call and ask for advice.

**A**side from Van, was there anybody who I was particularly acquainted with? Was there anybody whom I would call a friend?

Back on Earth, back when everything was still fine, I would have called Yukari. She used to be a great listener as long as Amano was not concerned. Just talking to her about whatever irked me was liberating, because she really gave the impression that nothing in the world mattered more to her than my little trials and vexations.

Well, Yukari was out of the question. She dumped me, right?

There was Van, too, but when did he ever have time? Besides, having a lover could never replace the kinship of minds and the unreserved communication that a female friend was able to offer.

Runa? She was more a tutor than anything else. Her perfection, her wiseness, her patience and kindness intimidated me. She was _sempai_, while I was _kohai_. Inexperienced and inept, someone to care for and fuss over. Not someone to talk to on the same eye-level..

Meruru? I hesitated to call her a friend. We had a lot of issues, not the least of which was Van. Plus, she was far away with her own duties. Did she even want to be friends with me? Last time I had seen her we hugged, but she had also shown me the cold shoulder at times. She had never even given word after Van and I left her either. Argh! Why did things have to be so complicated?

My thoughts were getting nowehere with blinding speed. I forcibly reminded myself that I was an ungrateful bitch. I had a satisfying job, a lot of responsibilities. I was treated with respect. What little remained of my time, I had dedicated to a wonderful man who loved me. But –

What if I, for one, wanted friendship instead of respect? What if I wanted someone to hang out with me instead of people who curtsied in front of me, taught me to read minds, dressed me into finest silk and gossamer or treated me like the favourite toy of their best friend?

After Yukari left me, the fact remained that I still resembled more or less an abandoned puppy. I was incapable of finding new friends. I left a huge amount of problems back on Earth. I didn't have a grip on my life. I had a headache. And by the way, was it correct to place Stiliani opposite of Allen Shezar?

As always under stress, leading the same circular discussion over and over again caused my head to spin. My trained instincts butted in before I started hyperventilating, forcing my lungs to inhale calmly and evenly. The red blots on my cheeks slowly faded away and left a pale, drawn face with dark bags under bloodshot eyes. I was a monster. No wonder Van didn't want to look into my face.

"You are pathetic, ugly," I muttered and cast my traitorous likeness a venomous glare.

Something had to be done.

…

_**D**ear Meruru, _

_how are you doing? I hope your injuries are healing well. You probably are having a lot of work right now with your new responsibilities and the reconstruction of many houses of your village. I hope your people aren't giving you a hard time. _

_Man, writing you this letter is awkward. I bet you never expected me to write, did you? I never did while you were in Asturia. Of course I never did while I was back on the Moon of Illusions either. In fact, I'd love to see your face as you are reading this. _

_So why am I bothering you with this letter? Because I need to tell you some things, and I guess I just don't want to lose contact either. My last months have been hell, but they taught me that people are just too important to write them off. Maybe this insight comes a bit late, and it is okay if you don't want to reply, but I just had to prove to you – and to myself as well – that I am not a self-centered, arrogant and negligent bitch anymore. _

_I don't know if I'm making sense here. Just skip this if it doesn't. _

_You will be relieved to hear that Van won't marry Princess Stiliani. They dissolved their engagement. Fanelia won't be at war with Derval as well, because they somehow found a way to avoid complications. Now that the danger is out of the way I can admit so much as to say that Stiliani is really a good girl. She beats me in every aspect. She's far better that I will ever be and I am a filthy hypocrite. _

_Other than that, nothing much has changed. I try as hard as I can to keep Van from overtaxing himself, but my attempts are not very successful. You know how he is. He may hate many of his duties, but that doesn't keep him from fulfilling each and every single of them with verve. He's even more diligent than usual with things he doesn't like. _

_The trials are killing him, but I can't call them off, can I? In moments like that I wish you were here. You always had the uncanny ability to get him to stop working. How did you do that? Now, wait, I already know. You have been nagging him the whole day long. I doubt that I could be half as annoying as you have been._

_I know that you will stop reading here and tear this letter to pieces. This is why I will now write something I don't really want to tell anybody. I just have to get it out of my system or I will burst, so the cheapest way to rid me of it is to write it into a letter nobody will read. _

_Here it is: _

_I need to return to the Moon of Illusions. _

_I'm not planning to be gone for long, but on the other hand I will need to stay for as long as it takes me to find somebody and talk to them. I will be honest enough to concede that the idea frightens me. But it has to be done or I will never find my peace. _

_Just so you know, I will ask Van to accompany me. That's asking a lot of him, but I don't even know how to get there, not to mention the fact that I can't tell whether I will be able to return. If I end up stranded there, I want to at least have him with me. This is the most egotistical thing I ever said, but I don't even have a bad conscience, because I love him so damn much. Now condemn me if you can. _

_Now that I told you about my plans, I must ask you not to breathe a word of this to anybody. Especially those oh-so-decent wolf-people won't like the idea of me taking their king on a dangerous mission. I appeal to you as someone who is half cat. You would never sink so deep as to co-operate with canines, would you? _

_I know you. You won't like the idea either. You will be tempted to drop everything and come rushing over to talk Van out of it or even kill me. This is why I decided to ask him as soon as possible. You know how stubborn he is. If he decides to come with me, there will be nothing you can do to change his mind. If not --- well, I don't want to think about that._

_I don't even ask for forgiveness, because you brought this upon you yourself. Do you remember the day when you were injured during the revolt in the village? You told me to love him. That's exactly what I'm doing. If I take him with me because I can't bear the thought of leaving him behind, this is your fault as well. _

_Keep your fingers crossed for us. If I don't forget it, I will give word when we're back so that you can pound me into the ground then. There is no need to fret, because we will be fine. _

_Say 'hi' to everybody from me. _

_Love, Hitomi_

**W**ith a flourish I laid down my quill and carefully shoved the sheets to the side for the ink to dry. Writing the letter had been very satisfying, almost as much as quarreling with the annoying cat woman in person. What I had to do, what I wanted to do, what I was going to do, in my mind it was all as clear as crystal thanks to this letter. The cards were laid down; all I had to do was act upon them. I was reconciled to my fate once more.

A slight shiver running down my back caused me to turn around. The fire had mostly died down. How late was it? The lack of mechanical clocks was a bit unsettling, and I was not yet capable of reading those pretty, but totally strange clepsydra-style Gaian watches.

It had to be very late anyway; Earth was hanging high in the sky. Should I go to bed? The exercise of composing and writing the letter had been strenuous, my limbs were heavy and the knowledge of another stressful day that lay ahead of me caused me to feel like a sack filled with gadgets.

On the other hand there was the image of Van hovering in my mind. He never went to bed early. I could probably find him of the roof where he was practicing fencing or meditating. There was nothing to be said against a little nighttime stroll.

With the indistinct feeling that I was going to regret that choice tomorrow morning I stood up and reached for my letter. The ink had dried, I folded the papers like I had seen Gudrun do and wrote Meruru's name and the direction on it. Ever since the cat woman had become chieftainess of her tribe, traffic between Fanelia City and their village had become more frequent as well as more regular. I was sure that my letter would reach her within the week.

I also didn't doubt that she would be here within a matter of days. There was no way Meruru De Fanel was going to let me get away with Van. I needed to be gone before she arrived or I was going to end up slashed to ribbons. This knowledge added a sense of urgency to my mission. I ought to go and see Van immediately before I lost whatever little nerve I still had.

With one last rueful look at my bed I reached for a cloak and left the room.

…

**T**he way to the roof was long. Too long. Corridor after dark corridor fleetingly passed before I reached the huge exit to the tower, and all the time unwanted thoughts came to my mind.

What if Van explained that there was no way back? What if he didn't understand my reasons or, worse, felt betrayed? What if – my hands grew cold at the mere idea – what if he refused?

If Van refused to come with me, I would be trapped between Scylla and Charybdis.

Losing the courage and staying on Gaia would possibly mean losing my peace of mind. Going back would possibly mean losing Van. There was no doubt as to what the sensible choice was – I owed it to myself not to back away from a challenge. I have seen what dire consequences unsolved conflicts led to. I even knew deep down that even Van's company was going to lose a lot of its magic with the loss of Mother and Yukary permanently nagging in the back of my mind.

Still, with all this knowledge I didn't know whether I was going to have the strength to pull it through and leave without him.

I was so preoccupied that I didn't realize I was thundering up fifty stone steps, around a corner, another short corridor until I had reached my goal, pushing against bronze handles in the shape of a dragon.

**T**he heavy doors to the roof terrace creaked open and revealed a scene that was driving all thoughs from my head rapidly.

The walls, the doorway, even the cloak and quiver of arrows thrown carelessly to the ground were lined with silver, turning the most mundane of things ethereal. The most stunning image, however, was the slim figure lightly jumping over the pinnacles of his castle and holding out his long bow for balance.

I remained still for a moment to enjoy the view. His movements were as flowing and graceful as they had been during his duel against Abaddon. His feet barely touched the ground and when he was airborne his body appeared to be almost weighless. Strangely enough, the threatening and sinister athmosphere that he had exuded at that time was completely missing.

Nothing could be more serene that the picture of my love under the moonlight, jumping, twisting and running. One half of my mind told me not to disturb him. Luckily for me, my more rational part won.

"**V**an?"

His silhouette stopped in mid-whirl and landed on the stone floor with a soft thud. His eyes were pracitcally glowing in the dark as he turned towards me.

"Staying up again, Hitomi?" he gently admonished, but there was no real bite in his words.

"Staying up again, Van?" I parroted him and we both smiled at each other in a lopsided way.

Wordlessly he turned around, picked up his own coat and wandered over to where the roof of the grand staircase angled up from the battlements. This was our favourite spot. One could recline comfortably against the roof, and several hours had been spent just sitting there in silence, wrapped into each other's presence and watching the clouds wander over the early winter sky.

Silently I walked over to him. He was still trying to calm his breath. The chest under his thin cambric shirt was heaving heavily and little beads of sweat rolled down his neck and dripped from his fringe. Automatically I fingered a handkerchief from my sleeve and dabbed his forehead, grateful for the excuse just to touch him. His skin was smooth below my fingertips.

"How was your day?" he asked quietly as I tucked the handkerchief away and sat down next to him.

"Lonely and stressful," I muttered, "yours?"

A light snort was the only answer I got. I don't know why my bluntness, although it was bordering on the impertinent, was always able to make him laugh. Perhaps he didn't have many truly honest people around him and enjoyed the borderline experience?

I picked up his hand, threaded my fingers through his and thought of the most diplomatic way to tell him that I wanted him to abandon his country. Even Van was going to find such an amount of openness hard to swallow.

"**D**o you remember the evening after your fight with – that man?" I began hesitantly, "You were right then. There was something wrong with me and I'm going to tell you know, if you don't mind."

A short nod of acquienscence was all the encouragement I needed from him and during the next half hour I told him everything. How I couldn't stop thinking of Mother and Yukari. How what I thought of as betrayal still hurt. How I'd realized that I still, after all that happened, missed them. How I still held hope in my heart that it had all been a misunderstanding, that they had had reasons for their behaviour. How I longed, how I needed to know that they'd not just stopped loving me.

Van didn't interrupt me once, he sat and listened with the inscrutable, brooding expression that I had come to associate with his dealing with a crisis. He had turned into 'King'-mode, weighing options, calculating risks and coming to decisions, and in moments like this he appeared even less approachable than usual. The skin on my upper arms curled in a wave of gooseflesh. The sense of security I used to feel in his presence was gone.

"I need to close this chapter," I concluded, trying to convey just how important this object was to me. "If I am going to stay on Gaia, I mustn't leave any conflict unsolved. If I leave without settling these points, I know that Mother or Yukari will come back to haunt me like Abaddon has been haunting your life."

Van tensed slightly at the mention of his nemesis, but stayed silent all the same. His stoic attitude began to unnerve me. What if he not only refused to come with me but forbade me to go altogether? What if he thought I was crazy?

Just before the tension became unbearable he turned towards me and asked, "Do you know what triggers the transport beam?"

I felt my jaw drop.

"How does --- huh?"

"The pillar of light with which we were transported between the worlds," he explained with a slight frown, "Does it have to do with a strong wish or desire? You launched it several times, and I did as I was fetching you with Escaflowne. Is it that, a wish? Or a thought?"

Only slowly his question made sense. Its implication stunned me.

"You're --- you're coming with me?" I asked breathlessly.

"Of course I am," he answered impatiently, "just what did you think I was going to do, Hitomi? Did you think I was going to let you return on your own?"

"Y-yes, n-no, but---"

"There is no way I am going to let you return to that place unprotected," he said sternly, "and even less so when the means of transportation is as uncertain as it appears to be. What if you cannot come back? Do you really think I am willing to wait another decade for you to return?"

"B-but---,"I stammered, completely thrown at the vigour with which he spoke that didn't leave any room for doubts. He didn't bring up a single objection, not even once!

"Y-you--- " I made a conscious effort to kick my brain into working mode, "you are going to leave Fanelia? With me?"

Van shoved out his jaw defiantly. "I do not like the prosepect of leaving my country. However, letting you leave this world is a mistake I have sworn never to make again in my life. If this makes me a bad ruler, so be it. Just this once I want to be egotistical."

**A** few seconds passed before I was able to realize that all my worries had become moot. Van -- he was coming with me. I didn't have to leave him behind!

He surredered his responsibilities for my sake. And he did more than that; his sacrifice saved me from having to make a decision. I didn't need to prove my newly found strength of heart, I was allowed to be weak just one more time. I could let myself fall, because he caught me.

It was impossible to swallow the lump forming in my throat. Without hesitating I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I love you," I whispered thickly, eyes growing wet and lips starting to tremble, "I don't know what I would have done if you had refused to come."

"Yours is a request I cannot by any means refuse, Hitomi. What you are planning to do is perfectly justified," Van's quiet voice rumbled deep in his chest.

"I-it's not even that-," I muttered and tried futively to stop these damned tears from running out of my eyes into the elaborate collar of Van's shirt.

"I-I d-don't even know why I care," I attempted to explain in a wobbly voice"I m-mean, it's them who d-deserted me. That's why I l-left them behind."

"You care because you love them," Van murmured and gently stroked the small of my back.

"Despite the present there were times when you were close to each other, and you cannot undo the feelings that connect you with these memories. This is why you still remember them with fondness."

His voice grew noticeably subdued as he continued. I knew exactly who he was thinking of. The mental image of Folken, kind, warm-hearted Folken, quivered before my inner eye before it suddenly morphed into the broad, calm face of my mother, framed by dark hair and highlighted by gentle brown eyes.

A fresh batch of tears ran into the pleated cloth I was nuzzling. I wasn't capable of uttering more than a whimper. A mixture of home-sickness, love-sickness, relief, exhaustion, and confusion brought along a temporary breakdown of self-control. Sobs shook my frame as I started to mourn the loss of the world I had grown up with and that I left behind for good, and not even Van's presence was able to console me for a long time.

…

**I** must have been lost in misery for a long time and would have continued to remain in a haze of pain and tears if a sudden movement under my palms had not frightened me out of it. I felt Van twitch and inhale sharply. Weeks spent in the wild with him had taught me to react immediately and look for potential sources of danger, so I looked up and around for possible attackers.

What I saw through the mist of tears caused my blood to freeze.

An enormous apparition started to form behind us, a gigantic pillar made of blinding light, luminescent mist and whirling winds. Hissing and crackling it stood right in the middle of the courtyard below us and I knew exactly what it was.

The transport beam.

I whipped around to gauge Van's reaction. The fascinated expression in his eyes was replaced by grim determination as he caught my look. We understood each other without words.

"Come on," he said and tugged be behind him as he strode purposefully towards the door.

"Wait," I protested weakly, "We should alert someone that we are gone!"

"No time," was the clipped answer, "we don't know how long it is going to last. Come on."

He strengthened his hold on my hand and leapt down the steps in breakneck speed so that I had difficulties in following him.

**B**y the time we reached the courtyard the castle guards were already in disarray.

"Mylord," one of them shouted and ran after Van as he pulled me towards the beam, "please stand back, it might be dangerous! Mylord!"

Van didn't even turn around.

"It is not dangerous," he bellowed over the hissing and sputtering of the apparition and ran on, "Don't touch it and don't let anybody near. If I'm not back in three days, call Shezar to take over contemporarily."

With that he gave another violent tug at my hand and threw himself into the light. The familiar soaring sensation overcame me and we were carried away, the confused yells of the palace guards as their king disappeared into the light still ringing in our ears.

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

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	16. Deep Sea

_Hurrah. A nightmare is over. Long time no see ---_

_Just so you know: I'm basing this whole story on the series, because that's as much as I have ever seen of 'Escaflowne'. I know that there is also a movie, but I had little luck so far in trying to get it. From what I've heard, I'm not even sure I'd like it. _

_I also started reading the manga, but was so freaked off by the weird drawing style that I never got further than the first volume. As far as I understood, the concept of all three versions is completely different anyway, so I think there is no harm done. _

_My reason for bringing this up is this: A few people already told me that Hitomi was supposed to have a brother. Well, in the series she doesn't. This is why in 'Colours' she also doesn't have any other family relation than her mother. _

_The fact that the Kanzaki family follows the Shinto rituals is something I entirely made up. _

_Special thanks go out to Lia who wrote an impressive poem; I'm convinced that these might have been Hitomi's thoughts before she decided to try and take her own life. Thanks, Lia, it sent shivers down my back!_

_I am also indebted to Sylverangel, InuSaga and Optimoose for patiently listening to my whining about this chapter and for even going as far as discussing the difficult points with me. You are wonderful, all of you. Thank you!_

_This chapter is dedicated to my fellow sufferer, Quill, because, whereas I just bit and clawed my way through this chapter, she took a more challenging route ._

_**I don't claim any rights concerning any of the characters introduced in this chapter except for the baby and Ms. Kanzaki's abusive boyfriend (who needs people like him anyway?); they belong to Kawamori-sensei and Co. The plot is my creation; don't plagiarize or I'll be after your soul. If you find any language mistakes, please tell me and I'll be glad to correct them.**_

_As usual, on with the show! Cheers, akari_

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 16

**Deep Sea**

_by akari_

* * *

**D**usk was falling as the transport beam dropped us in front of the Kanzaki family home. Almost as soon as my feet touched the ground the electric blue gleam faded and retracted to wherever it came from, giving way to daylight and revealing the achingly familiar silhouette of the place where I'd grown up. A quick glance around asserted me that we were standing on the lawn right in front of the entrance. 

On the right and the left side of the dark opening lamplight shone out of the windows and cast small, cozy-looking islands of yellow light onto the grass. Empty flowerpots cluttered the side of the front porch, reminding me of Mother's love for everything that had to do with plants and gardening. The noise of running water came out of the open kitchen window; there was even a figure moving about behind one of the glass panes to complete the façade of a happy family home.

Except that it wasn't. Neither 'happy' nor 'family' were correct. A familiar curl of adrenaline churned in my stomach as I watched my mother walking around the room.

Considering that that transport beam had appeared apparently randomly and that our decision to come here had been rather --- spontaneous---, I had not had any opportunity to prepare myself for this. What the heck was I going to say? And what if she didn't want to talk to _me_? What if – my stomach did an unpleasant flip – what if that man was still there?

What if he tried to finish what he had been threatening to do ever since he moved in and beat me to death?

I could already imagine him walking into my direction, balled fists stuffed into the pocket of his pants and eyes narrowed aggressively. My body tensed up, preparing itself for a possible escape. I retreated a step, then another. A loud clatter came from the direction of the window and triggered an impulse, causing me to jump and turn around halfway. Before I had completed another step, however, my face collided with something warm and solid.

"Hitomi?" A pair of hands gripped my shoulders and sturdy fingers wrapped around my upper arms.

The churning in my guts subsided a bit. I'd nearly forgotten that I was not going to face this uncomfortable encounter alone. He could not spare me the pain and mortification I was probably going to experience, but he was going to be by my side whatever happened. After all, I was facing this for him. For us.

Gratefully I clutched Van's waist, received a light squeeze in return and turned back to the house.

"Are we there?" he asked with a subdued voice, eyes trained on the annex that housed the garage and garden shed.

"Yeah," I muttered, "this is it."

My reluctance must have been obvious in my voice, because again he fleetingly touched my arm, leaving a spot of warmth.

"It is no use trying to delay it," he admonished softly and I nodded mutely, turning again towards the front porch, feet still hesitating to move.

It wasn't trepidation that was causing me to stall. If I'd been asked to classify my present state of mind, I'd compare the feeling to what I used to experience prior to visits at the dentist's. It was a slight queasiness, added by the knowledge that I was going to witness an uncomfortable, but in the long run beneficial, experience.

So, no fear. Anger?

To my surprise, I felt none of that. In fact, as I was walking to the entrance beside Van, I wasn't feeling halfway as resentful as I thought I should. Considering the fact that I left this place in a huff and with the intention of never coming back, I was, in fact, relatively detached.

Funny. Despite the roiling sensation in my stomach I tried to think rationally. Was it the passage of several months that had created the distance from my past? Not likely. Memories faded over time, but never feelings. Had I grown older and more forgiving? Certainly not. I still knew to hold a grudge, if my reaction to Stiliani was any indication. Besides, recent events had shown that I was still as hot-headed and capricious as I was when I was fifteen. In essence, I'd not changed at all. It was only Van who brought out the best in me and helped me reign my impulsive character.

Yes. It had to be him. Van. I was so happy with him that it allowed me to watch things in retrospective with more distance. I didn't care anymore if other people didn't think highly of me, because their opinion of me didn't matter to me as much as his did.

Because he loved me, I could face the prospect of parting from my family as well as my once best friend, in disagreement if need be. Whatever the outcome of the next hours would be, whether Mother accepted my apologies and offered some herself, I would undoubtedly find closure, one way or the other.

And closure was what I wanted, nothing else. No revenge. No petty arguments.

The crisis was over, now I was ready to move on. I'd grown up, if not exactly the way like Mother had expected me to. This was my chance to prove it.

With fresh resolution I directed my glance towards the dimly lit entrance that we had now nearly reached.

Suddenly Van stopped, his head turning towards the door.

"Someone is coming, " he said and his voice assumed the clipped tone reserved for critical situations. I froze, strained my ears and heard light steps coming nearer from the inside.

"Hello?" a female voice asked uncertainly, "is somebody there?"

Van's and my voice must have carried through the tilted window. My determination increased. Now there was no reason to wait any longer. The moment had come, better get this over with.

"Mother?"

For a second there was only silence. Then a crack appeared in the door and a slim silhouette of a woman appeared in it.

"Who's there?" she asked again and my gut feeling flared up as I realized that it was definitely not Mother's voice. The figure was too tall and --- hunchbacked?

There was a stranger in our family home!

"Who are you?" I asked sharply, possessive trait kicking in before I was able to think about it, "and what do you think you're doing in our house?"

Something curled around my wrist.

"Hitomi, "Van whispered reprovingly, but I shook his hand off and made another step towards the trespasser.

"Are you deaf?" I asked tartly, "Why are you here and where is my mother--- hey!"

The figure suddenly gave a strangled sound, stirred and started to walk into my direction, first slowly, then with increasingly rapidly steps until she was nearly running. I was too shocked by her sudden move to think clearly so that Van's immediate reaction caught me unawares.

He yanked at my arm, intending to move me out of her way, but all he managed was to make me lose my balance and stumble, accidentally bumping against the woman before finally falling to my knees. Instincts, honed and sharpened in the wilds of Adom, kicked in and I rolled into a ball, shielded my head with my arms and waited for the blow to come.

None came.

Instead I heard sniffling, shortly followed by the hiccuping cries of an infant. I looked up in surprise and watched the woman slump to the floor next to me. Over the pitiful wailing I heard the female voice scream.

"You stupid, egotistical, melodramatic COW!"

Something hard hit the side of my head.

I jerked up my head and squinted through the dizzy fog for a glimpse at my attacker. She was cowering beside me, curled around a squalling child that I had mistaken for a hunchback. The white splotch of her head slowly cleared up to reveal a white, haggard face with dark eyes surrounded by shadows. A few streaks of light coming from the entrance caused her dishevelled hair to look like a halo of flames.

Numbly I watched her opening and closing her mouth until the jangling in my ears subsided. Then my sense of hearing registered a painfully familiar voice.

And as I finally found my own, it was toneless as my lips mouthed her name.

"Yukari!"

…

**  
I**f Van had not been there, I don't know what would have become of us. We spent several minutes venting our tension by yelling at each other like Banshees, burying the baby's cries almost completely. The poor thing probably would have suffocated if Van had not finally separated us. With his usual briskness he'd pulled me back against him, trapped my gesturing arms with one of his and clamped his other hand over my mouth. I fought against his hold for a while, but he had me in a steel grip.

"Silence!" he barked and his voice held such an authority that everybody froze.

Even the baby stilled for an instant before starting to howl again, but this time Yukari reacted to the cries. She turned away from us, hugging the child closely, rocking her and whispering soothing words in her ear. During the few minutes in which the screams of the infant slowly faded to hectic snuffling I slowly collected myself and stopped straining against Van's firm embrace.

My nerves were still vibrating, but the flare of shock and fury left to be replaced by a feeling of vague restelessness. What was Yukari doing here? With a child no less? Hers? Where was mother? Damn, what was going on?

I drew a deep breath and trained my gaze to the cowering figure in front of us. She was still stroking the baby's head, but peace was restored to the neighbourhood. Finally, after what seemed to me like hours, the redhead stood up and swiveled around to face us.

"Come in, " she said with a voice hoarse from yelling. She didn't even look at me once as she waved her hand in a careless gesture to include Van in the invitation, "Both of you."

She turned away without another word and started towards the entrance.

Slowly the grip that held me captive loosened and set me free, allowing me to follow her into the house. Despite that I stood rooted to the spot, still too stunned over what just happened.

"Why are you here?," I blurted out, "Where's Mother?"

Yukari faltered. After a moment of hesitation she answered tersely "She's not here right now. Nobody's here. I've only been watering the flowers."

"But…" I protested, but she'd already picked up her pace and disappeared through the door without a sign that she's heard me. I turned around and looked at Van askance, but he merely shrugged and motioned me to follow Yukari's figure into the entrance.

"I am going to check the surroundings; I think I just heard something," he muttered and for once I didn't call him on his blatant lie. I just nodded, cast him a last look and followed Yukari into the house to face the music.

**A** few minutes later I was seated at our old rickety western-style kitchen table. A steaming mug of tea was standing in front of me and I toyed with it thoughtlessly, turning it around in my fingers as I watched my once best friend rummage through the cupboards for sugar.

"Try the one on the left next to the fridge," I muttered and she hesitated before opening the respective door, peering into it, picking up a package and setting it down on the table.

"Thanks," she whispered, sat down opposite of me and placed the baby on her knees. Several minutes passed without any of us saying a word. The silence between us was most unnatural; there had been times in which we had been able to talk for hours about nothing particular. Those times were long gone and apparently so were the common grounds for conversation.

I took a good look at Yukari. She sat there with her eyes lowered and shoulders sagging; a sharp contrast to a runner's youthful and athletic stance. The corners of her mouth were turned down and framed by a pair of deep lines. She was stirring restlessly, twitching her feet and constantly fiddling with the child's clothes, tugging them this way and that until they were just so. Her nervousless seemed to upset the toddler who was chewing on its fist and was looking at me with wide, worried eyes.

Her baby?

"Yeah," she said with the same hoarse, tired voice and I realized I had spoken aloud.

Well. Better get the conversation going.

"Boy or girl?"

"Girl," she replied and even volunteered another tidbit of information, "Her name is Mairi."

"That's a pretty name," I said and meant it.

"Thank you," she said curtly, "but I don't suppose you came here for small talk, did you?"

Ouch. Trust Yukari to be blunt. At least _that_ hadn't changed over the last year.

"I hope you came to explain where you've been during the last year," she continued cooly, "and why you disappeared all of a sudden without a trace just to treturn from the dead months later? Was that supposed to be some kind of twisted joke? Because it was not funny, you know."

I stared at her, gobsmacked. This was not what I'd expected to hear.

This was my part. _I_ wanted to throw a hissy fit. _I _was the one who wanted to give her a mouthful, not the other way round! If anybody had the right to complain, it was _I_!

"Don't just gape at me," she scoffed as I remained silent, "explain! The police opened your apartment to find it in total chaos. Empty bottles, empty packs of sleeping tablets. The tub filled with blood," she was sounding hysterical, "your body gone, Tarot cards everywhere, but no message. What the fuck have you been thinking, Hitomi?"

Yukari was capable of hurling words like stones. Each word hit me like a slap in the face, as if the one she'd given me a few minutes ago hadn't been enough. I'd hardly recovered from her first tirade as she already continued.

"Mum found you, she called me in the middle of the night, completely frantic. She was crying so hard that she couldn't speak straight, so I jumped onto the next plane and came over. The police questioned us for hours and I had to think of that dragon years ago and this nutcase with the sword, it was horrible and _can you even imagine what we went though_?!"

That did it.

"What you went through? You?" I shouted and watched her flinch.

The baby startled and began crying again, but I kept my eyes fixed at Yukari's pale, haggard, harrassed-looking face. She returned my gaze and her wide, reproachful eyes, the eyebrows, plaintively drawn together, the puckered-up lips, triggered in me a wild, irrational, hot surge of anger.

She had no business complaining! Gods, I hated this woman, hated her accusing stare, hated her arrogance, hated her so much that I wanted to hurt her as badly as possible.

"I wonder why you even care, Yukari," I yelled, "what's it to you what I do and where I go? Damn it, you can't just go and dump me and still expect me to keep you updated on everything that's happening to me!"

Yukari's face fell and turned as white as chalk.

Bet she didn't expect me to defy her. The mere idea only served to further incense me.

"You dropped me as if I were contagious, dammit! '_Favourable flight connection_, my ass! How thick would I have to be not to understand that I was unwanted in your perfect new life?"

It felt good to get all that out of my system. Grimly satisfied I continued, taking pleasure in picking my words such as to cause as much pain as possible.

"See, Yukari, after being dumped like that, did you really believe I'd still come whining to you if something's wrong?" I let sarcasm seep into my voice, "I wouldn't have dreamt of bothering you with any of my trifles, much less with the fact that my life was falling to pieces! You made it quite clear that you didn't want to be friends anymore. Fine, I could live with that, although I wish you would've had the decency to actually tell me instead of leaving me hanging."

She opened her mouth, to protest, I assumed, but I interrupted her.

"It's okay," I said, waving her off, "you don't have to argue your case. I'm not going to ask for your reasons. It was hard to accept, but I finally did and moved on---"

Her lips were moving, but I went on mercilessly, "I'm sorry you and your mother have been drawn into this mess, but what I did was my decision and wasn't supposed to affect you anymore. Spare me all this bellyaching, because I don't buy it."

"Hitomi, stop it," she whispered urgently.

Why wasn't she shouting back? Yelling at her was no fun if she didn't even try to resist!

"Aw, come on! You, above all, have no business shaking your finger at me, Yu-ka-ri."

I poured all my bitterness into my voice, but for some reason, she didn't catch onto it.

"Stop it," she repeated more insistently and clutched her child in what I took to be a defensive gesture. Ha! As if.

"Why?" I replied cruelly and raised my voice to penetrate the crying of her child, "can't stand hearing that you were part of the reason why I wanted to die? Why I have this on my wrist?"

I brandished the the underside of my arm where an ugly, ragged and discoloured patch of skin insulted the eye of the beholder. But instead of flinching back guiltily like I had suspected her to do, Yukari stood up without a word, hugged the baby closely and strode towards the door.

"That's enough," she said harshly, "I'm not taking any more of this crap. No, don't!" she added as I inhaled to shoot back, "don't say anything. Don't make it worse than it already is. I'm not going to listen unless you pull yourself together and think about what you just accused me of."

"Where are you going?" I asked sharply. I wasn't done with her yet!

"I'm going to soothe Mairi if I can and tuck her into bed. She's not going to have to endure this outrage for another minute. You'll have to excuse me."

Huh?

Automatically my eyes dropped to the toddler who was still sobbing pitifully. One look at her swollen, red face was like a punch in the guts. Gods, my yelling must have terrified the poor little creature out of her wits. What the heck had I…?

Unfortunately for me, Yukari took advantage of my gaping like an idiot.

"I'd hate to watch you run away with the wrong impression," she said sharply, interrupting the nasty silence. I turned around in surprise and spotted her standing halfway in the door, wearing an extremely peeved expression.

"It obviously hasn't occurred to you that what I wrote to you might have been the truth," she continued, "That's a pity, because I thought friends are supposed to trust each other. You know I never lied to you, especially not about Amano."

"You…," I flew out furiously, but Yukari beat me to it with an even louder voice.

"As for the _bellyaching _as you called it, it was nothing more than an expression of my worry for your safety. Forgive me if that bothers you. Up to this point I didn't know we weren't supposed to be friends anymore, so my feelings on this point were at least understandable. Don't worry, I'll try to refrain from showing them openly in the future."

"But you…," I muttered, not knowing what I wanted to say. Every possible scornful reply suddenly sounded lame to me.

She cast me an insistent glance that I returned blankly, then shook her head and averted her face.

"Look, Hitomi, it becomes obvious that you did not believe me," she said and the anger from her voice had suddenly mutated into sadness.

"I don't know when and why you stopped trusting me, but it's apparent that you did. I just wish you'd called and told me something was wrong. Perhaps I could have done something to help you. I would have, no matter what."

Before I was able to understand her meaning she was gone, leaving me to glare foolishly at the closed door.

"**C**oward!" I hissed, but my voice was lacking the bite.

I stood up abruptly, walked around the kitchen and tried to talk myself into anger again, but all I felt was sheepish. I even considered throwing my teacup, but it would be a complete waste of a perfectly good cup!

Where, oh, where was my anger? Where was the useful surge of adrenaline that allowed me to rage and storm and feel perfectly in the right in everything I said? Where was my easily rising temper that swallowed every logical thought and distracted me from realizing the uncomfortable truths Yukari just told me? With which emotion was I going to coat the fact that I'd just lost an argument, and in the worst way possible?

My cheeks were burning from mortification and anger, but this time it was directed against myself.

Was this supposed to be the calm, mature conversation I meant to have with Yukari, the one that was supposed to give me a feeling of satisfaction? What had I gained besides blustering up in righteous indignation and making a complete idiot of myself?

All right, Yukari HAD been negligent. That was something she already knew, if the look in her eyes had been any indication. Being too preoccupied with one's own affairs to pay attention to friends was a common and understandable, albeit not pardonable, failure.

Aside from that, however, I knew I should have called her. I knew I'd been wrapped up in self-pity too much to make allowances for her behaviour. I'd been sick, exhausted and disgusted with everybody and everything and only wanted to get my revenge on them all.

I was aware of all of that, dammit! All I've been wanting to ask was whether they still cared about me. To explain my reasons, hear theirs and say goodbye properly so I didn't have to look back in anger.

I blew the air out of my mouth in irritation.

We both bungled it. She slapped me and yelled at me which was a sure way to provoke me into yelling back. I messed up by behaving childishly. We both ended up hurting each other's feelings and were now probably as far away from closure than at any other point.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

If there still was a way to ensure this meeting didn't end in a fiasco, I needed to calm down and think about what I wanted to say. I should have done this long ago. No reproaches, no insults, no game of one-upmanship. I came to solve this matter and I was not going to leave before I learned what I wanted to know.

There was no other way. Yukari and I needed to talk once more and I had to make sure I didn't lose my temper this time. It would be so much easier if Van were here, but I understood - and honoured – his wish to leave us alone. This was something I had to do on my own.

With a sigh I plunked onto my chair, took a few calming breaths, refilled my cup of tea and began to ponder.

…

"**I** shouldn't have shouted. Sorry about that."

Yukari froze, fingers still on the handle of the door. Her maroon-coloured eyes fixed on my face and I spotted the momentary expression of relief as they bore into mine.

"You shouldn't have," she confirmed after a long pause, "and the same goes for me. Can we now talk? Will you tell me what was going on?"

I nodded, gestured for her to sit down and gave her a short account of everything that happened after she left. It wasn't the most organized, convincing version of my story, but I had to hand it to her that she listened without interrupting once and only bit her lip as I spoke of Mother's boyfriend.

"Maybe I overreacted," I concluded tensely, "but there's only so much a person can bear. I was feeling terribly alone and really needed someone to just listen. You were the only person I could count on at that point, so when you hung up on me with some bullshit excuse something kind of snapped in me."

"I'll tell you what happened," Yukari said quietly, "your temper got the better of you, like it always does. You are incredibly strong and courageous, but whenever you feel something's not going your way or someone's treating you unfairly you are geting peevish and resentful like a teenager. You jump to conclusions, draw back and sulk and try to punish everybody else for crossing you by venting your bad mood for days afterwards. That's what you tried to do, wasn't it? Make everybody else worry?"

I frowned and inhaled to protest, but Yukari quickly said, "When you called I expected an urgent call. It wasn't like I wanted to get rid of you or anything, I just needed a few minutes to take it. I was on the point of telling you that I'd call back, but you were already gone. I wish you'd told me you were feeling poorly, because we might have found a solution."

"Fine," I huffed, "go ahead and tell me it's all my fault. I knew you'd---"

"Hitomi, I'm sorry!" she interjected and I closed my mouth in surprise.

"Look, I'm really, truly sorry about all this. I know I should have checked up on you more often. Even if I didn't know about your mother, I still should have called from time to time. I've thought about it several time, but every so often something unexpected happened and took my mind off it. That's not a sufficient reason, but that's as good as an apology as I have."

Her sudden confession stunned me into silence. Yukari… apologized? I was hardly able to process this new development as I found myself grabbed by my shoulders in a painfully familiar gesture.

"We were really stupid, moving over unprepared," she said urgently, "I didn't know how much paperwork there was to do with rent, insurance and all that. I've been doing stuff like this for the first time and on top of that I found out that I was pregnant. That's when it all just overwhelmed me, so I shut out everybody else and only took care of my own affairs. I knew it was wrong, but I decided to be egotistical. I always thought I could make up for ignoring you later. You can't imagine how terrible I felt that things had gone so out of hand."

Her fingers dug into my upper bicep and before I knew it she'd tugged me against her and gave me a hug, awkwardly leaning down from her standing position. The cup tilted over and fell clattering to the floor, but none of us bothered to pick it up. I was too shocked about this sudden outburst to be able to move.

"I'll never forget the sight of all that blood, never!" she whispered tremulously, "where have you been? The police have been calling all the hospitals, but didn't find you in any of them. They even published a picture of you in the newspaper, but nobody had seen you. Where were you?"

Her grip intensified and I tried hard to sort my swirling thoughts. Yukari's voice sounded so ---

I'd always been able to hear whether she was upset or not. She had a soft, high voice, but agitation always added a certain shrill ring to it.

Such as now.

"Did you leave the country? Who with? Hitomi!"

I shook my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts.

"Sort of," I muttered, "I was not in Japan. Someone rescued me and took me in and I decided to stay with them. I only just came back to talk to you and … other people."

A long bout of silence followed. I wondered if I should tell her the truth. Would she believe me? She'd mentioned the dragon, so she, opposite to Amano, remembered the day on which I got carried away to the war-ridden planet. Not that we ever talked about the incident, though.

Perhaps now was as good a time as any.

"I returned to Gaia," I finally said, "just like on that day on which I tried to break my sprint record. The blue beam came back and carried me away and that's where I was until now."

She drew back hurriedly to peer at me. Confusion, incredulity and fright appeared in her face in quick succession. I hurried to explain about Gaia and what happened during my first visit, but the frown on her face wouldn't smooth out.

"But you… you tried to commit suicide, didn't you? I mean, all that blood and the painkillers…? How did you…?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I didn't make a conscious effort to get there. I didn't even know I _could _return."

"So this blueish light just appeared out of nowhere and transported you away so that someone could find you? Whoah. Creepy."

"Maybe, maybe not," I shrugged, "I was unconscious while it happened. Van figures the blue light has something to do with strong emotions. Sounds reasonable, if you ask me, but this is nothing more than a vague idea. I don't even know if we'll be able to leave anytime soon."

Yukari seemed startled.

"What do you mean, you're leaving?" she demanded to know, "you don't want to return, do you? What if that light doesn't come back, what if you end up stuck there?"

I hesitated.

_I wouldn't care. _Come on, say it!

Unbidden, my gaze wandered over the familiar surroundings of the kitchen. There was the dent in the floor from when I'd dropped Mother's chopper as a kid. The dried leaves from Mother's and Father's wedding cake, complete with the wedding rings, were hanging on the wall next to the window. Pencilled lines at the door post where Mother had measured how much I'd grown were still visible, although the dates were hardly decipherable anymore.

All this was going to be left behind, to never be seen again. All my ties with my home and the rest of my family were going to be severed. I was never going to see Yukari and her family again as well.

_I'm not coming back. _

Speaking out loud a decision I'd already made would somehow solidify it into something binding.

But… I'd made my decision, hadn't I? Why the hell was I hesitating?

I shook my head once more. This was getting me nowhere. Time to screw up the lacking courage and jump into the cold waters.

"To be truthful," I said, "I wouldn't mind too much. I was planning to return to Gaia and stay there."

Yukari visibly gulped.

"I'm perfectly sure of that," I added quickly before she was able to voice any form of protest. "I don't think I will ever be happy again at this place; I'm connecting too many bad memories with it. Besides, I've got new responsibilities over there. There's also … er..."

I felt my face heat up. I needed to stop blushing, and fast, or I would always look like some star-struck ditz.

"Well, I just can't stay here. I need to go back" I explained hoity-toitily and hoped against hope she wouldn't catch my embarassment.

She kept staring at me.

"Say, Hitomi," she began cautiously, "this man who was with you, is he from that place?"

Could my face get any redder? I smiled weakly.

"Yes, he is. He's the 'nutcase with the sword' as you so lovingly dubbed him."

Her eyes went wide and her mouth opened in a soundless 'aaah'.

"Dear me," she said, eyebrows skyrocketing out of sight, "he seems to have improved over times. I remember that he used to behave like a complete jackass. You even slapped him."

"Yeah, I did. He deserved it," I muttered sheepishly, "but he's really not that bad. He was probably just in a spin because of his fight with that dragon."

"Of course. I understand," that damn girl's voice sounded gleeful, "Nice catch, Hitomi! He's not as good-looking as Amano, but still tolerable."

"He's good-looking, too, you arrogant cow," I hissed, only to realize that I had fallen into Yukari's trap. Her Cheshire Cat Grin told me as much.

"So you finally admit that you fell in love?" she crowed, "I never thought I'd see Ms. tough-and-unruffled Kanzaki all meek and flustered because of a man!"

"Oh, shut up, Uchida, it's not like I could've controlled what was happening to me," I defended myself sourly, "besides, I never told anybody I didn't want a relationship."

"No, but you had fun predicting everybody else's love lives. How does it feel to be on the receiving end for once?"

"It feels fantastic," I said hotly, "really wonderful. It was about time life was kind to me after this recent crap. There, are you happy now?"

I already regretted those words the moment they left my mouth. To Yukari, they seemed to have the same effect as if I'd thrown cold water on her. The wide smile on her lips disappeared immediately and was replaced by a sobered expression.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to imply…"

"No problem," I interjected quickly, "I'm sorry for being such a sourpuss. I guess I'm just a little stressed these days and that's obviously making me cranky."

"Obviously," she agreed with a faint smile that barely lifted the corners of her mouth. It took away some of her wan look, but not much. I reached out to touch her arm.

"Let's just stop bantering, please," I pleaded, "this is going to lead nowhere. I'd rather know how you are. You are looking worn out, Yukari. What happened?"

"Jetlag," she shrugged, "Mairi didn't like flying at all and made a terrible fuss, so I couldn't get a wink of sleep during the flight as well."

"So won't you go to sleep? We can talk later, tomorrow even if you can't stay for long. I was planning to spend a few days with Mother anyway and pack a few things, so we're not going to leave anytime soon. Just take a rest and we …we can continue this conversation later, all right?"

"Nah," Yukari muttered, "I'm staying for a while. I told Amano I'd be here for as long as we needed to --- well, " she waved her hand vaguely.

"Okay," I said, "but do me a favour and go to bed, you look completely exhausted. I promise you I won't stir from here for at least a week."

"Oh?" she smiled, but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes, "that's good to hear. Anyway, Hitomi, as to staying here, you should..."

"Don't worry," I interrupted her, "as long as Van is here, nobody will so much as touch me. I'll explain it all to Mother when she gets home, she'll understand. You never know, maybe we can finally do something about that asshole."

"That… who… oh, I understand," she fumbled, "this man. Yeah, that's what I needed to tell you, he… you…"

I didn't say anything, just raised my eyebrows as I watched Yukari fidget. What was going on?

"**W**e need to talk, Hitomi," she finally said nervously.

Eh? But… wasn't this what we've been doing for the last hours? There was no need to be so formal, except---

Except there was something she had not told me so far.

I immediately recognized the feeling of dread uncurling in my stomach. My instincts were always right.

"I'm sorry, Hitomi," Yukari's meek apology immediately confirmed my suspicion, "I'm so sorry to have to tell you."

"What happened?"

I wished I could be more polite, but I knew something bad had to be broken to me and I wanted it over as quickly as possible.

Yukari was here and apparently healthy, so it had to be someone else. Amano or…

"It's my mother, isn't it?"

She flinched and I knew I was right. What did she say? _Not here right now?_

Unconsciously my fingers clawed at the fabric of my coat and twisted it mercilessly. I tried really hard to keep my voice even, but a faint tremble betrayed my apprehensiveness.

"She's hurt, right? That's why she's not here. This brute beat her again, didn't he? Oh, God, I need to see her. Which hospital is she in this time?"

Yukari didn't answer immediately. I saw her throat constrict as she gulped several times. The rushing in my ears increased until I didn't even hear the clock ticking away on the windowsill.

No. Not this.

Everything, but not this. Please don't let her be…

"The neighbours found her in the front garden, she'd apparently tried to crawl out to get some help,"Yukari's voice was now toneless, I could barely hear it, "Her face looked like… Gods, I wouldn't have recognized her. It was swollen and discoloured, he must have beaten her head against something. They tried emergency surgery, but she had cerebral bleeding in several places and they couldn't stop it. I'm so sorry, Hitomi."

No.

No, no, no.

It had to be a lie. A nasty trick, punishing me for what I did.

A lie.

Except…

Except that I knew it was true. My instincs never led me wrong.

So--- she was dead. My mother was dead.

…

…

Damn him.

Damn him, damn him, DAMN HIM!

I was pulled against a bony shoulder and my nose made uncomfortable contact with a collarbone, but I was just staring ahead, the corners of my mouth tensed up. Damn him.

Damn him!

"She didn't throw him out?" I heard my own voice say.

Warm palms slid over my shoulders soothingly. I could barely understand her muffled words as she spoke.

"Mum thinks she did," she whispered, "Apparently the police was at your house, so she asked your mother what happened. They'd come to check up on her, but couldn't do anything without a restraining order. Your mother was planning to contact a lawyer, but one of the secretaries working at the office apparently knew that man and told him of her appointment. I--- we think that's the reason why he snapped."

"They jailed him?" I heard my mouth ask.

The lips were twitching, but my eyes stayed dry. Damn, why did I have to be so logical? Why couldn't I cry?

"Yes," Yukari said tremulously, " they got him, but --- oh, Hitomi, I'm so sorry. Your mother, she--- Mum visited her, but--- "

"Typical", the other me was saying, cutting off Yukari's effusive assurances, "that's typical of her. She always let everything bounce off her. Every time I was mad at her she just deflected it and ended up making _me_ feel bad instead. I have every right to yell at her and she just _dies _on me before I can. Damn her!"

"Hitomi!"

I knew I was babbling. I knew that the other me was saying things I didn't really mean to say.

Blaming somebody else was so much easier than working out my emotions...

"I'm not giving in, this time. I'm not going to crawl in the dust before her and admit defeat. She fucked it all up. She let this asshole into her life. I didn't do anything wrong, I have no reason to ask for forgivess, even if she's _dead_ and I'm not!"

"Hitomi---"

"---and if she thinks I---"

"_Hitomi!_"

Smack!

A stinging sensation in my face snapped me out of my momentary frenzy. I stared at Yukari whose hand was still raised, ready to slap me again in case I had not returned to my senses.

I---

Oh, gods.

What kind of moronic, egotistical and ruthless shit had I said?

What did I always do on one of these occasions? In an attempt to hold my shock, panic and heartbreak an arm's length away my irrational side had, once again, taken refuge in anger and self-pity.

I was such a---

I had to stop doing that.

No more.

I forced myself to breathe deeply and uncurled my fists. The hem of my coat, released from a death grip in which I held it, slid towards the floor and flopped against my ankles.

No more aggression, hate and fury.

No more blaming of others.

No more sulking.

…

…

Because Mother had died.

She had died.

…

Never.

I was never going to talk to her again. Never see her smile again, never hear her call me down for dinner.

Funny, why was I still unable to cry? There was only numbness and this rushing in my ears. I couldn't even feel pain.

Why the heck can't I cry? I'm supposed to, right? I mean, I just heard that the only living family member got clobbered to death during my absence.

And just where had that crack in the table come from? Funny…

A sharp click resounded from behind me.

I turned around automatically to see a familiar figure standing in the doorframe. Yukari was gone. When had she left?

Clothing rustled and I turned my head back to Van. Crimson eyes were full of concern and a familiar cloud of warmth enveloped me as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his lap.

"Yukari just told me," his deep voice was tinged with pity and anxiety on my behalf, "I'm so sorry."

A tiny pinch in my heart.

"Van," my voice was tiny, "Mother died."

"I'm so sorry, Hitomi," he repeated and tugged me against his chest.

I dug my nose into the tiny dimple between his clavicles while the first dry sob racked my frame. The warmth of his body, the warmth of his company quickly melted away all semblance of self-command.

"She… she died," I heard myself whimper with a strange voice before, finally, all floodgates broke open.

Finally.

* * *

**T**he sound of crunching gravel behind me was coming nearer. 

"Are you sure?"

I turned around to give Van a wonky smile, the first in days.

"Yes. I need to do this."

In addition, I secretly added, I was feeling moderately confident that this time I was not going to burst into tears. I didn't have any left within me.

In fact, I was feeling positively calm for someone who'd cried on and off for several days. A huge part of this was owing to Van and his unwavering support. As I woke up after having learned about Mother's death he was still holding me and hadn't let go over the next days during which I'd tried to come to terms with my pain, my anger and my bad conscience.

He wasn't coddling me. It was not in his nature to do that kind of thing; how could it be if he basically grew up alone? But he'd certainly done his best after he found me in the kitchen where Yukari had sent him.

His warmth was what I needed during the time in which misery overcame me and his calm, clear-sighted conversation and slightly distant way of speaking anchored me whenever I was close to getting hysterical. His company had enabled me to figure out, in the few moments in which I was rational enough to speak, where I wanted to go now.

And of course he was with me now, on my way to the hardest challenge of all.

A warm, fuzzy swirl heated up my stomach as I turned back and spotted him watching me intently.

If he could go out of his way, sacrifice his dignity and pride to try and console me, the least I could do was to prove myself to be worthy of him. That's why, after a seemingly endless period of sobbing, snot and self-disgust, in the end I pulled myself together, subdued the tears as far as I could and resolved to look forward, for him. For us.

I smiled again, this time more confidently, and reached for his hand.

"Come on," I said, "it's not very far from here."

We were leaving the iron-wrought gates of the graveyard behind and turned around several corners. I looked around for the huge tree Yukari told me about; it was over there on the left side of the main path.

A narrow trail was leading towards it and after a few minutes we reached a cluster of marker posts. The closer we went, the more distinct became the unfamiliar, curly letters snaking from the top to the bottom until they stood out like drops of ink in the snow.

My eyes slid over the lines that formed syllables and words until I'd found what – or specifically, who – I was looking for.

The world slowed down. So did my feet.

_Kanzaki. _

My heart was beating heavily in my chest. This was a view I never thought I'd have to see anytime soon. Mother had still been young, too young for her daughter to expect standing at her grave.

And yet, those were the letters that formed my family name and the first name of my mother. It was there that her mortal remains had been buried. This was the spot in which her soul – if she hadn't found rest yet – would be lingering.

It was here where I was going to seek, and hopefully find, my peace.

Van's calloused fingers slipped out of my grasp. His clothing rustled as he took a few steps backwards, remaining close enough to offer support, but leaving me standing in front of the site alone. Mechanically I bent my knees and went to kneel in front of the marker post, palms of my hands pressed together and against my forehead.

"Nanmaida," I whispered, my voice hollow.

Nothing happened. Of course not. It was all hollow, just a sequence of letters. Prayers were supposed to be spoken sincerely and with a pure heart. Right now, my heart was filled with a swirling mixture of anxiety, uncertainty, fear and guilt. It was an impure offering I should be ashamed of.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. This was getting me nowhere fast. Had I expected too much? How could I seek reconciliation with someone who didn't respond?

Mother…

With some difficulties I conjured up a picture of her in my memory. A broad, calm countenance, green eyes just like mine and… long lashes? Yes. No? It shocked me how difficult it was to remember the details of her face. Would it grow worse, to a point in which I would not be able to describe her features anymore?

In frustration I looked again, but I saw nothing that helped me, nothing that resembled her. A tall, white _sotoba_, that was not Mother. Nor was the shallow bowl that someone had placed in front of her post or the incense sticks jutting out of it. Nothing.

Mother…

Yes, there it was again. This bottomless pit inside of me, filled with emptiness.

I was past the stage of crying. The first shock, the acute pain had disappeared in favour of a dull, throbbing numbness. The tears wouldn't come.

Just like back when Grandma had died.

Every morning I woke up to this lethargy, this cheerlessness of knowing that someone dear to me had disappeared from my life. The minute I stirred I could have sworn I heard her voice talking to me. I listened intently, hopefully, until I finally found the courage to face the fact that, no, it had all been a fata morgana, conjured up by my own longing.

Each day was accompanied by thousands of memories, brought about by pictures, the sound of her name or just the view of something that belonged to her. Thousands of wounds, none of them deadly, but every single of them aching.

Every enterprise I would – under different circumstances –be looking forward to was reduced in value. A part of every evening was given to tears, followed by an attempt to calm down and fight the overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of the next day, twenty-four hours that were no doubt going to present me with nearly the same amount of heartbreak, only a barely noticeable bit less.

Mother…

How I missed her.

Funny how we only start to be aware of how much we need someone as soon as he or she is gone. It so happened with Grandma. Van. Yukari.

Mother…

Long lashes. She had long lashes and thin eyebrows. Her hair used to be combed back neatly and gathered into a bun at the base of her neck, but a few strands of hair were continually falling into her face. Dark hair, with some grey strands.

How I used to tease her about it!

I felt the corners of my mouth pulling up.

She'd never caught the bait. Instead she'd just smiled in her usual, quiet manner, causing her brows to draw together and form an almost even line. She'd looked so relaxed when she was like that. I wondered if she'd still been smiling whenever that man was with her. Probably not.

_I was afraid of him and so were you, whether you admit it or not. That's why you refused to even concede that he was a ruffian, wasn't it?_

_But he was and that's why I left. _

_I'm not sorry for moving out. Considering the circumstances, I was doing the right thing. I wish I'd been able to help you get rid of that man, though. From your point of view it looked as if I'd deserted you, didn't it? And in a way, I had. _

_I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to leave you struggling alone. _

_Were you angry with me? Were you sad? Did you write me off and swore that I was no daughter of yours?_

No answer.

Of course not.

The wind was rustling in the leaves of the huge tree.

Forest-coloured irises were looking at me serenely.

_No. No you did not. Because behind all that anger, fear and frustration you were still my mother. I know you were. Situations may bring out the best or the worst in people, but they can't change their essence. And your essence was good. _

_You brought me into this world. You raised me and gave me all your love and after Father left, you gave me even more to make up for his loss. You always knew what was going on with me, whether I was feeling well or not, whether I was hiding something or was happy. _

_You trusted in the judgement of your heart and told me to believe in mine. Well, my heart tells me that you loved me to the very end. I would've known if you'd stopped. And I wouldn't have believed it. Never. There was a time during which I doubted, but I'm stronger now. I know what I know, I know you loved me. And I know, I know that …_

"I love you."

The words left my lips without any conscious effort of mine. For a few moments I didn't dare stir, but this time my tone didn't leave behind an empty echo, no notion of staleness and bigotry.

"I love you," I whispered again.

Something tight in my chest loosened.

"I love you," I repeated.

And it was true.

The mental image of my mother's face smiled; eyes narrowing affectionately and lighting up her kind, but weary countenance.

The corners of my mouth twitched. I looked up to follow the elaborate loops and curls her name consisted of. K-a-n-z-a-k-i. This time my smile was true, just like the tears that were starting to fall onto the freshly dug earth as an offering of salt, water and a penitent heart to those whose ghosts were still lingering.

* * *

"**H**ave you got your … what did you call them … photo arbuns?" 

"Photo albums. Yes."

"Your books?"

"Um. Where did I put..? Oh, yes. Yes."

"Was there anything else you wanted to take?"

"Yeah. My track shoes --- and a few clothes would be nice. I wonder where they are. Yukari said my flat has been let again, so they must have deposited my stuff _somewhere_."

"You will not need clothes," Van's voice was sounding slightly miffed, "I always provided for you and I will keep doing so in the future."

"I know you do," I replied soothingly, "and I'm really grateful for that. I'm just taking a few pairs of jeans, because I couldn't find fitting pants in the stock room for ages."

"… You are _not _wearing men's clothes, Hitomi!"

"Aw, come on,"I scoffed, "they're not men's clothes."

Where the heck had I put my old track shoes?

"What if someone tries to kidnap me again, how am I supposed to fight him off and run away if I'm wearing one of those skirts? What if Yone once more gets her jollies by sending me up to the attic? What if…"

"We are not taking them and this is final," Van said firmly, "I will not allow my --- my escort to run around like a tomboy."

My anger flared up.

"I'm not a tomboy," I hissed.

Van opened his mouth, to oppose, I presume, and I was just getting ready to quarrel with him about this matter when a third voice interrupted.

"Oh my God, what happened here?"

We turned around simultaneously. Yukari was standing at the entrance of the room, her daughter in tow. Wide-eyed she looked around and took in the results of our handiwork. I walked up to her and watched the baby stare at Van who shrugged irritably and went back to trying to fit another set of books into my duffle bag.

"Are you going to take _all_ this stuff with you?" Yukari asked and let her eyes wander over the pile of boxes we'd stacked in the living room.

"Of course not," I answered, "in fact, I'm only taking a few souvenirs. Those boxes contain the rest of Mother's personal belongings. I thought of giving them to charity. I just… didn't want to throw them away."

"I understand," she nodded. "What about the house and the furniture, did you sell it?"

I steeled myself before I answered.

"No. I wanted to give it away as well. I decided to offer it to you and Amano, if you want it."

Silence.

An involuntary smile tugged at my lips. I knew her so well that I could tell exactly what was going on in her head right now. Yukari was as quick-witted a person as I knew. Her busy brain was weighing options and pondering my offer from all perspectives. She would spare me the 'I-can't-believe-you-said-that-are-you-serious?' routine. She knew I was.

"Why do you do that?"

Here we go.

"Are you trying to make amends? Because you don't have to, you know," she continued rationally, "You owe me nothing. If anything, I should be the one who…"

"It's not that," I interrupted her hastily before she was able to dwell on memories that were better left untouched. "I just…,"

I took a deep breath and continued, "Look, I don't want to sell it. It's the only place that connects me with this world and the only trace I'm leaving behind when I go back to Gaia. I don't want some stranger to take it. I'd rather know someone familiar lives here who appreciates it … and its history."

"That makes sense" she calmly stated. "I was wondering why you would give something so valuable to me of all people. It's not like I know whether I can use it in the near future anyway."

"You could stay here whenever you are visiting," I suggested, relieved that Yukari understood my true intentions behind the offer.

If we could forget the past year and be as close as we used to be, I would probably have attributed the warmest friendship to my gift, but my emotional distance allowed me to assess my situation clearly.

Because we had been friends, giving the house to her imparted me with a feeling of satisfaction, but above all this it was a deal. Nothing more, nothing less. Yukari and her family had a place to live whenever they returned to Japan, while I got the certainty that something of my past life, if only an address, remained unchanged.

"I've been thinking about this for a long time," I continued, "and would be happy if you accepted. If you do, we could prepare the papers in the matter of a day."

"And if I did, Hitomi," Yukari said and looked me into the eyes, "is there something you want in exchange?"

I reciprocated her glance levelly.

"Yes, there is. I'd ask you to look after mother's grave after I'm gone. I'm taking the mortuary tablets with me, but someone needs to visit her on the graveyard, pick the weeds and light incense from time to time. Since I won't be here, I want you to take my place and do that as if I were here."

Yukari nodded and broke eye contact.

"I could live with that," she said after a short pause.

A wave of relief coursed through me. How I was going to ensure Mother's grave received proper care had been one of my biggest problems. I couldn't have hired someone, because how would I have been supposed to pay them?

"That's good to hear," I muttered and Yukari nodded again.

"I will have to talk to Amano and my parents before I ultimately decide, but you can already prepare everything. When are you leaving?"

"As soon as possible," I replied. "We don't know how much time has passed on Gaia since we left. Last time I was there something happened to the flow of time. I returned on the same day I left, although weeks had passed over there. We really need to get going."

She scrutinized me with a half-amused, half-exasperated expression.

"You really are anxious to get there, aren't you? Is life over there really so much better than here?"

"No, it's not," I answered honestly, "you can find crackpots and weirdoes anywhere. But…"

I hesitated and glanced over to Van. He looked up from my bag, wearing a harrassed countenance, frowned and turned his attention back to his task. With a fond smile I watched the corners of his mouth tighten in concentration as he struggled to close the zipper. The bag was bulging so much that he had a hard time pulling it shut, but damn it all to hell, he would keep trying. And in the end, there was no doubt that he'd succeed.

I thought of Runa, Meruru, Allen, Yone and my comfortable bed. Fencing lessons in the evening, travelling through the forest in horseback and tidy, well-heated underground caves.

My smile widened for a fraction.

"It's not perfect, but it's damn close," I said.

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

_AN: No, Gaia is not a figment of Hitomi's imagination as well as it's not a metaphor. At least not in my book. And no, I don't think the idea of parallel worlds is entirely far-fetched either. I'm neither all-knowing nor arrogant enough to deny the potential existence of parallel dimensions or other planets populated by intelligent beings. Everything that's physically possible is liable to happen someday. Right?_

_Thank you for the reviews. I love you guys, thank you for keeping me on my toes!_

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	17. Crest

_Urgh. I caved in and split chapters, again. Else I would never have got anything posted. This just grew longer and longer and …Eh, well. 'nuff said. Ready for chapter seventeen? _

_**Disclaimer**__**: The series 'Visions of Escaflowne' and its characters have been created by Kawamori-sensei. By writing this story I do neither claim nor wish to call in question any part of his intellectual property concerning the 'Escaflowne'- universe. **_

_**I do not gain any material profit from this activity; the only advantage fanfiction writing secures me is vacuuming my mind of rampant plot bunnies and thus preserving my sanity. **_

_**Kawamori-sensei's intellectual property notwithstanding, the construction and course of this particular plot are results of my own imagination. **__**Yukari's baby**__** and **__**the officer**__** are original characters created by yours truly, so please respect my rights concerning them and do not unrightfully blame Kawamori-sensei for their pesky existence. **_

_**Minors and readers with a sensitive or overly imaginative mind will in addition please take heed to the following warning: **_

_**This story contains scenes giving explicit descriptions of sexual acts between consenting adults, however, the authoress' preferences forbid the usage of nose rings, bondage gear as well as the procreation of assbabies. The authoress declines responsibility for every and all sexual acts committed under influence of this story and would like to remind all readers that unproteted intercourse may lead to unwanted pregnancies as well as infection with Sexually Transmittable Diseases. **_

_**I would now like to take the chance of thanking those few readers who have not yet been thrown off by this preface and wish them a pleasant ride. Please switch off your mobile phones, fasten your seatbelts and move the backrest of your seat into an upright position. Thank you for flying Air Akari.**_

* * *

**Colours **

Chapter 17

_Shimmer_

by akari

* * *

**M**onday, October 2. The digital clock on the dashboard of the Ushidas' family car switched from eleven fourty-one to eleven fourty-two a.m. Almost noon. 

Indonesian police were still looking for the culprits behind the recent bomb attack on one of the country's most popular holiday resorts.

The Japanese prime minister was about to receive an official visit from the German Chancellor; both heads of state were planning to sign the newly negotiated treaty on future technological cooperation between their countries.

The vineyard was still spreading rumours about the possible release of a new album by Maaya Sakamoto.

Weather forecast had announced rain and heavy winds for the early evening; however, temperatures would in all probability not drop below freezing point.

Today's newpapers were filled with the perpetual mixture of politics, gossip and trivialities. Nothing spectacular had happened and life went on as usual.

Same old, same old, right?

Nothing of this was going to affect the everyday life of normal people. By tomorrow, today's events were going to be forgotten or stored away in some obscure archive, never to be looked at again.

Thousands of people lived their life without paying attention to what happened around them. Nobody cared to notice or even remember, trusting that life was going to continue from day to day, in the same pace, in the same pattern. Trusting that there would be a tomorrow.

It was infuriating. What if something like 'tomorrow' didn't exist? What would they do if they suddenly died with no lasting impression, no memory left of this world to take to the afterlife?

What would they do if they were taken away from everything that was familiar to them? Swallowed by a pillar of light, transported through time and space to a place that was at best hundred thousands of kilometres, at worst an entire dimension away? What would they do if they knew that they were never going to return, not in this life, not in the next?

Would they shrug carelessly and move on without a second thought?

Or would they look around, trying to memorize the swirling grey of a cloudy sky, the hissing sound of traffic on its way to the expressway and the smell of fish wafting over from the vending stalls on the docks?

Would they attempt, in those few minutes they still had, to commit to memory all aspects that have left an impression on them, influenced them in any way, formed their character or led their way to where they were now?

Would they experience fear in the face of the unknown they were about to enter?

**I** stared at blank faces swimming past the windows of the car that was inching towards the expressway and my mood grew increasingly dark.

"As opposed to me, _you _can stay where you are," I thought peevishly, "Don't take everything for granted, you ingrateful--"

Something touched my hand.

"Having misgivings so soon?" Van murmured.

Had I just said that, out loud? Judging from his rather forced smile, I had. Aw, crap.

"I didn't mean it like that," I interjected hastily, "I didn't say I wanted to stay here! Of course I'm coming back with you!"

Van didn't look convinced.

"I understand," he said quietly and looked the other way, "We are not obliged to return to Gaia today. If you need more time, we will wait until you are ready to leave."

A voice in my mind spoke up. Come on, say it!

How easy would it be to take him up on his offer and delay the inevitable for just another day?

There was no need to plunge headlong into the cold water; he was holding the door, emblazoned with the letters E-X-I-T, wide open for me. All I had to do was draw my eyebrows together plaintively, tell him I was not sure I could bear leaving right now and thank him for being so considerate.

How simple would it be to take his words at face value?

To overlook balled fists, shoulders straining against his coat and the pointedly averted glance of a man who was barely able to veil his anxious wish to go home and ensure his country and his people were safe?

This was our ninth day on this world, who knew how much time had passed on Gaia? Nine days? Eighteen? Thirty-six? Three hundred and sixty-five?

What was worse, a short moment of queasiness or twenty-four hours of torturing uncertainty?

What was better, making a painful decision for oneself or burdening someone else with it?

I smiled. There used to be times in which he'd showed strength to allow me to be weak. I wouldn't ask him to do it again. Not this time, love.

"What are you talking about? Don't you want to go back? We have the festivities to prepare, you have a country to rule and I've got patients to treat; we can't afford to stay another day! I can't believe you just said that …unless …," here I managed to let just the right amount of incredulity creep into my voice, "…you want to?"

His head snapped around.

"Do you have a long-standing appointment on Gaia, Hitomi? I do not think one day more or less will make any difference."

_Do not think your charade fools me. You cannot lie to save your life, I know your heart too well. You do not want to go. _

"Our business here is finished, Van. There is no need to prolong our stay."

_So what? We still need to return to Gaia. You need to return to Gaia. We will have to leave at some point, so why not now? _

"You are still very fragile, love, and the transport is exhausting."

_Because I can see that you are sad. When we leave, you will probably never be able to come back. I want to keep you from making a decision you will regret. _

"Trust me on this, Van, I feel fine."

_We've been through this, love. I appreciate the fact that you act with the best of intentions and do whatever you think is best for me, but the way you're talking makes me think I am unable to take responsibility for myself. Let me decide what is best for me. If I want to gain strength I'll have to take the risk of getting hurt, won't I?_

"Hitomi---"

"Van," I interrupted him firmly, took his hand and cupped his cheek. The ever-present will to take charge, to fight and protect, imparted his wine-coloured irises with an aggressive sheen. Again I marvelled at the strength of his heart, his willpower and his principles. Relenting in a case in which he believed one of his protégés in danger equalled treason.

What he needed to learn was to differentiate between matters of death and trifles, between black and white. He didn't need to protect me of anything. A heavy blow sometimes gave one's life a new, better direction. Pain turned out to be beneficial.

A great loss sometimes ended up yielding a valuable prize.

"Let's just go home,okay?" I murmured. Home to that war-ridden planet. Home to quibbling cattle-dealers and council meetings for him, home to grumpy patients and finicky court protocol for me, home to quiet hours by the fireside for us both, nightly meetings on the rooftop and secretive kisses in dark corridors.

Memories of the latter caused the corners of my mouth to twitch. Yes, a valuable prize indeed – and who knew how much better it was going to get?

I squeezed my eyes shut bashfully, but a stealthy grin fought its way onto my lips. As soon as I'd regained control over my features I met his eyes again, but the belligerent expression had vanished and in its stead he wore a shadow of the same smirk I'd just suppressed. As soon as he spotted me watching him, however, the smile morphed into a serious, but kind expression.

"If you are sure that this is the right decision, I will not insist we stay, " he said quietly, "I would be very glad to have you back on Gaia and in my custody."

"I said that I wanted to go back," I whispered, "and that wasn't a lie. To me, Gaia stands for you. I prefer it to any other place."

He lowered his face, nodded once and was silent. I took that as a sign of relentment and breathed deeply. Something of the apprehensiveness I was feeling in my stomach dissolved. There was no turning back now and somehow, mysteriously, the knowledge made me feel much better about the whole situation.

**T**he track was laid out for me, all I had to do was follow it. This was what I'd always been best at. I was crouching low, feet propped against the starting blocks, waiting for the cue to jump up and pour every ounce of strenth into getting where I wanted to.

I'd keep fighting for my place at Van's side and take care of him, distract him when he was working too much, muddle up his timetable when he was stressed and kiss him senseless when his pig-headedness showed too much.

I would continue learning to keep my temper in check, assess and weigh my options and make the right decisions. I'd stop being self-centred, I'd strive to understand and honour the feelings of others. I'd ask before I drew conclusions. I'd think before I spoke.

I'd become a woman who'd be able to stand in front of a mirror and look at her reflection without any trace of self-disgust.

In a few hours we'd be back on Gaia. The race was about to start.

With another sigh I leaned back and closed my eyes. The constant hum of the motor was annoyingly loud, causing me to almost wistfully think back to serene and quiet Fanelian nights. Still, I should try to get as much rest as possible. I squeezed my lids shut and took deep, regular breaths to lull me into relaxation.

-

--

---

**A**s the car rumbled over a bump on the road I was jerked awake. Had I fallen asleep? For how long?

A quick glance at my watch showed me that I had been dozing for nearly an hour. Outside the landscape around us had changed significantly. It looked like we had exited the expressway a while ago and were now moving on noticeably worse roads. Houses and people had become scarce now that we were headed towards the uninhabitated hills, but that was exactly what we were aiming for.

Seeing as the appearance of the transport beam had caused quite a stir in the neighbourhood, Van and I had agreed that it would be advisable to retire to some remote place for starting our endeavour to return to Gaia. Since three boxes, a rucksack and my duffle bag, filled to the bursting, would have made travelling awkward, Yukari had thankfully offered to drive and see us off.

It had taken me some time to talk Van into entering the car. His deeply-rooted mistrust against mechanical means of transportation that were not of Yspano origin was understandable, but didn't help matters. In the end I had succeeded and we had settled on this day for leaving, packed the car and headed off very early in the morning to be sure to reach the spurs of the Abukuma mountains around midday.

Rice paddies and, some time later, grass and forest trailed by the windows. Yukari was quietly humming to the music coming out of the radio and I slid back into a contented state of drowsiness until Van touched my arm and said in a subdued voice: "Do you think we have gone far enough?"

I shrugged.

"No idea. I don't even know where we are."

"The sun is high in the sky; we have been travelling for half a day," he explained and made a vague motion towards the window, "This place looks deserted and the trees and the hills will shield us from view. There is no reason why we should go any further."

After a moment of hesitation I nodded and leaned towards Yukari.

"Van reckons we should stop here and see if we can trigger the transport beam. What do you think?"

"Well, I'm not an expert in matters of creepy blue light, so I wouldn't know," she replied breezily, "but there doesn't seem to be a soul around here, so if you don't want anybody watching, this place seems to be perfect. I'll stop and park the car."

"Thank you," I said meekly and reclined in my seat while the car slowed down.

Yukari left the road, pulled into a narrow path that had probably been laid out for rangers, and brought the car to a stop. Van and I climbed out of the seats and I didn't miss the relieved expression that was washing over his face as his feet touched solid ground.

"**W**hat is that?" I mocked him, "Escaflowne's pilot is motion sick?"

"Hey!"

I grinned like a crocodile and wrenched the trunk open to unpack our stuff.

"What? You were the one who liked to fly at breakneck speed and tell Meruru and I to stop fussing or you'd throw us off in mid-air."

"You would not stop complaining. I merely meant to make you shut up," he argued sullenly and lifted the heavy duffle bag out of the back of the car. "Ooof. Remind me to tell Yone to assign another chamber to you for storing all your belongings."

"Well, I could always move in with you. You have five rooms," I teased him and he flushed and cast me a harassed look.

"That is not possible and you know it. How about this bag?"

"No, leave it, that's Yukari's first aid kit. There, that's all. Do you mean to say that we will never get to live together?"

My voice was sounding unconcerned as if I'd just made a good joke, but deep down inside I anxiously awaited his answer. I didn't dare look at him, so I occupied myself with slamming the lid of the trunk shut. Behind me something heavy thudded to the floor and a moment later both his hands settled themselves on my shoulders.

"I did not say that to anger you," his voice was soft, "Things like this are considered to be highly improper. Allen might have had no qualms letting people think that you were just a fling, but I will not suffer anybody to think meanly of your honour."

"For the record, he was trying to protect me. If someone had found out I was from the Mystic Moon, I would've been done for," I murmured, only slightly satisfied by his explanation, "besides, you didn't worry so much for my virtue in that temple and when we were visiting the wolf people."

"Ruhm's village is not the Fanelian court, love. Look, " he continued slightly impatiently as I inhaled to argue, "can we please stop discussing this matter? This is neither time nor place to talk about such things."

He cast Yukari a quick look out of the corner of his eye and I sighed irritably.

"She doesn't understand your language, Van, and I still want you to explain."

He gave me a pointed look that I reciprocated defiantly. The expression in his eyes told me that I would either have to drop the matter or prepare for grim resistance. Why was he so obstinate now when shortly before we had come to such a good understanding?

For Heaven's sake, I only wanted to know where we were standing as a couple! Where were we headed? I was sick and tired of all this treading on eggshells, cryptic comments and procrastinating. Damn, I thought we were past that stage!

"Hey!"

And yet we needed to return to Gaia. We didn't have time for another confrontation.

"Hey!"

I twitched as a shadow crossed my line of vision. Instinctively I whipped around, lifted my arm to block any possible attack, my eyes looking for and finally locating the 'attacker'.

"Easy there, I wasn't going to attack you," an exasperated voice said. "Snap out of it already!"

Yukari! She was standing next to me, the hand she'd waved in front of my face still raised and with a partly annoyed, partly nonplussed expression written all over her face. The last of our boxes was standing at her feet as if she's just put ot down. How long had she been waiting?

She gave me an odd look, leaned back on her hips and drew her eyebrows into a worried countenance.

"Aw, no, don't say I've interrupted your ritual or something. Did I?"

Ritual?

"You were going to conjure up this blue light, weren't you?" she asked resignedly and turned towards Van, "I'm sorry. Really."

I shook my head vehemently to shake off the stupor Van's and my latest argument had thrown me into.

Of course. Gaia. Transport beam.

"Er… yeah. Sort of," I said vaguely, cast Van a quick glance, saw pursed lips and a set jaw and quickly decided to let the matter drop for now. There were more important things we had to worry about.

"We will talk about this later," I murmured to him and continued, for Yukari's sake, in a louder voice, "Do you reckon we should move deeper into the forest, just to make sure the beam won't damage the car or anything?"

His eyebrows shot towards the hairline, but as he answered his voice was devoid of indignation. He, too, seemed to have come to the conclusion that now was a bad time to insist on making his point. That he yielded didn't, however, cause me to give in to the illusion that he'd be willing to yield in the matter concerned. The dispute was only to be postponed, not cancelled completely.

I had to prepare for a hard fight, but I was willing to chance it. This hesitancy was another condition I was by no means willing to endure for much longer.

"I do not think we will be able to foresee where the beam is going to appear," Van said and I forced my thought back to the task at hand. "Think of last time when it appeared in the courtyard. We may as well stay where we are. Come."

I nodded and cast Yukari who was still frowning and looking sceptical an apologetic glance.

"Don't mind us, we were just dicussing how to go from here," I explained hastily. "Anyway, we're going ahead now. Don't worry about any supernatural happenings. When the blue light appears, try to stay out of the way. None of us can tell what's going to happen. Now that I think of it it'd probably be best if you stayed in the car."

"Okay" she replied and I turned around to walk towards Van. "But…," her voice caused me to halt in my tracks, "You will say goodbye properly before you go, won't you?"

**T**here it was again.

That high, jingling timbre in her voice that revealed how much her bravado, her snarky attitude and caustic remarks were just a façade to hide how insecure she felt about the whole situation. Nobody knew her disposition better than I did. There was no need to remind myself of the time when we had both been infatuated with Amano and of the fact that she had been able to hide her own feelings for him from me for months.

Sometimes it was easy to forget that my brave, sarcastic Yukari had her moments in which she felt helpless and wanted reassurance. It was just my bad luck that this notion occurred to me now, in a moment in which I wasn't too sure I was in a position to give her what she needed.

I turned around, stepped up to her and trailed the knuckles of my hand across her cheek. She was looking at me with a grimace and said defiantly, "I'm not getting mushy, you know."

"Yes," I replied, grimly determined to attempt to soothe her, but in reality straining to suppress the niggling in the back of my mind that insisted I had much better stay for another week. For her. And for me. After all, we didn't fix the day when we'd be back and parting from Van last time had been the worst idea of my life and this time the return would be for good and was I really sure I'd be able to live all on my own, in a strange environment, among strange people with strange customs?

I forcefully shoved these consideration to the side. Useless doubts. I knew how to deal with stagefright; this was no more than any other track race. A little longer perhaps, and a little more difficult. The outcome would only affect my whole life and…

Ack! Stop!

I took a deep breath and answered as lightly as I could.

"We can't turn back time and things can't continue like they used to be. This is the best solution. I won't need to push my bad conscience and you won't have to push yours."

She shuddered faintly and I hoped desperately that she would not start to cry. Already my lips were trembling and lids burning, although I fought back any onslaught of weakness with all my power. However, if she started shedding tears, I wasn't sure I'd be able to hold back.

"Besides, it's not like anything will change at all," I plowed doggedly on. "Even if I staid, we would live so far from each other that we probably might not see each other for a long time. Think of how little we have seen of each other during the past years and how we haven't talked for the whole time while I was on Gaia,"

"True," she muttered and visibly straightened up. "I was just thinking about reasons for learning not to neglect one's friends when said friends are no longer there. A little pointless, don't you reckon?"

Oh, thank the Gods! Yukari's voice sounded muffled, but thankfully not tremulous anymore. Therefore my subsequential snort of laughter was true. A huge part of it was triggered by sheer relief that the conversation was moving onto lighter territory and was giving me less and less substantial reasons not to leave, but the smaller part was just sheer amusement because of her wry sense of humor. I'd miss that.

Then again, I'd have Meruru. And Yukari would have other friends. We'd be okay, both of us.

"I won't even be able to call you unless you have a satellite phone!" she now added as an afterthought and I was only too glad to join in the bickering.

"I'm afraid not. Though, if someone invents a satellite phone that can reach through the dimensions, I'll get you one of them and expect you to call on a daily basis to make up for you negligence. Keep that in mind."

"You are going to regret making me promise anything," she replied warningly and I secretly agreed. That way we would always remember how we failed each other by not even picking up the receiver and calling each other. However, if I ever wanted to learn to be a better person, I would have to remember all the times in which I had messed up – at the cost of having any of these failures wedging themselves into the recesses of my mind, never to be forgotten or suppressed. From now on one of these grains of sand was going to carry Yukari's name.

"I'll do it anyway," I said seriously, "You're not the only one who has a thing or two to learn."

Yukari looked as if the corners of her mouth had risen to smile, but lost their courage halfway and decided to head back.

A cold lump formed in my stomach. The scene was practically screaming a tearful, melodramatic _goodbye, _throwing us into each other's arms, crying, wishing luck, eternal happiness and many children and me proceeding to ride into the sunset as a poor lonesome cowboy a long way from home and damn, I didn't want that! I was sick and tired of all this drama.

"Get into the car, please," I whispered and turned my face to the side, "As soon as the pillar appears the situation is safe for you to come back out. Or you could just .. drive on. If you will. I mean, there's no use waiting, we'll be off shortly. Say 'Hi' to Amano for me and…Mairi and --- stuff."

To my relief she gave no answer. She reached for my upper arm, very slowly and deliberately, wrapped her fingers around it carefully, squeezed once, let go after a tiny moment of hesitation, turned and strode off.

A door closed with a clunk. Air whooshed out of my lungs. This was it.

**I** pivoted on my heels and set one foot in front of the other. Van was waiting for me next to the pile of luggage lying pell-mell on the ground. He was who I needed to get at, so I focussed on him and blended out everything else and reached for his hands to anchor me so I didn't try to do anything stupid like run away.

Warm skin wrapped around my fingers.

I gasped. In a dizzying rush, life energy pounded into my conscience, almost causing me to stumble. An overwhelming sense of urgency flooded my mind and drowned my lethargy under a gurgling, boiling vortex of agitation, anxiety, impatience, frustration.

It was like being doused with icy cold water. I was wide awake, mind no longer foggy, things coming back into focus.

What I felt? What I wanted? What I was afraid of?

No longer of any importance. All notions yielded, had to yield to a single, predominant idea, a vital necessity.

Get him back to where he belongs.

The track was laid out.

"Thank you for waiting," I said as gently as I managed and received a light squeeze of his fingers in return as a sign that he'd understood my dilemma.

"If my assumption is correct, we will have to concentrate on our destination," he said, his tone an undercurrent of upset under a smooth surface, "I think it is a strong wish that triggers the transport beam. Last time it appeared you were thinking of this place, were you not?"

I nodded mutely. How could I have forgotten the inner turmoil that had accompanied that day? It was always the wish of being somewhere else that set things in motion.

The wish of being _anywhere_ but here.

_My_ wish of being anywhere but here.

My wish of being anywhere but _here_.

I bit my lip. I could do this.

My rational side knew that there was no alternative. We had to go back. During my talk with Yukari I had invalidated several good reasons to stay and brought up even more why I should go.

These reasons were strong enough to trigger the pillar of light, weren't they?

Stray thoughts crossed my mind, nibbled at and frayed my determination like ravens picked at a carcass. Would the last shred of queasiness, the lingering shadow of a doubt in my mind be enough to cut off our way back? This feeling of … uncertainty … that threaded through my thoughts was nothing more than stagefright, right?

Pressing my lips together I summoned every ounce of willpower I possessed and poured it into one command.

_Take us back to Gaia. _

Nothing happened.

Not enough.

Obviously I needed to make more of an effort.

Grimly I fought down the churning in my stomach, grabbed Van's hand tighter and closed my eyes, willing myself to think of Gaia and picture its forests, lakes and mountains. The mental image of Fanelia City entered my mind, sitting snugly in its glen, embraced by the steep and barren slopes of the surrounding mountain range, looking forbidding and aloof at the first glance, but warm and welcoming at the second just like its inhabitants. I saw the bulk of the palace presiding over a cluster of houses, streets and people like a hen sitting on its nest. I saw my room with its cosy bed and huge balcony from which the view was splendid. I saw the familiar faces of Meruru, Allen, the wolves, my colleagues and the members of the Court.

A warm blanket of familiarity wrapped around my heart.

Yes.

This was where I wanted to be.

_Take us back to Gaia._

I was concentrating so hard that the pounding in my ears threatened to overwhelm me. Eyes still squeezed shut I fought to keep my heartbeat under control. The rushing noise subsided --and was replaced by the rustling of wind in the foliage and the chirping of birds.

The tell-tale crackle failed to appear.

A sinking sensation spread in my stomach.

I let out a cry of exasperation.

"Appear, dammit!"

"Hitomi," Van reprimanded and tightened his hold on my arms.

"But it doesn't work! Why doesn't it work?" I hissed angrily and balled my fists. Once again his fingers tightened around my wrists and pulled me towards him so that my forehead fell against the hard plane of his chest.

"It does not matter, Hitomi, stop working yourself up," he ordered, voice reverberating against my temple, "we will find a way. Let us return and wait for a few days. It is no use trying in your current state of mind."

I was so preoccupied with my momentary failure that I didn't immediately realize what he was saying. When I did, I froze.

My current state of mind? Wait for a few days?

"Wait," I said and struggled against his grip until he let go of me. One glance into his face confirmed my suspicion. His countenance was even and seemingly unaffected, but his eyes were brimming with an inner turmoil.

Strangely enough, his hesitation fuelled my determination.

"Oh, no, Van. No. Don't you dare imply that this is my fault and that I'm not ready to return. We have talked about this. We are going back. Give me a few moments of rest and I will try again."

"No, you will not," he replied quietly and added, just before I could open my mouth to protest, "I do not blame you, Hitomi"

Too quietly. Too calm, too composed. The lower lip jutting just a bit, not yet tense, but close. Anger had not completely taken over, but the twitching of muscles in his chin was a harbinger of his slowly growing and consuming cold fury, the only feeling he was able to channel his panic and anxiety into.

The warning signs were obvious.

A cold fist gripped my heart and squeezed it into a crumpled ball the size of a pinhead.

If I didn't take any action now, I was going to witness the resurrection of the Van Fanel I had met five, no, nearly six years ago, the Van Fanel who had killed Dilandau's soldiers and who had faced off against Abaddon a couple of months ago.

"During the past days you have been through a lot of emotional strain," he said in a low voice, "the fact that you feel more secure in a familiar environment is a natural…"

"It's not!" I bellowed more forcefully that I should have and he twitched irritably, "I'm going to take us back. Stop calling my loyalty into question."

His eyes flashed and I started to lose my nerve. The situation was growing worse by the second. The transport beam was not appearing. Slowly, but surely Van was getting consumed by his own volatile temper. Aside from the fact that I was losing inch by inch of the valuable progress we had made in our relationship, he was getting more aggravated by the second and an upset Van was as unpredictable and as dangerous as a caged beast.

Could I be sure that the brunt of his ire would not hit me?

Panic and bile rose in my throat. Couldn't he just save his tantrum for another time when I wouldn't be so freaking preoccupied with saving our skins? Did he have to snap when the last thing I needed was any kind of distraction, much less anything that frightened me?

I've had enough. I didn't want all this ballyhoo. I just wanted to be left alone.

Without my doing my fingers curled themselves into the collar of Van's shirt and I heard myself yelling at the top of my lungs "I'm trying to take us back home, idiot, stop making such a fuss! Home, understand?"

For a moment everything was still. Van kept staring at me open-mouthed and with eyes roughly the size of coins, clearly scandalized by anybody screaming into his face like that.

Even the wind seemed to be holding its breath.

Still no reaction.

Uh-oh. Had I just --- shouted at Van?

Tension was coiling up and became so thick that it made the fine hairs on my arms and legs stand on end. I could have sworn I'd even heard a faint crackle in the air like small bursts of electric energy.

I had shouted at Van. Oh, Gods, that couldn't be good. This was Van, after all. King Van Fanel of Fanelia. One didn't shout at kings. One didn't shout at Van, he hated it --- Oh shit. What if my insolence had spurred his anger instead of stifling it?

Annoyance faded away and bled into anxiety. I peered at Van's expression ---

--- and very nearly laughed out loud in relief.

Gobsmacked he did look, yes, affronted, sure, but his eyes! His eyes were clear and as dark as old wine. Apparently the shock of being shouted at had cured him of his momentary spell and reverted him back to the young man I loved. A very dismayed young man, to be sure, but he no longer threated to become the killing machine I had feared.

The crisis was over.

I reacted quickly.

"Now look what you've done," I grunted and slapped his upper arm lightly, earning myself another appalled look. "You freaked me out so much that we are both electrically charged. Look, your hair is standing on end --- Wha…?!"

Right at this moment hell broke loose.

BOOM!

Blinding light, accompanied by a cacophonic roaring, deafening crackling and hissing erupted all around us. Strong gusts of wind whipped our clothes and hair around, sucked small branches and leaves towards the ghostly apparition that was now building up close by and hurled them high into the air in a destructive cyclone.

In the middle of all that mayhem we stood and stared, unbelievingly, at the spot where a pillar of light grew into the sky, became wider and wider until it filled half of the clearing.

And somehow, miraculously, the rock that fell from my heart at the thought of being able to return to Gaia was so heavy that it buried the wiggling butterflies of apprehension deeply under rubble and dust.

I turned to Van, saw his awed expression, dramatically lit by a flickering, cold shine that cast harsh shadows onto the planes of his face and caused his tan skin to appear as pale as ghost, felt his relief washing over my nerves like gales of rain and sweeping any emotion other than wild triumph away in its current. Hysterical laughter was cackling in my ears and I needed a few moments to find out that it came out of my mouth.

Seconds later I found myself running towards the light.

_-_

_--_

_---_

**U**sing the transport beam was definitely not my favourite way of travelling. I saw nothing, heard nothing, felt no cold nor warmth. The lack of orientation made me feel nauseous as I was floating in nothing, carried by an unfathomable energy towards an unfathomable destination that I hoped would turn out to be Gaia.

The speed with which I was hurled through time and space was increasing. So was the rushing of air in my ear until I was feeling dizzy and disorientated.

Hopefully our journey was coming to an end soon.

It was with great relief that I noticed the blinding light becoming stained by shadows and my senses returning bit by bit. Soon I could make out indistinct human voices amongst the all-encompassing crackling of the apparition.

There was a tense moment during which I felt like falling freely, then I suddenly had stable ground beneath my feet. A slight jolt went through me as my body, tricked into believing it would have to catch my weight, curled into a ball, but I managed to keep my balance and lifted my head to see where I had landed.

The blinding light was already gradually dimming into a slight haze that shone like a halo. It revealed a lanky figure with tousled hair as well as several large lumps that thudded to the floor before fading into nothing.

Van. Thank God.

I let my eyes adjust to the new lighting conditions before I stirred to have a look at our surroundings.

It was dark, but not too dark for me to spot the familiar shape of the watchtower on the horizon, perched on a precipice from which one could overlook the whole valley. This was where I'd received my first lesson in Fanelian geography. Automatically I turned around to make sure that the bulky silhouette of the Fanelian Castle, Van's and, as of lately, my home, with its many towers, turrets and crests was looming over us.

It was. I let out a breath I didn't know I'd kept.

After my return to Fanelia city I had immediately latched onto the fact that it looked more like a fortress than anything else. Upon reconstruction, Van had gone for usefulness rather than representative value and I'd kept badgering him about it endlessly. By that time I would probably never have guessed that right now, in this situation, its martial silhouette made me feel safer and more sheltered than any fancy palace.

A loud crash cut through the night air and, on instinct, I jumped to Van's side, just in case.

The large, double-winged entrance gate burst open and spewed a sizeable number of people into the courtyard.

"Mylord!"

Hurried steps and the clinking of armour and weapons announced a group of members of the palace guard. Some of them carried torches and their flickering glow lit many relieved faces.

"Just in time, Mylord, only two days…"

"…worried you would not be able to …"

"Rumours have been spreading that…"

"… you'd been killed or gravely injured …"

"... the Anti-Royalist movement …"

Next to me Van tensed up, but before he could say something, a sharp command rang across the courtyard, effectively subduing the din.

"Silence!"

Soldiers snapped to attention. The officer-in-command, recognizeable by his golden helmet, shoved himself through the cluster of people and saluted before Van, panting.

"Thank Djedjija," he said with a strained voice, "you are safe. What---?"

"Did anything happen?" Van asked sharply and the man shook his head.

"No, Mylord. No incidents."

The tense knot in my stomach dissolved at this reassurance. I glanced at Van to see how he bore the news and watched, to my horror, his shoulder sag and his head sink onto his chest. He closed his eyes and for a short, panicked moment I thought he would collapse.

Worriedly I reached out for him --- and my fingers curled around nothing but empty air as Van's back snapped into a ramrod-straight posture again, shoulders straining against the cloth of his shirt.

"I'd like to hear your full report in my office directly," he said sharply. "Someone please take our luggage back to our rooms. Lively, now. Officer, if you please---"

He proceeded to stalk after the officer, head held high, chin tilted up, every in ch a king. Even his voice was as strong as if that short moment of weariness had been a figment of my imagination.

"Are you coming, Hitomi?" I heard him shouting over the courtyard as he disappeared with brisk steps into the shadows cast by the gate, leaving me staring after him dumbfundedly. I had not imagined him stumbling. Or had I?

Van called my name once more and with a resolute shake of my head I set one foot in front of the other. Later. I'd take care of him later, if there was going to be a 'later' for us that night.

**T**en minutes after that we were sitting in Van's study. A fire was roaring merrily in the fireplace, goblets of hot, bitter herbal infusion stood before each of us and Van and I were seated in comfortable chairs around the enormous desk, whereas the commanding officer of the palace guard stood at attention in the doorway.

"How long have we been away?" was Van's first question and the man's answer came promptly.

"Seventeen days, Mylord."

Seventeen days!

My breath hitched. As if sensing my movement, Van's hand snapped around my wrist in a steel grip. I started and looked at him askance, saw his warning glare out of the corner of his eyes and, with difficulty, refrained from saying anything.

The superimposed silence, however, didn't keep my thoughts from whirling around in my head.

Seventeen days! The celebrations were going to begin in three days! The first guests would be arriving soon and I'd only been halfway through the preparations when I left!

"I see," Van's calm voice disrupted my fretting. "What happened?"

His tone was still clipped, his expression unreadable. The man swallowed and replied hastily,

"Nothing of imminence, Mylord. After you were gone for three days, we dispatched a messenger to Astoria. Shezar was here within the day and took over."

Van nodded shortly.

"Has anybody become aware of our absence?"

"No, Mylord," the officer assured eagerly, "no breathing soul has been told, Mylord."

"Thank you," Van said curtly, "you are dismissed. I would like to speak to Shezar, please send him to me immediately."

The guard's heels clicked as he saluted once more, pivoted on his heels and marched out of the room.

The door closed with a resounding snap.

**I** rounded upon Van, my insides churning with irritation.

"What on Earth was that for, Van?"

His voice was no-nonsense and commanding, like that of a teacher.

"Do not show any kind of strong emotion when under scrutiny, Hitomi. Has not the experience with Abaddon shown you what happens if you do not have your feelings under check?"

"Well, I was shocked!" I defended myself, "That's not something anyone will be likely to take advantage of, don't you think?"

"It does not matter what kind of feeling it is that you experience," he replied briskly. "Showing emotions equals a lack of control. This is a weakness a leader is not supposed to betray."

"Oh, don't go playing Lone Wolf again, Van! He was your own soldier, not an enemy! I already told you what I think of your taciturn attitude, if you don't learn to rely on others --"

That is not the point, Hitomi," he interrupted me, "the point is that people seek reassurance and protection. They expect their leader to have full control over everything, even if there is nothing one can do about the situation. How are you going to impart them with a sense of security if your own nervousness or fear is showing clearly on your face and in your posture? Do you think anybody is going to trust you when you do not appear to be trustworthy?"

"It is unhealthy, Van. Think of Duke Chid, he was only a little boy, terrible things have been happening to him, his father died and yet, instead of crying and letting it all out, he swallowed and –"

"—and did what was expected of him, both as a sovereign as well as a host," he interrupted me. "Despite his young age he knew what was his duty and acted upon it. I was very impressed."

I inhaled to protest, but Van beat me to it.

"Those who are bearing responsibility cannot be selfish. The lives and well-being of those depending on them are based on stability and trust, so personal opinions and momentary relief must be sacrificed at all times. This is the price one has to pay for inheriting an exalted position in society. To be a leader requires absolute devotion and forfeiture of many principles."

He touched my knee and his voice grew urgent.

"Hitomi, this is important! No matter how sad, angry or helpless you feel, you must not betray what goes on inside your mind in public. You must not wear your heart on your sleeve."

"If this is what being a king involves, I'm happy I'll never be one," I said with conviction. "I'd rather be the poorest, lowest person in all of Fanelia than never to be able to share my feelings with anyone."

Van looked stricken. In fact, he looked as shellshocked as he had several years ago when he spotted Allen and me kissing.

"I did not know you felt that way" he said in a toneless voice.

Apparently something was wrong.

"Van," I began cautiously and tried to hold his gaze, determined to diffuse the situation, "We have been talking about this before and I never exactly hid my feelings on this matter. You know I never --- ,"

_Knock, knock._

For a second Van and I were left staring at each other, him with the same strangely dejected look on his face, me with my mouth hanging open. I hurried to finish the sentence,

"--- never approved of ---, "

when his expression suddenly shut down and became indecipherable.

"Come in," said Van peremptorily and turned away from me, leaving our latest disagreement hanging unsolved in favour of the duties he'd been bound to bear.

Again.

I let out a breath of exasperation.

**T**he door swung open. With a swish of his cloak, Allen Shezar crossed the threshold and bowed – and threw me into another mental uproar.

Allen. Not now. Not now of all times! He was butting in at the worst possible moment, he was stealing my time with Van, he was disrupting what was turning out to be an important argument. Was he _always _going to be the bane of Van's and my relationship?

I watched him beadily, taking in his pale face and stressed expression as he strode over to greet Van who was waiting for him eagerly. Had this been any other opportunity, had I been with any other person or had Van and I been talking about any other topic, I would have been thrilled to see him enter.

_Of course_ I was glad to see him. _Of course_ I was relieved to convince myself that he'd overcome the storming of Abaddon's hideout without suffering major injuries.

Of course I had a million questions to solve about his contradictory and illogical behaviour that involved kissing me and insulting Van one moment and throwing himself into the way of our persecutors to help us escape in the other.

Of course it had not been his fault that Van had summoned him to his room this moment.

It was not his fault that I had managed to find yet another point that unnerved me about Van.

It was not his fault that Van was such a stubborn jerk.

Yet it took all my resolve to stay in this room and listen to Allen's report. The urge to run and shatter something was rising by the minute. Who of the numerous Fanelian Gods had it in for me?

I rose to greet him, he gave me the curtest of nods without looking at me and immediately turned his gaze back on Van. Moodily I sat down in my chair, folded my arms across my chest and leaned back, determined not to let the entire evening go to waste and to at least hear what happened to Fanelia during our absence, watch his behaviour towards Van and myself and draw my consclusions.

"Please let me express my relief to see both of you in good health," Allen said with a subdued voice, "I have been extremely worried upon receiving information of your abduction."

Van motioned him to sit down and replied smoothly, "Forgive my sudden departure as well as my imposing on your time and energy. Please report, Shezar."

Allen lowered his head.

"Your absence has remained unnoticed by the majority of the population, Mylord," he said levelly. "I have informed the Council and the commanding officer immediately and we managed to prevent any rumours from spreading and causing a riot. I have ordered for the preparations to continue and believe that the main part of the work has been completed. You will be able to hold the celebration as planned."

"Thank you," Van said clearly, "you have rendered me an immeasurable service and have proven true loyalty towards myself and my country."

He cast the Knight Caeli a pointed glance to which Allen bowed very deeply.

Their little exchange piqued my interest. Gestures of mutual diplomatic goodwill like guarding someone else's castle and grounds during times of absence usually didn't warrant such an honorable mention – nor did formal gestures like saying 'Thank you' justify the exchange of solemn glances.

Van continued pleasantly, "I do hope you will stay to be our guest during the festivities," and leaned back to show that the serious part of the conversation was over.

Gratefulness? Nah. Van was usually formal, but not pompous. The stronger his emotions were, the more clear and unaffected his language grew. He wouldn't bother hide his thankfulness behind fancy words and he certainly wouldn't pretend to feel more or less than he really did.

"You are very generous, Mylord. I gladly accept, " Allen replied in much the same amiable tone and bowed again.

If Van said Allen had proven his loyalty, Allen must have done more than just taking over command over the palace guards for a few days. What could it have been? I'd been standing next to Van the moment he ordered to send for Allen. _If I'm not back in three days, call Shezar to take over contemporarily, _he'd said, nothing else, no underlying subtlety.

What was going on between these two?

With a sharp snap the door to Van's office fell shut. Allen had left the room and I was alone with Van. I waited until I could hear his footsteps disappearing on the corridor before I turned to Van and blurted out,

"What were you talking about?"

He gave me a politely puzzled look in return, but I knew him too well to fall for his pretense.

"Don't give me that look, Van, I saw your expression and how you exchanged glances. What are you two on about?"

"Nothing you should be worrying about," he said firmly, "this is a business that concerns only Shezar and I."

So there really _was_ something and he merely didn't want to tell me.

I frowned and inhaled to protest, but Van leaned forward and lightly touched my knee again to get my attention.

"It is of no use, Hitomi," he said in a friendly, but decisive manner, "the agreement between us is of confidential nature and I do not intend to betray his trust nor will he, I am sure, betray mine. There are some things you will be better off staying ignorant of."

Ouch.

This was the first time Van refused to tell me something I directly asked him for.

Forcefully shoving aside the twinge of injured vanity, I did some quick thinking.

If Allen was involved, there was a high probability that their 'agreement' was about me. The fact that Van didn't want to familiarize me with the details increased this probability.

What reason did he have for not telling me? Did he still think I had feelings for Allen? Didn't he trust me yet? What concerned him that didn't concern me?

And if this wasn't about Allen and me, why was Van so close-lipped?

Another glance at his face, however, showed me that any attempt to resume the argument was going to be futile. He had his jaw set and was now leaning back in a resolute manner that told me to excuse myself.

„I'm dead tired, I'm going to bed," I muttered dejectedly and felt his fingers brush my wrist in an almost apologetic manner.

"Ask Yone to draw you a bath," he murmured, "it'll relax you. Good night."

"Same to you," I whispered tonelessly and, without a backwards glance, snuck out.

What a rotten day. What an even worse night!

Had I not been so disappointed, his clumsy attempt at cheering me up would have amused me. However, in my current frame of mind it only served to increase my bitterness at the obvious dismissal that was accentuated by the dull thud of the heavy door falling shut behind me.

**I** was standing in an empty corridor that seemed to lead nowhere.

It was amazing how much this physical position resembled my current situation.

Why was Van always so hard to understand? Why was there no manual, why were there no pointers or guidelines to follow when it came to his behaviour? Whenever I thought I'd made some leeway to understanding his character, a new situation occurred and the man I loved suddenly shut down the blinds, literally speaking, and built several new defence mechanisms to block me out.

With an angry snort I snatched one of the lamps from its hook at the wall and started to scuff down the long, winding corridor towards my room. The hallways were deserted and no sound could be heard except for a few mutters behind corners now and then, but I paid no heed to them. My mind was elsewhere engaged.

I was almost one hundred percent sure that their 'agreement' related to me. My intuition had always been strong. So Van had dealt with Allen with respect to the nonexistent relationship I had had with him. He'd probably put Allen under pressure to keep clear of me. And he didn't want me to know.

Ripples of anger coursed through my stomach.

Hadn't I done enough to confirm that I was above suspicion? All the efforts I'd made during the past months, all the tests I've passed, were they not enough? I'd survived Abaddon, I'd fought against ghosts from my past, I'd carved out my niche at his court, what else did he expect of me to make him believe I was serious?

If he didn't place any trust in me, how was I going to prove myself?

All right, If I ever knew anything about him, I knew that Van didn't trust easily at all. He'd explicitely said so, too, he'd told me that he'd lost his faith in me. Sympathy, love, mistrust and trust, all these things could not be switched on and off like electrical light.

Even Isaac's Fate Generator had only been able to produce a poor imitation of these sentiments. Allen's 'love' for me had never really existed. Vanity, flirtation, friendship or possessiveness, yes, but love? So had my 'love' for Allen. I most definitely have had a crush on him, especially since he'd resembled Amano so much, but if I was honest, hadn't I long discovered by then that I preferred Van over any other man? Had I not been incredibly flustered and hurt about his insinuation that I be his 'power source' and slapped him into the next Millennium?

No, I had to wait for Van to regain his faith in me. _If_ he ever did. I had no entitlement to it, none whatsoever.

Oh, God, what if he never did? What if he staid as secretive, as reserved as he was now? Would it be possible to lead a stable relationship in which one partner didn't trust the other? Would I be able to bear so lopsided a love?

By the time I reached the double-winged doors leading to the small flight of rooms that belonged to me I had already argued myself into a corner. I felt like the last person on this world. Suddenly the old, nearly forgotten dilemma was getting its comeuppance.

Why had I been so eager to get back to Gaia? Had I underestimated my determination or my strength? Was I sure I could trust Van to trust _me_ at times and rise me into the position in which I longed to be: his lover and life partner? What if he didn't, could I ever be happy without him? Would I have friends or confidantes to catch me if that happened?

Why did I always seem to walk in circles?

Utterly dejected I slowed to a stop. I rose to my toes, fingered the upper edge of the door frame and started groping for my keys. Back when I'd moved in, I'd decided to hide a set of keys behind the planking so I wouldn't always have to carry them with me at all times. Having to wear long skirts was bad enough; I didn't want one of these broad leather belts with pouches attached to them on top.

The wooden tile slipped to the side and I reached behind it. Nothing. The tips of my fingers brushed the small hook I'd embedded into the wall, but the key ring that used to hang there was gone. I fumbled the surrounding tiles, the edge of the wooden beams – nothing.

Heart in my mouth I crouched down, lowered the flickering lamp and started scouring the dark wooden parquet. Had I forgot to lock the room before we left? But no, I'd left my room to talk to Van and to drop off my letter at the messenger office on the way to the roof. I was positive that I'd locked the door before I hurried away. Had I maybe taken the keys with me? My pockets were empty, had I lost them?

In another surge of alarm I grabbed the doorknob and pushed. Nothing happened. Of course not. Damn.

Now I not only had to find someone who unlocked my room for me, I would also be wondering whether someone found the keys and wanted to try and sneak in.

„Damn," I shouted again, kicked against the fractious door leaf and turned halfway around to walk away.

A movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention, I whirled around and ... the door slowly swung open.

An attack? My heart missed a beat and my body automatically curled defensively.

„**T**oo dim to enter a room properly, oh my," a familiar voice meowed, „and she also is an ill-tempered little bitch. Not exactly good marriage material, if you ask me."

A pair of green eyes were glinting cattily at me through the slit.

Blood shot into my cheeks.

„Have you stolen my keys, kitty?" I hissed, „just like you stole my pendant years ago?"

„Don't get your knickers in a twist, lady," Meruru retorted, „you hung them on the wall, everybody could've taken them. Be more careful with your things or don't complain."

„They were hidden behind the tiles," I grumbled, pushed into my room and closed the door behind me, „only a sneaky rascal like you could've sniffed them out. What are you doing here anyway?"

„Forgetful, our dear Hitomi, isn't she?" Meruru mused and inspected her claws. „You wrote me a letter."

„I know that."

„And did you really think I'd _not _come straight after reading that? 'I will give word when we're back so that you can pound me into the ground then', those were your own words. Why even ask a redundant question?"

„Oh, go on," I replied and lifted my chin, „I don't regret going and I definitely don't regret taking Van with me. If you knew how much..."

„I'm not mad at you for taking him with you," she interrupted me, "I would've done the same thing."

Her sudden admission threw me off-course. For a few moments I could do nothing more than blink confusedly.

„Oh, don't look at me like that," she snapped and turned around to walk towards one of the large windows. "It's the most natural thing in the world. When you're in love with someone, you don't want to be noble. You want to be with them and screw the rest of the world."

Her words fit my present state of mind so perfectly that I felt taken aback. Meruru had a propensity for blunt honesty and uncomfortable truths, but when had she become as insightful as she was now? She understood me as well as Yukari had, although she didn't know me as closely.

I really should stop underestimating her. She had proven that she was no longer an annoying, whiny little girl and had, by all intents and purposes, become a sensible, experienced woman --- and a potential good friend.

„Are you a mind-reader? You know exactly how it feels," I said, half admiringly, half in jest, to her back and watched her turn towards me, trusting her to be surprised at my unexpected praise, but altogether gratified. What I didn't expect were wet eyes and a quivering lip.

Huh?

„Of course I would, you pachyderm," she replied bitterly, „it's not like I haven't loved Van, too, have I?"

Oh, God, I'd forgotten! The elation I'd felt before quickly melted into horror at my own indiscretion.

I was the biggest blundering numbskull of all times.

„Sorry, Meruru. I'm so sorry," I moaned desperately, wishing myself into a mousehole, "I'm behaving like a bull in the china shop. Slap me, go on. Slap me for my insensivity. Come on, do it! Do your worst."

She stared at me, still teary-eyed, before stepping forward and raising her paw. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the blow. Meruru's claws made every slap a painful business, but since I had behaved like an ass, I deserved whatever she dished out.

Something touched my cheek and I twitched. The stinging pain, however, didn't come.

„I'm not going to hit you, stupid," Meruru's voice was very close to my ear as she spoke. I squinted at her as she was standing before me, still palming my face.

„I deserved it," I said meekly, „don't hold yourself back, you'll only make me feel worse."

„Stupid girl," she repeated, shook her head and withdrew.

Unbelievingly I took a glimpse at her through my fringe and watched her walk towards my bed onto which she flopped with the graceful elegance only cats inherit. There was no anger in her stance, in the way she moved. Why?

„If you think you've upset me with what you said, you overestimate your powers of speech," she explained dispassionately. „I've long been over him. I was just overwhelmed by the memory of what it had cost me to forget him."

Slowly I shook my head, open denial on the tip of my tongue.

Too obvious had been her adoration of Van that she'd never bothered to hide. Her 'Lord Vaaaaaan!', her tackleglomps, open jealousy and barely hidden protectiveness; nervous anxiety when he was in danger and exuberant joy whenever he graced her with a rare smile or a few kind words. Back when he'd sent her to Adom, she didn't want to leave him and flatly refused to go unless he explicitely ordered her to.

And what was it with that look, that last glance on the day when she'd got badly injured and stood on the brink of death? This unguarded glance that allowed me a glimpse of her heart as she told me to love him?

She loved him still. She had to.

"Stop that!"

I winced, rose my head and found myself staring into now very watchful, narrowed green eyes with slit pupils.

„W-what?" Urgh. Feeble cover.

„For sake of the Gods, stop moping, Hitomi, you're not on a funeral!" she said contemptuously. "I meant what I said, I'm fine!"

„You loved him."

"Yes, I did. Still do. Kind of. But…"

"Then don't talk as if it doesn't mean anything!" I nearly screamed in exasperation. "Cry, yell at me, hit me, do something. Why don't you _do_ something?"

„Because the world didn't end just because I didn't get what I wanted!" she hissed and I recoiled, surprised by the vehemence with which she spoke.

„Even if something doesn't go your way, there are always other things to look forward to instead. I've travelled a lot, I had my apprenticeship, have studied the history of my people – and now I have my tribe to look after. AND I still have Van, if not in the way I originally wanted him. That's a lot to live for. So contrary to you, I didn't try to pop my clogs. I looked ahead and found something else to fill my heart and occupy me."

This was exactly the way of speaking that pushed all my buttons and I bristled. Attack me and I'll retaliate. Lecture me and my defenses will be up in a flash. Use that insolent, belittling tone and my temper will flare up.

Only the knowledge that I owed her, in more ways than one, forced me to exert myself. I balled my fists to keep from jumping up, I bit my tongue --- and didn't reply.

Maybe it was the fact that I didn't argue that seemed to pacify her a little, because the fur on Meruru's face flattened itself almost immediately, her stance grew a lot less challenging and her voice calmer as she replied.

„You were right in assuming I had a hard time," she said harshly. "You can't switch love on and off. For several years it's been dawning on me that Van doesn't love me in a romantic way. It was hard to admit of that and even harder to realize that, after he met you, he wouldn't EVER love me like that. But I made it. I positively know I made it, so don't dare second-guess me. I'm over it. "

**I** wanted to shout. I knew. _Of course _I knew! How could I forget that hope was a two-edged sword, as much destructor as it was life-saver, depending on time and circumstances? Stop pretending my life has been smooth sailing, because it wasn't!

For a second time I held myself back. _Think before you speak. _

I knew the pangs of disappointed love as well as she did, didn't I? She was not the only one who'd suffered of heartache. What if I told her --

Then again --

Gods, this was absurd. Had I really just been thinking about entering some kind of quarrel who of us was unhappier than the other? What was that going to prove?

She was lovesick and I was with the man she used to be pining after, that alone should warrant my sympathy, both as a female and as a friend. She'd just opened her heart to me, so the least I could do was listen and be sympathetic.

Besides, there was no doubt as to who of us was worse off by far. I had Van, I was still living in Fanelia City and although it was true that the number of my duties kept increasing per day, they were still not worth mentioning as opposed to having been transplanted to a foreign place, being stuck amongst foreign and potentially hostile people and burdened with the responsibilities of a tribe leader, all that at an age in which many others had not even left school!

It was then that my bitter words died on my tongue.

I shook my head. Instead of making one high-minded resolution of the other, I'd better start acting like the adult I claimed to be.

"You're right. I'm sorry, " I said.

"Huh?"

"I said I'm sorry. Quit puffing up, will you?"

"What are you on about, Hitomi?" She appeared to be more unnerved than before.

"I'm apologizing for everything. For asking impertinent question. For not believing you. For bringing all this up. I am an insensitive bitch and I'm sorry. You win, I lose. Can we please stop quarreling now? I'm sick and tired of bitching at one of the few persons who I still have left of my previous life."

I could almost see the conflicting impulses to laugh, scream and slap her palm against her forehead chase each other behind her striped brow. I balled my fists so that my fingernails pierced my lifeline, but to my relief she finally setteled for nodding curtly.

"Apology accepted," she said. "I didn't come here for quarreling with you, anyway."

"No," I muttered sourly, "but it doesn't matter, since you probably came for knocking the stuffing out of me and I don't much fancy that either."

There was an almost kittenish expression on her face, past anger apparently forgotten, as she drawled, "Indeed, that's why I came for. The flippant tone of your letter merits nothing less. Any last words, lady?"

She nimbly got up, sauntered towards me with a menacing air and I squealed, jumped up and tried to bring the table between the two of us. She followed me relentlessly and soon had chased me into a corner of my room.

"Now, to business," she said gleefully, fingers curled into claws and outstretched towards my stomach. Breathlessly and with my blood rushing in my ears I leaned back as far as I could, but the stack of boxes in my back prevented me from escaping. Out of the corner of my eyes I recognized the luggage I had brought back from Earth and cursed myself for bringing so much stuff.

This was when the most marvellous idea hit me.

"Cards!" I shouted triumphantly and "What?" was Meruru's confused reply.

Her paws came to a halt inches before my collar.

"I said cards. You challenged me and it's my right to choose the weapon," I panted and inched my fingers towards the topmost box. "Let me get out my cards. We play a game of Blackjack and if you manage to beat me, I will surrender."

"Absolutely not," she growled, "Haven't you caused enough mayhem with those cards of doom of yours?"

"Not this kind of cards," I said hastily. "Just playing cards. Let me show you, you'll like it. Everybody plays it on the Moon of Illusions. It's a lot of fun, you'll see. I dare you."

She was still looking suspicious, but the proverbial curiosity was already lingering in those glinting irises.

"Very well," she finally meowed and retreated a step, "fetch that stuff and explain. It won't be of much help to you, since I'll crush you anyway. And this had better not be a trick, or I'll tickle you to within an inch of your life!"

"Not in your dreams! En garde!" I shouted threateningly and dove into my boxes to retrieve the pack of playing cards I'd brought along on a whim.

-

--

---

**A**n hour later Van, who came charging into my room with his sword drawn because he'd heard shrieking and scuffling, was gaping unbelievingly at Meruru and I, sitting in smack centre of a cluster of my belongings, decorated with a smattering of photos, playing cards, sesame bar wrappings and a bottle of Sake, wearing nightshirts and playing a game of Truth or Dare Mau-Mau.

He left the room looking sad and betrayed.

I couldn't find it in me to pity him.

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

_Thank you!_

_tat goat – Darkia – Inniyah – Inda – Ethereal Juliet – tigger093061 – Kida Satsuki – animeLCgrl – Vivacious Teapot – Shizuka-naTenshi – C.G Forever is Now – Blythe999 – Strawberryz – Crystal Twilight – Itallia – Daniela – Xishin – Nyah1 – rightnow – Dena – Drakan – robbie21 – love-zutara-love – Lia Lostsmile – hawkchic – becca – shinen77 - Cev_


	18. Shimmer

_I've given up. Prospective beta disappeared again, so I broke with my resolution and now post this unbeta-ed. Again. I'm so sorry. Any and all mistakes you might find are my fault alone; please don't hesitate to point them out to me. Thank you._

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Visions of Escaflowne characters; they belong to Kawamori-sensei and whoever he sold the rights to. I am borrowing them without explicit permission and torture them for my own sinister purposes, but this is merely fanwork with no profit whatsoever made or intended._

_**Warning: **This chapter contains erotic actions between consenting adults, please back away if you don't feel comfortable reading this._

_Have fun reading, I've let you wait long enough. Hopefully this chapter will make it up to you. On we go._

* * *

**Colours**

Chapter 18

Shimmer

* * *

**H**er voice was a constant jabbering in the background of my awareness.

"… can't believe how much he has improved; it's almost a miracle!" Meruru said over the clinking of silverware and dishes.

"Mmm..." My response came automatically, my eyes never leaving the steadily shifting crowd that pushed across the room.

Where was she?

"If I could, I'd get him out of here immediately; these stuffy, depressing rooms would make anybody sick," the chattering went on, "there's nothing wrong with him, really, he's just a little weak from lying around for too long. That's only natural, isn't it?"

"Mmmhm!"

"He'd be fine if they'd only let him out to play. Fresh air and a little sunlight would do him worlds of good; he's a young boy, for God's sake, and yet these people keep tying him to his bed! D'you reckon I should put a word into Van's ear about him?"

"Mmmh?"

"... Hitomi?"

"Mmmm."

"Bitch!"

Unexpectedly, a fist whizzed past my nose and landed on the table with a loud bang, causing my heart to leap into my throat and my head to jerk around.

Glowing eyes were glinting at me from the face of my very pissed-off opposite.

"He's _your_ patient I'm taking care of. The least you could do is show some interest," Meruru snarled.

"Woops?" I offered weekly and ducked the half-hearted swipe of her clawed hand. "Auugh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Only slightly mollified the feline harpy pulled back her paw and settled back onto the bench, still glaring. "What were you looking for anyway?"

"Yone," I muttered and turned my head towards the entrance of the cavernous kitchen, ready to dive under the table should the sturdy figure of the housekeeper appear in its opening.

"Haven't you seen her this morning?"

"Exactly," I said, "I've seen her yesterday. I've seen her today. I'm seeing her every waking hour of every day, because there is always something else she needs me to do. It's a wonder she let me come and eat a bite. There's no doubt she'll be back soon to keep nagging me. I don't appreciate being kept tethered. I've got places to be."

"In other words," Meruru's voice sounded gleeful, "you will shirk your duties and disappear from under her nose, a scant five hours before the oh-so-important, oh-so-posh reception begins, to pursue your very own sinister plans."

"Yep," I said, glad she had caught on so quickly. "I'm off to the hospital wing. I need to see my patients and a little peace of mind."

Her smile grew devious.

"I see. In that case you'll need to get going really quickly, because the person you wish to avoid is currently nearing the kitchens. I can hear the rattling of her keyrings and smell the weight of her responsibilites."

I was off the bench in a flash, moving backwards towards the door.

"You have not seen me," I warned the grinning cat woman, "and you have no idea where I might be. You don't even know who I am, or else ---"

"If you say so," she meowed and made a shushing noise with her paw.

Wordlessly I twirled around and dashed towards the back exit, an odd prickling between my shoulder blades from the knowledge that Yone might turn around the corner any moment and spot me.

A few steps still, a heavy-going handle, another leap across the threshold and then the wooden door closed behind me with a thud.

I broke into a long stride to bring as much distance between myself and my bad conscience as possible. It took merely a few minutes to climb the long, winding staircase to the ground floor. The prickling in my neck didn't subside until I reached the end of the narrow, empty passageway and dove into the main corridor.

As expected, it was shock-full of people.

Now, left or right?

"Oy!" someone shouted behind my back. I jumped aside just in time to avoid being run over by a flock of servants carrying bales of cloth, each as large as a ten-year-old child. They were probably going to drape the walls of the assembly room tonight.

These days, every single delivery was destined for the assebly room.

Tonight's reception was going to be an interplanetary event. The castle was positively teeming with people. Practically all of Gaia would come trampling into our Great Hall to celebrate the advent of the winter solstice, to talk, form useful acquaintances and refresh old ones, close deals, see and be seen, to dance, flirt and gorge themselves on the most magnificent buffet I had ever seen prepared in the kitchen dungeons.

The first guests arrived yesterday evening, bringing with them crowds of family members, associates, escorts and servants. More were yet to come.

Large quantities of servants had been hired temporarily to reinforce the regular staff and workmen; caterers and helpers were bustling about the place.

I'd be lucky to reach my destination anytime soon and even luckier if I didn't meet somebody who would try roping me into the preparations again.

I had to reach less populated sections as quickly as possible.

Okay. To the left, then.

I wove through bunches of people, sverved around the next corner, almost colliding with a crate of food, and dove into a side corridor.

The hospital wing was situated at the back end of the building, towards the gardens and at ground level, so I gave the main staircase a wide berth and kept to the left side of the complex.

Even in its new, practical and unembellished design, Fanelia Castle was a sprawling labyrinth of rooms, staircases and corridors. I didn't reach the more remote backwards wing of the castle until I'd walked for nearly twenty minutes.

Slowly, however, the passageways grew quieter and less crowded. Walls painted the green colour of fresh leaves announced my imminent arrival.

-

**I** breathed a sigh of relief. The quiet serenity of the living quarters was balm on my already frazzled nerves. How glad I was going to be once this to-do was over and forgotten.

Until next year, of course. How Van was able to stand this strain was beneath ---

--- what was _that_?!

Crack!

The crunch of booted feet on the stone floor. A low rumble of voices.

People.

As quick as a flash I pressed against the nearest wall, stood still and strained my ears. The tiltillating sensation running down my neck was back again.

Two persons.

The cadence of their steps was accompanied by the dry rap of a wooden walking stick hitting the hard ground and the discreet murmur of a low, brittle voice.

My stomach lurched.

Him? Again?

Yep. It had to be the head physician. No-one else still used that kind of old-fashioned wooden crutches.

I drew back into the shadows, squeezed into a niche and held my breath. With difficulties I resisted the tempation to shut my eyes.

_Don't look at me don't look at me don't …_

Gods, was I ever being childish!

Despite the fact that he had saved not only my life, back when I had been transported to Gaia half-dead, but also Van's on numerous occasions---

Despite the fact that he acted as my supervisor---

Despite the fact that he was the first who had made me realize how much of an egotistical fool I'd been ---

--- oh, all right, maybe it was _because_ of all those reasons that I staid away from him as much as possible.

I had not forgotten the strictures he'd given me. Far from it. They still resonated in the back of my mind.

_People who have so little regard for their life should not be entitled to all the pains we take to rescue them, don't you think?_

His presence alone called to mind the discomfort, the shame and dejection I felt back when he presented me with these uncomfortable truths. I'd behaved like an angry, spiteful tart --- and yet he had rescued me, brought me to my senses and provided the reason why I was now able to lead a happy life at Van's side.

I was indebted to him to an extent that I could never repay.

For that I couldn't forgive him.

I watched him walk past me, his irregular gait, the impressive crown of curly silver hair, pale eyes lying in the shadows, and wished for an instance of imperfection or weakness, anything that made him approachable. Wished for the strength to overcome my own pride.

Funny how it was just as difficult to acquit somebody of generosity than of wickedness.

His shadow – and the one of his companion, a visitor or a patient – wandered further down the corridor. The sound of their booted feet faded into the distance. They were gone.

I heard the click of a door being unbolted, then the quiet, cool voice of the physician murmuring something. A light tenor answered and I stiffened.

Hang on --- that was Allen Shezar.

What was _he_ doing here?

Carefully I peeked around the corner. Sure enough, a shiny curtain of blonde hair disappeared through the door held open by the old doctor.

Allen.

Was he hurt? Had he sustained an injury during the attack on Abaddon's fortress?

Impossible, an affliction of the kind that still needed treatment would have been visible, would have impaired his stance or the way he moved. I saw him right before my inner eye, how he was standing in the doorway on the evening Van and I had returned. Straight posture and effortless movements despite heavy armour.

No, no physical injury.

But then, what else was he doing here, of all places?

I edged around the corner and crept towards the closed door behind which the faint rumble of voices could be heard.

The mental image of a young cat girl appeared in my mind, unbidden, stamped with the big-lettered word 'sneaky'.

Smiling self-consciously I waved the vision aside. Desperate times called for desperate measures. After all, Allen was a close friend, nothing more, but nothing less either. If there was something amiss with him, I had to know.

Maybe I could help him, just as he'd helped me. That's what friends did, right?

Two more careful steps brought me to the dark wooden doorframe. The voices were more distinct now, but still difficult to make out.

"… similar … classical conditioning…," I heard the dry, brittle voice of the physician say and leaned closer yet, "basically it effects … influence on … subconscious … reaction to … stimulus."

Allen replied, "I see" After a short pause, then, "Can you remove it?" His voice appeared to be coming closer to the door and I shifted back a few inches.

I couldn't catch the physician's reply and whether it was an affirmative or a negative. However, as he spoke next, I caught the words "origin … influence?"

Intrigued, I leaned closer again. That's what I wanted to know as well. Funny, Allen had never made the impression of a man controlled, had he?

My ear touched the dry, cool surface of the wood as Allen spoke, " I can only guess as to the source of the influence, but a few years ago ---"

A hand fell onto my shoulder heavily.

Eep!

I whirled around to find a tutting and scowling Yone behind me.

_Aw, shit. _

She quietly shook her head, clamped her fingers around my upper arm and tugged me away from the door, away from the medical quarter. My cheeks were flaming, but she didn't give a comment other than a matter-of-factly "You have got to get dressed, M'lady."

Her dignified silence made me feel even worse.

Lady Hitomi of the Earth, snooping on Shezar like a gossip, what a pathetic picture of me this incident painted of me if word got around. Even worse, if word got to Van.

Oh, God, he'd take me for a disobedient child or worse!

With a covert glance to Yone's carefully blank expression I hoped she'd feel enough loyalty for me as to keep quiet about how she found me.

Furthermore, in the future nobody was ever going to catch me in as indignified circumstances as these. No more listening at doors.

In the future, I'd ... I'd find more discreet means of spying on people.

Yes, I _would_.

-

**I** let Yone herd me towards my sleeping quarters and let myself be scrubbed, bathed, anointed, squeezed into a corset and swathed in clouds of soft, shimmering cloth.

Yone herself was lacing me up, pulling strings and closing buttons at an almost frantic rate while at the same time serving me bites of information as to who was going to attend the event, who had excused themselves and why, and at which time supper was going to be served.

No doubt she was suffering under the delusion I wanted to know.

I couldn't care less as to who of the Fanelian cream I was supposed to be hob-nobbing with --- although I perked up upon mention of the name 'Stiliani of Derval'.

I did, however, care about the fact that I was expected to do so with a cleavage as indecent as I'd ever worn in my life.

"Is there a particular reason for me to have my breasts almost popping out of the neckline of this dress, or is that just a concession to the religious character of this occasion?" I asked as the head of staff finished tying my bodice and turned to dragging a comb through my still-damp, snaggled hair.

"Don't worry, M'lady, the dress fits as snug as a glove fits a hand and only enhances your proper, elegant way of moving," she replied evenly and I felt my eyebrows skyrocketing.

I knew the elderly housekeeper was not intimidated easily, but I'd never given her credit for that much wry humour.

"Your charms will in all probability be called for upon attending the Lord Chancellor of Mynar," she said cheerfully, swept my forelock back and pinned it to my scalp rather more briskly than strictly necessary. I bit my lip, refusing to utter a single sound of pain. "In fact," she then continued, "King Van wishes to ensure his vote in the Council of the Gaian Heads of State in favour of the international agreement on free trading he is planning to introduce."

I turned around disbelievingly.

"This is not one of these precarious secret agendas, is it?" I asked and saw, with no small amount of trepidation, an arch glint appear in Yone's eyes. Oh Gods, not again!

"As always, this stroke of ingenuity has been Van's."

Statement, not a question. I already knew it to be so.

Her silence spoke volumes.

"And is there any reason for him to keep giving me tasks, except wanting to be able to watch me screw up?" I pried further.

My head jerked back as Yone gathered the rest of my hair in a thick strand and pulled it smooth.

"It is not my place to second-guess my king," she said, not unkindly, but resolutely, catching my eye in the mirror. I could see very clearly what else she wanted to say, but was in no position to pronounce. _Nor is it, with all due respect, yours, M'lady. _

"This is my life he is playing with," I said crossly, holding her gaze. "I want to know what he expects of it."

Tiny crow-feet appeared in the corners of her eyes, although her lips didn't move. For a little moment she looked as if she were willing to continue the staring match, but after a while she lowered her gaze, buried her fingers in the loose strands at the back of my head, twisted them into an elegant knot and deftly secured it with a multitude of hairpins. After that she picked up a glittering tiara lying on the little makeup table and gently inserted it into my hair.

"Lo and behold, M'lady," she said meaningfully, cupped my face with calloused fingers and trained it towards the mirror in front of me.

I stared at the trussed-up, sleek, strange woman in the mirror.

"Lo and behold," she repeated, removed her hands and stepped back. The swishing of her skirt announced her leaving my room.

… and just what was that supposed to mean?

The woman in the mirror frowned. Immediately her air became imposing, almost menacing.

Dear Gods, I couldn't attend the reception looking like this!

With a conscious effort I relaxed the muscles of my face. Come on, smile! The Lord Chancellor of Mynar was to be charmed by a smile!

Corners of the mouth --- up. Naw, too goofy. No teeth, then.

Smile? No. Looked liked I had a toothache.

Maybe I should think of something nice?

Smile.

Egads, I looked as if I was thinking of Van, chained to the wall and completely naked. Now there was a thought ---

With difficulties I reigned my fantasy in. More saintly, please! Less strain on the corners…

There, that's more like it, isn't it? A tiny, secretive, barely-existant smile. Demure, but not innocent. Charming, but not flirty. Perfect for the evening!

One last glance at my reflection showed me once again the trussed-up, sleek, strange woman, the stranger who stood erect, wearing an obliging smile on her lips and nourishing a secret mission behind her gleaming façade.

And I wondered whether the impulsive, tomboyish and chaotic green-eyed gal would even believe what she had morphed into.

**

* * *

  
**

"**M**ylady Hitomi…?"

Urgh. No. Not again.

_Don't look at me don't look at me don't ---_

"Ah, Mylady Hitomi!"

Busted. Darn.

The fake smile was getting easier and easier with every attempt, but this time it was almost painful to move my facial muscles.

I turned around slowly and saw --- nothing. Ah, yes.

My gaze dropped and, sure enough, there he was. Short, squat, shiny and sanguine, with a neatly parted hairstyle that resembled nothing so much as a wig – which it probably was.

My Secret Mission.

He stood before me in all his ridiculous pompousness and waved a full glass under my nose.

"Your Excellence," I cried with the air of someone who'd just found a long-lost relative and was rewarded with a glass being thrust under my chin. He was too small to reach higher.

As unobstrusive as possible I retreated a step. There was something to be said about wide, floor-length skirts that hid one's feet, completely with grossly wrong dancing steps, whenever the situation required.

"Would you care for something to drink, Mylady? I brought you a glass of wine?" he smiled, neatly stepping in again. "It would help moisten your throat so we can continue the interesting conversation we had during supper."

Which had most notably consisted of him peering down his nose in an attempt to follow the trickle of glittering stones into the cleft between my pushed-up breasts with his eyes.

Curse Yone, and curse Van, too, while I was at it!

I took another subtle step back and lifted my hands.

"How very kind of you, Sir. Unfortunately, I do not drink alcoholic beverages."

Hell if I took something he offered. He might have spiked it.

"It is sad, really, that there is no possibility of getting a drop of the delicious berry punch from Derval here in Fanelia," I continued deviously, "I quite love it, and so do many others I know of. I'm sure it would be an immediate success; why won't these people be persuaded to export?"

Behind the stocky figure of the Lord Chancellor, I suddenly spotted a flash of deep scarlet.

If this was who I thought it was …

I took care to appear enraptured by the following droning speech on the intricacies of international trade while covertly risking a closer look over the top of his head.

Glossy, chestnut curls.

Tinkling laughter.

Stiliani!

And --- oh! She was here with a man!

I shifted a bit to be able to see better. They were standing a few steps away, talking with some gold-dripping socialites I didn't recognize. From my vantage point I could only see that he had brunette hair, but he soon half-turned around and enabled me to take a good look at his person.

_Low-key,_ supplied my mind immediately. A milk-faced young man whose arm she was clutching as if he might evaporate on her and who, apparently, couldn't believe his dumb luck, if the smouldering glances he shot her from beneath his long fringe were any indication.

I was so engrossed into watching him that I forgot to keep an eye on Stiliani. However, all of a sudden I felt a prickling in my neck and noticed that she had turned around and was watching me in turn. Our eyes locked for a moment.

My smile was as wide and affected as hers was, the cordial nod just as insincere.

The tables were turned.

And it felt horrible.

So that's how she must have felt back then. It seemed as if, in exchange for the improved position in Van's life, I had in turn inherited the instances of self-consciousness, pity and insecurity that went with it. Or had she, contrary to me, felt safe in her affections?

If that had been so, it must have been surprising to learn the truth, more painful.

The eye-contact between us only lasted a moment. Before I could have decided whether I should go and talk to her she'd whipped her head around and turned her back on me, rendering the question moot.

Her escort leaned down to her, whispered something into her ear and she shook her hair and unleashed the charms of her pearly-white teeth in another peal of laughter.

Happy? In love?

Nah.

Just disciplined.

Thanks to Van I no longer had the luxury of being ignorant of one of the most important pillars of diplomatic etiquette. To save face, to hide emotions, to always appear controlled was the most important thing, imbibed from infancy, trained, honed and perfected.

And Stiliani was the epitome of perfection and had always been. _That_ was one thing I had never doubted.

The young paramour, the pretty, poor boy, screamed _insignificance_ louder than Meruru screamed bloody murder when she was angry. A substitute that nobody was supposed to find out about. Not even him.

Now, with newly lost innocence it was impossible not to recognize the sham for what it was, not to see all the little signs of discomfort and pretence, the overly vehement swish of her head, slight jangle in her laughter, the barely noticeable shifting of weight...

... the tense silence around me ...

... the way my opposite had stopped talking, apparently waiting for an answer...

...

Darn.

An answer. I needed an aswer. And _fast_.

Weather? Conditions of the roads? No, politics. No, trade!

Definitely trade. Export business.

Say something. Anything. Come on!

Here goes ---

"So, if I understood correctly, there is still no export market concerning berry punch from Derval?"

Short, embarassing pause.

"Yeees," the Lord Chancellor replied tightly, visibly struggling to maintain his façade of affability, "and, as I already mentioned, this is a factor that hopefully the international agreement on free trade that the heads of state are about to negotiate soon is going to rectify..."

_So _not in the right ballpark.

I felt a flush rise into my cheeks and bit my lips. Hopefully my inattentiveness had not busted Fanelian's relations to Mynar!

Impulsively I threw my head back and laughed boisterously.

"This will be proof enough, I hope, to convince you of my ignorance concerning international trade, Sir!" I shouted and triumphantly watched his eyes flicker towards my bared throat, leaving tiny little footprints all over my cleavage.

"Ah, Mylady Hitomi, young ladies like yourself have better things to do than to worry about business," he was his oily self again and reached casually for my hand which I, just as casually, snatched out of his reach under the pretense of wanting to adjust my hair-do.

He didn't seem to notice, just kept proffering his hand and said,"Now, Mylady, I am sure you will not oppose to passing your time in a much pleasanter way than talking about economics. May I have the pleasure of the next dance?"

My cheek muscles started smarting in an attempt to not let the smile slip into a horrified grimace.

Refusing to dance with him would be considered to be awfully rude. Another blunder, however, was something I could not afford.

I was neatly trapped.

Inwardly cursing Fanelia's anachronistic formality that even put Victorian England to shame, while at the same time carefully rearranging my features, I was just about to lay my fingertips into his palm as a familiar, cultivated tenor behind me spoke up and caused me to jump in surprise.

-

"**I** am deeply sorry to interrupt, Mylord, but the lady has already promised me the first waltz of the evening. I believe this is when I must stake my claim on her hand."

Dimly I noticed that, sure enough, the band was already plaing an irresistible intro in three quarter time. The rest of my mind was occupied elsewhere.

Gloved fingers gently wrapped around my forearm. The nerves in my stomach twitched.

Damn him._ Damn him _for – again – saving me in the nick of time.

I was safe --- for now.

At which price would remain to be seen.

Hiding my uneasy thoughts behind an apologetic smile and contrite nod towards the hoodwinked Lord Chancellor, I slowly turned around.

"You look radiant tonight, Hitomi, if I may dare say so," Allen Shezar said, bowing over my hand while picking up a purposeful stride towards the dancing floor.

"Thank you," I said cautiosly, hyper-aware of the touch of his skin on mine. What about the 'conditioning'?

At that moment Allen let my fingers slide out of his until my arm dropped limply to my side as if nothing had happened.

A breath I didn't know I'd been holding sighed from between my lips. Casual conversation. Good.

"That's no small thanks to you that I am even here tonight," I began, looking at him earnestly. "I am grateful for you having saved Van's and my skin during the attack on Abaddon's fortress. I doubt we would have made it on our own."

"You do not need to thank me. It has been an honour and gratification to be able to contribute to your rescue," he replied evenly. The old, easy charm and confidence.

"Still, you risked your life. The place was teeming with enemies; you could have been killed."

"I owe my service, my sword hand and my life to Fanelia and her King," Allen said primly, "Especially after the outrageous behaviour I have previously shown towards His Majesty I owe ---"

He suddenly stopped speaking and coloured.

"What?" I cried, "This is nonsense, what kind of outrageous behaviour would that have been? And when…hey!"

With a decisive motion he took my hand, swung me around to face him, put his other arm around my waist and paced us into the dance. For a few moments I was struggling to get my feet into the appropriate motion. The long, wide skirts didn't help much.

However, once I had everything under control, I was burning to resume the conversation. He couldn't mean ---

"You mean the afternoon back when … ooomph!!!"

A sudden change of direction almost made us collide with another couple. Allen jerked me out of their path, nodded towards them and said clearly "Please excuse my clumsiness!" before sverving us towards the middle of the room.

As a rule, Allen was not clumsy. Allen was never clumsy.

I inhaled. "But you are not ---"

"This is really a beautiful party," he interrupted me, "I must not forget paying the king my compliments. It surpasses any other occasion I have ever been lucky enough to attend."

--- and exhaled without continuing my sentence.

Understood. So I was right. He was talking about the afternoon on which he'd kissed me, right in front of Van's eyes. And he clearly didn't want to talk to me about it. _Aren't you two secretive little bastards, you and Van? Van …_

Something clicked into place.

… So _that_ was the matter between Van and Allen! Either Allen was trying to make amends for making a move on me or Van had demanded some form of satisfaction. It had to be, it was the kind of thing Van would want to keep from me!

But --- I'd always thought _I_ had been the one to fault for the incident. After all, I had practically thrown myself at Allen. And --- Van knew that. He'd said he'd understood. He'd said ---

"_.. ever since Folken has been influencing him with Dornkirk's machine, Shezar changed a lot. Folken should never have played with human minds."_

Van's voice, clear and sober.

Another voice joined him, deep, gravelly and brittle. The voice of a man I'd thought of as the enemy, when in fact he'd been nothing more than an old, disillusioned man deceived…

"_Now, let me see the power of the fate that attracts."_

Puzzle pieces started connecting. Gudrun's conditioning --- I was helpless to stop it.

"_My heart won't allow me to keep this secret, because I love you now."_

"_You are probably the first to refuse my advances …"_

"_It will grant everybody's wishes and create a zone of absolute happiness…"_

"_Were it not for the fact that I owed him loyalty as my liege, I would…"_

"_I'm going to make him pay for causing you such pain. I take you back, Hitomi, and I will make you smile again like you did when you were mine…"_

_-  
_

And then, loudest of all, with words that stood out like a beacon now:

"… _classical conditioning …"_

_-  
_

Oh, God, I _knew_.

-

"Dornkirk's fate generator!" I blurted out.

The world came to a standstill. Allen blanched and cringed, several people around us stopped and stared, but right now I didn't care. I'd found their secret!

"That's why you haven't been yourself lately, isn't it?" I demanded, lowering my voice to a hiss. "The fate generator messed with your mind. That's what was going on between Van and you and that's why you were with the physician, too. Am I right?"

If possible, Allen lost even more colour.

"Y-you know about my visit? Have you been following me?" he demanded weakly.

"I didn't follow you on purpose," I defended myself. "I work at the hospital tract and had come to see my patients ..."

--- of course I kept quiet about the fact that I had still eavesdropped at the door. He didn't need to know _that_ ---

"… and you two were walking past me. Gods, Allen, I _knew_ something had to be wrong, but I couldn't figure out what! After all these years … but …it can be fixed, right? He's going to fix it. Isn't he?"

I clasped my fingers around his forearms and tried to peer into his eyes, but he stiffened and pulled back. _Did Van put him under pressure?_

"Aw, come on, I'm not going to tell anybody," I said and gestured towards the direction of the High Table, "It's just that many things make _sense _now. You are going to let him treat it, aren't you?"

Allen jerked backwards.

"I think this conversation has lasted long enough," he said shakily. He looked frighteningly upset; I immediately drew back my fingers as if burned.

What was going on here? He couldn't be ---

Heartbroken? Angry? Offended?

'_Embarassed?_' my mind supplied. _Aw, shit …_

He was already straightening himself out of a hasty bow, already turning on his heel to leave. Blonde hair swirled like a whiplash.

My pulse jumped into my throat. _Not again!_

"Wait! I'm sorry," I quickly said, reached for his arm and caught his sleeve. "Wait!"

"Let go, Hitomi," he demanded irritably, but I clung on determinedly. I had to fix this. Now.

"Look, I'm _sorry_. I didn't mean to humiliate you or anything. I tried to find out what was wrong with you, because I wanted to _help_ you. Because you are my _friend_."

_True enough_, I consoled myself. _Come on, puppy eyes, work for me …_

Seconds passed until he finally stopped struggling and lowered his head as if in defeat.

"You were the last person on this world who was supposed to find out," he said with a still-shaky voice. "I do not appreciate being spied on. Next time you want to know something, ask."

"Promise," I answered as earnestly as I could, "and, really, I swear I didn't mean to humiliate you. After all, the whole situation is my fault. If I had not come running after you like a lovesick schoolgirl, Dornkirk would not have tried to mess with both of us."

Allen winced.

I mentally slapped myself.

Diplomatic phrasing: Dreadful.

"My fault," I repeated. "I'll stop talking now. Really."

After what seemed like an eternity he finally nodded, but didn't reply and still didn't look at me directly, so I finally decided to leave the topic alone for good. I'd already stretched his forbearance as far as it would go; I didn't want to lose him like I lost Yukari. Hopefully I was wiser now!

I'd find a way to make amends to him, but at first I'd be satified if I could resume our conversation and some semblance of understanding.

He still was tense beneath my hand, so, convinced he wasn't going to run away, I let go of his arm.

We were still standing in the middle of the dancing floor, but somehow, dancing with each other, to be up close with each other's face and in each other's arms, seemed too intimate an action for what had just happened.

"Come on, let's got get something to drink," I suggested and gestured towards the refreshment area. _Anything_ would do to dispel the awkwardness of the situation.

"Contrary to what I told the Lord Chancellor just before you came to save me, I do feel the need for something stronger than just water, if just to stuff my face and keep me from spouting more nonsense than I already have."

He let out his breath in a long sigh and relaxed marginally.

"I have never heard of alcohol curing that kind of thing," he muttered and started walking off the dancing floor. "What is the time?"

"Twenty minutes to midnight," I replied after a fleeting glance at the nearest clepsydra. "The ceremony is going to start soon, isn't it?"

He nodded, steering towards the general direction of the refreshment tables, sverving around an increasing number of guests.

In fact, the room was packed. When had all these people materialized?

I wove through a gaggle of festively clad nobility, who were talking nineteen to the dozen at the top of their voices, and hurried to get back to his side.

"So," I said to keep up the conversation, "have you already seen the ceremony? Do you know what happens?"

"Well, it is the greeting of the winter solstice," he replied curtly and elbowed his way to the nearest table. "From this day on the days are going to grow longer and the nights shorter. People celebrate the reawakening of light."

He neatly stepped through a gap in the throng of people and disappeared. A moment later he came up with two long-stemmed glasses, filled with purple liquid, one of which he handed to me.

"Fanelia's best burgundy," he said and lifted his glass a fraction in a barely-noticeable toast.

"Thank you," I replied and pointedly lifted my glass into his direction, "To friendship!"

Hesitantly he nodded. Our glasses clinked together.

The first tentative sip revealed the wine to have a full, fruity aroma and not a small quantity of alcohol. I had to be careful.

Lowering the glass I directed my attention back to the man standing in front of me and who trailed his eyes on his glass, his hands, the surrounding people, anywhere but me.

"Reawakening of light?" I gently prodded him.

He nodded, lifted his face, but his gaze still skittered across me like a foot slipping on ice.

"This is the darkest day of the year, but at the same time it marks the definite return of the sun. It symbolizes reasonable hope, fulfilment of promises, the keeping of bonds, I think."

He pulled his face into a weird grimace, half-smile, half-cringe. "Honor and reliability. You can probably guess why this is the most important day around here."

"Most definitely," I assured him. "Is this what the ceremony is about? The closing of a … deal of sorts? With the gods?"

Now he really almost smiled.

"What I said about closing bonds was meant more figuratively, Hitomi. It is true that many people seem to view this as an auspicuous day for closing of treaties or perfoming of marriages, but the spiritual ceremony is nothing of this sort. It is more about ---"

"It is more about little Hitomi getting slapped than anything else!" a familiar, obnoxious voice completed his sentence.

The long brocade dress swirled around my knees as I quickly turned to face the speaker.

"What are you talking about, violent moggie?"

Meruru bared her teeth and shoved her face into mine so that I was able to spot little golden dots in her irises.

"Don't take that tone with me, Missy! You were expected to come to the High Table twenty minutes ago. I have better things to do than scurry after you so you better come without a fuss. Hurry up!"

"Wait! Nobody told me ---!"

Too late. Her hand shot towards me, clawed fingers wrapping around my wrist as she abruptly yanked me towards her.

It was impossible to keep my balance in these heavy and voluminous skirts. I teetered, the purple liquid in my glass sloshing over the rim with the movement. Instinctively I flung out my arm to keep it from soiling my dress and prepared to kiss the floor.

"Hitomi!"

Suddenly as an arm wrapped around my waist and I found myself pulled up and backwards against a hard chest. The wine glass was plucked out of my hand and the scent of Allen's cologne filled my nostrils.

"Ooof," he said as my shoulder hit his solar plexus. His voice was suddenly close to my ear. Very close. So was his warm breath against my cheek.

I twisted around in his grip, adrenalin still in my blood and my free hand flat and half-raised. He looked almost as shocked as I felt, almost as if he'd surprised himself.

It must have been an automatism. Then again …

Meruru's voice interrupted my musings. "Look, I'm sorry about that, Hitomi," she said with an edge of panic in her voice, "but we don't have the time for this. Will you _come_?"

Then again, he had always been chivalrous, no matter who he dealt with. It didn't have to signify anything special. But …

I was once again tugged around, pulled away from Allen and frog-marched away, but I struggled against the cat woman's iron grip to turn back towards him. He was still standing frozen, a wine glass in each hand, staring after us with a mixture of confusion and sheepishness on his face.

"Thank you," I shouted and, "Sorry about that."

…but if he cared enough to want to save me from an ungainly tumble to the floor or a couple of indignified stains on my dress, he couldn't be so very mad at me anymore, could he?

And at the last possible moment, just when Meruru dragged me through a cloud of greenish smoke that caused me to break out in coughs, just when I turned my head back to be able to see where I was headed, I thought I saw a raised hand and a weak smile hovering around finely chiseled lips.

It gave me hope for the future.

-

**W**ith a considerably lighter heart I was able to concentrate on following my own personal, clawed sentry. Her bright shock of hair was flashing in and out of view almost teasingly and at such a speed that I had difficulties keeping up with her. I hardly noticed where I went until I found my path suddenly flanked by the High Table.

Tugging my arm out of Meruru's grip I slowed down, looking around.

Ahead of us a large group of people was standing congregated at one end of the long board. Dark ochre robes and bald heads of local clergy dominated the scene, but a few colourful dots of festive worldly clothing scattered about the pile interrupted their intimidating monotony.

Meruru stopped in her tracks and turned her head this way and that, tail lashing nervously and nostrils flaring.

"Over here," she said impatiently and reached for my wrist once more. She pulled me through a throng of conversing monks, sverved around a thickset Council member who reeked of sweat and then gave me a final push that caused me to stumble towards a broad-shouldered figure swathed in midnight blue and gold who was standing with his back turned to us.

"Brother," she hissed and the figure turned around.

Van was, once again, as intimidating in his regal attire as he was fetching. However, the closer I approached him, the more I felt tension rolling off him like shockwaves of an earthquake. There was a scowl spread on his features like a bruise on a peach.

After a short glance at Meruru his gaze shifted towards me. My guts jolted as burgundy-coloured irises bore into mine heatedly. This was most definitely the best time of day to keep one's mouth shut.

For a moment I thought he'd send me away again, but then he briskly jerked his chin. _Come._

"Now go to Lord Van and don't screw up. Just mimick what he does," Meruru commanded under her breath and gave me another prod. "No, don't turn around, don't say anything, just _go_! Quickly!"

Right then the band finished their piece of music with a flourish and anticipatory silence descended over the large room. With an uncomfortable churning sensation spreading from the region of my stomach that _couldn't possibly be stagefright_, I slunk to the King's side and slipped behind him, once more the uncomfortable tingling of being watched at the back of my neck.

What was I even doing here?

A wispy-looking, very old man, marked by his attire as a high-ranking priest, separated from the gaggle of monks and hobbled towards some kind of altar that had been erected in front of the large window facing East. A pair of enormous golden – prongs, for lack of better word – was flanked by a low table. Four golden, long-stemmed, smoking golden censers enframed a space about as large as my room.

Four monks were following the High Priest, carrying trays covered with crimson drapery on outstretched arms.

The spectators' excited murmurs filled the athmospere as the priest reached the altar and bowed low, palms of his hands pressed together before his chest.

The monks closed in on him, placed their trays onto the low tabletop and started to unveil bundles, goblets and bowls. Two of them went to the incense burners, holding large - fans? -, starting to kindle what had to be glowing charcoals until I could see the faint flicker of flames licking the air, the other two appeared to unwrap wads of long, pointed, strong-looking green leaves.

By the time all four monks pulled back, preparations apparently completed, and stationed themselves in a loose circle around the altar, the chattering died down to give way to a subtle, rumbling murmur.

The priest turned to face the room and spread his arms wide. With a brittle, tinny voice he started to speak; long-winded, ceremonious – and completely cryptic.

I didn't understand a single word.

Was this even Fanelian he was speaking? The mumbling, warbling utterings were so different from the consonant-happy, rough-sounding language I'd so often heard from Van and his countrymen.

Some dialect, maybe? Or a ceremonial language?

It suddenly struck me that this was the first religious function I'd ever attended since I'd arrived on Gaia. Well, I'd attended a few, but had always been part of the group who had left after the meal. To be part of the privileged group who was able to watch the ceremony from up-close was a new and puzzling experience.

This spiritual framework was from now on going to be part of my life.

I'd better learn its rules.

A discreet glance right and left convinced me that, for now, nothing was expected from the audience. Everybody was staring, rapt, at the proceedings. Van, slightly ahead and left of me, stood rigid, face lying in the shadows of his long forelock.

My thinking went off-tangent again.

The Silent Treatment? Kingly Discretion? Nobody-Mess-With-Me? Or was it I'm-So-Highly-Strung-I-Will-Implode-If-You-Direct-A-Single-Word-At-Me?

If I could take a look at his face it'd be easy to determine his current state of mine, but to decrypt his posture alone would probably take me as long as it'd taken me to be able to read his face.

A queer, caterwauling noise induced me to turn my eyes back to the front.

The priest's frail body was vibrating as he chanted and swayed, both arms spread wide as if he meant to embrace the whole crowd. Behind him, one of the monks threw thick bundles of the green leaves onto the censers. Tangy-smelling smoke rose from them and was fanned across the room.

My nostrils twitched.

It scented familiar, but only barely. Neither like incense sticks nor like the musty aroma that reminded me of a Christian church I'd once visited. If that notion were not sentimental and ludicrous, I'd have thought it reminded me of my mother before she met that man, warm, protective and homey.

Another cloud wafted towards me; I took a deep breath. The pungent smell prickled in my nose.

So … nice.

It caused a fuzzy, light-headed feeling inside me, everything was softer, easier. Even the monotonous chanting didn't really disturb me anymore, had become melodic and comforting.

Everything was fine.

Now if only the floor would stop tilting under my feet, I wouldn't have to keep my balance so much. Then again, I could just lay down, the floor looked so nice and cozy and maybe this tilting feeling would vanish if I closed my eyes, just for a little bit …

Suddenly, unexpectedly, the comfortable drowsiness was disrupted by a stinging pain in my arm. My eyes shot open, muzzily I stared down at … huh?

A gloved hand was posed above my forearm, fingers still digging into my skin. A gloved hand that led to a velvet-covered arm and a cape-draped shoulder and ---

"Van?" I whispered, baffled.

"Sage", he replied quietly, "aromatic and, incidentally, slightly hallucinogen."

_Oh. _

"Are you saying that I'm basically … stoned?" I asked blankly, feeling heat creep across my ears and neck.

I could've sworn I spotted his nose crinkle ever so slightly.

"Burnt to cleanse body and mind. For a new beginning," he explained and turned his face away slightly, "Concentrate on the ground you are standing on, it will pass soon."

Not yet trusting myself to speak, I merely considered myself grateful about that fact that, this time, I was not to blame for anything stupid I'd done, and shifted ever-so-slightly so I could see his face better.

His next whispered words words were, therefore, easier to understand.

"Where were you? I expected you to be here a while ago!"

"I was right here. Nobody told me I was supposed to come!" I hissed, bothered by the lightly reproachful tinge in his voice. He didn't look convinced. "Believe me, if I'd known, I would've been on time. I have never let you down before, haven't even _questioned_ any of your orders, as weird as some of them were."

He turned his head a fraction towards me. Burgundy eyes met mine from the corners of his eyes, searching, but not piercing. He just looked at me.

Defiantly I held his gaze.

Nothing to hide, especially not from him.

I'd done everything for him. I would keep doing so.

And somehow, oddly, it seemed to be enough.

After what seemed like an eternity he nodded once and turned his face back to the front. A tiny frisson of relief ran up my back.

"And while we're at it," I added quietly, "you will have no difficulties procuring Mynar's positive vote. Its Lord Chancellor has the best opinion if the world of Fanelia and its _amenities._ It wasn't even an insurmoutable challenge to boot. You see, I'm not as hopeless as you think I am."

This time I was sure I saw his chest heave and chin muscles twitch. Even his reply sounded a little strangled.

"That is … very good to hear."

How odd. Van, laughing. Or cringing.

I thought of a good retort to his last words, eager to keep up the light, humorous mood. As I inhaled, however, he turned his face away with a definitive air. That's when I noticed the people around us had suddenly grown very still.

My eyes trailed to the front where the priest had stopped chanting and was now standing stiff, arms raised. All noises died down completely, one could hear the proverbial pin drop.

The old man was standing in the centre of the square formed by the four censers. One of the monks handed him a small bowl, filled with something that looked like cereal. He took it, gravely bowed into all four directions, thanked the elements that represented them.

Earth, Air, Fire and Water.

Ceremonially he offered them last year's crop and begged them for their continued protection during the year to come. Asked them to lend assistance and to offer food, health and good luck.

This was it.

I could have sworn s_omething _was happening. Despite myself I could feel the solemnity of the occasion infecting me.

'Reasonable hope', Allen had said. Fulfilment of promises. Forging of bonds. A new beginning.

Last year's pain and suffering must have been good for something.

I'd nearly killed myself, forfeited all hope for happiness in the future. In the last possible moment I'd seen the errors of my ways, learned my lessons and was hopefully on my way to betterment.

Sure, I was still far away from reaching my goal, if my conversation with Allen had been any indication. But I'd already gone a long way. Worked hard. Sacrificed my pride on a number of occasions. Paid reparations.

It was time for some kind of reward.

If this was what this function was about, I should maybe close my own bond.

Silently, but insistently, I formulated my own requests.

_Please --- give me a sign. Show me I'm on the right way. Prove me that the light is coming back. _

_Take my devotion. Give me your protection in turn._

_Bond with me. _

To the sound of a large gong the High Priest ambled towards the large prongs that framed the spot where the rising sun was going to appear first thing in the morning.

He wrapped his long, spidery fingers around the construction, one hand on each branch, and started chanting a spell that was supposed to bind the sun to this world, keep it from submerging ever again.

The resurrection of light.

With closed eyes I stood next to Van, complete silence reigning around us, and waited for its warmth to brush my face.

**

* * *

  
**

**I**n the end it took hours for the party to wind down.

Even more time passed before I was relieved of my task to oversee the accomodation of the guests, organize cleanup and was cleared to –finally!- head towards my room.

By the time I turned the key in my lock and pulled open the heavy door, I was barely able to stand upright. The lure of a freshly-aired bed became overpowering.

I let go of the door latch, kicked pinching high heels off my feet, stumbled towards my expansive bed and slumped bonelessly into clouds of soft, cool sheets that smelled faintly of washing detergent.

The chamber maids must have replaced them today. Ooo, heaven!

The hissing of blood in my ear slowly abated as silence and peace descended over the dark room.

My eyes fell shut, head pleasantly empty.

Sleep; I needed at least twelve hours of sleep.

In a last lucid moment I'd cornered Yone and given her explicit orders; nobody was, by promise of painful retribution, supposed to disturb me unless the castle collapsed, and maybe not even then. No early rising, no tasks, no diplomacy. Nobody was about to knock at my door tomorrow.

My mind shrouded itself into sluggish fog and my body became so heavy that it appeared to sink into the mattress.

Finally …

Not even this quiet chuckling was able to rouse me from ---

Hang on. Chuckle?

Chuckle. Someone was chuckling.

Funny. I'd thought I was alone. If only I could summon the energy to lift those leaden lids a bit and ...

"You are lucky I do not mean you any harm," an amused voice flowed through the silence like a velvet ribbon. "If I were a thief or an assassin, it would be child's play for me to overwhelm you. The door to the room unlocked, inhabitant, covered in jewels, sound asleep …"

And he sounded like Van. Huh.

"Don't care," I mumbled. "Let them steal, pillage, burn, just as long as they don't wake me I'll be fine."

Another chuckle.

"This will not do, Hitomi. You have not even removed your dress and jewelry."

I felt the mattress tilt slightly as a warm weight settled down on its edge. Van's dry, calloused fingers carefully tugged the tiara off before picking through my hair and deliberately pulling out the hairpins holding everything in place.

The soft touch triggered a delightful tingling sensation in my scalp and I moaned in bliss.

"You return me to life, do you know that?"

The stroking persisted.

"Was it so bad?"

"Too much information to be kept in mind at the same time."

"You will get used to it."

"Mmmmf. Too many people wanting to talk to me."

"Put them in order, then. Not everybody's concern is of immediate relevancy."

"Too much politics."

"Necessary evil, love. You did very well."

"I didn't get to see you!" I wanted to shout, but all that left my throat was a pathetic whine.

"All these preparations and I got to see you for measly fifteen minutes! After the ceremony you were suddenly gone and that ghastly lecher came for me and I barely got rid of him. And the preparations and I'm so tired, so _damn tired_. It was work, work, work, look at this, decide that and I didn't get to treat my patients, I haven't taken any more lessons, I haven't accomplished _anything_."

The even movement of his fingers against my hair stopped. For several moments there was no immediate response. My mood reached a temparature below zero.

"I must admit to having been wondering for some time now," he said cautiously, "why you keep insisting on working in the hospital section. There is no need to sustain youself, you know, and no need to prove yourself either. Not even to me. Especially not to me."

It turned out to be too exhausting to keep up even a weak semblance of anger. His earnest tone effectively deflated my little bubble of anger.

In addition, his was a valid question. It warranted an equally serious reply.

With some effort I dragged my head away from my pillow and rolled over to face him. He sat on the edge of my mattress, devoid of his usual regalia, just in a loose white cambric shirt and pants and a small pile of hairpins in the hollow of his palms. Pale yellow light came seeping in through the windowpanes, reflected off his hair and alighted one half of his face.

No crown, no coat, no weapons and no attitude.

Just Van.

He looked oddly misplaced there, perched gingerly on my bed. Awkward.

Unfamiliar.

Duh. How often had I seen him sitting on my bed? In my room?

_How about never before?_

My heart filled with aching affection. Why would I want to quarrel with him?

I struggled into a sitting position, wordlessly extended my arms, wrapped them around his neck and held tight.

"I know that, love," I murmured against his temple. "But I need to prove something to myself, even if it's exhausting. It's my way of coming to terms with everything that's happened. Can you understand that?"

The muscles in his shoulders relaxed and a long sigh brushed the side of my head.

"I am not surprised. You have a tendency to overcompensate when there really is no need to compensate at all."

His voice sounded a tiny bit ruefully, but I wasn't moved.

"My position as a healer is entirely mine. My work, my merit. I need to know that I can finish what I started and use my powers for something worthwhile. I'm not giving it up. Ever."

He pulled away and straightened up, fixing me with a inquisitorial glance that left a tingling path on my skin. My fingers moved on their own accord, tracing the contours of a dishevelled lock curving around the shell of his ear while I continued to speak quietly.

"Not that it does in any way concern my duties towards you," I said. "I'll fulfil every single of your secret agendas for you. I'll even seduce King Aston or convert Dryden to Asceticism if you ask me to. And I will manage. I am no longer a pushover."

He didn't reply, but his intent look didn't waver either. Oh, he knew what I _didn't_ tell him, no doubt about that. He always did. The question was whether, this time, he believed me capable of persevering.

As always, his face didn't give away anything. An impenetrable mask.

However, Van's carefully maintained façade had, under certain conditions, already cracked once. As far as I was concerned, it was supposed to crack more often and more thoroughly. And he should not, should never again, be allowed to re-seal these cracks.

I was going to smash his mask to pieces. With love.

My fingers wrapped around his upper arms, wandered up his shoulders, as carefully as a child feeding a spooked bird. Loosely, so that he was able to pull away if he wanted to, I wound my arms around his neck once more and brought my face close to his. In the dim lighting his eyes were fathomless dots of ink in his face.

The warm, steady stream of his breath ghosted across the tip of my nose as I tilted my head and kissed him.

He was firm and dry, slightly chapped velvet against my skin that tasted faintly of wine. I took my time nipping at his lips, lightly brushing the tip of my tongue against the corners of his mouth.

To my surprise he reciprocated the embrace, tilted his head and hesitantly started to squeeze back.

My body responded automatically, closing my lips over his, again and again, sending a jolt of electricity through my guts every time we parted.

Hairpins clattered to the floor. None of us even bothered to turn our heads.

It was delicious. So relaxed, so nice, so familiar. No awkward fumbling or bumping of noses against each other. We'd found the steps to our dance, its rhythm and measure.

Van held me firmly, palms resting on my hipbones with certainty, thumbs drawing tiny circles on the cloth of my dress in synch with the movement of his lips.

He was willing to forego discretion for a short moment of time and just enjoy the moment. For that knowledge alone I would've survived ten days' worth of receptions, parties, conferences and, maybe, probably, Yone's tasks.

He was here.

He wanted this.

He wanted me.

And I wanted him. Gods, how I wanted him!

Already his closeness was affecting my mind. I was now locked in his arms instead of the other way around, couldn't move away, even if I'd wanted to, while he attacked my lips with smooth aggression.

Each stroke of his lips against my mouth, my chin, my neck, triggered a tiny pulse in my lower stomach.

My breathing grew heavy. So did my body.

I was melting all over the place, melting over him. My every cell dissolved, merged with Van's, taking on his aura, smell, temperature, his rhythm of breathing, before returning into my own body. It was impossible to tell where he ended and I began or where I began and he ended.

Breathing was unnecessary; Van was my breath. Excitement was my energy, physical contact my food. Of which I needed more, so much more, because I was starving.

No, I was ravenous.

My fingers scrabbled across crumpled cloth, pulling and tugging until they gained smooth skin. Slid over hard muscles, a knobbly spine, shark fins of shoulder blades.

No fat, just muscles and skin and bone and sinew and mineallmineallmine.

Van sighed into my mouth.

If I'd died, I couldn't have cared less.

A jagged ridge. Scar tissue.

Rough palms shoving the shaft of a long-sleeved glove down my arm, trailing behind a breeze of cool night air that tickled newly bared skin. He always went for my wrists, always.

I should have been ashamed of the pale, scarred tissue that gave testimony of my greatest downfall. But when he touched me there, it felt so delicious, like he was touching my core.

And I, in turn, was touching his. A pair of twin scars, ugly and twisted and beautiful, another part of what I wanted, without exception, without foul compromise.

My whole body was straining against him. A churning, aching tug between my thighs while my hands still wandered on.

Long scars. It had to hurt like hell. It had to bleed, whenever gleaming feathers broke skin. These large, strong, shimmering wings, tainted with drops of blood. Sore muscles afterwards, resulting from the unfamiliar strain of carrying a heavy load. Beauty and pain.

My Van.

Lips in the crook of my arm where my blood was thrumming close to the surface.

Intimacy.

My fingertips inched over the knotted tissue with the lightest of touches. He shuddered so violently that his chin knocked against my jawbone.

I gasped ---

--- and unexpected coldness. Without warning my arms were empty.

Noooo!

Still dazed, I reached for him.

Van twitched back, his face hidden behind a tousled fringe; barbed wire made of metallic black hair. Oily black shadows started to drown his features, hiding an increasing portion of it in fathomless depths into which I couldn't reach.

My fingers jerked away from his scars as if burned, moved to the small of his back, but it was already too late.

Faster that I could say anything he had my free arm pinned against the headboard, the other captured firmly against his chest. His head hung so low that I could only see his trembling chin muscles; his visibly shaking fingers.

Could I have seen his eyes, they would have been blood-red and stormy.

Could I have visualized what was going on in his mind, I would've been able to watch sheer willpower wrestle surging emotions to subdue them, control them, restore the mask. There was no doubt as to who was going to turn out the victor.

The moment was irrevocably lost.

My shoulders slumped in defeat. It felt like sinking into mud.

Frustration didn't even come close.

My usual determination was buried under the rubble of bone-deep exhaustion.

I felt nothing except sheer disillusionment.

"All right, " I muttered, "I assume you'd like to --- uuuumph?"

It was like being caught under an avalanche. A calloused hand grabbed my chin, forced it up and then his mouth was upon mine, hungry, almost rough.

There was no time to think; no time to prepare for the onslaught of sensations his kiss triggered. His intensity burned me to cinder and ashes.

I heard an indistinctive moan and recognized the voice as mine; the world tilted away and the rational part of my brain stated that my body was now poured over the cushions like liquid jelly.

"Why?" I panted as we parted, gasping for air. His full lips twisted into a smile against mine and chased gooseflesh across my scalp.

"I was about to lose courage," he whispered."Forgive me if I overdid it. I am sure you understand."

A surge of hysterical laughter, half-triggered by sheer relief, was muffled by another kiss.

This time he poured himself into it without reservations. I could feel it in the way he cuddled against me, willingly opened his mouth at my wordless demand and let my fingers roam freely.

And as he flipped us over and sank into the mattress, giving up the the dominant position to me, the one tiny fraction of my mind that was not preoccupied with how best to remove his shirt without breaking the kiss was only capable of formulating the shortest, simplest of prayers imaginable:

Sign received. Thank you.

-

"**Y**ou can't stay, can you?" I asked, much later, as I lay with my head in the crook of his arm.

"No," The resonance of his voice vibrated against my cheek. It sounded regretful, but firm.

Ouch.

It was not as if I had not expected this, but still ...

"Do you have an appointment? Or is this for propriety's sake?"

"Hitomi..." he warned gently, but a flat dismissal after all we'd just shared was more than I was able to bear. I stuggled up, pulled the neckline of my corset back into line and turned around halfway to watch him from the corner of my eye.

"I'm not asking you to sleep with me! I just want you to stay a little. We barely see each other for more than a few consecutive seconds. We are both responsible adults, Van, what --- ow!"

His long fingers wrapped around my wrist, hard; his tone tight, clipped, almost angry.

"Have you ever spent a single thought about what would happen if I were to be found sleeping in your bed, Hitomi?"

_Oh, people would be positvely shocked to see you are a normal young man in a normal relationship,_ I thought sullenly, but only said loudly: "Your reputation would be ruined?"

Van's eyebrows skyrocketed.

"_My_ reputation? No, Hitomi. Not mine. Yours. No, don't say it!" he interrupted me before I was able to pronounce another word. "You have been a member of this court long enough to be familiar with the ways people are thinking. You can certainly imagine what would happen if half the staff came trampling into your room in the morning to find me in your bed, regardless of what really happened."

_We could be careful. We could take care to wake early. You could leave in time and I could go and check for possible watchers. In the early morning the castle is relatively deserted, isn't it? You could fly, surely the guards wouldn't look up just then. Would they?_

Van was already standing up and struggling into his diaphanous shirt. His voice sounded slightly muffled.

"And what if you got pregnant? People will not forgive or forget this kind of thing easily."

_I'm not that careless. I'm not a slut. There's contraceptives, isn't there, and I said I didn't expect you to --- _

"In any case," he concluded, aleady halfway to the door and whirling around with flashing eyes, "We must not be seen like that. I'm not going to stand for you to be held cheap and I am not letting you discard the standing and reputation you have worked hard to achieve out of pig-headedness."

_Pig-headedness? PIG-HEADEDNESS? And this is Lone Wolf I'm-not-speaking-to-you-instead-I'm-behaving-like-an-asshole-to-drive-you-away-so-you're-safe-from-potentially-deadly-assaults-on-my-person-Van-Fanel speaking?_

"And this," my mouth said, "is how it's going to be in the future?"

Huh?

Where had _that _...?

"I ... I am afraid I do not understand, Hitomi," Van said irritably.

_You never do. You don't want to. It's all so crystal clear in your head and there's no need to send me a memo because YOU ARE THE KING AND HEAVEN FORBID A KING SHOWS SOME EMOTION AND I'M JUST ANOTHER SUBORDINATE WHO DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW IN WHICH WAY YOU'LL FINALLY DEIGN TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH HER AND --_

"So we will keep sneaking around like a pair of teenagers, trying to see each other in secret and always worrying about getting caught?" my mouth continued while my mind insisted that _I did want to be a spiteful tart, thank you very much, and where did that stupid freaking rational voice come from?_

Red irises bore into my eyes.

"Yes, "Van replied heavily, "this is how it is going to be. _For now_."

_And who cared whether Van stalked out of the room and hencetoforth spent his nights practicing swordsmanship or archery, because his weapons at least didn't start petty arguments and didn't expect him to break his anachronistic, misanthropic---_

"I know this is asking for much in the face of your recent progress," Van continued firmly, holding my gaze with his. "But I must insist you begin to exert some sense of patience. The cannon is the skeleton key of the impatient, instead of opening doors it buries them under rubble. Are there any doors you remember having almost wrecked recently?"

_---set of morals that ---_ huh? What kind of doors was he ---

A brown-nosed, indiscreet assumption. A flurry of blonde hair, trailing behind a friend I almost lost.

But how had Van…?

A glint in the corner of his eyes told me all I needed to know.

Disbelief, shock, then an exasperated snort of laughter washed away the last remnants of indignation. Grudgingly I had to admit that, if I'd ever needed proof that the impulsive boy from five years ago had grown into an experienced politician, that was it.

For now, I conceded defeat and lowered my raised hackles.

"All right. All right. You win, I lose. So we'll be sneaking around like a pair of lovesick teenagers."

His shoulder sagged and teeth glinted in the dim lighting.

One step, two steps, then he was standing in front of me and laid a careful palm on my forearm. "Thank you for your understanding," he said quietly and leaned his forehead against mine.

Warmth started to seep into my stiff body. It became increasingly easy to reign in the roiling storm. The first smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.

"I'm warning you, though, Van. I'm not going to put up with mere sneaking for very long. I'll keep you on your toes."

Warm lips against my nose were smiling, his aura rolling against mine in slow, indolent waves.

"You always do, love."

Despite his teasing tone, the laughter in his voice was heart-stopping and sincere. "You are the epitome of tenacity, Mylady Hitomi of the bulldog spirit. Have been, still are and will be in the future. I'm counting on you."

And I understood.

Possessively my fingers travelled up his flanks and shipped waves and dents of defined muscles under soft cloth. Mine.

"I accept," I said against his jawbone. "Let's seal the deal, then."

.

..

…

Later, much later, a huge splotch of red appeared on the edge of my vision, climbing over the horizon, growing larger and larger and with each minute bringing more daylight into our lives.

* * *

_To Be Concluded

* * *

  
_

_Thank you very much for reading. Any and all constructive criticism is explicitely encouraged and will be gratefully received._

_There will be one more closing chapter, more of an epilogue, to tie up the last unsolved plot elements. In addition, this story is currently in the necessary process of being re-written to erase any and all schmootz I have tortured your kind reading eyes with in the first chapters. I want to get this tedious work done before I'm marching on to the epilogue, so any and all updates you may expect in the next months will concern earlier chapters._

_I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and promise to work hard on a better, more consistent and shiny version of this story. Thank you for your patience and, as always, thank you for your unwavering support. You guys are awesome._

_akari_


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